I gave in and replied. And feel better for it.

[mango_flower]

7 months of NC, after having been broken up a year now.

I ignored 5 emails in May, which prompted the recent months of silence.

I ignored the message in October saying she missed me sometimes, and hoping I was ok.

I ignored the facebook friends request.

I ignored the message in November saying she'd been unwell and how was I doing?

But yesterday, she tried again. This time she had some genuinely sad news - her father died this week. (I know 100% this is true from a different source, 100% definite)

I felt sick and anxious.  Didn't want to break no contact.

But my compassion as a human being, overruled.

I replied just saying I was ever so sorry to hear it, and I hoped her family was ok.  That I'd pass on the best wishes she'd asked me to to my terminally ill step-father, and told her to take care, and I hope she had a nice christmas.

She replied just a one-liner to that, thanking me for passing on the good wishes and saying she hoped I had a nice Christmas too.

This wasn't a recycle attempt.  She is still on cloud 9 with her new fiancee.

It has, in some way, helped.

I feel I have a little closure.  We were civil.  There was nothing left to say after that conversation.  I don't feel anxious about getting another email out of the blue anymore.  I feel this was it. 

I now know that if anything bad were to happen in the future (she has a medical condition that can be life threatening and has been very unwell lately - again - 100% true), she will die knowing I don't hate her.

To have a clear conscience is really important to me. (I have anxiety and her illness is something that has played on my mind SO MUCH!)

I feel like crying because I'm emotional about it all, but I feel ok.  She knows I don't hate her.  I have nothing to worry about, or feel bad about anymore.

Thanks for listening

[santa]

I've been talking to my ex a lot today too. What the heck? 

[Turkish]

I  think you handled it with grace,  mango_ flower.  Good for you,  and I hope you are doing ok with your step father as well.

[LilMissSunshine]

I was just told to "go easy on myself" on a different thread M_F and you should do the same.  I agree with Turkish.  I think you handled it with grace.  There is nothing more important than closure.  When my former husband (I'm here because of an uexBPDbf not him) was dying last June, I visited him often.  Although we had already made peace with each other years ago, I was shocked when he told me he had never been able to forgive himself for "ruining our marriage", as he put it.  Many tears and hugs later, I was able to lift that burden from his heart.  I gave him peace, I gave him closure.  It's the last gift people who have loved each other should be able to give each other no matter the circumstance.  He passed a few days later  :'(.  Don't feel bad about something you should never have had to feel bad about in the first place.

Santa, on the other hand, you may be getting coal in your stocking this year... .  .

[santa]

I was just told to "go easy on myself" on a different thread M_F and you should do the same.  I agree with Turkish.  I think you handled it with grace.  There is nothing more important than closure.  When my former husband (I'm here because of an uexBPDbf not him) was dying last June, I visited him often.  Although we had already made peace with each other years ago, I was shocked when he told me he had never been able to forgive himself for "ruining our marriage", as he put it.  Many tears and hugs later, I was able to lift that burden from his heart.  I gave him peace, I gave him closure.  It's the last gift people who have loved each other should be able to give each other no matter the circumstance.  He passed a few days later  :'(.  Don't feel bad about something you should never have had to feel bad about in the first place.

Santa, on the other hand, you may be getting coal in your stocking this year... . .

Yeah. This isn't good. I'm going to see her tomorrow for the first time in months to exchange our child and she's being really, really nice to me. I'm getting all happy about it. Stupid, stupid stupid! Lol. I know this is going to come crashing down tomorrow and I'm going to probably feel worse than before, but here we go anyway... .

[Octoberfest]

7 months of NC, after having been broken up a year now.

I ignored 5 emails in May, which prompted the recent months of silence.

I ignored the message in October saying she missed me sometimes, and hoping I was ok.

I ignored the facebook friends request.

I ignored the message in November saying she'd been unwell and how was I doing?

