The only thing that has worked for me is no contact

[karma_gal]

Another fellow scapegoat here.  It is such a crappy situation to be in, that's for sure!   :)isordered mother, passive, do-anything-to-keep-the-peace father, and the golden child brother, with me rounding out the dysfunction as the scapegoat.  At 37 I am just now coming to terms with how living my life like this has affected me.  I'm not still trying to blame my parents, just saying I didn't recognize it for what it was soon enough and played the role I had been cast in for so long, perpetuating the abuse at the hands of my family.  I hadn't learned the "why" or how to deal with it until recently.  As someone else said, the best thing I've been able to do is keep reminding myself that this is part of my family/mom's dysfunction and has absolutely nothing to do with me.  It doesn't always make me feel better in the thick of it, but it does help keep me grounded so that I can deal with it and walk away without lashing out back at her or completely breaking down.    

The only thing that has worked for me is the same thing we recommend on the leaving board, no contact.  It took a lot of thought, prayer, and deliberation, seeking of advice from others before I did it because it is so drastic, but it had to be done.  Because of her disorder and the way she needs things set up in order for her to function, I was forever going to be the scapegoat and nothing I did was ever going to help me break out of that role.  She wouldn't let it because it would upset her entire world.  

I have been fighting with my family about boundaries my whole life, and so any attempts at going low contact just didn't work.  They always found a way around it, typically using crises or funerals as a re-engagement tactic and expecting things to go back the way they were.  She would triangulate with others in the family, creating crises and having them reach out to get me to call and check on her.  Her bag of tricks was quite impressive, and I can't believe I fell for it for so long.  I guess no matter how bad it is/was, we never like to think our parents capable of the things parents like this do, huh?  

It's funny, I remember my childhood as being a miserable one, but have very few actual memories and the ones I do have are scary.  One of my vivid though was taking a beating like no other at the hands of my dad because I had "upset my mother again."  By that point I was probably 11.  It was the last straw for me, and I called the police on him and had him locked up.  I remember my mom begging and pleading, going so far as to try to bribe me with money and gifts, into dropping the charges.  I refused, because what he had done to me for years was so wrong and I knew then if I backed down it would be more of the same.  That was the last day my dad laid his hands on me and beat me like that, but it was also the day I was painted completely black and haven't been able to redeem myself since.  Back in those days, things like that were published in the paper, with names -- they may still be; I don't know -- and I brought embarrassment to the perfect family she had tried to portray to the outside world for years.  Now, everyone knew their dirty laundry because the police report not only said he was arrested due to child abuse but that both of them were highly intoxicated at the time of arrest.

I remember my mom blamed me for everything that was wrong in her life, even going so far as to throw me out of the house when I was 16 because she was convinced that I was the reason her marriage sucked.  It couldn't be because she was disordered, and they both were alcoholics, and it was just a toxic mix, huh?  Nope, must have been my fault.  Ironically, I've been out of her house for over 20 years now and guess what?  Her marriage, and her life, still suck.  Of course, she insists that that's because I ruined it years ago and it has just never recovered.  See, you can't win.  

When I decided to go no contact and quit playing the game, it really helped me to make a list of all the ways my family had abused me over the years to get clear in my mind why I needed to do this.  I know they see it as punitive, but really it was about protecting myself from their abuse.  As you said, it's commonplace for my brother to gang up on me with my mom, while my dad sits idly by, and constantly be subjected to verbal tirades, even acts that, had they been caught, were incredibly illegal.  

What I have found to be true in my own situation is, the scapegoat doesn't just quit playing the game and therein lies a happy family.  It enraged my mother when I started implementing boundaries when we were low contact, when I called her out on her behavior.  It made things ten times worse when I tried to stop playing the game while maintaining contact, because she just got uglier and more abusive.  Now that I've gone no contact, that hasn't stopped it either.  She is currently in the middle of a distortion campaign like no other, and some of the things she has said about me to other people -- all untrue -- demonstrate how sick she is, to even come up with some of the crap she does.  

