I lost my temper and...

[sadeyes]

I lost my temper this afternoon. He had been pushing & pushing & I had finally had enough. I am not proud of myself, but I just couldn't take it. I was angry & I just let it fly. I was not name calling, but just told him how I really felt in a screaming manner.

The weirdest thing happened. Its like it calmed him down. He became actually nicer & not so out there. I dont know if he felt control that he pushed me so much. Excited that I had stooped so low... .I dont know. I an sure it will blow up later on me, but it is kinda peaceful now.

Thoughts?

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[waverider]

You felt bad because you lost it.

He felt stunned and respected that you were strong and not just rolling over being the doormat.

This however is not a good precedent, but does highlight those two issues.

Do you think if you had firmer boundaries you would not have lost it (and hence self control), but you still could have achieved the same result of gaining respect by not being a doormat.

Outburst are a wild card and can go either way, and often only succeed as it is out of character and a shock tactic. Repeatedly doing this will not have the same effect, nor leaving you feel as though you have got it together.

What do you think you may have done to achieve the same result but in a more controlled way?

By the way dont beat yourself up if you do loose it from time to time, it happens. As you learn better boundaries you feel less fear of it happening and at the same time do a better job of damage control when you do. So it becomes lesser of an issue.

[janey62]

I lost my temper this afternoon. He had been pushing & pushing & I had finally had enough. I am not proud of myself, but I just couldn't take it. I was angry & I just let it fly. I was not name calling, but just told him how I really felt in a screaming manner.

The weirdest thing happened. Its like it calmed him down. He became actually nicer & not so out there. I dont know if he felt control that he pushed me so much. Excited that I had stooped so low... .I dont know. I an sure it will blow up later on me, but it is kinda peaceful now.

Thoughts?

I lost my temper the other night too... .We, my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend and I had spent Christmas together and he had, even while quite drunk and a bit unstable, acknowledged the awful situation I'm in and promised to be more supportive.

I gave up my home and job 3 months ago, not realising the full extent of his disorder or how the change would affect him, and moved to a new area to live on a boat with him which he bought with his ill health pension payout.  I was all optimistic and full of a sense of adventure and hope.  He kicked me out on the second night.  I'm in a flat now which I can't afford and haven't found a full time job yet and he is subbing me.  However, he has become so much worse and treats me appallingly, lifting me up and dropping me back down - seeming to revel in the power he has over me. 

He is drinking heavily which is made worse by the fact that my part time job was in the evenings.  I will leave in the afternoon to go to work and he'll be happy and loving.  Then, when I finish work I'll find text messages on my phone - he having fallen out with me in my absence... .some little think I've said or done, or just because he's happy or had a sad thought about the son he doesn't see, or an angry thought about how his ex wife, mother, me, the world has mistreated and misunderstood him, or any or all of my past relationships... .any little thing really. 

I made the mistake of going into the pub where he was sat drinking and sending his vile texts from and confronting him.  There was only the barman and one other customer there but I could see from the horrified expression on his face that it was a mistake.  I went home and cried myself to sleep and had horrific nightmares all night, waking up to more tears.

I'm actually a counsellor! Believe it or not, I have a degree and a diploma and quite a few years of work experience.

The job which I gave up was in an Addictions Treatment Centre. 

I've read so many posts here which make sense.  I ask myself all the time the questions:  Why do I stay?  What am I getting from this, what is the payoff?  What makes me forget or minimise the awful way he behaves towards me when he is ok and loving?  How can I help him?  How can I help myself?

I know I've got my own issues coming from childhood traumas, abandoned by father, mother depressive suicidal, abused at an early age sexually, a string of broken relationships through my life to date... .It's all there.  I've worked hard on myself over the years though, gained a professional qualification and a great career.  I had good self esteem when I met him.

Sorry, going off at a tangent there... .

Losing my temper is something I don't do very often.  Usually I just walk away mutely but if I do lose it he understands later when he comes out of it, and at the time it makes things only a little bit worse.  Mostly I just feel annoyed and frustrated with myself.  The thing is, when you think about what I, we, are trying to manage here I don't think there is any shame in losing it a bit once in a while, so long as there isn't any physical violence?

What works best is if I just leave him alone and deal with my feelings by myself, though not always easy to do. 

