Recovery center for a few days - a good thing?

[qcarolr]

Have been mostly off the site past couple of weeks. I am really fatigued. I apologize if I repeat myself here.

Moved DD from motel when owner asked her to 'vacate' -- too many people in and out, then the police were there 3 times in one day, complaints about noise... .a week ago today. Found a hotel for a week, and today got a monthly rate that is manageable for now. This is across the street from her probation program location. Removes all the 'obstacles' she used to explain not showing up for lots of her appts. (therapy, PO, UA... .). She has not answered anytime I have called. Until today, asking me to pick up her dog since she was being sent to ARC.

She texted me Sunday evening asking about Christmas. I texted her Monday about getting together to take her shopping for gd a gift, as discussed on Sunday. Had a text yesterday that said 'OK'. That was it. Texted today about getting the monthly plan at hotel. Then heard from lawyer that her SSI was deinied again. Texted her that.

No responses. I just couldn't stand it - there was something out of sync here. So I called her PO - who was just ready to call me. She was concerned about DD only showing up one time this week - yesterday. She had missed several appointments. I said I had not heard from her. So texted DD that program had called and was concerned. She needed to go to her appts. today. She said "they are giving me hard time about MRSA". I texted to go anyway. Have courage and go.

She went. The "MRSA" is most likely sores from meth induced picking at her skin. She does get MRSA infections from this - but something triggers the skin picking. I do not KNOW this - only a UA will tell.

She just called from ARC - needs some clothes. She says she has just slept the past week. She can't remember to go in. Can't remember phone # for UA line. She is being admitted until Monday.

So I took a really deep breath. pushed aside all the lecture talk in my head. Told her she has to use her phone to wake her up every morning to call UA line. The phone number is in her phone. She has to go to probation program everyday - get up and go. Everyone there is doing all they can to support her success. It is up to her to show up -- to find it within herself to show up. She needs a job -- this is the first requirement --- to show up.

Sounds way more harsh here than how I said it to her. Guess I can let my anger leak out on you all.

She did not argue with me. I will take her a change of clothes and pj's in the morning.

Somehow I managed all this while at gd's winter class party, my boss calling to get my help fixing my work email, and DD calling to get the dog. And I am still feeling sane. All except for the extreme cramp between my shoulder blades.

Dh left work and got the dog home, then went back to work. So grateful for this on his part - he is so much more a part of everything than in the past. All part of our protection plan for gd.

All for now. Thanks for listening.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Verbena]

qcr,

I've been wondering how your daughter was doing.  I'm sorry to hear about the missed appointments and also about her not returning your texts.  I'm sure that added to all the stress you already have.

I'm not familiar with some of the acronyms and also had some other questions.

What is ARC and who sent her there?  UA?  Also, is your DD still doing meth or are the infections from the meth-induced picking just something that continues after the drug use?  I assume she's being drug tested.

I hope you have a rgood weekend and enjoy your granddaughter. You deserve some rest.   Merry Christmas!

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I am sorry about SSI denial. So, how long will it be for the next try?  I was hopeful that she may get it this time.

So, it is ARC, then back to program as usual?

Sounds like you had so many things going on, and you managed to keep it together!    I am impressed! I have had low tolerance these last few days.  I let my dd abuse my time by staying too long while out running errands. We went to pick up layaway, and then she turned it into much more.  Then my patience is shot!  I should know to just drop her off, and go about my errands.

You and dd in my prayers.

peace  

[Rapt Reader]

qcarolr, I do think the ARC (Addiction Recovery Center, right?) is a good thing for your daughter right now. If she needs more help, would they keep her longer than planned? Or, is there some sort of Outpatient follow-up attached to this? I think it's GREAT that she will living in a place very nearby to all of her commitments; kudos to you and your husband for finding the location that is so good for her!

My own son, who is low-functioning like your daughter, really would miss appointments and commitments due to oversleeping, not being able to maneuver transportation, lack of money, forgetting, etc. This is during the years he was going to college and not living at home, and we blamed him for being careless or lazy. It drove us nuts! After his first diagnoses (at age 21) of ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety & a dangerously Hyperactive Thyroid (Graves Disease), we realized that he had little control over his deficiencies. Had his living locations been nearby to the colleges he attended (flunked out of 3 of them by age 21!), I do believe it would've helped at least a bit (and even moreso had he been dxed and treated at that time).