One that happened last week was I ran into a distant family member I hadn't seen in probably 15 years.  They said, "Wow, you look really good, all things considered."  I was like, "Um, what is that supposed to mean?"  They said, "We just talked to your mother and she told us that you just lost it, became hooked on narcotics and had gone off the deep end and were really in need of treatment."  Really?  The truth behind that story is I have a rare disorder that is horribly painful for which I am on narcotics through a very reputable pain clinic.  I take one-sixth of the normal dose of narcotics for an adult because I recognize the pitfalls of narcotic addiction, but the majority of my treatment is non-narcotic therapy and homeopathic treatment.  My entire treatment team -- of five doctors -- and the therapist I see off and on, as well as everyone in my community is constantly amazed at my recovery, how well I continue to function in daily life, and commend me constantly on how well I'm doing and how emotionally strong and healthy I've remained throughout this whole ordeal.  I remind myself it's their opinion that counts, not hers.  

Apparently she told this same family member she was worried about my younger son "having a mother with those kind of issues" and whether I was fit to care for him "in my current state."  Now wonder if she's trying to take my other son from me.  She has been a force to be reckoned with since my oldest son was born, after I refused to sign over custody to her because she said she would be a better parent than I ever would.  She spent years with my older son, buying him what I could not/would not, babying him, telling him my house rules were ridiculous and not to listen to me, kidnapping him at one point and refusing to bring him home until the police showed up because she was "protecting him from me."  The ways in which she got between my older son and I were unreal.  It was very much like what we hear about with parental alienation, except in my case it happened with my mother and my son.  My son recently turned 18 and with nothing more than a middle finger and some harsh words, took off to go live with her.  All I've heard since is, "Nana has always loved me more than you.  She gets me whatever I want.  She has told me all the stories about how awful you are, and now I believe her."  Of course, she has bought him a brand-new car, had my brother hand him a job, and let his underage girlfriend move in, and let him drop out of school -- anything she can to make sure he stays there and doesn't want to come back home, because those things, especially dropping out of school, simply were not options here.  Ironically, one of my son's old friends stopped by over Christmas and said that my son is miserable there, that he really doesn't even like her, he just wants all the stuff that she buys him and money she gives him, and that he misses me and sees now that I wasn't all those things she had been telling him.  

The abuse I've suffered at the hands of my family is sickening, and for years I played into that sickness, dutifully playing the role I had been cast in.  Once I started seeking therapy, though, the one thing she said that stuck with me was that the scapegoat is usually the healthiest of the bunch.  I can't tell you how much better, how much calmer, and how much more peaceful and productive my life is since I went no contact.  I still have a mess in my marriage, but eliminating the FOO issues has allowed me some breathing room because I'm only getting it from one side now and I can actually see how bad the abuse was.  

There is a website that I can't remember the name of but it's something like when the scapegoat quits.  I found a lot of advice and validation there.  I can't recommend therapy enough, because living like this is a mind f*** like no other.  Because it's family creating it, it's 100 times worse than if it were a spouse or significant other.  Having a support system that gets it is so important, because your family never will.  Continue to remind yourself that even though they try to make it all about you, it's really their issue and no reflection whatsoever of you as a person or of your worth.  There will be nights that you just want to cry.  :)o it.  Feel how bad it hurts.  :)on't carry that around with you forever or let it define you.  Read books about toxic families/mothers, the BPD mother.  Educate yourself on the disorder, it's manifestation, because it helps keep things in perspective when you're in the middle of things with them.  You will be able to see their tactics coming a mile away and be prepared to deal with it.  Most importantly, love yourself.  

Sorry that got so long.  Obviously this is something I could talk about for days and days and days!  

[SeekingHealing]

I love this post.  Not because of all the horrible things that happened to you, but because you finally said NO and you are encouraging others to get healthier.  Stay strong!

[Botswana Agate]

You rock, Karma.  Glad you're here!   

[Daliah]

What a great post! I wholeheartedly agree with you about going no-contact being the only thing that can work in some circumstances. I did the same thing with my parents ten years ago and I would never have managed to get a semi-clear head without it. Working against the negative impact they had on me is an ongoing process.

My mother is undiagnosed BPD/NPD, not sure about my father. My sister is their golden child, and it transpired that together, they had badmouthed me to every relative and family friend not long after I broke off contact. Personally, I haven't heard of a case where this didn't happen.

How they retaliate, if they do (and from what I've seen, they do), seems to vary. Some sabotage hugely important personal relationships, like yours with your son, some try to sabotage employment, some try to get you in legal or financial trouble, when I look at the experience of people who have cut out parents, and at my own. And attempts to try and break your decision of no-contact with messages about illness and imminent death unfortunately seems to be a given. Even a couple of months ago my mother still tried to get to me by prophesying my father's and her own imminent death via email.