But yesterday, she tried again. This time she had some genuinely sad news - her father died this week. (I know 100% this is true from a different source, 100% definite)

I felt sick and anxious.  Didn't want to break no contact.

But my compassion as a human being, overruled.

I replied just saying I was ever so sorry to hear it, and I hoped her family was ok.  That I'd pass on the best wishes she'd asked me to to my terminally ill step-father, and told her to take care, and I hope she had a nice christmas.

She replied just a one-liner to that, thanking me for passing on the good wishes and saying she hoped I had a nice Christmas too.

This wasn't a recycle attempt.  She is still on cloud 9 with her new fiancee.

It has, in some way, helped.

I feel I have a little closure.  We were civil.  There was nothing left to say after that conversation.  I don't feel anxious about getting another email out of the blue anymore.  I feel this was it. 

I now know that if anything bad were to happen in the future (she has a medical condition that can be life threatening and has been very unwell lately - again - 100% true), she will die knowing I don't hate her.

To have a clear conscience is really important to me. (I have anxiety and her illness is something that has played on my mind SO MUCH!)

I feel like crying because I'm emotional about it all, but I feel ok.  She knows I don't hate her.  I have nothing to worry about, or feel bad about anymore.

Thanks for listening

I am a firm believer that crying has its place in healing.  I was kind of able to imagine myself in your shoes from your post and I can definitely see how it would be emotional.  I am glad to have heard from you again mango. And I am glad you are feeling good about the contact you had.

[Turkish]

I was just told to "go easy on myself" on a different thread M_F and you should do the same.  I agree with Turkish.  I think you handled it with grace.  There is nothing more important than closure.  When my former husband (I'm here because of an uexBPDbf not him) was dying last June, I visited him often.  Although we had already made peace with each other years ago, I was shocked when he told me he had never been able to forgive himself for "ruining our marriage", as he put it.  Many tears and hugs later, I was able to lift that burden from his heart.  I gave him peace, I gave him closure.  It's the last gift people who have loved each other should be able to give each other no matter the circumstance.  He passed a few days later  :'(.  :)on't feel bad about something you should never have had to feel bad about in the first place.

Santa, on the other hand, you may be getting coal in your stocking this year... . .

That is a beautiful story, LMS,  it brought tears to my eyes.  Thanks for sharing.  Mango was being kind,  but a thing wrong with that (my T  keeps reminding me).  Against kindness there is no condemnation.

[damage control]

Even good contact is bittersweet but, it's good that you got to be supportive and civilised toward somebody you once cared a great deal for ... .I hope you are doing OK Mango:)

[ShadowDancer]

I was just told to "go easy on myself" on a different thread M_F and you should do the same.  I agree with Turkish.  I think you handled it with grace.  There is nothing more important than closure.  When my former husband (I'm here because of an uexBPDbf not him) was dying last June, I visited him often.  Although we had already made peace with each other years ago, I was shocked when he told me he had never been able to forgive himself for "ruining our marriage", as he put it.  Many tears and hugs later, I was able to lift that burden from his heart.  I gave him peace, I gave him closure.  It's the last gift people who have loved each other should be able to give each other no matter the circumstance.  He passed a few days later  :'(.  :)on't feel bad about something you should never have had to feel bad about in the first place.

Santa, on the other hand, you may be getting coal in your stocking this year... . .

THAT was once of the sweetest posts I have read in a long long time. Holding up the integrity of loves past into the present. This is the highest form of human compassion. It was I am sure, when it is all said and done, this one small kindness was not any sacrifice at all but rather an opportunity and an absolute demonstration supreme honor and dignity. Damned honorable and dignified in my eyes anyway.

[redkong]

Beautiful posts, all around.  Glad you feel good about the contact mango.  Sometimes kindness and being true to ourselves helps us all heal.

[nevertheless]

Dear mango, you post was so heart felt, even with everything you been through you handled that with loving grace.

