Holidays, boundaries and communication

[newlymarried]

My SD4's Christmas break started today. She doesn't go back to school until Jan 6th. My husband's BPDexw has not communicated with us at all regarding break. She is supposed to be with her BM for a week. This weekend is supposed to be an exchange weekend and we are supposed to have kiddo for Christmas Eve, Santa comes a day early to our house so she can have Christmas Day with her BM. The lack of communication has me on edge. I am so stressed that kiddo won't come back after the weekend  and I am also stressed that her Mom won't be taking her for Christmas. Last year my husband and his ex had lots of communication regarding the holidays. This year, there is complete radio silence.

I don't engage his ex, because there is nothing good that can come of it. My husband will only communicate with her via email. Should I encourage him to write an email to her, or not? BM has not taken most of the scheduled parenting time she is allotted. Should we say nothing and use this as a way to cut down her scheduled time when Mediation comes around in August?

I am just a walking stress ball right now. Help

[livednlearned]

This would be stressful for me too.

The stress would be twofold. One would be worrying about S12's feelings if his dad didn't come get him, after thinking he would. And the other would be worrying that S12 would not come back at the agreed upon time.

For the first worry, I might tell D4 that her that there was a change in plans. If she is sad about her mom not coming, (assuming that the time came and went and BM didn't show up), I would validate those feelings. Because it probably does feel very sad to her.  :'( 

For the second worry -- Managing that kind of anxiety is seriously tough. N/BPDx had a psychotic episode one night and told me he was not returning S12 to me the next day. He has toyed with me about half a dozen other times, implying that he might not follow the order and I might not see S12 until he decides to return him. I think this issue comes down to some serious emotional management for us, and then very serious legal action like a motion for contempt against her.

If you do have your H write an email, how about something like:

"Please let me know by 9pm time/day if you will be picking D4 up at time/day and returning her at time/day. If I do not hear from you by 9pm time/day, I will assume that D4 is spending the next two weeks with me."

Short, business-like, and a deadline to respond with an action if she misses the deadline.

[newlymarried]

I will encourage him to write a short email.

Thank you LnL.

Happy Holidays,    I hope you and S12 have a wonderful time together.

[livednlearned]

I will encourage him to write a short email.

Thank you LnL.

Happy Holidays,    I hope you and S12 have a wonderful time together.

You too, newlymarried   

I hope everything goes ok with the exchange and that you can enjoy the holidays. My favorite book for dealing with these kinds of situations was Bill Eddy's ":)on't Alienate the Kids" because it made me realize how far modeling goes with kids. We're role modeling how to manage conflict. Serious big time conflict. It knocked me right through a loop thinking of it that way. I started to model problem-solving to S12 and now he goes along with it, not quite second nature, but he knows the drill. I think Eddy refers to it as moderate behavior, managed emotions, and flexible thinking.

[Matt]

I think your husband is wise to use e-mail, for a whole lot of reasons.

The method I have found to work best - might not be the best for everybody but what works for me to communicate with my ex who has BPD - is to state what I will do, and then do it.

I give thought to the scheduling stuff, and talk to my kids about it - they're much older than yours so they have a big part of the decisions.  And then I write something like:

From:  Matt

To:  Ex

cc:  Kids

Re:  Schedule.

For the coming week, I will drop the kids off at your place Sunday at 6:00 p.m. and pick them up Monday at 6:00 p.m.  I will not feed them Sunday dinner but will feed them Monday evening.

What this does is, it makes everything very clear, and gives the other party an opportunity to say "That won't work for me."  But it doesn't leave her the opportunity to keep things unresolved - if she does nothing (passive-aggressive) then I do what I said I would do.

I do all the driving, so I don't have to have their mom in my neighborhood, and so she can't ruin plans by being late.

The worst thing that has happened is she wasn't home and the door was locked and the kids didn't have a key.  (Since then I told them to make copies of her key so this won't happen again.)  When that happened I told them to get back in the car, and we called their mom, but she didn't pick up, so we went home.

This approach requires that you take everything into account - like if you know that something won't work for the other party - and make the best schedule you know how.  But then don't be weak or defensive about it - if she wants to propose something different she can but if she doesn't then what you said is what goes.

[newlymarried]

Kiddo came home last night from the exchange. BPDbiomom said she would email my DH about Christmas break. We will see.

