Neither one of us want to give up, but we have a huge amount of conflict.

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I just found this site, directed here by a friend.

I have a couple of very important people in my life who *may* be BPD. I don't know. I read around and they seem to be having aspects of them.

One of them is my son, who is 20 years old. I don't feel I can do anything right now, except give him some space. I will address that over on the parenting part of the forum later.

Right now I wanted to ask about an issue with my boyfriend (bf).


We have had a very chaotic relationship. Niether one of us want to give up the relationship, but we end up in huge amounts of conflict. Which results eventually in both of us losing our temper. I have a huge outburst and he runs off to... .calm down I guess. But he takes weeks sometimes. Basically I get the silent treatment.

It upsets me terribly. So I have been working on ways to redirect myself and stay stable during it.

We had a huge fight last weekend. He apparantly got overwhelmed by an issue with his kids, and when he showed up to me, he was really ugly. I let myself get sucked in and we ended up in a battle of wills, where he was threatening to publically humiliate me and threatening to end our relationship. At the time it really wound me up. Eventually I totally lost it and told him off. I was honest to him, but I know it didn't help us.

Since then he cut off all means of communication except through facebook and went totally silent. We don't live together. I was pretty upset myself so I was quiet, too.

In the last couple of days, I sent him a text to say I am sorry for how I handled things. No response. Typically he won't apologize for things. I feel sad, but I realize he is taking some time for himself and he will be back sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I know he is extremely depressed, angry and sad right now. I really want to offer him some support. I think he believes I may leave him this time.

I am not leaving. I guess my question after all of that, is should I offer the reassurance, (email, text) though I know he won't respond or should I simply leave him be. I feel really bad for him and know he feels like he is a terrible person. Am I just being co-dependent? I guess probably he is ok and will sort himself, but we came off of a few months closeness and I don't want to act like he doesn't matter or how he feels doesn't matter. He says he believes no one really cares how HE feels. I DO care, even if we had an ugly argument.

Anyone's thoughts on this are appreciated!

[elemental]

 

I just found this site, directed here by a friend.

I have a couple of very important people in my life who *may* be BPD. I don't know. I read around and they seem to be having aspects of them.

One of them is my son, who is 20 years old. I don't feel I can do anything right now, except give him some space. I will address that over on the parenting part of the forum later.

Right now I wanted to ask about an issue with my boyfriend (bf).


We have had a very chaotic relationship. Niether one of us want to give up the relationship, but we end up in huge amounts of conflict. Which results eventually in both of us losing our temper. I have a huge outburst and he runs off to... .calm down I guess. But he takes weeks sometimes. Basically I get the silent treatment.

It upsets me terribly. So I have been working on ways to redirect myself and stay stable during it.

We had a huge fight last weekend. He apparantly got overwhelmed by an issue with his kids, and when he showed up to me, he was really ugly. I let myself get sucked in and we ended up in a battle of wills, where he was threatening to publically humiliate me and threatening to end our relationship. At the time it really wound me up. Eventually I totally lost it and told him off. I was honest to him, but I know it didn't help us.

Since then he cut off all means of communication except through facebook and went totally silent. We don't live together. I was pretty upset myself so I was quiet, too.

In the last couple of days, I sent him a text to say I am sorry for how I handled things. No response. Typically he won't apologize for things. I feel sad, but I realize he is taking some time for himself and he will be back sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I know he is extremely depressed, angry and sad right now. I really want to offer him some support. I think he believes I may leave him this time.

I am not leaving. I guess my question after all of that, is should I offer the reassurance, (email, text) though I know he won't respond or should I simply leave him be. I feel really bad for him and know he feels like he is a terrible person. Am I just being co-dependent? I guess probably he is ok and will sort himself, but we came off of a few months closeness and I don't want to act like he doesn't matter or how he feels doesn't matter. He says he believes no one really cares how HE feels. I DO care, even if we had an ugly argument.

