How to deal with wanting them back?

[MrConfused]

How do you cope with wanting them back in your lives in some respect, even tho you know it's impossible/not good for you?

For me, the way it ended left me feeling terrible. I said some awful things at the end that, that pushed her so far away from me I know that it's highly unlikely she'll ever return. I basically told her exactly what she does to people & that she leaves wreckage everywhere she goes & that she'd left me broken over it. After that, I was pretty much dead to her, in the same realms as her previous abusive ex's. She changed all her contact details and ran off.

My T says I keep trying to say sorry to her because deep down I want her to say sorry & I want her back so I don't feel guilty about what I said, even tho it was justified, which I guess is true.

Not a day goes by without me wishing I'd done things differently or that she'd snap out of it and deal with our issues instead of running away & It's hard realising that won't ever happen.

[Waifed]

I did the same. I think being in the FOG makes you lose your boundaries therefore you say and do things totally out of your character. Don't feel bad. You are human and the stress they cause is very extreme.

Time is a big healer along with therapy. I am about 4months NC and my depression is lifting after almost a full year!  It feels so good:) I didn't think it was ever going to get better but it does. The other thing is to try to think positively and redirect your mind when you are thinking about your ex or are feeling down.

[seeking balance]

How do you cope with wanting them back in your lives in some respect, even tho you know it's impossible/not good for you?

MrConfused,

Forgiveness - of our ex and more importantly, of ourselves.

For me, it helped when I let myself be ok that I missed and loved my ex... .I just did - not all was bad.  When I gave myself permission to miss her, but BALANCED it with the facts of the disorder that meant I was not going to be in any meaningful relationship with my ex ever again - I was able to really grieve and let go.

It takes time and it is not some major event - letting go of the emotional tie - I tend to say the 3 T's are most helpful:  Time, Tears, Therapy

A simple tool many of us have used here is to write out what you want to say to her still - don't send it - post it here and get some feedback on your own emotions, how this plays in the BPD world etc.

Peace,

SB

[Pretty Woman]

Mr.Confused,

   I left this board last week but something pulled me back. Maybe it was this question  

My undiagnosed BPD left me six times in 15mo.  She always came back.  By round 5 I really stopped spending a lot if time with her. My trust was broken and in round five she dumped me the same day my best friend told me she couldn't be friends anymore because I was in a lesbian relationship.  

This was my first gay relationship and within a day I lost my best friend if fifteen years... .and my girlfriend.  

When I went to her house to talk I heard her on the phone yelling "she's f'in stalking me!" imagine the pain and hurt I was feeling.  

She left me for an ex five states away. Had a new girlfriend within days but now I see it had started before she dumped me.  

She came back a month later.  

There was physical and verbal abuse (none at the hands of myself).

This time she left the day before Halloween which is a week before my birthday... .said we should see other people that she loved me very very much and would always be around, that she was extremely attracted to me.  

I knew my replacement the second she broke with me.  

Unfortunately this woman is sick too and both were playing mind games with me.

Point being I finally called her out. Told her one of her exes contacted me which in her head meant I called all her exes (word twisting). I told her sh was not capable of fully loving and this was not my fault, I would never have been able to fix this.  

She changed her number, blocked FB and disconnected her email.  

Dear, they can't handle their faults at all.  Loving them is our sickness.  If anyone rise treated me like this I'd walk away.  Water seeks it's own level, that is why we were attracted.  You need to get out of her head. You couldn't rationalize when you were with her, don't expect to now.  


Read my past posts. I was in a really bad situation. Hopefully they give you some perspective.

[oblivian2013]

Same story here, except I wish I said what you said to her. My wife frequently brought up "dead to me" talk about her exes and I never thought it would be me. My T says it is not about me, it is about her. It sounds like you already know the answer. I am hoping that I will find love again and can forgive myself for my serious error in judgement.

[Bananas]

Yep I have felt the same and still do from time to time.

How to deal with wanting them back?  Ask yourself who is it you are thinking about when you want them back?  When I ask myself this question the person I want back is the person I made up in my own head, the person I want him to be, the person that i think he is under all of that unresolved "stuff" he carries around with him.  The person he can be for brief moments but can't sustain because as soon as things are "good" between us I trigger him and we go down the same road.       

Mr Confused, who do you want back?

[piercepd]

What's helping me, old lad is the knowledge of my condition.

I'm not sure if you're the BPD sufferer, or she is, or both of you but I'll reply from my own PoV as the ill one.

As seen on my profile, I've not been with "the one" for 2 years, I would move heaven & earth to get her back but time has shown me that the only thing I need to do is get myself a bit better/get myself to the point where she can trust that I'm not going to trash the flat/carve myself up/etc should she say something I don't like.