Hang in there, qcarolr... .little by little she is getting the help she needs, learning how to motivate herself to get the help she needs, and things are still going in the right direction. Even if it is in baby steps 

[qcarolr]

ARC is "Addiction Recovery Center". It is very new building, next door to county jail. Think DD thought it would be like jail. Not. She has access to phone whenever she wants.

She is really depressed. Most likely about bf being very very mean to her when he left that last day. Guess he or others had brought drugs to her motel room. She had some part in this, though blames others for the troubles. Hope they can get this at ARC. Most likely will be released back to PACE probation program. She is admitted there by her PO (probation officer-woman that seems to me has compassion and knows her job) for not doing her UA's (urine analysis - drug monitoring). DD has to take a bus to different location for these - well most likely it is two buses.

I believe dd is also lonely, though I don't know this either. Whether she has really been alone in her room. She was excited there is laundry in hotel. Told me tonight all is piled by the door, but she has not done any yet. Hope I can find some stuff in her room to take to her.

I had a small meltdown tonight. Have been working in my T to feel my anger and let myself cry. To ask, in more quiet way, for dh to give me comfort. And amazingly he did this for me. And then I could relax a bit and spend some good time with gd before bed. She is creative, digging in my drawers of old material from 40 years of sewing projects. We sewed a little skirt for her stuffed frog.

Some of my sadness tonight is I miss dd being in our home. And gd really misses the doggie. Though this was source of conflict with her mom since it is her mom's dog. So she gets to sleep and play with her for a few days.

See, I shift so fast to someone else's needs and feelings. The two T's that I am working with have to keep redirecting me back to me. There are many deep feelings of anger, loss, unintentional neglect in my life from a very early age - one year old really. I am trying tonight to focus on the good moments - when I felt attached to my parents, esp. mom. Felt loved and special. Those times are there too.

I am intelligent, competent, high functioning, responsibilite. Did not reach out for comfort so many times when I really needed it, and it was invisible to my mom. And when I did reach out, she often did not know how to give me comfort and understanding. She was overwhelmed by 6 kids in 12 years, loss of her dad to suicide when I was 6 months old without much support around this... .I can understand this as an adult. I had some kind of understanding as a young child and developed coping by being extra good, extra responsible, extra strong denial of my needs.

Working to find acceptance that all these needs were valid. How to find a better coping method than denying emotions. Feels so good to be validated in this. The T working with me and gd is training for certification in Attachment Based Family Therapy (PACE based - Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy). Not the same acronym as dd's program. It is such a gentle, emotionally engaged method. Feel hopeful to become more whole and balanced.

So, DD is really a gift in challenging me to do this hard work with myself. I pray she can find the courage to do the hard work on herself - and I can be an encouraging support in this process.

qcr

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I think that her being at ARC is a good thing.  I am guessing that she missed her UA because she may have feared a dirty UA?  I know that is what is usually the case with my dd.  Too bad that she can't live in a more controlled environment where there are rules regarding the visitors. 


Anywho, you have been handling this all great from reading your posts.  And, as far as the little meltdown, I am not surprised.  You were overdue for one.  And, think that most of us would have had some type of metldown given all your cirmcumstances. 

As I mentioned before I have had low tolerance for my dd this past week.  I think it is because I was feeling resentful that she was using all of my time to take care of her Christmas errands, and it left little time for me to accomplish mine.  As I look back this was all me. I have the skills to set the boundaries.  I should have set time limit, and tell her if we run past it then I will leave you and send for a ride when you are ready. 

I believe that you have been doing a great job in coping with all! I like your last two statements in your last post.  I feel the same way regrading my dd, and the need to work on myself as well.  I recognize that I need to get back to practicing my coping skills.  I need to get back into some wise mind thinking. 

I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.  Again, I believe this is good for your dd being at ARC. 

peace  

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

Many times I see that my husband has confusion over how to "stay on track" with my BPDSD22 when he speaks to her. He often goes off on tangents, he tiptoes around issues and deflects to joking when he has something important to relay to her. He has no trouble dealing with other folks. He has no trouble telling me what he wants from me!

I think much of this "behavior" is born of his fears. He is, often, motivated by his guilt over what he "didn't do before" or more specifically, what he DID do before, which was to enable my SD's mental illness and frankly, to not stand up for himself because he was trying so hard to show her his love by being loveable.

Your talk with your daughter... .