Anyone's thoughts on this are appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seneca]

yucky situation, and familiar. my uBPDh swings between extended silent treatments and rages. They are both tools to manipulate you into compliance, to get you to capitulate to a demand, or "prove" your love for them by begging for them back. He is not behaving like this because he needs time and space. This is not normal behavior. What would you do, were you in a relationship with another "normal" man who hurt your feelings? Perhaps you would be angry and need a break, but since you care for this person you would communicate that and say "I think I need a bit of time. Can we talk tomorrow? etc" YOU would not be silent for days or weeks, refuse to answer calls or emails etc, would you? No... .because that is not appropriate behavior towards someone you care about.

That is what being in these relationships does to us, we lose our focus on reality, and eventually are unable to recognize what is abnormal in our relationships. YOU did your part, and apologized for your inappropriate response to him. You do not owe him second and third apologies, nor do you need to reach out and let him know you care.  Sometimes it helps me to think of pwBPD as toddlers when they disregulate. You are a parent so you will get this easily - what did your kid do when he wanted attention? Misbehave? Scream and cry? Hold his breath? Slam doors or tell you you were a bad mommy? Sound familiar? His behavior is akin to the toddler holding his breath.

You are clearly a loving and tender woman. It is commendable that you choose to stand by someone who has a mental health issue. But perhaps this time away is a golden opportunity for you to assess how you can begin to take care of yourself in this relationship, and not focus all of your energy trying to make someone comfortable who CANNOT be made comfortable.   

hang in there. I know how bad the silent treatment hurts 

[elemental]

I left him a message on facebook a couple of days ago asking if he is ready to talk again. He hasn't unblocked me on skype, so clearly the answer is no. I don't know if he responded on facebook. I haven't looked. I don't feel up to going over there and seeing myself ignored. I feel hurt and don't want to feel reinforced on that today.

I used to completely lose it by this stage when he gives silent treatment. First you try to talk, then you show upset, then if you are not understanding what the game is about... I have gone into massive meltdowns, raging and ending up in hysterics begging him to stop. Ignored, or told "no, I don't think so, you need to learn when to shut up."

When I realized how much he is enjoying the show, I began to regain composure. Dignity and self respect above all!

His reasoning for it this time, he did express before he went on lockdown: he thinks I talk too much and he said "that is exactly the reason I hate you."

In the last couple of years we have had a load of difficulties, all of them to do with unresolved issues with his ex wife. I have grown into a state of high anxiety and panic, and as a result when something happens,  I end up so panicked I talk a lot. On the site here, they call it JADE, I think.

He and his ex are in a battle over their two children, a 6 year old boy and an 11 year old girl. The ex has 100% custody, and he has run out of money in the fight, trying to get some custody. It's an ugly mess.

She wants him back and to get remarried. She's trying to leverage a lot of things out of him by witholding visitation. Trying to get rid of me AND a load of other things. He is at wit's end, frustrated, hurting and very angry and depressed. They have been divorced for 5 years. She has jerked him around every minute of those 5 years.

So if he gets a chance to see the kids, he will take it and run right over there. What follows always has a lot of drama, shock, discord. I try to stay out of it, but about every other time he goes to visit, he ends up staying overnight because he ends up getting there so late in the day. Which HE insists I shouldn't be worried about since he pretty much hates the lady. While I understand on one level, it scares the heck out of me, so I end up talking at him and he shuts down or makes threats to. And my talking at him, is not actually THAT much, but I can seeing it is JADE ing him.

Not sure how to resolve it. It's been going on for years and I have gotton a lot directed at me. MY boundries are not the same as his. I think he has a lot of problems with her from letting her manipulate him. At the same time, if he didn't let her, he would hardly see the kids.

So I don't know what to do about that   I feel disrespected, but also feel like I am being mean or something asking for boundries to be enforced between THEM.


I came here to learn some better ways of communicating. I have a lot of resentment and hurt from the silent treatment.

From what I can tell, he is trying to control me and my expressions of disagreement.

This last time, I really lost it. I wasn't nice at all and I am not surprised I am getting this retaliation. Tired of it. I am not saying anything to him that is not true, I guess I am looking for lessons in diplomacy. 

