Just AThought About Me/Us Here

[Turkish]

The theme has come up here lately about we nons doing things for our Exes that no one had, or possibly would ever do. I know the history of mine, and it is certainly the case... .but why do we become wrapped up in these thoughts? Is it because we sense some injustice? The lack of logic? Our codependecy issues? At the end of the day, it made no difference. We tried to fill a black hole of need. Anyone would do. It was probably "special" for a while with most of us, that may be true. But how healthy is it for us to dwell upon such things? It obviously wasn't enough for our disordered loved ones, so why do we continue to dwell upon that which can never be logically processed?

[sirensong65]

Probably because I am a WHY kind of gal.  Always have been.  Not accepting his lame answer for breaking up a relationship that was always going SO well until he sabotaged it is what lead me here.  I started punching things into google like; "starts fights over nothing, easily offended, silent treatment, disappearing act, and BOOM... up came BPD and here I am.

I keep going over it in my mind because it makes no sense.  And for me, I have to pull the damn thing apart, look at it under the light and work and re work the pieces til I figure out the puzzle.  Which is why I truly believe, as do those closest to me that this will indeed drive me to madness cause I can't get the rational answer I am searching for...

You give someone unconditional love, you are attractive, upbeat, supportive, cook for them, take care of them, are sexually attractive and attracted to them.  Everything seems to be going along great and then they keep trying to torch the whole thing sighting we are incompatible.  Which part, the great sex?  The best friends that do everything and nothing and giggle through it?  The holding hands at night before we drift off to sleep, there are so many terrible things to choose from, which one are you sighting?

No, I'm not frustrated... .

[laelle]

Maybe it is because as adults, or even further back as children, we learn a certain way of treating people.  Yes, the "do unto others" cliche.

We grow up believing that "all" others are growing up with this belief as well.  We arent always perfect it at it, but it is one of our "boundaries" for living.

Even if we arent doing it at all times, we still innately "know" how to treat people.

Going into these relationships, we take those beliefs with us and assume that we will get that same consideration in return (from someone who says they love us), as our belief tells us that it will.

I know for me, I tried every way that I could to be able to get that consideration back.  If I didnt, my whole concept of "life" was flawed.  

It was easier to take the abuse and keep trying to "save" him, hoping for his part of the "Celestial Deal" to be fulfilled, rather than to just accept that he is the exception to the rule.  He does not do unto others as they do unto him.  My concept of humanity and love was flawed, but I am NOT flawed, and I can keep living that reality without him.

I see him love bombing a new girlfriend on FB... . I see a lot of people here jealous, and post their sorrow about it.  I am glad he opened up his FB so I could see it.

She thinks he is so happy because of HER and her ":)oing unto others" belief.  He has been so abused and she will "save" him.  

She does not realize that he is a deal breaker, and the exception to that rule.  He posts on Facebook because of the comfort that she provides, not because of her.

I laugh at his photo's watching him "fake" who he really is to keep her trying. She thinks... "See how much he is changing because of my love."

No amount of love will change my ex because he doesn't live by our "core" beliefs... .he lives by his own, and they are warped, and broken.

I believe you reap what you sow... . I believe that taking 90% and giving 10% will always end up in abandonment.  Actions and Consequences... .

I am not the first one he has screwed over and I wont be the last.  I am so thankful to him for letting me "watch" him make an ass out of himself.

I hope this helps... .

[RecycledNoMore]

I think for me, I dwell in those thoughts because BPD is soo illogical, I cant wrap my head around the topsy turvy world of a pwBPD, it dose not compute, maybe im in denial?, I can read the information, I saw the behaviors first hand, but I am so often struck by a sense of " this cant be real", I had no frikken idea that BPD even existed,everything I learn just seems so go* dam bizzare, Im always left scratching my head?, wth is it like to actually have BPD, the mind boggles... .

[heartandwhole]

Turkish,

I think we dwell on it because we desperately want to believe that we were special, that there is something good in us, that we are good enough, lovable, worthy.