Told her she has to use her phone to wake her up every morning to call UA line. The phone number is in her phone. She has to go to probation program everyday - get up and go. Everyone there is doing all they can to support her success. It is up to her to show up -- to find it within herself to show up. She needs a job -- this is the first requirement --- to show up.

Sounds way more harsh here than how I said it to her. Guess I can let my anger leak out on you all.

I've read it several times and I just don't see where you are being harsh. It doesn't sound angry. It is only because I know from reading your story here that your daughter is either out of options or almost out of options and you are worried what next but honestly... .none of those worries are evident in your talk with her. What you did for her is to reiterate, in a non B S sort of way, THE TRUTH.

I've noticed with my husband, he typically qualifies a discussion with his DD as being more harsh than it was because BEFORE he learned better ways to deal with her he was feeding her baby food instead of the truth. OR they screamed at each other. Example- when he asked her to do anything that would be helpful around the house that was not on the chore list he would preface it by saying "when you have the time", or worse, "when you get around to it". See, she had blown up at him in the past for interrupting whatever she was doing. So he was pussyfooting around with what he wanted from her. And she knew it from the wording. And when she heard the words he said she took advantage of it, tested it, made decisions about what to do based on his indirect way of asking.

Your daughter has shown us here, through your stories, that she is not made of glass. But she has her issues. The talking to you gave her was simply what she truly needed to hear. You have an obligation to speak with such directness to her. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think these truths need to be mentioned to her from time to  time.

ACT- anytime an addict can hear the message is a possibility for change to take place, for the message to sink in. Sounds to me like the authorities she is dealing with see that she has a need for the program and have put her into it. That is a score!

So, DD is really a gift in challenging me to do this hard work with myself.

Yes, and you are a gift to her. In every way there is.

Happy holidays.

thursday

[qcarolr]

I really appreciate all of you so much.  I am doing OK.

DD has new infection, most likely MRSA flare up. Always happens in this situation. So have been the intermediary on phone this afternoon between DD, ARC staff, infectious disease doc's office. Finally got doc to send rx for antibiotics to pharmacy without driving DD over there - it is getting near the end of the day! They are also authorizing ibuprophen for the pain. I will take both these meds there for her. They usually give percocet for the pain - not today while she is in ARC!  This is a 'non-medical' detox/rehab so have to get this done on the outside.

I may contact her PACE program when she is released next week for them to help her get to any follow up doctor appts. as gd will be home on winter break. Will not have gd in car with DD.

Reading the website for the ARC sounds like they have therapy there as well. Would really like to see DD admitted to thier 3-6 week inpatient program with CBT group. Have to stay out of all this, and trust them to know what they are doing.

Will try to focus on gd and dh. Maybe go to the museum tomorrow - history/science. That would be fun - have a new "Mythbusters" exhibit where you can blow stuff up! Lots of cool stuff there.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Spoke with DD yesterday - no call today. She asked me to pick her up Monday morning to bring her doggie and drive her back to her hotel room. She needs some groceries as well, which I can help her with. She has appointment - which she is remembering - at 11 am with her PO Monday.

She sounds very depressed, thinks being at ARC is just for punishment - ie. she is not needing to detox. Also feels really disconnected with staff at PACE after the T followed her around 'shoving the hand sanitizer in my face". She feels really humiliated by how they treat her with MRSA infection on her face. She needed to see her doctor when it first appeared instead of waiting for other areas to be infected. This always happens when she is under 'lock up' stress. Impacts her immune system -- or is a response to meth use/withdrawal. This is her private info - she states to me always she does not use. PO does not have release to discuss this with me.  My only contact is about housing and transportation issues.

We are still planning to see her with gd on Christmas Eve. Not having contact with GD is a BIG issue for DD. She is not in a place to be able to accept that gd is the one choosing not to be with her mom. We will have two vehicles, so gd will not be in same car with DD. We can take gd home whenever needed, and the other take DD back to her room.

Dh and I are struggling with wanting to bring DD home. I know, he knows, this is thinking with our feelings obliterating mindfulness -- wisemind is so needed right now. I have a lot of support from my T -who is calling tomorrow afternoon to check in with me. And from gd's T that is seeing me weekly though skipping this holiday week.

Gd's T is doing Attachment-Based Family therapy with us. It starts with work on parents' issues then includes the child in group sessions. This is also called Dyadic Developmental Psychotheapy -- working with the dyad of parent(s)/child.

