If The Holidays Are Bad For Us, Remember the pwBPD

[Turkish]

... .maybe it may make you feel better.

I'm sad seeing all of the holiday posts. Sad myself, too.

I spent the day with xSOwBPD and the kids. Came home and her usual thing of puttering around and then compressing everything to the last minute, stressing out, then offloading the stress onto me (and blaming me) was coming. I said I was not going to go to her parents' for dinner. I'll hang around the house (no time for a drive into the hills to watch the sunset since the daylight was wasted). I asked her what time she was getting home. Their tradition is to open gifts at midnight. I told her I was going to sleep early. She said she might call me later to pick up the kids (uh... .she's taking them, and it's all of 3 miles away, she can bring them back herself and go back to hang with her family is she wants to).

In any case, we bathed both kids early and put them into new clothes. x takes the usual 1.5 hrs to shower and dress to leave. Kids didn't have naps, very rambunctious. S3 went outside. X calls through the window to come in since she didn't want them to get dirty (her family is lower middle class, it's not like they're going to The Hamptons). D1 didn;'t like this, starts tantruming. X asks me what is wrong with her, I say she's really tired, and it was hard to keep them entertained for so long (I didn't want to turn on the tv). X tries to change D1, D1 starts giving her a really hard time. S3 running around like any 3 year old. I feel the stress start from X... .she starts getting frustrated with our little princess and says, "this is why I don;'t like to go out with you guys, I'm sick of you screaming!" Me? I think to myself that despite this past two weeks' re-engagement with the kids more (she told me the other night I made it seem like she hadn't been, and I let the comment slide... .despite the last 8 months' behaviors to the contrary), she is still the same inside, the kids will always be hard for her, and when they trigger her, I will be there to come to the rescue. Not of her, for my children. The good thing about my situation as compared to some others here is that my X realizes it (not the running off with the kids, because she knows she can't handle them consistently).

In other news, I found a note on the computer, something she typed "thank you for all that you do for us, and for being an awesome daddy!" The Freudian thing here... .she didn't use our two kids' names, she included herself in that sentiment, I think.

That's a note she proofed (she's ESL, she's been doing this for years, typing to spell check... .that's how I found some of the stuff she wrote to her paramour, by ctl+x) for whatever present she got me. I should just accept it with little comment, though I want to say something like, "I only want from you the one thing you are incapable of giving, but at least I take comfort in the fact that you are unable to give it to anyone else either." I then think "if I said that to my three year old, would he understand it?" No. So I will just accept it graciously for what it is. A gift from my S3, D1 and D31.

Then, below that, because she was also watching inspirational videos, "you are powerful beyond measure."

If the holidays are bad for us, think of what it is like for our BPDs. This was just a small peek into today, what should have been completely stress-free, but it wasn't. But at least it wasn't two Christmases ago where she was in suicide ideation and deep depression.

[starshine]

My uexBPD/NPDbf was a train wreck at the holidays.  The first couple of years together he went go to my family's with minimal problems.  He got progressively worse as time went on, getting to the point of full blown panic attacks where he was shaking, crying, and puking.  He retired to the bedroom as soon as we got to my dad's, on the last Thanksgiving, claiming a migraine.  That last Christmas he refused to go to my family's right after we loaded up the car.  Birthdays, no way.  Even his ex-wife's birthday was a bad day for him.  It was really intense how he could ruin a good time celebration with his crappy attitude.

[Turkish]

My uexBPD/NPDbf was a train wreck at the holidays.  The first couple of years together he went go to my family's with minimal problems.  He got progressively worse as time went on, getting to the point of full blown panic attacks where he was shaking, crying, and puking.  He retired to the bedroom as soon as we got to my dad's, on the last Thanksgiving, claiming a migraine.  That last Christmas he refused to go to my family's right after we loaded up the car.  Birthdays, no way.  Even his ex-wife's birthday was a bad day for him.  It was really intense how he could ruin a good time celebration with his crappy attitude.

Wow, starshine that is worse... .one valentines day ruined with mine too. After that, me walking on eggshells each year... .Her social anxiety came out plenty of other times... .I used to think I was an introvert, but compared to her, I was the opposite. She even called me a social butterfly once, which shocked me.

[Ironmanrises]

Then, below that, because she was also watching inspirational videos, "you are powerful beyond measure."

If the holidays are bad for us, think of what it is like for our BPDs. This was just a small peek into today, what should have been completely stress-free, but it wasn't. But at least it wasn't two Christmases ago where she was in suicide ideation and deep depression.

That video she was watching was probably to trick herself into believing that, to later use as part of the facade to the the enablers/douchebag young guy. My exUBPDgf was all into inspirational bull___ too, especially in round 2 devaluation as she methodically destroyed my self esteem in the process while portraying how she was "personally growing" concurrently. The sickening duality presented a la Janus-faced entity. I no longer view anything "inspirational" as genuine after experiencing such a disingenuous contradiction. Turkish, mine also displayed have issues with holiday's too, she first admitted to this difficult time all the way back in friendship. I had no clue at that time and attributed it to her "depression". I was so wrong. If she is indeed having a difficult time now(I will make that assumption based on her previous behavior), it is no where near as difficult as it is for me. Her actions and the subsequent consequences of said actions have directly impacted me. Sorry, it has been a rough patch of days for me.

[Turkish]

Then, below that, because she was also watching inspirational videos, "you are powerful beyond measure."