[livednlearned]

Kiddo came home last night from the exchange. BPDbiomom said she would email my DH about Christmas break. We will see.

Has she failed to show up before on major holidays?

[newlymarried]

Yes she has. She went so far as to be across the country for Mother's Day. She was supposed to have kiddo for every major holiday this year and she didn't take about 75% of that parenting time.

[livednlearned]

Yes she has. She went so far as to be across the country for Mother's Day. She was supposed to have kiddo for every major holiday this year and she didn't take about 75% of that parenting time.

Ouch. That's a low of no-shows. How does SD take it when her mom doesn't show up?

[newlymarried]

Kiddo is initially very upset, because we tell her that mom will be there, so we look like we lied to the her. We then do fun family things together. We normally don't tell kiddo about exchanges unless we've heard from her, because we don't know if she will be there.

[newlymarried]

We also tell kiddo that we can't control Mommy.

[newlymarried]

Finally got an email from BPDbiomom. Instead of 10 overnights with biomom, kiddo only has 3. I am so glad that the new year will be here soon. We have kiddo for every major holiday starting Jan 1.

Happy Happy Merry Merry            

[newlymarried]

So BM hasn't allowed communication between kiddo and my DH since she left Christmas morning. I am just so sick of her pulling this stuff when she has kiddo.

[Free One]

I think your husband is wise to use e-mail, for a whole lot of reasons.

The method I have found to work best - might not be the best for everybody but what works for me to communicate with my ex who has BPD - is to state what I will do, and then do it.

I give thought to the scheduling stuff, and talk to my kids about it - they're much older than yours so they have a big part of the decisions.  And then I write something like:

From:  Matt

To:  Ex

cc:  Kids

Re:  Schedule.

For the coming week, I will drop the kids off at your place Sunday at 6:00 p.m. and pick them up Monday at 6:00 p.m.  I will not feed them Sunday dinner but will feed them Monday evening.

What this does is, it makes everything very clear, and gives the other party an opportunity to say "That won't work for me."  But it doesn't leave her the opportunity to keep things unresolved - if she does nothing (passive-aggressive) then I do what I said I would do.

I have followed Matt's advice on drafting emails like this, stating what I will do in regards to holiday exchanges. It has worked very well for me, and ex responds well to this type of communication.

[newlymarried]

We did. However she is now withholding communication for us with kiddo. When the emails were exchanged she said that there would be daily Skype, as is court ordered; but we haven't had any communication with kiddo since we dropped her off at the exchange.

[livednlearned]

Should we say nothing and use this as a way to cut down her scheduled time when Mediation comes around in August?

I think this is the best strategy, newlymarried. Some people would file a motion for contempt right now, but honestly? Protect your finances and try to do as much in one burst as possible. By the time August rolls around, you'll have months of documentation to show that BM is spending less time with her D, and not following the order, including blocking D from talking to her dad.

For some members here, it makes sense to file motions for contempt every step of the way, but I'm not sure that would help you much more than regular documentation, not with this issue. Also, the element of surprise might be important in your case. You don't want BM to know that you are documenting because she might put two and two together that less time with D means less child support.

[newlymarried]

In August we are thinking of telling BM, that she owes 2 years of back child support plus; according to the court calculator around $600 a month or signing away her rights. In Colorado more than a year without support means that her rights can be termed. My husband has everything in writing, to prove that she has been employed since the day after the divorce and she hasn't provided support.

[livednlearned]

In August we are thinking of telling BM, that she owes 2 years of back child support plus; according to the court calculator around $600 a month or signing away her rights. In Colorado more than a year without support means that her rights can be termed. My husband has everything in writing, to prove that she has been employed since the day after the divorce and she hasn't provided support.

Ah. Got it.

How does your lawyer think this will play out? If it's the first time the court hears how little she has had D4, how likely is it that they will give her a second, third, and fourth chance? Might be projecting my own stuff onto yours here, but the court process has given me me a whole new standard for defining patience.

[Free One]

In Colorado more than a year without support means that her rights can be termed.

(I'm assuming you mean terminated?) If so, wow. That is useful. We I live, support and custody are two separate issues.

[newlymarried]

Yes in Colorado and in Wyoming, if you willfully do not provide support for a year or more; parental rights can be terminated.

