Sexual Depersonalization

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear bpdfamily,

I'm going to relate a thought here and would welcome your comments.  I was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences and what did it feel like to you.   It's somewhat explicit, though, so read carefully.  

My expwBPDgf was hypersexual.   But we almost had NO foreplay.  Nor afterplay.  It was always very sexual, but not loving.   She would tell me that for her to get off, she had to go through her "list" of sexual fantasies in order to get to the one that would get her off.   And these were no ordinary fantasies.   They were so debasing that she couldn’t even tell me about them.  Even today, I don’t know all of them.  Just bits and pieces here and there.  The pornography she preferred was BDSM stuff.   I couldn’t watch it with her because I would lose my erection.  We even would watch different pornography at the same time while having intercourse!  So strange now that I think about it!

But now it makes sense!   We really weren’t having sex as a couple.  We were having sex in parallel.   And a part of me hated this because it didn’t make me feel close to her.  In fact, I was the one who was less interested in sex for the past two years.  I just didn’t know exactly why other than being so very unhappy.   From the BPD perspective, I think I can now understand that she couldn’t share the sexual experience in the same way I wanted to.   It makes me sad to think that I’ve been having sex by myself all these years.  And worse, I thought that we had terrific sexual experiences.

I apologize in advance if I've made an error in posting here as I tried to stay within the guidelines.

D

[Turkish]

 mine was nothing quite like that.  but a little similar.  She always want to go straight to intercourse.  telling me to lead,  but always taking over.   So I  was often walking on eggshells intimately,  too! She thought  and said at the end, " no emotional connection"  well she had that with a former lover,  but he left her out of the blue and it devastated her. I  guess it wasn't good for him! or maybe he couldn't stand her being angry all of the time.  and he had other options.  good time to read the " when sex is too important"  article here... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

mine was nothing quite like that.  but a little similar.  She always want to go straight to intercourse.  telling me to lead,  but always taking over.   So I  was often walking on eggshells intimately,  too! ... .  good time to read the " when sex is too important"  article here... .

Turkish, is that an article to be found here on bpdfamily?

I remember trying really hard the first few years to be intimate and connected before intercourse.  But it was not really welcomed at all.  Finally, I just gave up.  It didn't occur to me until today that there was a specific reason for this behavior under so intimate a circumstance.

D

[Turkish]

mine was nothing quite like that.  but a little similar.  She always want to go straight to intercourse.  telling me to lead,  but always taking over.   So I  was often walking on eggshells intimately,  too! ... .  good time to read the " when sex is too important"  article here... .

Turkish, is that an article to be found here on bpdfamily?

I remember trying really hard the first few years to be intimate and connected before intercourse.  But it was not really welcomed at all.  Finally, I just gave up.  It didn't occur to me until today that there was a specific reason for this behavior under so intimate a circumstance.

D

Hi D,

Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us

These things apply to Love Addicts as well, which is what mine leans towards more.

[Jbt857]

Takingwing,

You're not alone. Have you read this thread? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211310.0

Many of us felt we could have been anyone during sex with our BPD. Mine didn't want any romance,foreplay, intimacy. Just to get on with it. When I refused, he'd go get it elsewhere.  :'(

[MrFox]

Very similar experience here.  My exBPDgf was very hypersexual,  I really think it was the only time she felt "loved".  While sex was initially what I would call "making love"  about halfway through the relationship she began wanting a more BDSM type relationship.

I'm open minded and willing to play along.  In hindsight,  I realize it was one more way for dump responsibility off of her and on to me.  There was more to it than that, but I think that was a big part of it.  I still wanted to "make love" to her as well but even if we started that way she would take it in the direction of being rough.

Regardless if it was slow and gentle or rough, there were times when I could feel her disassociate from the whole thing.  I don't know how to explain it, but I'm guessing anyone who has experienced knows what I'm talking about.  It was like it didn't really matter if it was me or someone else, a person or an inanimate object.  Her only goal was to achieve her orgasm.  To this day when I think about her in that state, I'm disgusted with her and a bit disgusted by myself for putting up with it.

Now, after the end of the relationship, she claims all BDSM stuff was my idea and she only did it to please me.