[Perfidy]

Mangoflower... .Your words are soothing to me. The reason why is that I believe it illustrates the change in how you view the ex. Now that intimacy isn't in the way she must seem more stable. That has got to be a relief for you. It made me wonder if I could ever reach that point and question if I would even want to, given how poorly i was treated. I don't know how extreme the dysfunction was for you. I know my own dysfunctional r/s was to the extreme. I have no desire to communicate with the ex and I've vowed to erase her from my life as long as I live. She has attempted contact with me a couple times in the last couple months. I have not communicated and so far I haven't changed my mind about this. I accept that it's over. I can certainly understand your emotion in hearing from her. I'm glad that your strong enough and centered enough to have those feelings without being a scrambled mess. It shows how much you have healed. I cannot test those waters for myself. I have been out almost nine months. I think the last time I saw her in person was in May. The last time I spoke to her I tried to do it gently. I wasn't very successful. I wasn't angry but I was an emotional wreck. I wanted it to be the last time that her ears would ever hear my voice again and I wanted the last word that she ever heard from me to be love. I made sure that the last word was love. I was literally letting go of her with love. Then there were a few texts after that. Even that was too much. That was when I went strict no contact. I have lost track of her. I like it that way. I still think about her too much even with months of zero contact, other female interests, talk therapy, a few long nights at the bar, traveling,throwing myself into my work,trying to make new memories... .On and on.

So I'm actually kind of jealous of your growth and healing. Good work Mangoflower.

[LilMissSunshine]

 Santa , honey... .just kidding bout the coal.  Just be careful though.  You've been through enough.  Don't think your being stupid just because your feeling happy.  You have the right to feel your emotions, remember?  Express away.  Your safe now; your with people who care. (Besides, the less you get in your stocking the more I get in mine, heehee.) Seriously, keep that happy feeling, take your child and have a great time.  If it comes crashing down, I'll be here - along with everyone else - to bring you up.  Your safe now.

Turkish , dear... .who the hell cares if these hit_ BPD's keep condemning us for doing the right thing?  I for one will never stop doing the right thing even if there is nothing for me to gain but criticism from a mentally ill hit_.  If a pwBPD doesn't like something I'm doing, it probably means I'm doing the RIGHT thing.  BTW, thanks.  You made me cry when you told me my post made you cry.  This whole thing SUCKS.

Redkong ... .agreed.  "kindness and being true to ourselves helps us all heal".  Perhaps because it reminds us of who we were before... .before the hell.

Perfidy ... .yes, MF words were very soothing.  And I agree and envy too the "change in how he views his ex".  I hope to someday be the same place, for I know I will never be happy until I can give my X his gift.  His gift of closure - even if he doesn't want it.  You see, it's all about ME now and I deserve to feel peace.

[Aussie0zborn]

Mango Flower, good for you. I'm glad it worked for you. Each situation is different and like Perfidy, I have no desire to communicate with the ex and I've vowed to erase her from my life as long as I live. She has attempted contact with me and I called the police. I will do it again if she breaks no contact again. I don't care what issues she has all I know is that they are not my issues so if she contacted me to say a close family member of hers died, I would ignore it.

Sometimes the betrayal is so horrid, that you would dare not show them your humanly compassion lest they abuse it again. I reserve my compassion for those who deserve it. You may say this is not making progress but it keeps me safe from a f@cking psycho and my healing has been moving  forward at a rapid rate of knots. I just choose to have nothing to do with her again as nothing good can possibly come of it.

[necchi]

Mango   

[necchi]

Little miss , you brought something there... imagine us on our death bed,I doubt our BPDex would be able to bring any kind of peace before we'd leave...

Mind you that we are leaving them!   

