How has your relationship with your pwBPD impacted your social life?

[Hope26]

Hi Everyone, I thought the topic entitled 'Validation Clinic - Festive Edition' was very interesting, and it got me thinking.  It seems to be a 'given' that getting through the holiday season is difficult for us.  Do most pwBPD's have problems with any/all social interactions, including a preference to avoid them entirely?  Mine would be happy if there were none, I think.  When we met I had a lot of friends and he basically had none; his own choice.  He knows how to be charming when he wants to be.  Now my friends are 'our' friends, but there is far less social interaction.  He seems to find fault with everybody, especially those we have spent the most time with.  I can deal with this now, though I would like more contact with friends; but I worry about my upcoming retirement in a year or so.  He is already retired, and does do some volunteer work.  I am gone more than 10 hours a day weekdays, and he wants us to be together all the time when I'm home.  I think eventually I'm going to have to insist on some time spent apart.  Would be interested in your experiences, and how you cope!

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[Seneca]

mine is actually very social... .loves to be around people, cannot STAND to be by himself. I think that stems from the lack of identity business... .he is nothing on his own. Anyhow, it has affected me in a myriad of ways.

1) With friends or family who have witnessed his BPD behaviors towards me and he is comfortable displaying them in front of - it has strained their relationships with him and me. Lot of talking behind his back, trying to understand it etc.

2) If he doesn't have equal time doing something fun or going out, I feel terribly guilty going anywhere or asking to go anywhere without him. He certainly does not insist that I stay and never has, but he will act out in other ways. He gets paranoid that I am not where I say I was  and then does the whole checking my email and my phone stuff. Sometimes I just leave my phone home, because at least he'll know I am not texting my imaginary boyfriend. He will accuse me of having affairs with straight same gender friends, married people, men dozens of years older than myself etc. He'll accuse me of sitting with my girlfriends and talking behind his back, trashing his reputation etc.

3) I do try to make him as comfortable as possible by communicating my intention to go out well in advance, giving him specific details of where I'll be and when I'll return, providing evidence (if possible) of where I've been. Basically, me going out alone, raises the paranoia quotient quite a bit and will lead to rages. But I have realized that as long as I've done my best to help him cope, I have done my job and should not feel obligated to stay home and be miserable with him. I have to take care of myself. I try not to let the guilt get to me.

[nodoover]

wow I could relate to you because it fits my life a lot. My H/BPD can be great when he wants to be, tell jokes etc.  He spends his time by himself no friends by his choice also, I have tried to put us together as couples and sometimes it goes ok and then there has been times I lost friends because in middle of dinner he talked about depression and how his life was worthless... .and we weren't that close of friends.

Later my friend told me her husband felt uncomfortable and that is when I told her what I thought my husband had. Let's just say they no longer ask us out.

H told me when we first met 14 yrs ago before we retired that he had no friends because of his work hours and commute, (he worked swings and most people he worked with lived over a hour away) made sense to me at the time. I saw his anger and thought it was because he was angry at work so I encouraged him to retire to mountains thinking he needed peace.

He has been miserable and instead of having something to do he spends his time mostly playing solitaire on the computer. Thankfully a guy we know bought local taxi service in our small town and hired him part time last summer that has helped immensely giving him something to do except on stressful days when he has to drive bus and it breaks down (they are all used)

He is very depressed this time of year and easily drawn to anger so thank god for the job.

If I was you I would not give into the being around him all the time no matter what.  I find I need my friends, my outside activities, my gym or exercise to give me the strength to deal with H's problems.  If you spend too much time around a negative person it starts to pull you down to their level even if you try to stay up.

I use to feel guilty running off when he was home alone, and now I think it is his choice to stay home alone and do nothing. Ignore the sighs, the little comments about anything you do, leave the room if you have to.  It's the only way you will stay sane retired with them!

Oh and I haven't given up... .I have new friends due to a exercise class and got invited to xmas happy hour at friends house with 4 other couples.  He did fine. I made a decision awhile back I can't let my fear of what he might say keep me from going out.  Mine is at least willing to go, its what he might say that can scare me!

By the way... .it's great he is doing volunteer work, that should make him feel good about himself.  I have tried to get mine to do some, he did once but said if I work I want to be paid... .

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has made our social life non existent. I didn't have many friends before I met him and my one friend that I lived with he made sure to drive a wedge in between us. I didn't know about BPD then so I allowed him to do it, We had gotten into a fight that had nothing to do with my husband, he just took that and ran with it so I would never make up with her. He used to hang out with his family a lot and would take me around them. so it seemed like he liked being social when I first met him. 

Fast forward a few years and he has no friends by choice and has no desire to have friends. We occasionally see my family because I force him to, or I go myself. He doesn't like people in general and when we do go out he immediately starts picking out faults of people (real or imagined)  when we leave their company. His family seems to be a trigger for him now.

I happen to be antisocial myself so it doesn't bother me that much. As long as I get to see my family.

[Hope26]

Hi Friends, I want to thank all of you who replied to me!  It does seem to confirm that we all have issues revolving around our social lives (or lack thereof!).  And it seems like all three of you have pretty much been able to find solutions that work for you, at least to some degree.  I think that's great!  Seneca, it must be hard dealing with the fact that some of your friends/family are witness to his BPD behaviors.  Mine generally reserves those just for me; he is high-functioning and seems to be able to control himself in social circumstances (though maybe that's why he doesn't like them, come to think of it!)  so others don't know he has BPD.  He does act out sometimes when he drinks heavily, so that I'm sure some suspect there is 'something wrong'.  And you are right, you have to take care of yourself, and should not feel guilty about doing so.  It sounds like nodoover and Cloudy Days both have circumstances similar to mine.  Mine too can be great and tell jokes.  A couple we met this past year said 'oh, he must keep you laughing all the time' (that in itself was a laugh!).  But mine, like both of yours, just seems to prefer to avoid social contact as much as possible.  I can see him start to tense up even after a few minutes on the phone.  You have all given good advice, and you are right that we have to insist on some time for ourselves.  Thanks again!

[lena7]

I guess it depends on the person. My hBPD doesn't have any friends, and even though he won't admit it, he won't let me have my own friends. I lost contact with my family because of him too.

For me it's a big issue because I'm a social person, but haven't been for the past 5 years. I haven't been out with friends for the past 5 years and I'm still in my 20s! I feel I'm missing out on life. I know that at some point I'm going to have to make a decision because I can't keep living like this, I'm going crazy.

Hope y'all had a happy christmas

[waverider]

In a BPD relationship you will find your whole life and interactions have been slowly changed by association until you become unlike you would otherwise. You will be living by default rather than choice.

The aim now that you recognize this is for you to take back your right of choice. It will not be easy, nor quickly achieved, but it is the foundation of an enjoyable future.

There are many who have been through this and will be able to put forward some positive examples of how this can be achieved