[Pretty Woman]

We were very sexual for about the first month. After that she started yelling at me and being irrational over small things.

It got to the point we had sex maybe once every three months. Our relationship became sexless because she kept dumping me.

[Turkish]

Regardless if it was slow and gentle or rough, there were times when I could feel her disassociate from the whole thing.  I don't know how to explain it, but I'm guessing anyone who has experienced knows what I'm talking about.  It was like it didn't really matter if it was me or someone else, a person or an inanimate object.  Her only goal was to achieve her orgasm.  To this day when I think about her in that state, I'm disgusted with her and a bit disgusted by myself for putting up with it.

Mine raged at me once because I didn';t want to do it when we stopped by her office for something one weekend. In the conference room, where the very small cadre of her office workers sit. Possible mess. Gross. I know some people get off on that, but not me. I guess I am too empathetic and thought about someone doing it where I might be sitting in a meeting a day later pissed me off. So, I was the bad guy... .repressed, not "fun."

[Waifed]

I was never rejected when I wanted sex in 3 years. Sometimes she would get "finished" during sex but always let me finish. She loved to watch me giving oral to her and intercourse was always incredible with multiple O's. She was not selfish during sex which seems to go against the norm. She would also clean me which is pretty unselfish for a pwBPD

[necchi]

I wish, then i would've left early... .

No none of that, that was a mutual bond i or her never been put down,Me and her had multiple o's for the first time together and she was also a squi&ter ! Kinky !

she would always be with me in the moment.

she would say my name (God) regularly ! That one's a joke.

[iluminati]

Been there, done that, and wish I had gotten the T-shirt.

With me, it wasn't as big a deal as I had functioned within the swing scene, a situation not exactly known for high intimacy.  At first, the "porn star" sex wasn't a big deal.  After a while, you just want to have sex, not make it a big production.  I dealt a lot with what you spoke of, and it's old hat to the scene.  FWIW, it's all about detaching about what is an emotionally traumatic experience.  Considering something like 85% of people with BPD were child sex abuse victims, sex is likely a traumatic undertaking every time they do it.

Lemme ask you this much.  Say, for example, doing the dishes was a traumatic experience for you.  How keen would you be on doing the dishes, especially without making a big production about it?

Eeeexactly!

[damage control]

My ex is all about the sex.

His big 'thing' is to seduce the mind first ... .to the point where the actual sex cannot live up to what has been exchanged in writing/fantasy.

I sometimes think he would be happier just with cyber/cam sex ... .auto-erotica is easier for him as he can maintain an erection for one thing - not always possible for him with a live woman.

He to is into some kink ... not BDSM per se ... but he (for example) simply will not engage in missionary sex ... it's off the table.

He has disassociated more than once during sex ... the things he said were impersonal and out-of-character (or perhaps that is in character) ...

Having said all of that ... he has little trouble finding women and my replacement is obviously happy with the sex ... it's been 7 weeks now and she and he are off for a romantic xmas vacation ... .for the first month after our split he kept telling me he was impotent (he and I didn't have this problem but I think my own sexual issues fed his) ... .I don't know if it's true or not ... I do know that sex is a complicated and performance based act with him ... .

[Conundrum]

To the op, since you asked to go here, and it is a valid topic. An important topic. We should be clear. I've participated in many "fetishistic" acts with my pwBPD. Never with malice and cruelty, but from need. More her desire than mine, but still mutual. And enjoyable.

Op, if you truly desire an empirical answer there is one. Not a universal answer, but one that is true. In many cases there was childhood sexual abuse--neither in adolescence, nor infancy, but during childhood--between the ages of 5-9. These girls, commonly were abused by some form of caretaker. Be it a babysitter, grandfather type figure, step father etc., the abuse almost always resembles the same pattern. It is a sick approximation of intimacy. Wherein the adult coerces, cajoles, and abuses their position of authority, so that the child becomes more enthusiastic, and the adult manipulates the child into the appearance of volitional conduct. I've seen this over and over, in the story that my pwBPD has lived and in my profession in the criminal justice system.

