Can't believe I was contacted last night

[nyfit1]

After 19 breakups in 2 years ,I finally had the strength to say no more to my uBPDgf in October. She called me a week after and said she made a mistake and she needed me in her life. We work together and she said she still wanted me to visit her office etc. she sounded drunk and out of it though she denies it. She was crying and telling me she was afraid if people and felt empty and then had the nerve to say she was only meeting weirdos on her online dating sites. I did not take the bait. I told her to be more selective with who she gives her number to online. Well the crying stopped and she was in a rage. Said I was full of shyt and that I ruined her life.

I stayed away from her at work. This must have shocked her. I was never able to go more than 5 days and here I was 11 weeks no contact. Whenever I saw her she would look the other way and gad an empty look. Sometimes she looked pissed.

Never thought she would contact me again because I "abandoned" her. Figured I was painted black for good. This actually empowered me thinking she hated me. Figured the hate would eat her up. My stomach dropped when I saw that call come in. I called her back and the first thing she said was she had to explain why she was ignoring me the past 3 months. She said she had to heal and get over me. She said she was a mess and didn't want to bring me down with her. She said she forgave me for not teaching out to her during that period.

Can u believe that crap. How she spun everything. I wasn't buying it and I called her on all if it. I never lost my cool but I was stern with her. She said its ok if I want to talk to her at work again. Amazing hiw she can twist things. I always had some doubt about her being BPD. I figured I am not a therapist. What do I know right? Now there is no doubt in my mind. She said that she is happy now and has addressed all the issues that I told her she has. So I guess she cured now.

Fact is, she just can't handle the fact that I won't be like the others schmucks that stayed in her life and were treated like human pain killers. She wants me as a backup just like the guy that was constantly sending her flowers and calling while we dated.

Thanks to this site I have been educated and her moves last night wre so obvious. To the untrained I it would look like she cared about me but it was all about her and her guilt. She timed her call right before she knew she wouldn't see me for a month. I'm off all January. I'm a teacher. Funny how she healed right before my vacation.

[bpdspell]

NYF1,

I personally feel that there's something about owning our self-respect that our ex's can be attracted to. How we empower ourselves will not stop them from being mentally ill but our power in not falling for the bait speaks volumes to their maladaptive coping mechanisms. The baiting, passive aggressive moves, the crying, third party contact…you name it….they have done it all to get supply….and they do it because it often works.

I dumped my ex out of pure rage and anger…and punish him for his abhorrent behavior…it was my initial reason for complete NC but of course my sadness, abandonment fear and loneliness kicked in and I longed for a recycle simply to see if I was important enough for my ex to come back on his hands and knees graveling…it sounds completely narcissistic but at the time it was the only way I would even consider taking him back... .

So yes. The silence and not begging to be in their world can trigger their egos into overdrive for a recycle... .but it won't bury their BPD which is in essence who they really are. Recycles in my opinion are about their attempts at recapturing the immense power they once had over you…it's like the ultimate challenge for them…but once they have you…total disinterest (like dropping a boring toy)…and total lack of reciprocity on every level: emotional, mental, spiritual….

With an untreated BPD it is and shall forever be all about them.

They are quite adept at laying the charm on thick and exploiting that part of us that yearns to feel unconditional love but it's up to us to feel that love for ourselves cause unconditional love can never come from a person who's not only mentally ill but in essence hates themselves.

These boards are invaluable and have saved many lives. Our ex's are not the answers we so long to have answered.

Spell

[nyfit1]

Hi Spell. I couldn't agree more. She used/uses her previous bf as a doormat and the guy before him who she had an affair with while married. He was one of her husbands friends. She will never use me like that. Any respect or sympathy that I had for her is long gone. I just want her to leave me alone. I know her game. She is literally a BPD stereotype. If she doesn't have BPD then BPD does not exist.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep. The most respect I ever got from her, the only respect really, was when I left her. She was shocked that her bullsht wasn't working anymore, then got sickeningly sweet, that didn't work either, and then she melted down into a puddle of insecurity, despair and self-hatred. Gotta admit I liked it and laughed at her, not my most virtuous moment, but boy did she have it coming. Later it all became sad and I developed sympathy for her, she really doesn't have a choice, but payback's a btch, and she had it coming.

[Moonie75]

She was shocked that her bullsht wasn't working anymore, then got sickeningly sweet, that didn't work either, and then she melted down into a puddle of insecurity, despair and self-hatred.

My bad side thinks that sounds devine!  Yum yum

[Waifed]

Good for you NYFit!  You have come a long way in just a couple of months.

[necchi]

 

Be proud of you, you own those stripes!  ///

[myself]

The more boundaries I set, the worse she acted. Doing what she can to tear the relationship down instead of build it up. The part of me that wants her back is far overshadowed now by having seen the light of how things really are. I am accepting it and moving on. The last time she contacted me, she intentionally hurt me so I turned away. As myself, not her scapegoat. I am leaving her painful words in the past.

[necchi]

The more boundaries I set, the worse she acted. Doing what she can to tear the relationship down instead of build it up. The part of me that wants her back is far overshadowed now by having seen the light of how things really are. I am accepting it and moving on. The last time she contacted me, she intentionally hurt me so I turned away. As myself, not her scapegoat. I am leaving her painful words in the past.

That's the place we must seek to get to an don't it feel good when our mind just automatically stand for us.

Glad you are well... .But stay well!