If the holidays are bad for us, think of what it is like for our BPDs. This was just a small peek into today, what should have been completely stress-free, but it wasn't. But at least it wasn't two Christmases ago where she was in suicide ideation and deep depression.

That video she was watching was probably to trick herself into believing that, to later use as part of the facade to the the enablers/douchebag young guy. My exUBPDgf was all into inspirational bull___ too, especially in round 2 devaluation as she methodically destroyed my self esteem in the process while portraying how she was "personally growing" concurrently. The sickening duality presented a la Janus-faced entity. I no longer view anything "inspirational" as genuine after experiencing such a disingenuous contradiction. Turkish, mine also displayed have issues with holiday's too, she first admitted to this difficult time all the way back in friendship. I had no clue at that time and attributed it to her "depression". I was so wrong. If she is indeed having a difficult time now(I will make that assumption based on her previous behavior), it is no where near as difficult as it is for me. Her actions and the subsequent consequences of said actions have directly impacted me. Sorry, it has been a rough patch of days for me.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time  Ironman. I  spent last night by myself.  She brought the kids home late then went out until 2am  to wherever.  May have gone back to get parent's our somewhere else. I  didn't ask.  I'm still in FOG  thinking about the r/s... .u  feel the same way about inspirational stuff now too.  Merry Christmas buddy... .

[Ironmanrises]

Then, below that, because she was also watching inspirational videos, "you are powerful beyond measure."

If the holidays are bad for us, think of what it is like for our BPDs. This was just a small peek into today, what should have been completely stress-free, but it wasn't. But at least it wasn't two Christmases ago where she was in suicide ideation and deep depression.

That video she was watching was probably to trick herself into believing that, to later use as part of the facade to the the enablers/douchebag young guy. My exUBPDgf was all into inspirational bull___ too, especially in round 2 devaluation as she methodically destroyed my self esteem in the process while portraying how she was "personally growing" concurrently. The sickening duality presented a la Janus-faced entity. I no longer view anything "inspirational" as genuine after experiencing such a disingenuous contradiction. Turkish, mine also displayed have issues with holiday's too, she first admitted to this difficult time all the way back in friendship. I had no clue at that time and attributed it to her "depression". I was so wrong. If she is indeed having a difficult time now(I will make that assumption based on her previous behavior), it is no where near as difficult as it is for me. Her actions and the subsequent consequences of said actions have directly impacted me. Sorry, it has been a rough patch of days for me.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time  Ironman. I  spent last night by myself.  She brought the kids home late then went out until 2am  to wherever.  May have gone back to get parent's our somewhere else. I  didn't ask.  I'm still in FOG  thinking about the r/s... .u  feel the same way about inspirational stuff now too.  Merry Christmas buddy... .

The FOG you are in is because she still lives with you, thus impacting you directly. I am so sorry Turkish. I can imagine how difficult that must be as I recollect the time period shortly after she was triggered in round 2. I have attached a negative sentiment to other's(coworkers, friends/family, etc) displaying "inspirational things/messages"(no offense to anyone on here who does that), it reminds me of her, of Medusa. It was a false image. And it hurt me directly. Have a Merry Christimas as well, friend. Hang in there.

[starshine]

So far I've spent the day peacefully alone- I went cross country skiing this afternoon, ate a nice lunch, took a super power nap.  

I'm waiting to hear from my kids about when they are coming over- I saw them briefly last night to exchange gifts, and I have baked brownies for tea time later tonight.  My kids are grown- 18 and almost 20.  My s18 seems pretty balanced and even tempered- a NON!  YEAY!  My d20 is undiagnosed with something, but you can bet your bottom dollar the military will diagnose her- she went in a little over a year ago, and was in personality much like her dad (uASPD/NPD/BPD- he's a very powerful and manipulative personality and she is enmeshed with him/stepmom has an eating disorder and puts up with The Crazy).  Since being in the military she has gotten on birth control (hormonally induced insanity), acquired a full blown eating disorder, and is aparently cutter.  The military has put her on multiple meds for anxiety and depression.  I'm like, "WHOA!  What happened to my kid?"  And on the way home for the holidays, she stopped with the (yet unmet) boyfriend to celebrate his birthday and holiday with his family and friends.  He's 26.  Older.  His buddies line him up with shots, and d20 (almost 20) does lots of shots too.  While (yet unmet) boyfriend is puking in the bathroom, d20 is cutting herself with a razorblade she found in a junk drawer with some old cellphones.  :)eep enough that when they wake up hungover the next morning they have to go and get her 6 stitches.  WOW.  That's crazy- my kid was THAT GIRL at the party.  I expressed my concern, while not freaking out. Met the boyfriend- he seems nice and finds her abusive behavior charming.  Probably co-dependant.   Needless to say, she has spent much more time at her father's house, where crazy is normalized.  

I can't say I'm too bummed about spending the holiday alone in peace and quiet, nurturing myself in healthy ways.  The other options: I could be hanging out at my ex's with my kids- I'm sure they wouldn't mind.  It would be awful, and I don't feel it's worth it.  Holidays can be harder if spent being surrounded with dysfunction- that's kind of the expectation and stereotype of "home for the holidays".  I'm glad to make different choices for myself on this day.  

I can't imagine still having to live with my ex, deal with the shenanigen's while trying to maintain peace for my family and heal at the same time.  I'm sending you light, Turkish and Ironman, as these dark days will start to become a little brighter.  We will move through this.  We will heal, eventually.