Her parting words have me wondering.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, tonight she ended it. Ironically around the same moment I was gonna call her to end it. For the story, if anyone cares to read, you can read it here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214648.0

The short is that I was away for about 2 weeks, I abandoned her in a moment when I was mostly unavailable for about 2 days to speak thanks to you know, real life being what it is. She replaced me toute suite with a guy I introduced her to in my circle of friends. So far they don't seem to be romantically involved, but I presume they are engaging in VERY intimate emotional entanglement. They're talking all the time and I suspect any guy who puts up with that much intense need and intense emotional honesty has some interest, though he seems to be a bit of a stand up guy and may be hesitant out of respect to me, being that he's my friend. It should be known that the last 3 days we were on a "break" which she initiated to "figure my feelings out". I figured pretty much immediately that she was just afraid to end it because she hates to make people feel hurt. I suspect this is very familiar to you guys so far.

In any case, most of the break up was plaintive "sorry" about how she suddenly changed her feelings. A lot of her being really concerned I'd blab her secrets to him, in fact that was probably her only incentive to carry on talking to me for the nearly 2 hours our breakup discussion lasted. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't sabotage this friend of mine by telling him what he was in store for.

But here's the good part. See I got self indulgent in the goodbye convo. I basically did what you basically shouldn't and I told her how I saw the relationship go sour, how I saw the way she attached to him when I "abandoned" her and that I don't take it too personally because of her disorder. Well of course that I bring that up is completely unacceptable. She told me these things in confidence. She confided in me and trusted me, and here I am hurting her by telling her that her disorder ended our relationship. See she says that its "controlled". She used the term "controlled personality disorder". I told her it can't be very controlled if you yourself admitted that your subconscious generated feelings for someone who was there for you when I wasn't, for those 2 days I was largely out of contact. She then adds a new detail that she wasn't telling me things, the things which she was experiencing while I was abandoning her, because I was so stressed out.

Her reason for why it has to end now? In addition to being abandoned, she says things moved too FAST. See all this stuff we said we were going to be together, she doesn't want that, its too much. Of course she initiated all of it. She was the first to say them all, to suggest or bring up as a matter of fact the radical life changing decisions that take most people a long time to commit to. She moved really fast, then she said it was too much and jumped ship.

Of course now, she tells me that she regrets telling me her secrets. That I just used them as a weapon against her. That I just made her feel worthless and unlovable. The end of it was almost chilling. It happened in typed chat because she is almost never any good at discussing emotional things verbally. I learned so much of her most deep secrets typing on Skype or some other text based system rather than hearing them in her voice, coming from her lips.

Here's the important part that has me somewhat concerned.

Her: you're hurting me

Me: I am, I'm airing my feelings to you in the last chance I get after letting so much of them sit idle inside myself

I realize now that if we were to be together for a long time I would probably drive you away trying to talk about things like this

I would hurt you by having an honest conversation about emotions

do him a favour

tell him honestly about all this stuff early

make sure he understands

because it takes a lot out of you, and a lot of what you demand from someone really isn't healthy

I dont' know whether if I'd been more firm with boundaries early if things would ahve turned out better, or if I would have just made you discard me faster

fine, I won't torture you with honesty anymore, I'm pretty sure you don't want to be my friend anymore either

Her: you just made me feel what everyone I've ever told you about has made me feel

i appreciate your honesty, i do

and i deserve it

and you're right

Me: about what

Her: i am needy

i am unlovable

Me: thats nto true

Her: at least after a while

Me: because I am still in love with you

Her: you f***ing liar

Me: not lying

if you told me you awnted me back I would have taken you

I told you I have some very thin understanding of what afflicts you and I had told myself I was ready to be there for you through anything it brought

Her: you can't see what you did and said in this conversation

but when you do see it, just know i'll never want anything from you again besides your promise to not hold anything against him and to not blab my secrets

thats all im asking

Me: Im not gonna violate that

but tell me what you're going to do?

Her: no

i need this conversation to end, i can't handle it anymore

im sorry

i am

i know I'm terrible

worthless

Me: no you're not

... .*pause in replies*... .

are you thinking about killing yourself?

Her: f--- off

really?

Me: really what? you told me not so long ago that you had that thought. so I'm concerned.

Her: ill be fine

And thats pretty much all it ended with, other than some trite goodbye I added on after a few minutes, because I'm a poetic idiot who wanted to go out with a flourish. In any case her bolded reply is whats got me. She did about a month ago tell me that she was feeling so self loathing that she was thinking about killing herself, related to something about her father that came up with her family recently. No surprise given his abandonment is the centre of her disordered behavior.

Her statement about feeling that horrible about herself worries me somehow. It basically sounds like a threat, but she's being cagey for some reason. I don't know what it means. Is she going to run to him desperately seeking his love and affection now? She said she doesn't want me to blame him. That seems key.