At the moment I'm trying to maintain a peaceful level with him, having to depend on him has made me more careful about how I behave, I've often found myself forgiving him when I don't want to because if I don't it will prolong the thing.  I try to say what I know will ease his mind rather than sulk.  I am coming to gradually understand how this thing works and am taking one day at a time.  I do think that whatever else this is, it is making me more self aware and a better person.

I'm focussed on finding a job so that I have a distraction (very valuable) and money to support myself.  Once that has been achieved I can put some boundaries in place.  He is in principal willing to get professional help.  He saw a Consultant Psychiatrist a month ago but came away with nothing more than the advice to see if there was any improvement once he'd 'settled down'.  The problem is he seems so plausible and sane a lot of the time, doctors don't see what I see. 

I'm sorry this is so long... .  It is incredible for me to be able to let off steam like this.  Until I found this site I thought I was in this insane nightmare alone and haven't really been able to talk about it like this.  The reason why there is even a dilemma about this is that he is such a lovely person some of the time, about half at the moment though before we moved we sometimes had months when things were good.  When they're good they really are, he is my best friend and we have such closeness and passion for each other.  He feels like my long lost other half, my crazy long lost other half perhaps.  Anyway, I find it really hard to abandon him, this man I love for whatever reason, to this monster... .

[an0ught]

I lost my temper this afternoon. He had been pushing & pushing & I had finally had enough. I am not proud of myself, but I just couldn't take it. I was angry & I just let it fly. I was not name calling, but just told him how I really felt in a screaming manner.

Loosing control to some degree is never good. But then these things do happen. So what can be learned?

The weirdest thing happened. Its like it calmed him down. He became actually nicer & not so out there. I dont know if he felt control that he pushed me so much. Excited that I had stooped so low... .I dont know. I an sure it will blow up later on me, but it is kinda peaceful now.

Not weird at all, totally expected in fact.

1) you were validating him perfectly. He was angry and you strongly displayed anger too. Now fighting and yelling is an unhealthy way to do validation but it was validating and he started regulating himself as a result.

2) you were displaying strong emotions.  They got through to him.

3) you were displaying true emotions. Honest emotions. You were behind what you said.

did the world end when you did not avoid conflict and instead you decided to jump up and down and smash eggshells? It is certainly not the way to go about it but the shooting straighter, not avoid conflict may well be a something to keep doing.

Another lesson may be in the area of boundaries. Storming off the stage is usually a better and ultimately stronger option... .

[elemental]

I have gotton angry too. Really lost it. It feels awful to lose control. If your BPD is like mine, all sorts of antics begin that ramp it up, and the situation becomes exponentially scarier because now I am the "bad" one,  I will get punished for it, he may disappear 3 weeks, he won't help out... sad, sorry, resentful, abandoned again by the person who caused the problem.


The good news is that I have lost it less and less as time goes on. The bad news is I was keeping from doing it by sheer force of will and I ended up completely depleting my life and my physical, mental, and emotional self.

So I am now here. What I learned already is that if I am reaching those points, then I am not taking care of myself, feeding myself, sleeping... so on.

Forgive yourself, and take care of  yourself so you can be strong. It was a blip in the greater scheme of things.

[Vindi]

you did lose it, but its ok... .you must have had thing :built up for a long time"... .and things didn't go as bad as you thought, so that is good!

you may get different responses from the question... .go with what you think is good... .I think you were ok, cuz things were building up... .and as long as you didn't get "out of control" and get into a fighting match, its ok! i am glad you got things out and keep talking and communicating along the way to make things smoother

[gravity1]

This has happened to me before too. I lost so much control I let him REALLY have it. He actually responded by immediately terminating the relationship and then came back seeking my forgiveness about 4 days later. I had actually blocked his number because I truly needed time to cool down and we are back in contact again. Because I kind of "abandoned" him for about a month, when we regained contact he desperately needed to regain control. We made plans to talk on the phone at a certain time in the morning, and the whole day he was texting me. I had a guest staying with me and was taking her for a tour around the city and was unable to immediately respond to his texts. He took this as game playing and did not call me or answer my calls later in the evening. This made me very upset, and I kept calling him which fed into the whole thing.

