I Just Gotta Know

[arn131arn]

I know ya'll don't know me or my uBPDxF; everything on this site is anonymous.  Who knows we may know one another. 

Anyway, I need to know something.  I have seen allot on this site about cheating.  And it scares the living hell out of me.  I think I need to go get an STD test soon. 

My fiancee quit having sex with me in Jan/ Feb 2013.  She would leave the house early in the am before I got up and never invite me to do anything with her or my son.

There are NO pictures of us together on her FB page.  She has hatred absolute no tolerance for cheating in a relationship bc her father did it to her mother her whole life. (Her dad still has sex with her mom and he's newly married the past 2 years)... .Sick stuff... .I know.

Do they all cheat and is what I described earlier realte to anyone that has caught their SOs cheating?  Do the behaviors match?  Do all BPDs cheat?

Thanks

[arn131arn]

I just don't see how she would because she was with my son all the time... .maybe I'm freaking out or maybe I can't see... .Need to know

[RecycledNoMore]

I know ya'll don't know me or my uBPDxF; everything on this site is anonymous.  Who knows we may know one another. 

Anyway, I need to know something.  I have seen allot on this site about cheating.  And it scares the living hell out of me.  I think I need to go get an STD test soon. 

My fiancee quit having sex with me in Jan/ Feb 2013.  She would leave the house early in the am before I got up and never invite me to do anything with her or my son.

There are NO pictures of us together on her FB page.  She has hatred absolute no tolerance for cheating in a relationship bc her father did it to her mother her whole life. (Her dad still has sex with her mom and he's newly married the past 2 years)... .Sick stuff... .I know.

Do they all cheat and is what I described earlier realte to anyone that has caught their SOs cheating?  Do the behaviors match?  Do all BPDs cheat?

Thanks

No pictures√

Cheating parents√

Absolute hatred of cheating√

Found the ex had signed up to every internet dating site in N.Z, his cousins covered up for his real life cheating,I could never proove it though,many other instances, but as usual he turned everything around on me, said I must be cheating because I brought up the subject... .

In my experience with a pwBPD, nothing can ever be taken at face value, there is ALWAYS a hidden agenda that only benefits themselves.

[necchi]

Arm... .No they don't all cheat.

Now i understand your situation and try not to fo us on that.

You already have to grieve the separation and to do this you must accept it.

Remind yourself the reason why, and you can't start making assumptions then it will overwhelmed you with unnecessary emotions.

[necchi]

BTW Arn, I sent you a PM

[free-n-clear]

arn131arn, you & your fiancé haven't had sex in almost a year? You can be reasonably sure that she's having sex with someone. If my experience is not unusual, it may well be multiple someones. Getting tested for STDs is essential, as she didn't develop BPD 12 months ago. You don't mention her age, but if she is cheating on you, she'll have cheated on previous boyfriends too. My uBPDxgf was not concerned at any stage of our relationship with using condoms. I don't mean to offend anyone reading this, or sound like I'm putting her down, but her favourite form of protection was swallowing. At the time, I loved it, but once I found out she was sleeping around, I saw it in a different light. Thankfully my tests came back clear. You owe it to yourself to get tested, mate.  

[Perfidy]

Arn I did. I went to my doctor and got tested for everything. Negative. It's just a good idea. That is a step in the right direction too. It is taking care of you. Right now is a critical time in your getting through this. I know, believe me I know how hard this is, but you gotta forget about her and cheating and just take care of you. Even if she did cheat so what? That's on her not you. Your healing from the relationship will be so much easier on you if you focus on yourself as much as you can. Focusing on her will only eat you up. You need you buddy. 

[Nicco]

I don't know if every pwBPD could be a cheater.

For MY experience i can tell you that my BPDexgf stopped to look for me to make love when she started her emotional affair with an another man.

Our beautiful sexual chemistry is gone at that time and in the remaining months of our relationship has not returned... .never.

[charred]

If you are worried about an STD get tested, the testing is fairly cheap, even free some places.

No not every one of them cheats... .however you don't know one way or the other.

What I will say is most people are consistent... and they treat people fairly consistently... .