ATM, I have the situation wherein not only are we not together, she's actually seeing someone else, albeit casually.

I'm dealing with it by keeping a journal of logical thoughts & reasonings. Every time I feel something, I write it down & question it from a purely logical standpoint.

For example, her sleeping with this guy, *in the bigger picture/overall* doesn't actually matter, it changes nothing. However, my kicking off about it just drives her further away.

So that's my focus, the big picture. Every time I don't like something or the heat & panic threaten me, I ask what it changes in the big picture. The answer is usually "nothing." I've started referring to my getting more well/getting her back as a war. To win ultimate victory, you have to sometimes lose a battle or two or do something distasteful/choose between two horrible options. So whilst I hate giving her space & distance & I hate her seeing someone else, it's losing a battle in the interests of winning the war.

In addition to this, naming your symptoms has been a HUGE help. If I react a certain way to something/feel a certain way about it, I write down what it is I'm feeling physically & mentally & I check it against a list of symptoms. In this way, I can see for myself "oh, I'm just reacting like this because it's that facet of BPD" or "right, this is a CBT thinking errror." which for me relegates the symptom pretty quickly, it's like once I name it, it has no power over me, or less power anyway (that's in a book or film somewhere but I can't for the life of me think which one!)

Hope that helps, squire. Or helps someone reading it. Apologies if it's a bit all over the place, blame the ADHD!

Cheers,

[MrConfused]

Oui Earth Angel. You did pretty much what I did. There's only so much push/pulling you can take before you burst. One week I was her best friend, the next I was ignored for days. This would go on repeatedly. I took her out once for a "Make or break" drink & for a while it felt like we'd cleared everything. Nope, back to her old self a day later & she'd also lied to me massively about something.

It was horrible & in the end I felt I had no choice but to hold up a mirror to the way she'd treat me. In her head, it gave her the validation she was looking for to run a mile.

A simple tool many of us have used here is to write out what you want to say to her still - don't send it

I sorta have... I wrote an email xmas eve that gave her updates on our mutual friends (that she's also cut off) & asked her one day to give it another chance. I apologised for the things I said. I doubt that it'll ever reach her tho, as I'm fairly sure she also changed her email.

Same story here, except I wish I said what you said to her. My wife frequently brought up "dead to me" talk about her exes and I never thought it would be me.

I'm not sure saying what I said makes me feel any better tho... .  But if I hadn't... .I'm pretty sure I'd be here regretting not saying it! (or she would have ran off anyway)

Mine was "on good terms" with all her ex's, but the longer I was with her, the more I realised that couldn't be true.

"Abusive" men, drug dealers... then a few girls (One of which that dumped *her* and she can't get over)

She had another guy like me that fell in love with her so she ran off to Asia (alone) for 3 months and did to him what she's done to me now. After years she spoke to him again, when she needed help with something.

I should have seen the warning signs. But like most of us on here, I thought I could be the one that finally gave her stability, especially as we were friends for a long time. I keep thinking I should have given her more time or been more respectful of her past, but it would have just delayed the end & caused me further hurt.

Mr Confused, who do you want back?

I... .don't know. I want the person I fell in love with back. I'm slowly realising tho that the good times we had at the start were just that... at the start. The rest of the relationship was a constant push/pull on her part & the good times I had with her were not worth the bad times I had. Problem is... the good times were amazing. The day she first asked me out was the best day of my life, I was floating on air. The dream was getting that feeling back, but that's all it is... a dream.

[nevertheless]

  Your right I know I have thought of all the good stuff and think maybe he will change. Then try to remember the crazy stuff. I think the wanting back is me missing the worship phase of the BPD. It did my ego good, in the end durning his worship ing me I would think fake fake cuz we all know the meltdown will come and now I'm the bad person,sad sad mental problem. I can be glad I don't have it or my kids grandkids! Hang in there when you feel weak come here and read. It's my strenght

[myself]

There is no going back.

While detaching, we're still connected to the past. Feeling like we are who we were, instead of who we are now. It's difficult to face a change we were not looking for.  

I miss much of what has come before, but by being too focused on it I could have missed out on so much of what is going to be. Accepting that, today, helps ground me.

[MrConfused]

True... I thought it'd be easier now tho. It's been almost 2 months since our big argument, a month since she vanished after I got fed up.

[babyducks]

Mr.Confused,

If you have written the letter to your Ex,  then I would suggest you write one more letter.

This one to yourself.

List the conditions under which you would accept her back.

List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one.

List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner.

Then put it up on the fridge.

