How can one stay committed to a BPD person (who defies change, etc)?

[ogopogodude]

When a relationship is very, very abusive in nature, it is confusing to me and gives me bewilderment when the non-BPD person still stays in that relationship, especially when the BPD shows no  effort to WANT to change, but still wants to create havoc around them.  Can anyone explain this. (I know that finances is one reason, divorce is expensive, etc ... but what is even more expensive is the taxation it takes on the non-BPD's mind and body)

[nitric9]

Hmm, well for me (a 26 year old about to have the baby of the undiagnosed BPD father) It has been a combination of things. For one, I've felt really bad for him and that's part of what probably attracted me to him in the first place, wanting to be the "rescuer" which as we all know never works. That combined with the intense positive and expressive emotions in the beginning and even at times between the issues make it hard to "fall out of love with them" IMO. I feel sad for him because I see a sad hurt child. But I can't fix that hurt and as the violence has escalated I finally realized I had to leave against my own will. I still love him but I can't be with him or put our baby in that situation. He has spent days cycling between threats and begging me back. And the begging and telling you that you're the person they love most in the world or ever really tugs at your heartstrings. Even if the next second they're calling you names. Because at least for me, I realize that the name calling is just a dysfunctional defense mechanism. So the truth is he's hurt and he does love me but doesn't know how to love. It's hard to stay out of the situation if you love them back.

[Turkish]

Hmm, well for me (a 26 year old about to have the baby of the undiagnosed BPD father) It has been a combination of things. For one, I've felt really bad for him and that's part of what probably attracted me to him in the first place, wanting to be the "rescuer" which as we all know never works. That combined with the intense positive and expressive emotions in the beginning and even at times between the issues make it hard to "fall out of love with them" IMO. I feel sad for him because I see a sad hurt child. But I can't fix that hurt and as the violence has escalated I finally realized I had to leave against my own will. I still love him but I can't be with him or put our baby in that situation. He has spent days cycling between threats and begging me back. And the begging and telling you that you're the person they love most in the world or ever really tugs at your heartstrings. Even if the next second they're calling you names. Because at least for me, I realize that the name calling is just a dysfunctional defense mechanism. So the truth is he's hurt and he does love me but doesn't know how to love. It's hard to stay out of the situation if you love them back.

I commend you for having the courage to do what's best for you and your baby, nitric9. That takes a tremendous amount of courage many, tragically, don't find within themselves.

To answer the original question (you kind of touched upon the codependency issues):

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

[Perfidy]

When a relationship is very, very abusive in nature, it is confusing to me and gives me bewilderment when the non-BPD person still stays in that relationship, especially when the BPD shows no  effort to WANT to change, but still wants to create havoc around them.  Can anyone explain this. (I know that finances is one reason, divorce is expensive, etc ... but what is even more expensive is the taxation it takes on the non-BPD's mind and body)

You either gotta be very,very sick or very,very patient. I'm going with sick. Hell... Even if they WANT to change what good does that do? There is no cure for BPD and treatment only lessens the severity if it is consistent. So who here wants to be abused only part of the time? So hard to find quality abuse!

[Clearmind]

I wasn't committed for the right reasons. I was committed because it provided me with value to rescue a lost soul. My childhood upbringing dictated it and I mirrored my relationship skills from my parents.

It wasn't commitment for love - I was committed to control and the need to fix. If I attach myself to a disordered person I don't have to fix me! I can bury my head in someones else's misery. We were the perfect match for so many reasons.

How can one stay committed to a BPD person (who defies change, etc)?

1. By accepting that they will not change

2. Work on you - heal from our own past that brought us to this relationship

3. Work on why we are attracted to enmeshed relationships and gain value through fixing rather than letting them work it out for themselves

4. Work on personal values and learn to set boundaries to protect them