Telling others that I'm leaving... harder than I thought

[Monarch Butterfly]

Well this is the second person that I've told that I can't stay in this relationship anymore. I got he same response as the first: "But why? He's so good to you!".  

I then have to sit there for 90 minutes explaining all the little fine details of how he, in fact, is not. At first she tried to argue back and the conversation just got into an emotional turmoil. After the 90 minutes were up, she just looked at me and said, "You'll get out of this phase. You two make such a perfect couple".

Just because I'm smiling all the time doesn't mean I'm happy all the time!

Then I get the - well all marriages have their ups and downs, and think about the kids (yep - that's number one why I want to move out), and that I'll be financially in a crunch when I leave, and that if I still love him than I should fight for my marriage... . 

UGH! I've fought for 17 years! Where did it get me? More hurt, more pain, more tears!

Doesn't anyone hear me?  Doesn't anyone get it that I have a right to be happy too?  

What am I suppost to say?  If he hit me physically I'm sure everyone would be helping me leave. They'd be the first to pack my bags. But since the abuse is just emotional, psychological and financial nobody seems to get it.

I had to go through what he did to me and the more I went on, the more it hurt. Do I have to regurgitate every single time he raged at me just so somebody understands? Do I have to retell how many times I had to cry in the bathroom in the middle of the night because I was too scared to cry in front of him? That I had to put a smile on every single day of my life because I was to afraid to hint I was unhappy? And the few times I did I regret it to this day. I'd prefer a million times to wear the smile. It's like I have to relive it all again just to get some emotional support, which I ended up not getting - for the second time.

His family thinks I'm leaving just because they think I caught him watching porn. It couldn't be further from the truth, even though porn had a lot to play in our marriage. But that's not the point.  They think I'm nuts and am throwing away the most perfect chance that life has given me to be happy. What do I do - tell his family about what a horrible son they raised and its their mainly their fault he is the way he is? (Yes, I already know the answer to that - just letting out steam here).

I have to figure out a way to tell people that he's the problem, not me. What in the world do I say?

[damage control]

Why do you need to explain your decision to anybody?

I would answer (if asked) that it is just too new and too complicated to go into right now and you would appreciate them understanding your need to not discuss it at the moment.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Monarch,

That is so frustrating.  It hurts when friends and family don't get what we are going through.  I'm sorry that you are feeling unheard.

As DC said, you don't have to explain your decisions to anyone.  If someone asks why, especially someone not close to you, you can simply say, "It's the best thing for me and my children."

Hang in there and keep focusing on your own well being and your children's – let others scratch their heads. 

[Monarch Butterfly]

You guys are right - I really don't have to explain my decisions to anybody... .Hadn't thought about that before. Seems so clear now. Thanks for the comments! 

[babyducks]

Hi Monarch,

When I split up with my EX the situation was so difficult, and I was so emotional I actually practiced lines to use when I needed to discuss the topic.

I called them my White House Press Conference new bits.   Short, devoid of detail, offered no opportunity for questions, they were hit and run type data dumps.

I needed to dial down the level of drama going on around my breakup so I used things like "Ex and I have split up.  I am not in a place to be able to discuss the break up right now, but I know I can count on your support and encouragement."  And then change the topic.

With hindsight  I am glad I chose not to disclose a lot of what was going on.  Kept the split from being more acrimonious than it was.

[fromheeltoheal]

As we know, BPD is triggered by intimacy, and you see a side of him that no one else does.  We're all good actors and put up fronts, but borderlines are experts; they've learned how to keep a lid on their extreme emotions to function in the world.

You are probably looking for validation from other people, which is why you're compelled to explain yourself when they don't understand.  My ex was a master at her brand of belittling and disrespect, and I was questioning myself continually at the end, and looking for external validation from people who didn't understand.  That turned out to be the good news, because it forced me to look deep inside and find my own truth, something that had been buried for a long time.  It was a welcome change, purging myself of her opinions of me and finding myself again, but it's been a long road.

People on this board completely understand, so there's a start; keep posting and keep reading.  And then there's a larger issue of developing relationships with people who may or may not understand, but support you anyway, and treat you with the trust and respect you probably never got from him.  Take care of you!