[Perfidy]

Mr.Confused,

If you have written the letter to your Ex,  then I would suggest you write one more letter.

This one to yourself.

List the conditions under which you would accept her back.

List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one.

List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner.

Then put it up on the fridge.

I did this. Almost pi$$ed my pants laughing.

[MrConfused]

Mr.Confused,

If you have written the letter to your Ex,  then I would suggest you write one more letter.

This one to yourself.

List the conditions under which you would accept her back.

List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one.

List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner.

Then put it up on the fridge.

The thing is... .at this moment in time I'd accept her back regardless. I know full well that I did what I did as she'd used me like a doormat for months & I was sick of her pushing me away only to pull me back in. I got so used to it that the absence of it hurts almost as much. I don't like calling it abuse but it was & her "victory" was making me feel like the abuser, when all I did was tell it how it was. I'm struggling to cope with the guilt of that. I don't know when I'll forgive myself & stop thinking about things I could have done differently.

But you're right, I should write a letter to myself saying what I need from a committed partner. This has been the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had in my life & I don't know why I put up with it for so long (& why I'd put up with it again if I could) I put up with things I wouldn't put up with from friends, so why was I willing to accept them from someone I loved?

[sadinnc98]

Mr.Confused,

If you have written the letter to your Ex,  then I would suggest you write one more letter.

This one to yourself.

List the conditions under which you would accept her back.

List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one.

List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner.

Then put it up on the fridge.

The thing is... .at this moment in time I'd accept her back regardless. I know full well that I did what I did as she'd used me like a doormat for months & I was sick of her pushing me away only to pull me back in. I got so used to it that the absence of it hurts almost as much. I don't like calling it abuse but it was & her "victory" was making me feel like the abuser, when all I did was tell it how it was. I'm struggling to cope with the guilt of that. I don't know when I'll forgive myself & stop thinking about things I could have done differently.

But you're right, I should write a letter to myself saying what I need from a committed partner. This has been the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had in my life & I don't know why I put up with it for so long (& why I'd put up with it again if I could) I put up with things I wouldn't put up with from friends, so why was I willing to accept them from someone I loved?

^^^I totally relate to this 100%... .I am hoping he reaches out... hoping we make plans for NYE... .its really a sick cycle... because I know if he does or if we go, the same cycle of BS/ignoring, etc... is going to happen and its just going to hurt worse... .and honestly, I DO know this is done, I need to walk away, etc... but the pain is so bad that i know a date with him will numb it-sad cycle.  I know there are people out there that won't treat me this way. I am struggling really hard today too... I have been resisting all urges to text him and its NOT easy.

[SurvivedLove]

What's helping me, old lad is the knowledge of my condition.

I'm not sure if you're the BPD sufferer, or she is, or both of you but I'll reply from my own PoV as the ill one.

As seen on my profile, I've not been with "the one" for 2 years, I would move heaven & earth to get her back but time has shown me that the only thing I need to do is get myself a bit better/get myself to the point where she can trust that I'm not going to trash the flat/carve myself up/etc should she say something I don't like.

ATM, I have the situation wherein not only are we not together, she's actually seeing someone else, albeit casually.

I'm dealing with it by keeping a journal of logical thoughts & reasonings. Every time I feel something, I write it down & question it from a purely logical standpoint.

For example, her sleeping with this guy, *in the bigger picture/overall* doesn't actually matter, it changes nothing. However, my kicking off about it just drives her further away.

So that's my focus, the big picture. Every time I don't like something or the heat & panic threaten me, I ask what it changes in the big picture. The answer is usually "nothing." I've started referring to my getting more well/getting her back as a war. To win ultimate victory, you have to sometimes lose a battle or two or do something distasteful/choose between two horrible options. So whilst I hate giving her space & distance & I hate her seeing someone else, it's losing a battle in the interests of winning the war.

In addition to this, naming your symptoms has been a HUGE help. If I react a certain way to something/feel a certain way about it, I write down what it is I'm feeling physically & mentally & I check it against a list of symptoms. In this way, I can see for myself "oh, I'm just reacting like this because it's that facet of BPD" or "right, this is a CBT thinking errror." which for me relegates the symptom pretty quickly, it's like once I name it, it has no power over me, or less power anyway (that's in a book or film somewhere but I can't for the life of me think which one!)

Hope that helps, squire. Or helps someone reading it. Apologies if it's a bit all over the place, blame the ADHD!

Cheers,

I am sorry, but I have to say this... .

You are aware that this is a support forum for people who has left or been left by people with BPD, right?