My mother has always been dying of one thing or another. She rarely went to see a doctor and she never received a life-threatening diagnosis, to the best of my knowledge. My father has had cancer for 15 years now, and even if he is/were dying, it doesn't/wouldn't make a difference with regard to my decision to remain no-contact with them.

There are lots of residual effects I still have to work through and thought structures I have to revise, even after so much time without them. But I wouldn't ever want to switch places with my golden child sister. She is so enmeshed with our mother, she doesn't have a personal identity. She's a younger copy of our mother with very little chance of finding out who she really is, as her own person. But - knowing that doesn't make my life any easier, like knowing that you're probably the healthiest of the bunch doesn't alleviate any of your stress.

Still, sometimes it's nice to know that at least you're the one who managed to get out.  

[Deb13]

Karma -

Love your posting.  Truly sounds so similar to my own.  So Proud of you for making the NC decision, sticking to it and seeing results. I am considering moving away once my children get a little older.   I am amazed at what your mother did with your son.  What BS!  My Mother is now attempting to "shower" my son with small gifts and I wont let her!  Cards that come for him I open, throw away and then TELL him exactly what's going on. (I dont return them due to backlash). I'm fortunate in that he understands the crazy dynamics and doesn't care.  I dont know what I would do if he started to side with my mother.  Prayers for peace for you.

[karma_gal]

Wow, you guys are so awesome!  I had responded to a different thread and Skip moved this here, so it didn't have a lot of context.  Once I put it out there, I immediately thought, "You better delete that.  It's too personal."  But I guess I had to get it out, and it is so important to me that other people know that while no contact isn't the ideal option, sometimes it's the only option we have of saving ourselves.  Still in this day and age, it seems like there is so much stigma against speaking out about familial abuse, nobody wants to believe you, and you feel all alone dealing with the collateral damage of a childhood from hell, while our parent(s), the abuser(s) continue to wreak havoc and point the finger at us all these years later.

Daliah, your post really spoke to me, especially the part about NC being the only way you've managed to get a semi-clear head and that working against the negative impact being an ongoing process.  Some days I feel like I've done enough therapy work that I should be over it; other times I feel like I could be in therapy the rest of my life and never be able to make sense of it and it will still affect me.  My best friend grew up in a household that mirrored mine almost identically, and she and I always say at the very least we learned from our parents how NOT to be as adults ourselves.  So I could go on for months about all the horrible things that were done to me as a child and even into adulthood, but I have at least gotten to a point where I can be thankful they were so screwed up because I think without the experience I wouldn't be the person I am now.  Sure, there are days I feel horrible and worthless, like if my parents couldn't love me, who will.  Most of the time, though, I know that I'm a good person and live my life authentically, and feel nothing but pity for them because they will never know what that's like.

My brother could be your sister, fully enmeshed with my mother.  At 35, my mom still buys his clothes, still writes out his checks for his bills, and her opinions are his opinions.  He's an executive running a company, but he will never have the opportunity to run his own life as long as she's alive.  I'm afraid when she passes, he won't know how to function.  He is there every day like clockwork after work, having dinner, there every day on the weekends.  He has a family of his own, but he spends more time with my mom than he does his own kids.  It's sickening to see the relationship between those two.  So I wouldn't want to be the golden child, either.  The price is too high and I wouldn't be wiling to pay it just to stay in her "good graces." 

You are so right about the retaliation, and while I would never say all do it, so many of them do.  And that's the most important point I hit on when I come into contact with others who have mothers/fathers like ours.  Just because you aren't there doesn't mean they stop; in most cases they get worse, and they really know no limits.  I've written about what my mom did with my son; others have had their parents report them to Children's Services or worse.  I will never understand what possesses these people to act as heinously as they do.  The best any of us can do when people like this are in our lives is protect ourselves.  I guess it just ticks me off that so many of us have to protect ourselves from our own families. 