And yes, silent treatment does hurt. In particular it hurts because I know he is doing it to hurt me and enjoys my pain over it.  I can forgive him for being upset or rattled from my outburst and needing time to himself because he feels so tired or strained from the custody problems. It's really hard for me to forgive him for the deliberate intentional hurt though.  :'(

I think, though, if we can communicate better, this will happen less and less. If I can learn to stop JADE, probably 80% of the problem will be alleviated. I just feel such a need to defend myself and explain why I feel certain ways. He gets really ugly with me fast and lately I have felt so angry at the bullying on his part, I fight back.

How do I retain my self respect under these conditions if I just shut up literally because he TELLS me too and threatens me to make me do it? 

[elemental]

I guess I am dumb. I went over to facebook and asked him if we could sort things out. He read what I wrote, and ignored me   :'(

Why do people want you in their life, and then act this way?  Why can't someone say yes or no?

Why do I ask why   I feel so hurt.

[Seashells]

Hi Zencat,

Just checking in on you.  I'm glad you found this board.  I'm sorry you have a need to be here. 

I can relate to so much of what you're saying here.  It's really confusing at times isn't it?

And yes, some of the things suggested feel counter intuitive in a way and it's hard at first to feel confident doing them.  Baby steps.

It's a work in progress for me and for all of us.  The reading really helps, yet don't be discouraged, it takes time and practice and you won't get it right every time.

For me one of the most important things to work on when I started out was to focus on myself.  What did I want?   What was I willing to accept and what isn't acceptable to me?

JADE -ing was a tough habit for me to break, and I'm still working on it. 

Keep reading and posting.  It helps.   All of the lessons on the right are a good place to start.  ------------->

There's so much information here. 

[elemental]

My JADE is very specific: his ex wife won't let him see the children unless he goes to her apartment. Since they have no custody orders yet, if he wants to see them, he has to go there. It's a 2.5-3 hour trip there, depending on weather. So sometimes he goes on Saturday and wants to spend the night at her apartment. For a variety of reasons. Like his daughter cries when he tries to leave. Or he got there late and didn't have much time.

Even though they are in a custody fight, his ex wife manipulates this and she wants him back. So she loves it. He tells me that she has asked him to get STD tests because she wants to have sex with him and remarry. While he is there she starts debating him, telling him basically that he belongs there for her and the children.

So I don't like him staying overnight. I feel it is bad boundries and sends messages to her that he may be available and messages to the kids that he may come back and live there.  He tells me no, he has no interest in her, and he just really misses the kids and wants more time with them.

So he gets pretty roughed up while there. He comes back angry and resentful and feeling like a horrible person because he isn't there with an intact family. He doesn't WANT to be there, but he feels awful for it.  Last 2 times he was there, he took his anger out on me because I was a bundle of nerves.

And, a few years ago, he DID go back for a bit. So to me it is a valid fear. One he is impatient with and can get disrespectful to me on. So I JADE, trying to explain WHY I feel the way I do ( You left me for a while to try again with her! It hurt! I am scared of it when I see such blurred boundries.)

And that is all I JADE on and boy that JADE ing leads to me listing for him to "prove" I have a reason to feel this way and a valid request of making visiting arrangements in a way where he sees his kids but doesn't stay the night, ad nauseum.

End of it all is a huge fight, a lot of hurt feelings, and him giving me the silent treatment anywhere from a week to 2 weeks.

Usually if I leave him alone, it's about 2 weeks.

Probably I just JADEd anyone reading this.

He really hates me for getting so upset that I lash out. I am feeling pretty discouraged because I don't think I can be on board with the overnights. At the same time, he really is getting screwed around over the kids. BUT  he did this in the past, went back and cheated.

I don't know how to put my mind and feelings at rest on this. I can tell you that if roles were reversed I don't know what I would do. I would really want to stay the night so I could see my kids the next day, too.

[elemental]

ok, he is coming out of it. I think I still have a few more days to work on learning tools.

Merry Christmas everyone