Parental meeting in school together with exW upsets uBPDgf

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday there was an opportunity at school to meet the teacher of my daughter to discuss her tests.

Since we were divorced, my exW and I go together to such meetings. We are still on good speaking terms with each other.

So yesterday I went from my work to my uBPDgf to eat together and discuss a meeting she had at her work and to talk about something that happened with a friend of hers and that had upset her very much. So we talked about these things, and I comforted her. When I left for the meeting at school my uBPDgf was happy that she could vent her feelings to me (she texted me that while I was driving to school).

However, when I returned after the school meeting, she was clearly dysregulated... .She was quiet, didn't look happy, didn't touch or hug me... .While I was telling about the results of my daughter she was just switching channels on the TV. 

After a little while her problem arose, she didn't understand why I was going to that meeting with my exW. She doesn't know any couple who does that, she said. To her, it's more logical that the parent (who takes care of the kids at the moment of the school meeting) attends the meeting with the new partner. To me, it's just her fear of abandonment that is playing.

I didn't JADE, I tried to keep my happy feelings alive. The thing is that she kept the silent treatment.

I decided to go to bed, since a normal conversation wasn't possible at that moment.

Think I handled the situation good, without letting it escalate and let her rage on me.

But the thing is... .I just slept for 3 hours and was wide awake the rest of the night. I felt really bad, because I felt wrongly attacked, and I can't defend myself without enabling a rage... .

I know my own truth and I know I didn't do anything wrong, just being a good parent. But in such times I feel very alone and very hopeless.

How can I handle the sleeplessness better ? Is mindfulness a solution ? Do I have to bother other people to vent my feelings about this ?

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Yesterday there was an opportunity at school to meet the teacher of my daughter to discuss her tests.

Since we were divorced, my exW and I go together to such meetings. We are still on good speaking terms with each other.

So yesterday I went from my work to my uBPDgf to eat together and discuss a meeting she had at her work and to talk about something that happened with a friend of hers and that had upset her very much. So we talked about these things, and I comforted her. When I left for the meeting at school my uBPDgf was happy that she could vent her feelings to me (she texted me that while I was driving to school).

However, when I returned after the school meeting, she was clearly dysregulated... .She was quiet, didn't look happy, didn't touch or hug me... .While I was telling about the results of my daughter she was just switching channels on the TV. 

After a little while her problem arose, she didn't understand why I was going to that meeting with my exW. She doesn't know any couple who does that, she said. To her, it's more logical that the parent (who takes care of the kids at the moment of the school meeting) attends the meeting with the new partner. To me, it's just her fear of abandonment that is playing.

I didn't JADE, I tried to keep my happy feelings alive. The thing is that she kept the silent treatment.

I decided to go to bed, since a normal conversation wasn't possible at that moment.

Think I handled the situation good, without letting it escalate and let her rage on me.

But the thing is... .I just slept for 3 hours and was wide awake the rest of the night. I felt really bad, because I felt wrongly attacked, and I can't defend myself without enabling a rage... .

I know my own truth and I know I didn't do anything wrong, just being a good parent. But in such times I feel very alone and very hopeless.

How can I handle the sleeplessness better ? Is mindfulness a solution ? Do I have to bother other people to vent my feelings about this ?

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[an0ught]

Hi Hutsepotmetworst,

you handled the situation in an exemplary manner  . You could have prepared a ready set validation package for coming home but as she was dysregulated maybe the best you could do is not getting drawn into a fight. It is a sensible boundary you have protecting the continuity for your D but of course gf sees it differently. Her problem.

Where you failed and noticed you failed is on dealing with your own emotions. Dealing with a dysregulated person even it you "only" get silent treatment is no fun. It sucks. Wanting to stay internally happy is understandable but unrealistic. It is in some sense even self invalidating.

It is ok. to get a bit upset about having to deal with that nonsense. It is ok to feel a bit odd after seeing the Ex and interacting as a team with her. There were huge tensions you were exposed to during the late evening.

How can I handle the sleeplessness better ? Is mindfulness a solution ? Do I have to bother other people to vent my feelings about this ?

Being mindful of you human needs indeed sounds like a good idea. Knowing when your emotions are in turmoil and maybe resorting to a late walk etc...   Sharing emotions is part of taking good care of yourself and responsibly sharing them is part of building and maintaining human connections - it is NOT bothering. Of course Ex is not a good place for that and gf during that particular night also not a good place. But during better times "bothering" gf and others may be something to explore for yourself... .