This is so difficult for me - looking back then moving to the present with how my own attachment issues impact my parenting style/skills/results. I know it is worth it. My personal T is also supporting me in this process.

She wants to do some sessions with dh - I have mentioned to him. We could do this on his weekday off from work. Dh is able to comfort me, listen to me, validate me. This is so new between us. And I must be doing the same for him. This is building our attachment to each other using the skills that work with gd. If we can be regulated and coming from our compassion for her, she responds with so much love in return. If we are angry and afraid - she is fearful and acts out based on the model her mom gave her. Throwing things, shoving, hitting, slamming the dining room chairs to the floor. Then I yell at her to stop. Then I have to take some breaths, sit down near her, apologize for my BEHAVIORS, and share my feelings with her that led to my behaviors. Then ask her what she is feeling, can I guess if she is silent? Things usually flip. Transitions are the biggest trigger for these episodes.

Dh is doing much better with her. He has shared with me how he can put things aside and just be in the moment. Maybe he has always had this attitude and just kept it to himself. Maybe I was too loud and bossy to hear him. So we are both using new tools to be supportive with each other.

I have to have support to be in my life right now. I am so grateful that I have been able to reach out and ask in so many ways. Giving up the persona of being self-sufficient and 'strong'.

Whew. Will come back and let you know how tomorrow goes.

qcr

[Gidget]

Hi qcr,  Once you have MRSA and you are a carrier your body becomes prone to repeat infection. It could be from a decrease in your immune system which can be caused by all you daughters stress and what she is going thru.

Actually my grandson son acquired Community MRSA and several episodes of it and had to be on antibotics. It was then passed to the youngest grandchild. Encourage her not to pick it is also carried in the nose if you touch the inside of your nose then other parts of the body where there is an open sore it could be passed there.

Dealt with MRSA for years in the Medical Field.

Tough infection to get rid of and requires very strong antibotics

Good luck with your daughter

[qcarolr]

Gidget - DD knows what to do. She waits too long to treat an infection early. She knows the procedure to lower the bacteria on her body. She needs to follow through with the monthly cleansing process for the full 6 months. She has been struggling with this for several years. Most likely acquired infection while with infected bf(s). Or just being in the homeless community over past 4 years. She has done several bouts with IV antibiotics when she delayed in getting treated. She hates going to doctor office. Last January had very deep cyst - in the muscle not just the skin. 5 days of twice daily infusions at urgent care center. They finally referred her to infectious disease clinic, and she allowed me to take her. So now she or I can just call them and get the oral rx filled. Sometimes that require her to come in first.

One of my great frustrations with her is her resistance to self-care. Part of her depression -- when she is under most stress and needs to get care and is unable to. If she asks, I always help her get what she needs for this if able.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Esperança_Hope]

Dear Qcarolr, I´m sou glad to here form you! I see you keep fighting like a lioness. I read your post andthe anscwers. Let me put in my poor english: i like the ARC idea. Is near the probation etc. We shift allways. How can we don´t if we live these hard situations? it´s amazing to konw

Dh is doing much better with her. He has shared with me how he can put things aside and just be in the moment. Maybe he has always had this attitude and just kept it to himself. Maybe I was too loud and bossy to hear him. So we are both using new tools to be supportive with each other. I have to have support to be in my life right now. I am so grateful that I have been able to reach out and ask in so many ways. Giving up the persona of being self-sufficient and 'strong'.qcr

.

Your DH and ou are doing fine!

[qcarolr]

Esperança_Hope - yes a lioness. I like that picture. Hope to be the lioness resting in the shade with the pride of lions, playful and loving in this family. I am getting more of this with DD living on her own. We pay her rent and help with food. And I try to listen when she chooses to share. And hold my judgments to myself. Dh is here for me now - this is where I can talk about the judgments and worries.

On Christmas a new friend of Dd's came with us to walk after our meal. He and dh talked and talked. He is just back in our area looking for job and apartment before summer. He wants to have his 2 kids with him for the summer - girl age 8, boy age 11. He is interested in DD being a roommate if she can make her part of the rent - we could support this if DD can continue to work in her program.

A woman friend, that I have met a few times before, is also being a supportive person for DD. I gave these 3 a ride the other night - they had missed the last bus from shopping. DD was so distressed with riding the bus, and the bus driver not giving her good directions about the return schedule. Public transportation is truly a panic attack waiting to happen. She rarely rides alone for fear of getting lost and being abandoned. Getting distracted from my story.