Deb:

I am so proud of you for doing what I should have done so many years ago.  I don't usually condone parents cutting off relationships with grandparents, but now I know that sometimes it's the only reasonable option that exists.  I think as long as your son understands that you aren't trying to be punitive, but rather protective, and that he doesn't get angry that you hold back gifts or cards, then you're in good shape.  I hope your son realizes how lucky he is that you are doing the right thing, even if he can't understand it yet.  I wish I had done so many things different when it came to my own son, starting with going no contact way back then.  I didn't, and I'm ashamed to say that it was partly because my parents were "helping me" at that point:  My mom was watching my son while I went to college and work.  They bought a huge new house just so my son and I could move back home and have our own space.  They ended up giving me the down payment for my first home.  At the time I thought they were giving me a hand up because I was so young when I had my son; now I see it that I sold out my relationship with my own son for material things.  I'll never be able to fix that.  I was just pm'ing with someone about the situation with my son, and it's a double-edged sword.  The best way I've been able to explain it so far is that while it hurts -- God does it hurt sometimes -- in a way, it has for a long time felt like my son was simply on loan to me anyway because she was always butting in.  We never had the kind of relationship a parent hopes to have with a child, because every time I tried to make rules, she would encourage him to break them.  When I refused to buy every latest gadget, she would show up with them.  When he purposely blew the motor in his car because he simply was tired of driving it, I was going to let him walk to learn a lesson.  She buys him another car.  I was in a battle I was never going to win.  The fallout of all of this for 18 years, of course, was that my son was horribly disrespectful -- because she told him he shouldn't have to follow my rules -- was horribly abusive -- he went to jail for hitting me with a kitchen chair -- and just overtly verbally and physically abusive towards myself and everyone in my house.  It sounds horrible for a mother to say, but my life has calmed considerably since he's been gone.  I don't know if I've lost him forever, but right now I'm not pushing things.  I love him enough to let him learn on his own that she isn't what she seems without interfering, and I love myself enough to take advantage of the space and distance to regroup.  He's my son and I love him... .but he will never be welcome here again unless he grows up a lot and has learned to treat people with, at a minimum, common courtesy and respect.  I am done with being abused by family, regardless of who they are. 

Right now, your son doesn't care, but there may come a day when he will, and I would hate for him to then turn around and say that you are the reason he didn't have a relationship with his grandmother.  So keep protecting him, but always be cognizant of that.  If you can move, I would wholeheartedly encourage you to.  If she is already ramping up the gifts, chances are she will get worse.  It sounds like she is playing the same game my mom did all those years ago... .a game I didn't have the rules to or the playing pieces to join in.  If your kids are young enough right now, maybe it's okay to keep doing things this way for now.  As they get older, it gets more difficult.  My son, like all kids, wanted to fit in and wanted the latest, great, most expensive everything.  She would always swoop in and hand it to him, and she bought his allegiance one gift at a time.  I wish I had been older, wiser, smarter all those years ago to stop it early like you are now. 

[Marcia]

Thanks everyone! I read every word of these posts, and they have helped remind me of how really awful these BPD parents can be, in terms of going to any lengths to "punish" the offending members of their families.

My BPD mother tortured my Dad until the day he died--probably 13 years prematurely. She has tormented her own parents my sister and particularly me and my family for decades, and with no remorse--just continuous anger, outrage, blaming, creating insane situations, etc.

She bad mouths me, my DH and kids to whatever audience she can get her hands on. But, NC has been great these last 2 and 1/2 years, because I have learned not to care. People know me, and they can think what they will. I dropped two of my cousins from social media because she was in their ear, but that wasn't so bad, actually.

So, now I have my answer to a question that has been bothering me.  My son is getting married this summer. She has been unpleasant with him although always ends the $25 for his birthday. I am NC... .he is close to that status. He is quite kind hearted, and I have been wondering, what if he wants to invite her to his wedding? She would happily ruin the occasion with some drama. I now feel empowered to suggest to him that he not send her an invite. She is elderly and would probably not be able to make the trip--but frankly, why offer the opportunity to incite misery to someone like that?

[Botswana Agate]

Hey, Marcia~~How wonderful you have such a kind, caring son.  Says a lot about how he was raised.    

If your BPDm was unpleasant to him, regardless of the money she gave him, I'd bet anything he saw through that (saw through the money and thought, "this money's not worth her meanness".  You might talk to him and tell him that he shouldn't feel obligated in the least to send her an invite.  A wedding present from her is not payment for her ruining his big day with psychosis.  And tell him Congratulations!