Maybe I just made her feel so worthless that she is now desperately in need of him romantically? I don't know. I was mostly concerned about potential suicide. All I know is that she grossly overestimates the stability of her disorder. She started this breakup wanting to be friends, being very friendly and apologetic. I believe I made her paint me black or something, but to what end I'm wondering.

Part of me really regrets indulging my desire to stick it to her by telling her whats wrong with her. It was selfish, but in this final conversation I feel like it was the first real selfish thing I've done in the 3.5 months we were together. I could have ended it amicably and just forgotten about her. I would have been a 'great guy' to her for all eternity. Now I'm just another one of "those people".

Thoughts?

[Devin6]

Well, tonight she ended it. Ironically around the same moment I was gonna call her to end it. For the story, if anyone cares to read, you can read it here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214648.0

The short is that I was away for about 2 weeks, I abandoned her in a moment when I was mostly unavailable for about 2 days to speak thanks to you know, real life being what it is. She replaced me toute suite with a guy I introduced her to in my circle of friends. So far they don't seem to be romantically involved, but I presume they are engaging in VERY intimate emotional entanglement. They're talking all the time and I suspect any guy who puts up with that much intense need and intense emotional honesty has some interest, though he seems to be a bit of a stand up guy and may be hesitant out of respect to me, being that he's my friend. It should be known that the last 3 days we were on a "break" which she initiated to "figure my feelings out". I figured pretty much immediately that she was just afraid to end it because she hates to make people feel hurt. I suspect this is very familiar to you guys so far.

In any case, most of the break up was plaintive "sorry" about how she suddenly changed her feelings. A lot of her being really concerned I'd blab her secrets to him, in fact that was probably her only incentive to carry on talking to me for the nearly 2 hours our breakup discussion lasted. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't sabotage this friend of mine by telling him what he was in store for.

But here's the good part. See I got self indulgent in the goodbye convo. I basically did what you basically shouldn't and I told her how I saw the relationship go sour, how I saw the way she attached to him when I "abandoned" her and that I don't take it too personally because of her disorder. Well of course that I bring that up is completely unacceptable. She told me these things in confidence. She confided in me and trusted me, and here I am hurting her by telling her that her disorder ended our relationship. See she says that its "controlled". She used the term "controlled personality disorder". I told her it can't be very controlled if you yourself admitted that your subconscious generated feelings for someone who was there for you when I wasn't, for those 2 days I was largely out of contact. She then adds a new detail that she wasn't telling me things, the things which she was experiencing while I was abandoning her, because I was so stressed out.

Her reason for why it has to end now? In addition to being abandoned, she says things moved too FAST. See all this stuff we said we were going to be together, she doesn't want that, its too much. Of course she initiated all of it. She was the first to say them all, to suggest or bring up as a matter of fact the radical life changing decisions that take most people a long time to commit to. She moved really fast, then she said it was too much and jumped ship.

Of course now, she tells me that she regrets telling me her secrets. That I just used them as a weapon against her. That I just made her feel worthless and unlovable. The end of it was almost chilling. It happened in typed chat because she is almost never any good at discussing emotional things verbally. I learned so much of her most deep secrets typing on Skype or some other text based system rather than hearing them in her voice, coming from her lips.

Here's the important part that has me somewhat concerned.

Her: you're hurting me

Me: I am, I'm airing my feelings to you in the last chance I get after letting so much of them sit idle inside myself

I realize now that if we were to be together for a long time I would probably drive you away trying to talk about things like this

I would hurt you by having an honest conversation about emotions

do him a favour

tell him honestly about all this stuff early

make sure he understands

because it takes a lot out of you, and a lot of what you demand from someone really isn't healthy

I dont' know whether if I'd been more firm with boundaries early if things would ahve turned out better, or if I would have just made you discard me faster

fine, I won't torture you with honesty anymore, I'm pretty sure you don't want to be my friend anymore either

Her: you just made me feel what everyone I've ever told you about has made me feel

i appreciate your honesty, i do

and i deserve it

and you're right

Me: about what

Her: i am needy

i am unlovable

Me: thats nto true

Her: at least after a while

Me: because I am still in love with you

Her: you f***ing liar

Me: not lying

if you told me you awnted me back I would have taken you

I told you I have some very thin understanding of what afflicts you and I had told myself I was ready to be there for you through anything it brought

Her: you can't see what you did and said in this conversation

but when you do see it, just know i'll never want anything from you again besides your promise to not hold anything against him and to not blab my secrets

thats all im asking

Me: Im not gonna violate that

but tell me what you're going to do?

Her: no

i need this conversation to end, i can't handle it anymore

im sorry

i am

i know I'm terrible

worthless

Me: no you're not

... .*pause in replies*... .

are you thinking about killing yourself?

Her: f--- off

really?

Me: really what? you told me not so long ago that you had that thought. so I'm concerned.

Her: ill be fine

And thats pretty much all it ended with, other than some trite goodbye I added on after a few minutes, because I'm a poetic idiot who wanted to go out with a flourish. In any case her bolded reply is whats got me. She did about a month ago tell me that she was feeling so self loathing that she was thinking about killing herself, related to something about her father that came up with her family recently. No surprise given his abandonment is the centre of her disordered behavior.