Met a girl that was engaged to a guy and wanted to fool around with me... .if I got engaged to her do you think she would fool around on me? (YES)... Did she tell me I was different, and special? (YES)  

If they say bad things about all exBF/GF's... .they will say bad things about you as well. Most people are consistent, if they are really good people, they usually are really good, if they are disordered... .it is a constant thing. If they are never happy with the way things are... that will continue. We can feel that they are super special... and mean it... .they may tell us the same thing and mean it, or that may be what they tell everyone.

Its hard to take them off a pedestal... .and even harder to realize that we are not on a pedestal of being "different", "wonderful", or "perfect" either.

[Mutt]

Do they all cheat and is what I described earlier realte to anyone that has caught their SOs cheating?  :)o the behaviors match?  :)o all BPDs cheat?

My uBPD STBX and I stopped having sex shortly after my son was born July 2011.

She left Feb 2013. She called me a homosexual and projected her detachment from sex on me. I had tried several times but she would say that I did something and she was too upset, she had a migraine, she had some other pain. I gave up trying. She was constantly picking fights, would not bury the hatchet and wasn't interested in having make-up sex. Sad state of affairs. Sex or no sex. I was always committed.

I was separated from her January 2012 for 6 weeks until mid February. March she was being overly agressive and demanding divorce and get out of the house. She did say in an e-mail this March 2013 that she met my replacement a year previous, so March 2012.

The pretext to what I just said is that Nov 2011 she had a rage and it was the final straw for me. I didn't know about BPD then. I was going by instinct. She only seemed to budge or lay-off if I pushed REALLY hard. I told her that I wanted a divorce and I'm done. I was not entirely serious, but I had hoped that maybe she would understand how serious that I was and go to therapy to work on her "anger issues". This night was the catalyst, I believe that trigerred her to find a replacement due to her abandonment issues.

She was going out on dates with him while we lived together and slept over at his house and didn't come home on 2 occassions. I have phone records of her calling from his town to the city we reside in.

I'm sharing my experience but I can't say that they all cheat, but it is a common theme. I don't trust her at all anymore and he is one guy that I know of, I wouldn't be suprised if there had been more. She was having an emotional and physical affair with the replacement.

I will never know the truth, but it doesn't matter. Once is enough for me.

[Aw511]

She has hatred absolute no tolerance for cheating in a relationship bc her father did it to her mother her whole life.

Mine also had hatred and zero tolerance for cheating in a relationship. He made it well known from the beginning. He had been cheated on in the past and even stopped talking to one of his friends for months who was having an affair due to his disgust with his behavior. Another time he got very angry at another one of his friends for hitting on one of my friends who had a boyfriend.


... .Then he cheated on me.

[Jbt857]

Mine too. He had caught his ex fiancée cheating with his best friend.

Was adamant cheating was a deal breaker.

Cheated on me. More than once.

[arn131arn]

I think it's safe to say that she did. 

I know I shouldn't worry about it, but when you put two and two together, coupled with some things she said and what happened last week, there really isn't room for denial.

She triangulated with a 67 year old man before (she's now 37... .gross  ).  I looked at her phone one time when we were on a "split" and it mentioned something about wine at a club they went to before, but he was out of town at the time.

So, it's probably true.  Anyway, i know I will not focus on it long.  Will get tested after the holidays. 

I want/need to get stronger before she attempts to recycle again.  I just don't know how.

Anyway, ALL the comments about the abortion last week, probably painted me black for good once and for all... .maybe that's a good thing.  I couldn't be more happier and scared all at the same time, if it is true! 

[arn131arn]

At this point, I am angry, sad, frustrated, and bewildered.

I know nothing was real (except my beautiful son (8)). 

I hope to God she NEVER finds love or happiness with anyone else.

I know it's a terrible thing to say; but imagining her with her new found or old love next wednesday and the following tuesday is tearing me apart.

Thanks everyone.  I am glad I'm here

[Mutt]

I think it's safe to say that she did.  

I know I shouldn't worry about it, but when you put two and two together, coupled with some things she said and what happened last week, there really isn't room for denial.

Listen and follow your intuition, don't second guess.

I want/need to get stronger before she attempts to recycle again.  I just don't know how.

Heal and distance yourself with the least possible contact as I stated in your previous post. Aask around her about distancing when you have a child.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=215774.new;topicseen#new

Distance and time and the FOG will dissipate and you will heal.

Focus on you.

Focus on your son.

Don't focus on her.

It's easier said than done, if you make a mistake or stumble, pick yourself back up and retry.