I found myself apologizing, but he is barely answering me and I can tell it is going to be another bout of silent treatment for a couple of weeks. I am so glad I found this forum. Becoming upset means that I personalized the behavior and it is NOT personal, ever. Being upset also gives them the reaction they crave because it implies that they have that much of a hold over our emotions. I am a very open person, and I have been very honest with him about the fact that being ignored is the one thing that upsets me. He uses this to his advantage. For the first time, instead of feeding into his silent treatment and tightening the control grip he has over me, I am going to work on myself and boundaries. When he inevitably returns in a couple of weeks, I am not going to feed into it, I am not going to tell him how upset I was when he was gone. I am just going to act as if everything is normal.

My intense reactions to his behavior fuel him and I am really beginning to understand this. For so long I have searched for ways to change HIM to improve this relationship when I, as the stronger person and non-PD, have to TRULY work on myself.

[tenseintn]

I just had an experience like this as well, and I am trying really hard not to feel guilty about it.  I told him that it was over, which I meant at the time.  Now, I'm not so sure and I'm really beating myself up for losing my temper.  And I'm afraid to contact him again because he threatens crazy things, such as legal action.  He drinks heavily, so he is unstable enough to actually follow through with such threats.

I'm so glad that I found this place.  It gives me the strength to let it go.

[waverider]

I just had an experience like this as well, and I am trying really hard not to feel guilty about it.  I told him that it was over, which I meant at the time.  Now, I'm not so sure and I'm really beating myself up for losing my temper.  And I'm afraid to contact him again because he threatens crazy things, such as legal action.  He drinks heavily, so he is unstable enough to actually follow through with such threats.

I'm so glad that I found this place.  It gives me the strength to let it go.

Reactionary actions often lead to regret in hindsight. Reactionary behavior is a human auto defense mechanism (fight or flight). With work and practice you can learn to reduce it, but we are still human and it is still likely to crop up now and then. A pwBPD lives like this most of the time and even though they might respond with an over the top counter reaction it is also in their nature to "get over it" quicker than you might think.

It is true they will lock the "episode" away in their library of misdeeds to be brought out as ammunition when it suits. That wont be simmering resentment as it would be with us its just grabbing examples to illustrate the point of the moment.

This will always happen, you won't be able to completely avoid it, so just accept it and don't beat yourself up. That leads to the eggshells path

[Chosen]

I have gotton angry too. Really lost it. It feels awful to lose control. If your BPD is like mine, all sorts of antics begin that ramp it up, and the situation becomes exponentially scarier because now I am the "bad" one,  I will get punished for it, he may disappear 3 weeks, he won't help out... sad, sorry, resentful, abandoned again by the person who caused the problem.

I'm, sadly, in a situation that's similar.  When I've lost it, it never ends well.  I will be punished for it... in the past it's a lot of shaming and name calling, but now it's more like lectures and my pwBPD telling me how bad I am.

I kind of want to experience the "when I lost he, he will regulate himself"   But I suppose it makes sense that because he got you on the same emotional level, he can start regulating himself.  Usually when I get upset and cry and stuff, my pwBPD will be calmer too... . like he's finally beaten me and won.  He's white and I'm black.

Argh that sucks.

[bpbreakout]

I've lost my temper with BPDw twice in the last 2 years after a period of extremely antagonistic behaviour by BPDw and basically shouted and ranted and got a lot of things off my chest and caused a lot of upset to BPDw and my children. Both times I felt terrible, I apologised to everyone I hurt and both times I forgave myself as I'm human and I'm not perfect. BPDw regularly rants and raves at me and if I object or draw a boundary it is deemed to be an argument and therefore my fault and a sign of a bad relationship. Less often BPDw will totally loose her temper and it's quite scary. She does not get violent any more and seem to regard this as a huge favour to me  .

From observing BPDw's behaviour with our teenage daughter in the last few weeks I have realised that if BPDw is "disregulating" but sees or senses that someone is vulnerable, tired or on edge she will deliberately go out of that way to push that button to get a reaction & then start projecting onto our daughter, oh look at her she's rude and ungrateful kind of thing.

BPDw also regularly reminds me of the times when I have been less than perfect, especially if feeling defensive.

It's good that you are not proud of yourself as it means you have good values. You should also forgive yourself, like everyone else on this site you are put under a lot more pressure and have a lot more buttons pushed than the average person. 

Good luck