When we give everything we've got to someone, and they leave/replace at the drop of a hat, it reinforces our deepest fears – that we aren't good enough, lovable, worthy.  We gave them our best self and it was not cherished.  That doesn't compute!

What if our fears are correct? That hurts tremendously, so we try to hold on to the belief that we were the best partner, we were exceptional, it was all them.  The alternative requires us to confront our childhood wounds, the ones we were trying to "fix" through our actions in the relationship.

Just my 2¢  

[clairedair]

When we give everything we've got to someone, and they leave/replace at the drop of a hat, it reinforces our deepest fears – that we aren't good enough, lovable, worthy.  We gave them our best self and it was not cherished.  That doesn't compute!

Today is another day when I've been thankful for having found this Board.  Thanks heartandwhole for this - sums up my current conflict and fear. 

Going into these relationships, we take those beliefs with us and assume that we will get that same consideration in return (from someone who says they love us), as our belief tells us that it will.

laelle,

I think what reinforced this was that my exH told me over and over again about his sacrifices for me; how he'd put my needs before his time and time again so I was frequently getting told that he was giving me consideration in return - more than I was giving him.  It was very confusing because I was being told this was the truth but I wasn't feeling that it was! 

... .why do we become wrapped up in these thoughts? Is it because we sense some injustice? The lack of logic? Our codependecy issues?

Turkish - it's infuriating isn't it.  Doubt if he spends more than a minute a month thinking about me now that he's found the woman who will meet the "need for intimacy" that I failed to provide in a 20+ year marriage.  Meanwhile, over a year after our last split, I'm still going over things in my head way more than I would like. 

This is part of a post from 2010 (the member not the year!) that I find interesting - some aspects of the 'lonely child' do feel familiar to me - particularly the need to understand:

"... .The lonely child is often very surprised by this. The anger and dysregulation are in contrast to what he/she perceives are necessary for the circumstances. (The lonely child fails to see need disguised as "love."  Therefore, the lonely child seeks to understand the Borderlines ideas of reference concerning "love" in order to cope with the neediness and begins a line of questioning.  The Borderline retreats.

Lonely child is "understanding driven" and gets drawn into the Borderline acting out. The lonely child now has a mystery- the Borderline dilemma of "who am I?" This is very likely the same way that the lonely child came into existence as an “understanding driven” child. Especially when he questioned the motives of his earliest attachments during infancy and adolescence.

The lonely child *understands* the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline- the lonely child must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline and also guide, teach and show the way- because after all, that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) worked so well in the idealization stage- the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline.

In the "upside down" world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand.  This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic- that forms a needy bond."

There's something about the need to understand combined with deep feelings of 'not good enough' that kept me in the relationship and also keeps me from fully detaching.  NB: I use 'deep' in the sense that these feelings are mostly unconscious - I mostly think I am OK and sometimes more than OK but certain triggers can have me 'spiralling' into feeling small and unacceptable". 

take care,

Claire

[laelle]

Going into these relationships, we take those beliefs with us and assume that we will get that same consideration in return (from someone who says they love us), as our belief tells us that it will.

laelle,

I think what reinforced this was that my exH told me over and over again about his sacrifices for me; how he'd put my needs before his time and time again so I was frequently getting told that he was giving me consideration in return - more than I was giving him.  It was very confusing because I was being told this was the truth but I wasn't feeling that it was!  

I know exactly what you mean!  I was like, what?  :)o you think this would be mirroring?

[laelle]

The 2010 post fits the relationship with my ex perfectly!

[alliance]

For me, I did much during the relationship because I thought I could "fix" things. It became clear to me that no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough. Problem was I was not only in the fog but she so manipulated my time and energy, I didn't have the ability to reflect on what was really going on and the toll it was taking on me.

After the break up and during the NC stage, it took a good 3 months before the fog/attachment lifted. During that time, I did a lot of "what ifs", what would have happened if I had done this or that. I was still taking responsibility for something I had no control over.

Then I shifted into the what the heck thinking i.e. remembering all the crap she did and said to me. I started calling her behavior what it was, rude, mean, unwarranted, baiting, drama provoking, attention seeking, blaming. This is when I think I started reclaiming myself and my power.

