I love her But she treats me so bad But I love her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Perfidy mentioned in another post “What I was in love with was an idea. Not a person. I was in love with my own idea of love”.  That is a very true statement and to take that one step further, we we’re all looking for someone to fill that huge void in our lives and our pwBPDs did that so well for us (mirroring?).  Why did we stay so long with them, subjecting ourselves to their harsh treatment?  Why did we consistently put up with the emotional abuse?  Why didn’t we RUN when our friends/family advised us to?  Because we were waiting around for that “nice person” to come back, the one that made you feel so special as if you were meant for each other.  That’s what we all wanted and we were willing to take the emotional beatings just as long as we got some little shred of goodness from them in the end.  We didn’t respect ourselves enough to see that there are other wonderful people out there that can treat us the way we expect to be treated.  But no, like a moth to a light, we kept on getting burned instead of getting out.  “I love her!  But she treats me so bad!  But I love her!”  Kinda sadistic, isn’t it?

My stbx left for the final time a month ago.  At first I was feeling good about it but a week or two after I started feeling down.  I still do at times.  But what I’ve realized is that I’m not feeling blue because she’s not here with me.  Hell, I don’t want her here with me!  No, I miss those moments of complete awesomeness we had together…... but I don’t miss HER.  To piggyback on Perfidy, I miss the idea of her.  She filled that void in my life I so desperately wanted.  What made this last breakup so easy this time around is that I realized after about the 4th recycle is that she’ll never be able accomplish that.  She’ll eventually leave again.  So I stopped depending on her and started depending on me for my own happiness (which is not an easy thing to do after all this time with her).  After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing anyway?

[babyspook]

Perfidy mentioned in another post “What I was in love with was an idea. Not a person. I was in love with my own idea of love”.  That is a very true statement and to take that one step further, we we’re all looking for someone to fill that huge void in our lives and our pwBPDs did that so well for us (mirroring?).  Why did we stay so long with them, subjecting ourselves to their harsh treatment?  Why did we consistently put up with the emotional abuse?  Why didn’t we RUN when our friends/family advised us to?  Because we were waiting around for that “nice person” to come back, the one that made you feel so special as if you were meant for each other.  That’s what we all wanted and we were willing to take the emotional beatings just as long as we got some little shred of goodness from them in the end.  We didn’t respect ourselves enough to see that there are other wonderful people out there that can treat us the way we expect to be treated.  But no, like a moth to a light, we kept on getting burned instead of getting out.  “I love her!  But she treats me so bad!  But I love her!”  Kinda sadistic, isn’t it?

My stbx left for the final time a month ago.  At first I was feeling good about it but a week or two after I started feeling down.  I still do at times.  But what I’ve realized is that I’m not feeling blue because she’s not here with me.  Hell, I don’t want her here with me!  No, I miss those moments of complete awesomeness we had together…... but I don’t miss HER.  To piggyback on Perfidy, I miss the idea of her.  She filled that void in my life I so desperately wanted.  What made this last breakup so easy this time around is that I realized after about the 4th recycle is that she’ll never be able accomplish that.  She’ll eventually leave again.  So I stopped depending on her and started depending on me for my own happiness (which is not an easy thing to do after all this time with her).  After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing anyway?

[LilMissSunshine]

Well said.  For me, I fell in love with the person he pretended to be for the first two years we were together.  That's who I miss, that's who I love.  When the real him started to emerge I stayed an additional 3 1/2 years.  I was that "moth".  I didn't know anything about PD. Thought the "real him" would somehow come back to me.  I now know that's never going to happen, blah, blah, blah.  I guess you could say I fell in love with someone who didn't exist and I still love my "ghost" to this day. 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

and I still love my "ghost" to this day. 

It's so funny that you said this. Just this very morning I was thinking he feels like a ghost to me. Always hanging around. I was even thinking of posting a thread asking if others felt this way.

Weird thing he mentioned this same thing to me after we got back together but it never seemed to jive with the object constancy thing. He was probably just mirroring me.

Sorry. Getting off topic.

[babyspook]

Oh the mirroring!  That’s a subject within itself.  I’d start to say something and she had this innate ability to finish the sentence as if we were on the same wavelength.  I thought it was the coolest ever.  I’d text her out of the blue and she’d reply back “Wow! I was just thinking of you and was going to text you!”.  She liked to do the same exact things that I liked to do.  I could go on and on about this subject.  This woman was my soul mate! **cough**gag**cough**

[LilMissSunshine]

Oh boy.  Not sure if this is mirroring but mine would tell me what I was going to say, what I was really thinking and how I was feeling.  Before long, we'd be arguing.  Actually, he was arguing with himself because I wasn't going to say, wasn't thinking or feeling the way he was telling me I was.  I just sorta stood there with my jaw dropped.  Oh yes, afterwards he would insist I leave - even help me by throwing my stuff outside.  Huh?

[Perfidy]

Wouldn't it be great to have that connection with a healthy person?