That is why they rebel against intimacy. Because intimacy is synonymous with perversion and abuse. Their shame is torturous, and I have such compassion for these women, because as little girls they became aroused by the "faux" intimacy of their abusers. And the guilt has screwed their psyche's up as adults for the rest of their days. They are so inhibited towards "carebear" sex, that their only release is through the most direct stimulus imaginable, because anything soft or gentle--is tied into the coaxing and faux gentleness of their childhood abusers. This is the horrible legacy that these predators infused in these little girls. Loving these broken dolls is not shameful--they are twisted angels behind dark masks.          

[damage control]

I actually take umbrance with the sweeping experiential brush that you paint with Conundrum.

Being one of those that you refer to myself, I can tell you that the age/s you propose are incorrect and the inability to enjoy loving intimacy/sex is also incorrect. Knowing one 'broken doll' and coming across others in a very specific and therefore limited capacity (in the criminal justice system) doesn't in any way mean that you know all there is to know or understand every experience.

Twisted angels? Really? ... .I find that patronising and infantalising ... .and that anger I don't often feel is actually bubbling right now.

Please don't reduce my (or any other woman's) sexual abuse/experience or nature into something that you can somehow 'know'. It is infuriating at best.

[Conundrum]

Sorry that it upset you. The op was asking about a pwBPD. You're a non. I gave my opinion. If you feel that it's an uneducated opinion, that's your right. I was trying to express a compassionate opinion. I regret that it triggered you. 

[starshine]

The sex I had with my ex was amazing.  We had awesome vanilla sex, and a lot of it.  TONS of foreplay. He was the first guy I'd been with in a long time who could match my appetite, and he wasn't into anything weird.  The best sex of my life, because I felt so connected and safe.  I felt  and saw bands of gold energy coursing though us, joining us together.  I imagined the house we were rehabbing to be a metaphor for our life together, and as we made love I imagined our home, this project, as the manifestation of our love. I really believed that he loved me more, that I was the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, that we were perfect together.  

He always had a thing about talking really quietly, so you had to really listen, or ask him to repeat what he said.  It would drive me crazy!  Sometimes we would be lying in bed having a little pillow talk, and I would have to ask hi to repeat, because even being that close I couldn't hear him.  It was bizarre.

Towards the end of our 5 year relationship I would get annoyed that almost every time he touched me it felt hyper-sexual.  I also felt that he used sex as a way not to have to get things done- like he didn't have time to do his work, but he had more than enough time to do me.  In year 1-4 I found that alluring.  By year 5 I was tired of supporting big projects that were not being completed.  

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, the sex was intense and mindblowingly so. She never once asked if I wanted to make love but would instead ask if I wanted to have sex. With her eyes closed each and every time, I could have been anybody. There was never any intimacy... .It was always about how many orgasms she could have. I would often count ten before losing count. I often said she confused love with sex, as in having sex meant she was being loved. But the way she had sex showed it was more a sport or hobby than an act of love and intimacy between two people.

I will never have that type of intense sex again but guess what? I don't want it and I don't miss it.

[TakingWingAtLast]

All,

This is an unbelievably fascinating discussion.  It seems that from your posts that there IS a disconnect sexually.  I have had to reevaluate the entire relationship and sexuality was something I didn't quite connect until I posted.   

I also looked at the other thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211310.0

Very similar stories on that thread as well. 

Makes me so sad. 

Meanwhile, I got the first text in 4 days (a record thus far):  "I'm so happy!   I hope you're happy too."

Yes, ExpwBPDgf, I'm happy to be away from you while crying for the loss of my stepdaughter and friends and your crazy drama and suicide calls that kept me coming back to it... .

[Turkish]

Meanwhile, I got the first text in 4 days (a record thus far):  "I'm so happy! 

For now... .and even this might be a lie, but you were with her long enough to have a better gauge on that.

 I hope you're happy too."

No she doesn't, she just wanted to tell you the first thing and not feel guilt for being such a *... .*

Yes, ExpwBPDgf, I'm happy to be away from you while crying for the loss of my stepdaughter and friends and your crazy drama and suicide calls that kept me coming back to it... .

":)- I can't take it anymore, come rescue me!"

"Wait, I thought you said you were happy?"