.                                Food for thought's

[LilMissSunshine]

I know marinro7.  I also know that I, like most, need closure.  Darn it.  I'm gonna get it from my uexBPDbf even though he's not a participant.  I'm actually starting to get it.  You see, he's in denial & projecting so to him it's all my fault anyway.  He would say, "if you want to know why we are not together anymore, look in a mirror".  Seriously now.  I have no interest or use for that.  It's up to me to figure out the hows/whys, put it in perspective, get healthy and move the hell on.  I don't need any imput from that hit_.  But I do NEED imput, and guidance from my fellow wounded souls.  Perhaps, while we are helping each other to understand and heal we are also giving each other the "gift" of closure without quite realizing it.  IDK.  Just a thought.

[Turkish]

Little miss , you brought something there... imagine us on our death bed,I doubt our BPDex would be able to bring any kind of peace before we'd leave...

Mind you that we are leaving them!   

.                                Food for thought's

I can imagine mine coming in to the hospital room, being nice, and then launching into how she was sorry we couldn't work it out, and how sorry that she felt that she couldn't make me happy and that things had to end up the way they did, and so on and so forth. Basically, back-handed apologies and all about her, with no responsibility on her part because as she says, she's "sick" as if that excuses everything.

Since I'll now mine the rest of my life, I hope I go quickly... .

[Pretty Woman]

  Mango

[mango_flower]

Thanks so much all 

I was slightly worried I'd get a telling off for breaking no contact... .but maybe one rule doesn't fit all circumstance.

If she emails again, she won't be getting a reply.

I kind of have a gut instinct that she'd be nice for the first few emails if we got back in touch, and then the old blame game would get started again and I'd get vitriolic, blaming emails. And I'm not engaging with that.

No, I am quite happy with how things are right now.

Let's hope we all find peace x

[Perfidy]

Thanks so much all 

I was slightly worried I'd get a telling off for breaking no contact... .but maybe one rule doesn't fit all circumstance.

If she emails again, she won't be getting a reply.

I kind of have a gut instinct that she'd be nice for the first few emails if we got back in touch, and then the old blame game would get started again and I'd get vitriolic, blaming emails. And I'm not engaging with that.

No, I am quite happy with how things are right now.

Let's hope we all find peace x

Right on Mangoflower. Peace to all of us.

It always starts out so sweet!

[Octoberfest]

Thanks so much all 

I was slightly worried I'd get a telling off for breaking no contact... .but maybe one rule doesn't fit all circumstance.



If she emails again, she won't be getting a reply.

I kind of have a gut instinct that she'd be nice for the first few emails if we got back in touch, and then the old blame game would get started again and I'd get vitriolic, blaming emails. And I'm not engaging with that.

No, I am quite happy with how things are right now.

Let's hope we all find peace x

NC is for YOU.  Not for your BPDex, not for any of us on this board, not for anyone else, just for you.  If you had/have contact with your BPDex and it brings you lasting peace/happiness, then all the power to you.

There isn't one surefire way to deal with the loss of a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD.  Sometimes NC is the answer.  Other times there are good reasons to break it, and it looks like in this instance you got some much needed closure.  I am happy for you Mango

[LilMissSunshine]

Hows Mango and Santa doing today?

                    

[babyducks]

I was slightly worried I'd get a telling off for breaking no contact... .but maybe one rule doesn't fit all circumstance.

Hi Mango Flower,

Like others have said I am happy for you that you replied and felt better. 

I too have been in contact with my EX, and while I don't know if I felt better for it, I certainly felt more honest. 

I have never really had the option of going no contact with my EX.   I have struggled with the Low Contact. 

For me, in my experience, No Contact was important in the beginning while I dealt with the hurt and anger about the end of our relationship.   I was the one who initiated the break up because I couldn't cope with the incredible emotional swings that went on between us.

But I also noticed that No Contact allowed me to demonize my EX by holding on to the last memories I had of her, it kept the focus off me and my behavior, and it kept me stuck in a surreal limbo land. For a while I was so focused on No Contact, like that was the Holy Grail, I could avoid looking at my own issues.  My thinking was 'I am doing what I am suppose to do, I am Maintaining No Contact'.   Not exactly true; what I was suppose to be doing was taking the lessons learned and applying them to my life.   And that's harder.   By limbo land I mean, I found that I was using No Contact to not feel my feelings, and avoid the pain of the end of the r/s. 