Her statement about feeling that horrible about herself worries me somehow. It basically sounds like a threat, but she's being cagey for some reason. I don't know what it means. Is she going to run to him desperately seeking his love and affection now? She said she doesn't want me to blame him. That seems key.

Maybe I just made her feel so worthless that she is now desperately in need of him romantically? I don't know. I was mostly concerned about potential suicide. All I know is that she grossly overestimates the stability of her disorder. She started this breakup wanting to be friends, being very friendly and apologetic. I believe I made her paint me black or something, but to what end I'm wondering.

Part of me really regrets indulging my desire to stick it to her by telling her whats wrong with her. It was selfish, but in this final conversation I feel like it was the first real selfish thing I've done in the 3.5 months we were together. I could have ended it amicably and just forgotten about her. I would have been a 'great guy' to her for all eternity. Now I'm just another one of "those people".

Thoughts?

[goldylamont]

Devin6, i think you're giving your ex too much credit as far as reading into her words or believing anything she says about this other guy. also, you have to try your hardest not to tell her things like you are still in love with her, i feel as if you are ignoring much of what she is saying to you in this exchange. this is all still really fresh, so understand that i was where you were at too--that being i was in a place where i was hurt, but i couldn't really express my angers or emotions because i was worried i would push her away and mess up any chance of reconciliation or friendship.

what you will learn though is that once this person reaches where she is at, your relationship from here on out is simply a cycle of devaluation, over and over. it's incredible how selfish this person is and i know it's hard for you to see--but do you realize that your ex just got you to promise to not cock-block her so that she can fool your friend into believing she is sane so she can have sex with him really fast? so that she can later tell you about how much better he is than you? and then when she's done doing this she's going to lie and devalue him in the same way with another guy after she's done with him. rinse, recycle, repeat.

hmm, and i'm seeing that i'm even working on some latent anger myself. it's just, i hate to see people put their hearts out there like this when the other person doesn't deserve it. i just kind of want to jolt you with how she's really acting. this doesn't mean she's all bad, but she is not behaving even close to friendly or respectful by sleeping with your friend. and also please absolve yourself of any guilt, wow, you left her alone for 2 days and she wants to sleep with your friends already? and this is your fault? wow. NO it's not your fault.

Overall, Devin6 you're responses to her are pretty well thought out and I like that you're setting boundaries for yourself. Make sure to never post or send anything nasty to her (skype/fb/email/text/etc) as this could be used against you later. I think you're ok on this regard but just wanted to be sure.

And also Devin6, you have to be very careful about believing anything she told you or thinking that you shared special moments with her that she doesn't share with others. Like has been said before, sure, you're special, but not that special. If you guys only knew each other a few months then she probably tends to tell people everything she's told you in a short time frame too. I noticed this running rampant amongst people who meet my ex. Everybody thinks they know something 'special' about her that she only shares with them because they are 'close'. Closer than anybody else, or so they think! She tells everybody the same BS to enmesh them and make them say things that support her role as a victim. So, just be careful here as I'm sure the next guy will be given the same sob story. So sorry you have to find all of this out, i know for me i felt like a ton of bricks fell on me after the rug was pulled from under! You'll sort it out and feel on the up and up with time, D6 

[goldylamont]

and Devin6 i know you are concerned with your ex's health since she told you about her suicide ideation, which is noble. however the tone of this last exchange is showing me a woman who's much more interested in starting a new romantic relationship and making sure you don't mess it up for her. also to cut you off so that she doesn't have to deal with any questions issues you may have going forth so she can focus on her own life. she's an adult and has survived this long on her own, and she's doing exactly what she wants to make herself feel better, seemingly without taking your emotions into consideration.

[Learning_curve74]

Her statement about feeling that horrible about herself worries me somehow. It basically sounds like a threat, but she's being cagey for some reason. I don't know what it means. Is she going to run to him desperately seeking his love and affection now? She said she doesn't want me to blame him. That seems key.

Maybe I just made her feel so worthless that she is now desperately in need of him romantically?

Devin6, I know you're not feeling great about the breakup. Who ever is in this type of situation? Please realize that most likely she felt worthless before you ever met her, felt worthless while you were together, and will continue to feel worthless afterwards. You were like a drug that gave her a high to run away from those feelings temporarily. But like any drug, the addict builds a tolerance, so she needed a new and different supply. Her words to you are to keep you from ending her new drug supply.

You said you were thinking of ending the relationship yourself, so the result is basically the same. What is it you need for yourself now? Not what she needs, but what do YOU need?

[laelle]

I agree with what has been said...  

Am I correct that in your chat you were giving her advice how to proceed with your replacement?    Are you hearing what your saying?

I know you care about her, but love yourself a bit and dont give her dating advice.  She will only devalue you more for it!

  I know this is tough, I have been there.  We are here for you!