If you suffer from BPD, which your words "I'll reply from my own PoV as the ill one", I am gonna have to ask you, both on my own behalf and likely on behalf of many other users on here to please go to a support forum for people WITH BPD.

This is nothing against you personally, I do not know you or your story.

But I, as someone who's been exposed to the harsh end of your illness from my ex, do not feel safe discussing my experiences, seeking support or venting on this board (which SHOULD be a safe enviroment for me to do it in), when someone with the very illness that has caused my ex to destroy so much in me, to nearly cost me my life suddenly 'invades' this safe haven.

To the moderators: I am sure I'm not the only one feeling this way. I hope one of you will be able to refer this user to the forums appropriate for him/her.

[MrConfused]

^^^I totally relate to this 100%... .I am hoping he reaches out... hoping we make plans for NYE... .its really a sick cycle... because I know if he does or if we go, the same cycle of BS/ignoring, etc... is going to happen and its just going to hurt worse... .and honestly, I DO know this is done, I need to walk away, etc... but the pain is so bad that i know a date with him will numb it-sad cycle.  I know there are people out there that won't treat me this way. I am struggling really hard today too... I have been resisting all urges to text him and its NOT easy.

Aye... It defy's logic that we feel this way. Seeing them again would help us temporarily, maybe even give us false hope again but it's just putting off the real pain we both know we have to suffer. Yet still... if that option was on the table, I'd take it & I don't know why.

[Perfidy]

Aye... It defy's logic that we feel this way. Seeing them again would help us temporarily, maybe even give us false hope again but it's just putting off the real pain we both know we have to suffer. Yet still... if that option was on the table, I'd take it & I don't know why. [/quote]
This kind of thinking nearly killed me. Trust me. You don't want this. You will be dragged all of the way to hell.

[MrConfused]

I know I know... .At least I know that in my case, She's cut me off so sharp there's no way this is going to happen. It's just coming to terms with that that I struggle with. Like I said, the absence of the push/pull after so long is almost as painful as having it & I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over it.

[sadinnc98]

^^^I totally relate to this 100%... .I am hoping he reaches out... hoping we make plans for NYE... .its really a sick cycle... because I know if he does or if we go, the same cycle of BS/ignoring, etc... is going to happen and its just going to hurt worse... .and honestly, I DO know this is done, I need to walk away, etc... but the pain is so bad that i know a date with him will numb it-sad cycle.  I know there are people out there that won't treat me this way. I am struggling really hard today too... I have been resisting all urges to text him and its NOT easy.

N

Aye... It defy's logic that we feel this way. Seeing them again would help us temporarily, maybe even give us false hope again but it's just putting off the real pain we both know we have to suffer. Yet still... if that option was on the table, I'd take it & I don't know why.

Me too... .If he asked right now to go out NYE I'd go even though it's soo wrong. Why I'd put myself thru this I don't know other than to numb the pain. I miss our good times so bad

[Perfidy]

I totally understand. I don't get it either. It defies logic, reason, probably gravity too. Nobody gets out in one piece. I know there is a part of me that I feel is irreparable. It only seems to get worse when I feel better. How's that for a paradox.

[MrConfused]

I know there is a part of me that I feel is irreparable.

Yup, likewise. The annoying thing is that my ex felt the same way with regards to her ex that dumped *her* years ago, it just added to her inability to let people in close.

It's scary as you start wondering if *you* are the ill one. I recognise a lot of her in me at the moment & that scares me, as I was never like it before meeting her.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I too was the doormat, I too finally reached my limit after a silent treatment that lasted from a week before my birthday through Thanksgiving.  I said I was done with the ST abuse, and yet? 

I'd fold like a cheap shirt if she were to reach out.   WOW

[love4meNOTu]

I never want that man anywhere near me or my family.

Any good times we had were eradicated when he looked at me with hate in his eyes. And the spittle that went flying out of his mouth as he screamed "I can't stand you" at me, his wife, the woman he was supposed to love more than life itself.

Yea right. My x loves himself... .and himself only. It was ME ME ME ME ME, incessantly.

It's a hard lesson to learn that some people are evil, but I've learned it. There are good people out there too, like us on this board.  That's who and what I have hope for... .US.

Blessings,

L

[Pretty Woman]

Mr. Confused,

You will never have what you had in the beginning back. The sooner you realize this the better.

You will keep trying and trying and you will fail. And the breakups will get worse and worse til she ceases all communication, runs off with your replacement and leaves you with your broken heart bleeding in your hands.

The best thing is if she never contacts you again.  I know that is hard but you need to heal and get past this.

If someone truly loves you they don't treat you like this.

Years from now you will see you were infatuated. You could never be with someone who treats you so poorly. You deserve better!