[newlymarried]

We don't have a lawyer. We don't have the money for one. We can prove that BM has given up about  80% of her parenting time. We can prove that there has been no support given. We can prove that she is living with a felon, even though as a part of the court order kiddo is not to be around felons. We can prove through Skype logs that she hasn't allowed Skype. We have mountains of documentation. We don't have money for a lawyer though.

[Free One]

Yes in Colorado and in Wyoming, if you willfully do not provide support for a year or more; parental rights can be terminated.

That blows my mind! Too bad it isn't that way in more places. To me, not paying support is a passive aggressive way of saying you don't really want to parent anyway.

I know your situation is frustrating (and scary not to talk to kiddo when she's with BM), and I'm sure you want it to change immediately. It's hard to sit back and document without being able to take action. I am a firm believer that when the time is right, the pieces will come together and you find a way to move forward in the process.

[livednlearned]

We have mountains of documentation. We don't have money for a lawyer though.

When you go to mediation, will you have a L present? How does mediation work in Colorado? Apologies if you've already explained all this. Sometimes it's hard to keep everyone's cases straight. Is termination of parental rights something that you can do in mediation, or would that issue get bumped forward to a judge?

[newlymarried]

We are trying to save money for mediation in August to have a lawyer present. Getting her rights terminated means that there will be a hearing before a judge after mediation. Getting her to agree to terminate her rights, then having a judge explain to her what that means will be 2 separate occurrences.

I asked my husband to tell BM 2 weeks before mediation that she has 2 choices, either pay child support for the next 14 years or voluntarily give up your rights. I am not even sure she will show up for mediation.

[livednlearned]

We are trying to save money for mediation in August to have a lawyer present. Getting her rights terminated means that there will be a hearing before a judge after mediation. Getting her to agree to terminate her rights, then having a judge explain to her what that means will be 2 separate occurrences.

I asked my husband to tell BM 2 weeks before mediation that she has 2 choices, either pay child support for the next 14 years or voluntarily give up your rights. I am not even sure she will show up for mediation.

Could an unintended consequence be that she would choose option C -- to take D4 as much as she can (to avoid A) terminating her rights and/or B) avoid paying support)?

What is your H's preferred outcome? Do you both share the same goal?

[newlymarried]

Yes he agrees that BM isn't good for kiddo. When the divorce happened, everything was too crazy to do it then. She has had 2 years to get her life straightened out and she has moved 3 times in the last 8 months, never updating the court as to where she is. My DH wants me to adopt kiddo.

[newlymarried]

She has proven by not taking her parenting time, that she doesn't want parenting time. This Christmas break she should have had kiddo for 10 overnights, instead just 3. The summer is supposed to be the bulk of her time, she had kiddo for 2 nights. She is so disorganized that she can't swing getting child care for kiddo. She has burned so many people that she needs a new group of friends every 3 months.

[livednlearned]

When/if she has her parental rights terminated, does that also mean she cannot ask for visitation -- or does it mean she just has less of a say (you and your H being the deciders)?

[newlymarried]

It means she has no rights to visitation. It means that I get put on kiddo's birth certificate. When there is a step parent who wants to go through with an adoption,  it makes the process easier.

We are planning on starting with getting her rights terminated, and we are willing to go down to us having sole custody (deciders) and her getting court supervised visitation without overnights twice a month. She would be required to pay for the court appointed supervision.

[livednlearned]

It means she has no rights to visitation. It means that I get put on kiddo's birth certificate. When there is a step parent who wants to go through with an adoption,  it makes the process easier.

We are planning on starting with getting her rights terminated, and we are willing to go down to us having sole custody (deciders) and her getting court supervised visitation without overnights twice a month. She would be required to pay for the court appointed supervision.

It sounds like you have thought this through really well -- aim high, and then settle for somewhere in the middle if that's how things work out. And you have a lot of documentation, and both you and your H are working together to do what's best for D4, which is great. I'm sure you've already thought this through, but terminating parental rights is going to be a huge trigger for BM. More so than sole custody I would imagine. Will you be at mediation with your H? Just thinking about you and your safety in all this. I can picture BM viewing you as the target, even though that is not warranted. Is she prone to violence, or does her disorder present more waif-like?

Do you feel prepared for mediation?