With the exception of 2 weeks of what the heck was I thinking, we have been NC for 7 months.

Time and distance helps us to process what happened, why it happened, how to avoid it happening again. It also helps us to let go of the past, reclaim our lives, and move on.

Healing is tricky and sometimes seems like a roller coaster in and of itself. But, it is a process for each of us to go thru. I really believe we let go of our exes and what happened in the relationship when things are as clear in our heads as we can make them.

It is truly something special when we can just say f*&k that when thoughts of our exes enter our minds and just shift to something else. And there is something special when you discover your ex is attached to someone else, and you truly mean and feel... .thank god it isn't me anymore.

It has been a long haul. But, I am so thankful to be where I am today.

[Learning_curve74]

I think we dwell on it because we desperately want to believe that we were special, that there is something good in us, that we are good enough, lovable, worthy.

When we give everything we've got to someone, and they leave/replace at the drop of a hat, it reinforces our deepest fears – that we aren't good enough, lovable, worthy.  We gave them our best self and it was not cherished.  That doesn't compute!

Well said... .I know what heart wrote above is very true for me. While I understand logically that I am enough, that I am lovable and worthy, my darn FOO issues kick in when it comes to the closeness and intimacy of the BPD relationship and subsequent loss of that closeness and intimacy. It's like chasing a mirage, and I can say that's the honest truth of how I feel as I'm currently in recycle #1 when I thought I'd never try again after breaking it off.

The funny thing is that my exBPDgf does not feel lovable and worthy, and thus she can neither truly trust and accept the love and intimacy she so desires, nor can she  consistently give me the love and intimacy I desire. My pwBPD is very self-aware and told mutual friends that I deserve better.

I'm pretty sure I'll end it again new year's day or the weekend after.

[Waifed]

The theme has come up here lately about we nons doing things for our Exes that no one had, or possibly would ever do. I know the history of mine, and it is certainly the case... .but why do we become wrapped up in these thoughts? Is it because we sense some injustice? The lack of logic? Our codependecy issues? At the end of the day, it made no difference. We tried to fill a black hole of need. Anyone would do. It was probably "special" for a while with most of us, that may be true. But how healthy is it for us to dwell upon such things? It obviously wasn't enough for our disordered loved ones, so why do we continue to dwell upon that which can never be logically processed?

I think it is because we think we are the best thing that ever happened to them and hopefully they will come to their senses.

[santa]

I think for me, I dwell in those thoughts because BPD is soo illogical, I cant wrap my head around the topsy turvy world of a pwBPD, it dose not compute, maybe im in denial?, I can read the information, I saw the behaviors first hand, but I am so often struck by a sense of " this cant be real", I had no frikken idea that BPD even existed,everything I learn just seems so go* dam bizzare, Im always left scratching my head?, wth is it like to actually have BPD, the mind boggles... .

I'm with you on that.

It's absolutely the most ridiculous thing I've ever had to deal with and entirely illogical. With anyone else, you have certain indications of how things are going to turn out and they are somewhat consistent. With these BPD people, it's like falling through one trap door after another.

[maxen]

The funny thing is that my exBPDgf does not feel lovable and worthy, and thus she can neither truly trust and accept the love and intimacy she so desires, nor can she  consistently give me the love and intimacy I desire.

when my w bolted, she said she "didn't feel cherished." i was speechless. she also, for as long as i've known her, has been relentless in looking for ways to feel hurt. so (later, in an email) i said that she'll never feel cherished if she's looking for ways to feel hurt (though she said she wouldn't read that email). nothing i did was appreciated, nothing was accepted as enough of a demonstration of commitment. and a great deal of my ferocious pain in the aftermath is that i tolerated her lack of intimacy for the sake of security and companionship and the chance that we could work back to the sparkling times we sometimes had, but she chose to lie and run.

why do we become wrapped up in these thoughts? Is it because we sense some injustice?

other explanations here have been very interesting, the answers will differ person to person and more than one may be true, but the sense of injustice is strong with me (as perhaps the paragraph above shows).