[MovingOnForLife]

Many of us felt we could have been anyone during sex with our BPD. Mine didn't want any romance,foreplay, intimacy. Just to get on with it. When I refused, he'd go get it elsewhere.  :'(

Wow - this is exactly like my not soon enough to be xBPDh.  There was never any foreplay or cuddling after.  And he only wanted sex one way - and it wasn't missionary.  I once started crying in the middle of sex because I felt like he was raping me.  After that I started denying him and he threaten he would get it from someone else.  Turns out that he ended up with two girlfriends - one who is his "soulmate" and the other who was his swinging partner.

When he said he would get it from someone else I didn't realize that meant half of my state!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Meanwhile, I got the first text in 4 days (a record thus far):  "I'm so happy! 

For now... .and even this might be a lie, but you were with her long enough to have a better gauge on that.

 I hope you're happy too."

No she doesn't, she just wanted to tell you the first thing and not feel guilt for being such a *... .*

Yes, ExpwBPDgf, I'm happy to be away from you while crying for the loss of my stepdaughter and friends and your crazy drama and suicide calls that kept me coming back to it... .

":)- I can't take it anymore, come rescue me!" 

I gather you are predicting the future here?

[/b][/i]

"Wait, I thought you said you were happy?"

Turkish,

I wouldn't be surprised at all if she became depressed and asked me to call.   NOT HAPPENING!

She's getting her sexual needs met already with all the men she's dating.   Of that I'm quite certain.   She used to send me text messages on a weekly basis that she just had an orgasm.   It was NEVER a turn on to me.  I didn't get why she had to tell me then.  Now it seems so obvious why. 

Do any of you know about of an article on here that relates sexual disconnect with BPD?

D

[TakingWingAtLast]

Mine raged at me once because I didn';t want to do it when we stopped by her office for something one weekend. In the conference room, where the very small cadre of her office workers sit. Possible mess. Gross. I know some people get off on that, but not me. I guess I am too empathetic and thought about someone doing it where I might be sitting in a meeting a day later pissed me off. So, I was the bad guy... .repressed, not "fun."

I had an experience so much like that it's scary.  We were supposed to have sex in my office, but one of my students came to visit who just happened to be very beautiful.  We didn't have Alex, but I paid for that interaction at every other therapist meeting for nearly three years.    She was so jealous of this woman. 

[Pearl55]

I really don't understand when some of you guys mention "sex was mind blowing, amazing ... .and many would never have these experiences any more? 

I believe when is not intimate how could be so intense? 

[Waifed]

I really don't understand when some of you guys mention "sex was mind blowing, amazing ... .and many would never have these experiences any more?  

I believe when is not intimate how could be so intense?  

It's fantasy sex every time. It is not intimate. Limited boundaries and my pwBPD was multi orgasmic (easily climaxed) and very vocal. Basically, it makes you feel like you are a great "lover".  It was about the only place I felt like I could please her all of the time.

[Ironmanrises]

Before I literally stopped having sex with my exUBPDgf in round 2 devaluation, it was always me orally pleasuring her a lot, her barely orally pleasuring me, and than ___ing my brains out(she was very sexual). She didn't understand the concept of making out, slowly leading up to the everything else. It was get your d*ck hard and ___ me till you pass out. Literally. And obviously, I couldn't perform under such unhuman like conditions. Sorry. So of course, that was used against me later as "Ironmanfalls, you must be gay" barrage I got as part of her leaving me. Right. Sex is very intimate for me. It has to mean something. I tried so hard to convey that to her. Like everything else, my verbal/mental/etc communication to her was lost to the ever shifting cyclonic winds inside her BPD vortex behind her Janus-faced exterior entity.

[Waifed]

Before I literally stopped having sex with my exUBPDgf in round 2 devaluation, it was always me orally pleasuring her a lot, her barely orally pleasuring me, and than ___ing my brains out(she was very sexual). She didn't understand the concept of making out, slowly leading up to the everything else. It was get your d*ck hard and ___ me till you pass out. Literally. And obviously, I couldn't perform under such unhuman like conditions. Sorry. So of course, that was used against me later as "Ironmanfalls, you must be gay" barrage I got as part of her leaving me. Right. Sex is very intimate for me. It has to mean something. I tried so hard to convey that to her. Like everything else, my verbal/mental/etc communication to her was lost to the ever shifting cyclonic winds inside her BPD vortex behind her Janus-faced exterior entity.