When DD was in car she said her woman friend had agreed to be her sponsor. The friend said, I am not going to leave again if exbf comes back. This is what happened the week before and led to DD being in detox. DD needs to detox from the exbf   This is a new language for DD - from the required 5 meetings she attended while at detox. I am so hopeful she continues to make these TLC's. (tiny little changes)

I am learning to pause before responding to DD texts for help - often she solves it by the time I text her back. She called and left vm yesterday about how to activate prepaid debit gift card we gave her for Christmas. I texted back about calling # on back of cared, etc. Then she replied "nevermind".

She also shared on our drive that she really likes where she is living now - being only a short walk away from her program and all her other needs (groceries, fast-food, thrift store, etc.). It is a good place for her, except exbf is often there with other living in same hotel. ie. his exgf that just had their baby! she was living on same floor as DD, now has moved to a different part of building. So much drama!

Thank you all for sharing in my life here. Don't know what I would do without your open hearts.

qcr

[peace in steel town]

Keep us posted on how dd is doing. We are contemplating letting dd back in the house, on the stipulation she attend therapy, but the infections sound scary. Our dd has been in several homeless shelters, in two provinces, and I believe she has recurring rashes, one being under the armpits. Does anyone out there know about TCMS, trans cranial magnetic stimulation? We saw it on Dr Phil, a local hospital has it. Does it work, is your dd trying it? You mentioned that dd is in a recovery centre, are you paying for it, or is it state/insurance paid for? As I said, keep us posted.

[Esperança_Hope]

Esperança_Hope - yes a lioness. I like that picture. Hope to be the lioness resting in the shade with the pride of lions, playful and loving in this family. I am getting more of this with DD living on her own. We pay her rent and help with food. And I try to listen when she chooses to share. And hold my judgments to myself. Dh is here for me now - this is where I can talk about the judgments and worries.

This is so nice! Qcarolr! You know a lot about BPD and so many other thngs. I learn a lot from you. My heart is not large and warm as your. I´m sure God loves such a lot of space to pour on grace. Greatings to GD, Dh and DD. You all are doing so good!

[qcarolr]

peace in steel town -

DD is in court ordered probation program that is called PACE. It is a partnership between district court adult probation and county mental health center. They have their seperate offices/clinic. DD must comply with all that PACE staff ask to stay out of jail. Also includes drug/alcohol monitoring (breathlizer daily and UA twice weekly). She is considered indigent (no income or ability to work) so court/county are paying all the costs for her. I am paying her $50 monthly on court costs that include $2800 probation fees. Will be paying this for a long time past the 2 years of the probation program.

She has struggled to show up. Moved her to closer hotel that offers reasonable monthly room for her. Microwave, small fridge, laundry in building. It is across street from PACE. Short walk to food, thrift store for clothing, buses.

She was missing many UA's, and late for daily checkin to get meds from nurse, missing appointments with T and PO (probation officer). They have made some accommodations for her disorganization and anxiety issues. She has no excuses now living so close. So the PO sent her to a detox facility nearby for 4 days even though she did not seem stoned or high. It was a sanction for not doing the UA's. DD said PO told her she could not know if she was clean without UA's so assumed she was using something.

It exposed DD to 12-step program. She went to 5 meetings (AA or NA). She liked the one on Friday night as it was young adults like her. I hope she finds it inside to go again. I am sure they offer a meeting somewhere near where she is living if she looked. And I am thinking she has showed up this past week to her meetings. She is trying to stay away from toxic exbf - he has friends in same hotel. They harass each other whenever have contact.

Mostly I have to stay out of her life. I need to limit my contact to listening if she calls (she has friends to do this for her mostly), pay her rent and cell phone, and help with food when her food benefits run out each month. Gave her some gift cards for Christmas, sure they are all spent by now. She is a hoarder of discount/thrift store clothes, trinkets and cheap jewelry.

I know she is trying. She has goals for first time in her life - to live independently. And she has resources there mon-fri is she shows up. That is my greatest prayer - for her to find the courage to show up.

qcr

[Gidget]

qcarolr,

You are a great MOM. I hope your daughter continues going to the meetings and moving forward in the right direction. Keep the faith and I will keep up the prayers for you!

[peace in steel town]

Wow, like double wow. Our hearts go out to you, keeps us posted