[Perfidy]

It's scary as you start wondering if *you* are the ill one. I recognise a lot of her in me at the moment & that scares me, as I was never like it before meeting her.

[/quote

We are ill. The relationship failed because we were both sick on the same day too many times.

[RecycledNoMore]

I think about the fact that he never really loved me or even knew me, I always used to just chalk it up to forgetfullness or the fact he smoked assloads of weed, but he never really knew me, my hopes, my dreams for the future, we were together 8 years, I dont think he even knew my daughters middle name...

[damage control]

recycled

Mine knew things about me that nobody else ever did or probably will ... on the other hand ... the everyday stuff ... things that even casual friends know ... he didn't, or he forgot or, he didn't care ... I have no idea which it is.

When I first began reading his ex's (the one he left 'for me' blog, I came across a post that was a couple of years old where she wrote that she wished more than anything that he would read her blog so he might realise her pain and confusion - but then she said something which has haunted me ever since: she said that he wasn't interested enough in her to read it ... and she was right.

His interest in me was insatiable for a year - but only in the areas that interested him ... it wasn't unconditional, it wasn't really about me but about him fetishising me and my desires - so he could use these as material to write his (our) fantasy.

I have never had anybody who seemed to adore me so much be so indifferent at the same time.

[arn131arn]

I know I know... .At least I know that in my case, She's cut me off so sharp there's no way this is going to happen. It's just coming to terms with that that I struggle with. Like I said, the absence of the push/pull after so long is almost as painful as having it & I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over it.

Feeling this, as well, but couldn't put it in words if I tried... .Thanks

[charred]

Excellent question... head says one thing, heart (feelings/emotions) another.

The two don't agree as the r/s was not reality based, it was need based, on both sides. Being idealized seems a lot like unconditional love, and if we are needy for unconditional love... didn't get it from our FOO when we most needed it, we can jump on a partner that offers it and elevate them to a primary r/s status real quick. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... can take years for deep love/commitment to gel, but in an r/s with a pwBPD, it can happen fast and furious and be very deep. We accept the partner like a loving ideal parent of a small child... .but they are not. The idealizing from them is not the only idealizing that goes on... we idealize them and put them on a pedestal. When they do things irrational, hurtful, unloving... .we don't relate to them like an equal partner that is betraying us, and being irrational... .we relate like a kid to a parent. If they are abusive... we take it and believe their claims that it was our fault, that we are bad and we jump through hoops to try to make it work. A combination of our needs, idealizing them, and our ego, make it very hard to accept the reality of the situation. The hurt and neediness they seemed to fill goes way back... .even before we had words, and when we accept them as the unconditional loving parent we needed... .the world seems right and wonderful, our core wounds are fixed, and we feel wonderful. Problem is that they are not unconditionally loving, they are needy and disordered and ignored boundaries that kept most people at a safe distance from us. When their disorder kicks in they get clingy, then hateful and may just abruptly dump us.

Losing that magic feeling that the world is right is tough, losing a lover and GF/BF is tough, but add in the ego hit that it takes to go from seeing yourself in a r/s with your dream girl/guy... with a dreamy wonderful future... .to the harsh reality that you are needy, fell for a disordered person that is stunted emotionally at the level of an infant... who you accepted as a parent then had sex with... .and you find yourself preferring to idealize them rather than accepting the reality your head tells you is the truth.

The loss of the pwBPD can be very painful... far more like losing a parent, with the intense hurting and even deep depression that can go with it than a normal breakup.

So that is why you long for them and want them back, though you know they are toxic to you. Accepting reality is the path to getting over them, and there are things that help. I kept all the hateful emails/texts/voicemails from my exBPDgf... and saw a T and learned to use mindfulness to stay present and quit ruminating so much about her. When those didn't work, would reread the emails/texts and force myself to recall how hateful, mean and irrational my exBPDgf was... and at first it was very tough, but after a while my head and heart got on the same page.

I still miss the illusion that life with her could have been great... .but the reality was that it was nightmarish. I forgave her long ago... and am finally forgiving myself and doing something about it... .working on my own neediness and desire to have healthy intimacy in my life. Have become much better at seeing   and avoiding r/s where my electric reaction tells me that its not sudden true love, but neediness.

The other way I dealt with wanting them back ... .long ago, was going back... and getting another heaping helping of abuse. Force yourself to accept reality and hold them to it if you go back... check crazy claims, require proof... ask how they know you are wonderful... and why they trashed you... reality breaks the spell pretty quickly... started seeing my pwBPD as a manipulator/liar rather than ideal in any way... and the end came soon after.

Many share your pain.