I got the "you must be gay" the night before I broke it off with her. I refused to have sex with her.

[Ironmanrises]

Before I literally stopped having sex with my exUBPDgf in round 2 devaluation, it was always me orally pleasuring her a lot, her barely orally pleasuring me, and than ___ing my brains out(she was very sexual). She didn't understand the concept of making out, slowly leading up to the everything else. It was get your d*ck hard and ___ me till you pass out. Literally. And obviously, I couldn't perform under such unhuman like conditions. Sorry. So of course, that was used against me later as "Ironmanfalls, you must be gay" barrage I got as part of her leaving me. Right. Sex is very intimate for me. It has to mean something. I tried so hard to convey that to her. Like everything else, my verbal/mental/etc communication to her was lost to the ever shifting cyclonic winds inside her BPD vortex behind her Janus-faced exterior entity.

I got the "you must be gay" the night before I broke it off with her. I refused to have sex with her.

And the scary and sad thing is, she actually believes that. There is no winning against that kind of thinking. It was already confirmed inside of her head, irrespective of the real reality that was concurrently occurring around her. Checkmate. I'm done.

[Jbt857]

I really don't understand when some of you guys mention "sex was mind blowing, amazing ... .and many would never have these experiences any more? 

I believe when is not intimate how could be so intense? 

I wondered that too.

Spent the first few years of my marriage hoping he'd get that need for feeling that connection I'd been looking for. At first, I wrote it off to cultural differences and lack of relationship experience on his part, but no, just part of the BPD. Just an empty experience for me.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Many of us felt we could have been anyone during sex with our BPD. Mine didn't want any romance,foreplay, intimacy. Just to get on with it. When I refused, he'd go get it elsewhere.  :'(

Wow - this is exactly like my not soon enough to be xBPDh.  There was never any foreplay or cuddling after.  And he only wanted sex one way - and it wasn't missionary.  I once started crying in the middle of sex because I felt like he was raping me.  After that I started denying him and he threaten he would get it from someone else.  Turns out that he ended up with two girlfriends - one who is his "soulmate" and the other who was his swinging partner.

When he said he would get it from someone else I didn't realize that meant half of my state!

Mine was the same. In general I would describe it as fun but never intimate. He was always very intent in pleasing me but not making love. ( now I believe for his ego not my pleasure) He went straight for the act never any real foreplay. I would try to get him to kiss me and he would for for 2 seconds.

As for the non missionary. Mine claimed he had a bad back. I think it's the afraid of intimacy thing. If we were ever looking at each other he rarely opened his eyes. If he did it was like a kid who quickly opened them and closed them again quickly like he was afraid.

Also after he would usually cuddle but not until after he threw in a load of wash!

Omg. I can't stop belly laughing at this as I write. this was good for me I was actually missing the freak today for some reason.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Many of us felt we could have been anyone during sex with our BPD. Mine didn't want any romance,foreplay, intimacy. Just to get on with it. When I refused, he'd go get it elsewhere.  :'(

Wow - this is exactly like my not soon enough to be xBPDh.  There was never any foreplay or cuddling after.  And he only wanted sex one way - and it wasn't missionary.  I once started crying in the middle of sex because I felt like he was raping me.  After that I started denying him and he threaten he would get it from someone else.  Turns out that he ended up with two girlfriends - one who is his "soulmate" and the other who was his swinging partner.

When he said he would get it from someone else I didn't realize that meant half of my state!

Mine was the same. In general I would describe it as fun but never intimate. He was always very intent in pleasing me but not making love. ( now I believe for his ego not my pleasure) He went straight for the act never any real foreplay. I would try to get him to kiss me and he would for for 2 seconds.

As for the non missionary. Mine claimed he had a bad back. I think it's the afraid of intimacy thing. If we were ever looking at each other he rarely opened his eyes. If he did it was like a kid who quickly opened them and closed them again quickly like he was afraid.

Also after he would usually cuddle but not until after he threw in a load of wash!

Omg. I can't stop belly laughing at this as I write. this was good for me I was actually missing the freak today for some reason.

Oh and the really amazing thing is he thinks he is such a great lover!