So when I got an email this week, which was appropriate, kind and thoughtful I replied in a similar fashion.  She wrote to tell me she heard that I had moved on, told me she was trying to do the same and hoped I was well. 

I wrote back telling her I hoped she found all that we hoped and dreamed of with, a home, happiness and someone to share it with because she deserved it.  It rather hurt to do that.   And I did break down and cry.

I choose to believe that is closure for us, and much closer to how mature and healthy people should sever an important relationship. 

Our r/s ended badly, and the truth is that there was bad behavior on both sides, mine and hers.   I own that. 

I don't regret having met her or having been in a relationship with her.  She left me with many gifts, including a much better understanding of myself, compassion towards others, a willingness to accept limits and the ability to open my heart when I should.   I learned a great deal and she changed my life significantly.   

I would have much preferred to not have broken my hand,  ended up in surgery or damaged my reputation in the community we share but I can't change history.  All I can do at this point is make sure I don't repeat it.

I too feel some relief that neither of us hates the other.   I also feel the weight of how much lays between us, that's a tough one to swallow, because my pattern is stuff those types of feelings.

I hope all is well with you and you (and I) continue to grow and heal.

Respectfully

'ducks

[heartandwhole]

Mango,

Happy for you.  I'm so glad that you got a feeling of sweet closure with your ex.  That will help your heart heal.

No contact is just for us to take a step back to see clearly, get stronger, begin our healing.  There are no rules, just healthy actions that support our recovery. 

[seeking balance]

Hi MF,

It is perfectly healthy to cry as an outlet, good for you to allow yourself to do it.

NC is a tool to detach, so when we do act - we do so out of our core values, not out of desperation, fear, obligation or guilt.

Her parent died - you were kind in sending condolences - there is nothing at all wrong with this... .I am glad you gave yourself permission.

Peace,

SB

[DragoN]

But yesterday, she tried again. This time she had some genuinely sad news - her father died this week. (I know 100% this is true from a different source, 100% definite)

I felt sick and anxious.  Didn't want to break no contact.

But my compassion as a human being, overruled.

Just because we are hurting doesn't give us any extra special privileges to hurt our ex partners further and especially not when they are grieving. NC is a blade that can cut both ways. Sometimes, it's not worth it and the pain of contact is not really so painful. Probably is worse in many regards for the pwBPD. They are roiling balls of emotions, where as over time, we can get our hurt under control. Glad it worked out for you and that there is a sense of peace and closure there for you.

[mango_flower]

Thank you so so much all

I really appreciate everyone's responses.

I'm getting there... .some days are bad, some are better.

There are still a lot of things I am stuck on.

Today has been a day of reading posts here.

Reminding myself of why I am better off now.  It's so hard though!  But I know it's right, in my head, even if my heart hasn't caught up yet.

Thank you all 

[LivingLearning]

Wow,

That was such a beautiful post thank you!

Every single day I think of my ex., every day I go back and forth.

   And every day I examine what's up with my family, my own mind, so many things.

In a world of up and down, your emotion and honesty just brought me to some kind of center.

  She still contacts me occasionally, and I still don't say my full truth. Who knows what I'll do. Gosh I wish for a world where I just had the courage, strength, and fortitude to always speak my mind and deal with the consequences. Getting there.

[santa]

Hows Mango and Santa doing today?

                   

The visit with my kid was fantastic. I really enjoyed it. The pick-up and drop off exchanges went smoothly. My ex sent me some pretty hateful texts after I dropped my kid off. She was basically angry that I put some stuff she uses (detergent, diapers, etc.) in my kid's travel bag. I was trying to be nice. No good deed goes unpunished. Lol. Nothing she says fazes me at this point though. I feel good about the experience.