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Author Topic: Looking at myself  (Read 173 times)
damage control
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 475


« on: December 27, 2013, 12:00:03 AM »

Excerpt
Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosis:  :)SM IV Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood ** and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

     Note:  :)o not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior*** covered in Criterion 5.

2)   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3)  Identity disturbance:  markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4)   Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Note:  :)o not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior*** covered in Criterion 5.

5)   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior***.

6)   Affective [mood] instability.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association

** Data collected informally from many families indicate this pattern of symptoms may appear as early as the pre-teens

***The preferred term is self-harm or self-injury

OK ... .apologies in advance for hijacking the thread.

I mainly have #'s 1-7. Although i dissociate as well, just not as much as others seem to (my ex for examples).

Frantic effort to avoid abandonment: hooboy. Yes. I can't think of much that I haven't done to avoid abandonment ... I don't know where to start here. MY biggest issue (and I think this applies to anyone who has abandonment pathologies) is that I choose/create situations where abandonment is all but inevitable - emotionally/physically/geographically unavailable men and then I do everything in my power to make it work. When it (inevitably) doesn't, I sink into other behaviours. I can't explain this one very well because it is a constant. It never ever leaves.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I definitely idealise. I do it/have done it with every single relationship. It doesn't matter how patently wrong these men are for me or in general, the frantic need to be loved and not abandoned overrides all else ... .they are everything. Devaluation doesn't occur or hasn't occured so much in romantic relationships. I think this is because I haven't had many that went past the 12 month mark - only 1 actually and I did devalue him as soon as he relaxed into the relationship, I lost interest in keeping him. I felt sick when he tried to touch me.

My family are a different story. I go through phases with them although these are becoming further apart. I don't not love or care about them ... I do. But ... I don't want them in my life or cannot be bothered maintaining contact because it is so draining to do so. I tend to push my luck with them and then leave. I rarely think about them in between meetings - which are usually years apart. I have no long-term friends, just ex's who come and go (friendship only) ... but as soon as anyone tells me what a great job I am doing or how much they admire me or anything like that, I have to shut them off because I consider that they are not seeing the real me ... only the me that I project. I am very good at being friendly and get along with people easily ... but I figure anybody who cannot see past this doesn't really know me and therefore, their opinion doesn't count.

Identity disturbance:  markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Many people seem to get their sense of self from their work, religion, being a wife, a mother etc ... I do not. None of these things give me any sense of self. I don't adopt other people's personas like I read about on here but, I am acutely aware that things that give others meaning and sense of self are completely empty to me. I feel like an outsider all the time - and I was OK with this ... until it hit me recently that running away all the time to avoid being tied down to an 'identity' that didn't feel real was a real problem for me. I have extreme examples of this but that isn't the point - the point is that none of it seems real for very long ... a year, maybe two and then suffocation, feelings of things being too 'fixed' kick in and ... off I go again.

I don't have concrete values or boundaries. I often joke that I have very few morals but this is not really a joke. I have no broad idea of what I value, I know I love my kids and my dog ... I know I long for love ... but basic social values - marriage, houses, career etc ... they mean very little ... I am afraid of 'stuff' as I feel constricted if I have too much ...

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Yes. Oh yes.

I am impulsive by definition - I am here in an new city by impulse. I have done all of the above - drugs, alcohol, spending etc ... in fact, these are behaviours I still struggle with. It doesn't seem excessive or damaging while I am doing it ... it feels like 'living' ... it's only in retrospect. Friends/family nod indulgently but they don't know the half of what I have done ... nobody does.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior***.



I have massive scars on both wrists - from several suicide attempts. I hit an artery once and was institutionalised (after an abandonment), put on anti-psychotics etc ... I have tried to overdose several times as well. Like many who self-harm, actual suicide attempts and self-harming are 2 very different things. I have not attempted suicide in a very long time ... the feelings are still there but I am able to tolerate them far better than I used to. Self harm I thought I was done with but earlier this year I self-harmed to relieve emotional pain ... .I have read many people say that the physical pain and release of blood is much more tolerable than the emotional pain ... it is the same for me.

Affective [mood] instability.



I think depressive comes under this. I have long been diagnosed with clinical depression but although I become depressive, on it's own, it doesn't cover enough. Again, it is abandonment that triggers depression and so if I avoid relationships/men, I can avoid depression.

I have had this since I was about 13, on and off. Meds help in the short term here but really they stop suicidal behaviour more than anything more profound and I am better at managing that - I still feel it but I am able to get through it now.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.



I think the stuff above covers much of this ... I would add that sex fills this void. But it cannot be sex with anybody. I have to choose somebody, long for them, have obstacles and then ... the sex ... and it is during sex that the empty goes away and there is meaning ... something tangible and real and important.

# 8 + #9

I am not paranoid or dissociative ... .

I don't have anger issues but I do have PA - I rarely, if ever even feel anger. I don't think I allow myself to feel it - I can't access those feelings for more than a short time and I talk myself down fairly quickly. I get angry at myself, I think I am constantly angry with myself. ...

I don't think I dissociate ... I have very large chunks of time from my childhood where I recall very little ... not sure if this is something everybody has.

I have memories (not of trauma) where I have done things I am not proud of that I actually physically cannot bring myself to face ... if the memory surfaces I actually stuff it back down ... again ... not sure if everybody does this?
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necchi
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 376


« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2013, 12:56:31 AM »

Damage, have you ever looked into ADD ? Or just being so pisseĀ£ towards life itself that you permitted yourself to drop people of your ride and than felt sorry for the poor souls even though they might deserve the outcomes?
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damage control
****
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 475


« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2013, 01:03:31 AM »

Hey marinro7 ... my T and I discussed ADHD but I have completed postgraduate studies (written a dissertation etc) and so ADD/ADHD seems to be a long shot because I can concentrate when I need to, don't have fidgety behaviour, am able to wait for conversations to flow naturally etc ... .the impulsiveness I speak of is not jumping out of a moving car or anything on-the-spot, it's more calculated ... ie moving across the country on a whim, walking out of a mortgage without a look backwards ... etc...

Plus the behaviour/s are relational ... crises happen due to relationships primarily, I didn't just jump on a plane to relieve boredom (for example) it was about the relationship
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necchi
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 376


« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2013, 01:25:23 AM »

Hey marinro7 ... my T and I discussed ADHD but I have completed postgraduate studies (written a dissertation etc) and so ADD/ADHD seems to be a long shot because I can concentrate when I need to, don't have fidgety behaviour, am able to wait for conversations to flow naturally etc ... .the impulsiveness I speak of is not jumping out of a moving car or anything on-the-spot, it's more calculated ... ie moving across the country on a whim, walking out of a mortgage without a look backwards ... etc...

Plus the behaviour/s are relational ... crises happen due to relationships primarily, I didn't just jump on a plane to relieve boredom (for example) it was about the relationship

looking at it this way, ADD doesn't suit me anymore! Sight! Who I? What does me?  Why I? Lol!
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