[Waifed]

Mine would repeat things (phrases) that I had said 15 minutes or less prior, especially during sex.  It was nuts.  I will say that she didn't change much when we started dating.  She changed MY clothing, etc.  I had known her 3 years prior to dating and never noticed her being different even before we started flirting. She mirrored some things but I noticed she would refer to some of her past friends (girls) and what they liked or details about their lives.  Later on she would use those same comments as things she liked, etc.  It was like she idolized them even thought she didn't really keep in touch with them.  Crazy making stuff! I wish I hadn't been in the FOG the last year.  I would have taken good notes and written a best seller!  You just can't make a lot of this stuff up.

[arn131arn]

Baby, this may just be the most insightful thread I've read to date. I am printing it and taping it to my mirror (along with 100 other things)! Lol... .thank u, thank u, thank u!

[free-n-clear]

I guess you could say I fell in love with someone who didn't exist and I still love my "ghost" to this day. 

 Couldn't have put it better if I tried, LilMiss.

[Iamdizzy]

  This post hits the spot.

This is the hardest part, in my opinion, about breaking up with them granted there are no kids/legal matters involved.

This was my first encounter with a pwBPD and the relationship lasted roughly 7 months. The problem is that it was so intense I unnaturally developed intense feelings for her. After we broke up, I was in love with an image. The girl in my mind that I created, was a complete opposite of who she really was during the 7 months. I don't know why I didn't want to realize that who she really was, her actions and words and the idea I had about her are two completely different things. I put my idea (fantasy) and her physical body together and excluded the BPD. She was the best looking girl, had an amazing time with her during the honey moon phase. She was something else. I often turned down females who give me   early on but I don't know why with her I didn't.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I can relate to all the last posts regarding mirroring word for word.

The finishing each other's sentences. Yes I loved that.  thought it meant we were on the same wavelength and meant to be.  

He would also repeat things I said just minutes before as if it was a new concept he came up with.

and yes he would presume that he knew what I was thinking and what I felt. A lot!  This was the source of soo many arguments. If I said I don't think that at all he would not accept that and become very angry which drives me crazy when anyone does that. Take me on face value. If it bothered me I would say so.

Ok. Since we are talking mirroring here's one I absolutely love!

So my apartment is decorated a certain way with very specific , somewhat uncommon colors. Which by the way he helped me paint but I picked out the colors so I know he knows the color scheme. Fast forward 2 years into the relationship he moves to a new place.  He paints every room the same exact colors as mine.  At the time I thought ok. He likes the colors. That's cool.  We have similar tastes. Well one day months later we are sitting in my place and he exclaims. WOW! I JUST REALIZED OUR PLACES ARE PAINTED THE SAME EXACT COLORS! You think?

I should have said "oh really I hadn't noticed" . Was not really familiar with the mirroring concept at that point.

[Jbt857]

[quote author=Iwalk-Heruns link=topic=216331.msg12364963#msg12364963 date=1388194782

Ok. Since we are talking mirroring here's one I absolutely love!

So my apartment is decorated a certain way with very specific , somewhat uncommon colors. Which by the way he helped me paint but I picked out the colors so I know he knows the color scheme. Fast forward 2 years into the relationship he moves to a new place.  He paints every room the same exact colors as mine.  At the time I thought ok. He likes the colors. That's cool.  We have similar tastes. Well one day months later we are sitting in my place and he exclaims. WOW! I JUST REALIZED OUR PLACES ARE PAINTED THE SAME EXACT COLORS! You think?

I should have said "oh really I hadn't noticed" . Was not really familiar with the mirroring concept at that point. [/quote]
Holy sh!t, I Walk!

Like, that's such a crazy coincidence! 

Just wow.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Holy sh!t, I Walk!

Like, that's such a crazy coincidence!  

Just wow.

I know isn't it! Ha ha! In writing that it makes me realize how they are so used to mirroring their whole life they probably have no idea they even do it. I bet if I brought up the concept he would have no idea what it even was. Incredible!

[babyspook]

Wouldn't it be great to have that connection with a healthy person?

I'm an optimistic kinda guy so I'm gonna just say YES and those healthy people DO exist... .I promise.  Just got to weed through the bad ones till you find a good one. 

[Perfidy]

Wouldn't it be great to have that connection with a healthy person?

I'm an optimistic kinda guy so I'm gonna just say YES and those healthy people DO exist... .I promise.  Just got to weed through the bad ones till you find a good one. 

I really need to work on my own health. Just out of the blue... Maybe the holidays... .falling in a funk. I wouldn't want to share this in a relationship.

[babyspook]

ONE MORE THING THEN I'LL STOP:  If you're in need of a good laugh right now, I highly recommend watching Christopher Titus "Love is EVOL".  He has a unique and extremely funny perspective on emotionally abusive BPD relationships.  "Crazy makes you crazy!"

[LilMissSunshine]

BABYSPOOK... .                                    

       

              and... .

                           

[mango_flower]

Oh gosh... .the "ghost" comment... .

I used the same phrase earlier when talking to a friend... .

It feels like she's still around me, as a ghost, she's so often in my thoughts, and I see things that remind me of her all the time and I feel sad... .

It's like I can't shake her off... .maybe because I don't want to... .

There is a little corner of my heart that will always be hers, and it will always remain perfect, like our love was at one point (even though it was all an illusion it seems). It felt real to me, so I'm holding on to that.