Down to my last week: What how to say to BPDw

[gary seven]

My stbBPDxw and I agreed to a thirty day cooling off after her most recent outbreak  had my oldest child announcing he was running away from home because he couldn't stand her screaming all the time. He took the car keys and ran up and down the driveway screaming at the top of his lungs while she was outside telling me "We have things to discuss you (me) need to come inside."

For me, after 10 years, three kids, and my overwhelming desire to protect the kids --no matter what-- and at whatever cost to me (personally, having been thrown out of two towns and two jobs b/c of her, and professionally having been sanctioned at current job for more time missed (now protected under FMLA) ), I can no longer sanction her participation in this family.

Like a true BPD, and as I have read here, she turned into Cinderella and has taken over every job I did for the past 10 years:  the breakfasts and dinners, the making of the school lunches, using the dishwasher, doing all the laundry, the morning drive to school drop off, hiring babysitter "n+1", dealing with service people, etc.   

Like too good to be true.  "How was work today?"  ":)on't you think you should take some time to spend with each child?"  "Let's go ahead  with your idea and put the stereo in the foyer and play music all the time"  "Look what I found in my closet that fits perfectly"  "Remember when we were dating ... "  She even has the 2013 taxes ready to be filed.  Seriously.

The Cooling off concludes shortly after New Years.  I will need to tell her we're done.

I feel I will be stepping up to the plate to take the swing (not physically, even though she has wrestled me and hurt me before)and finally hit the grand slam home run for me and my kids.  I am nervous about her response.  I know there will be a lot of crying. And probably a mean barrage of fireworks unlike what I have been subjected to .  And I am sure it will be in front of the kids like all these past years of screaming were, despite thousands spent on marriage therapy and personal treatments for her that advise it the wrong thing to do.


I have made contact with a lawyer.  I want to start with a legal separation.  I can't afford to get divorced and also don't want to rip the kids out of their current school after several moves and several schools already.  They deserve some consistency and normalcy. 

My kids therapist has acknowledged I have been functioning as Mom, Dad, and Grandparents to my kids for so many years, when I brought my oldest for a session after the I want to run away episode.  He is still very edgy, but he and I have had some great laughs watching 60's sitcoms on the Roku.

So board members, how have you phrased it?  I know you all survived.  Can I?  How can I say it other than the facts speak for themselves?  Knowing her, and the chaos she caused is a known evil; it is this unknown future that really scares me.  What kind of plan should I have in place?  How volatile do they become when faced with  the abandonment? 

 

[heartandwhole]

Hi gary seven,

I'd like to welcome you to the site, too.  It sounds like you know what you want to do, and I think a plan is a very wise step, as well as seeing a lawyer.  What kind of advice did he/she give you about preparation?

What are your specific fears about your wife's reaction to your desire for a legal separation?

I'd also recommend posting on Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody  There are members there as well who understand the legal ramifications of separation/divorce.

As for the fears about the unknown, that is so understandable.  You have been through a lot and this is a big change you are planning.  Keep posting, we're here for you.  

P.S. This might be helpful, too: Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

[gary seven]

H and W: The lawyer said document everything that goes on, be it journaling or recording.  I was told to collect tax returns, and was told to complete a form for filing.

However, there is a hitch:  my stbxw is a lawyer herself.  Part of my advice that was perhaps let the stbxw draft and complete the papers at the appointed time since it's all about control.  This would let her feel control, but aligned to a forum where people know her.  And have seen her work.  For years it has all been about keeping up appearances on the exterior.  These were her colleagues.

I'm not interested in a messy fight.  I want it quiet and swift.  The legal separation will provide health insurance coverage for her.  It should let me keep the house so the kids don't have to change schools. 

Thanks for the resources, too.

I think the stbxw will teeter off the perfect wife and turn back into miserable gorgon.