Replacement Timing Question

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that everyone on here is talking about their EXbd finding replacements so soon, my ex took about 4 months to find another guy after a 3 year intense relationship (had a home, 2 dogs, wedding plans, traveled the world together) ... .I want to know whats the average time for a non bd to move on and then what the average time of a BD to move on... .

Is it crazy of me to think that my ex doesn't have BPD because she took 4 months to move on?

[magichat101]

I know that everyone on here is talking about their EXbd finding replacements so soon, my ex took about 4 months to find another guy after a 3 year intense relationship (had a home, 2 dogs, wedding plans, traveled the world together) ... .I want to know whats the average time for a non bd to move on and then what the average time of a BD to move on... .

Is it crazy of me to think that my ex doesn't have BPD because she took 4 months to move on?

[Surnia]

No, its not crazy. 

4 month are not such a long time... .

Beside this: Many partners here stay undiagnosed. In my opinion it doesn't matters that much. What matters more is your own detachment.

How do you feel right now?

[arn131arn]

Magic,

I'm new to this site, but I understand where you are, and I feel for you, bro.  I really really do.  My ex moved on 3 weeks after she told me she was ready for another recycle.

I hear on the board no two pwBPD are the same.

Eventually we move on, BPD or not.  My ex being with someone now does hurt.  Magic, I don't believe there is anything else in the world that hurts more than this, but I know I am going to be stronger for it when I get to the other side.

I am sorry I don't have much of an answer for you right now; but if your ex has demonstrated the characteristics of BPD then you can read the link below:

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

Good luck, this website has helped me tremendously just in a week.  Keep posting and expressing your feelings, we will be alright, Magic.  I promise you that

[MrFox]

You were together for three years.  Getting into a relationship only 4 months after that doesn't seem like that long to me.  The time it takes for someone to move on to a new relationship doesn't indicate the presence or lack of BPD.  Yes, many pwBPD do move on quickly, but not all of them.  Some people without BPD (Nons) also move on to another person quickly.

[arn131arn]

You were together for three years.  Getting into a relationship only 4 months after that doesn't seem like that long to me.  The time it takes for someone to move on to a new relationship doesn't indicate the presence or lack of BPD.  Yes, many pwBPD do move on quickly, but not all of them.  Some people without BPD (Nons) also move on to another person quickly.

I had a breakdown at work today.  My boss, a beautiful woman, told me her main priority was to find me another woman?  Really?  I felt like screaming, "That's not what I want right now!"

I had an opportunity 3 days ago to actually have sex with another woman, I didn't do it because I am not going to use someone else to get over it or move on or elevate my self-esteem.  This is bPD traits.  And if your ex has BPD just remember that is what she is doing.  Using someone else so she does not have to deal with the feelings she has for you, which are too strong for her to emotionally deal with. 

I just want to stop feeling the pain.  I know how hard it is; but know you are right exactly how you are right now is where you need to be.  And that it is okay, as well.  Most peopple grieve the loss or a death... .some longer than others... .

[magichat101]

Currently I feel like crap. My ex is undiagnosed but her family therapist at rehab told me she has it plus I mean reading everyones stories on her was like reading my life with her- tragic... .

My ex has never been single for the past 10 years... .

1st relationship - 2 years long

Second one - a week after first - 5 years long  (one day packed a bag and just left and never came back)

third one - 2 days after second - 10 months long

me - 4 months after breakup with me- currently 5 weeks (met on facebook haha)

It's so hard seeing her happy currently... .She has talked so much crap about me to her family and friends about how I was the one that made her so depressed and dark/suicidal... .They believe that crap... .

I have my good weeks and bad weeks... .

We originally broke up a year ago but then recycled in March and "broke it off" again in August... .However according to her we never got back together... .She just moved in to my place and never left haha, what a joke... .

Seeing her so active on Instagram and twitter is nauseating so I deleted her... .When she was with me she drank every day starting at 9 am and never left the house and now shes out loving life with her new victim and to top it off its "all my fault"

pshhhh

[arn131arn]

Currently I feel like crap. My ex is undiagnosed but her family therapist at rehab told me she has it plus I mean reading everyones stories on her was like reading my life with her- tragic... .

My ex has never been single for the past 10 years... .

1st relationship - 2 years long

Second one - a week after first - 5 years long  (one day packed a bag and just left and never came back)

third one - 2 days after second - 10 months long

me - 4 months after breakup with me- currently 5 weeks (met on facebook haha)

It's so hard seeing her happy currently... .She has talked so much crap about me to her family and friends about how I was the one that made her so depressed and dark/suicidal... .They believe that crap... .

I have my good weeks and bad weeks... .

We originally broke up a year ago but then recycled in March and "broke it off" again in August... .However according to her we never got back together... .She just moved in to my place and never left haha, what a joke... .

Seeing her so active on Instagram and twitter is nauseating so I deleted her... .When she was with me she drank every day starting at 9 am and never left the house and now shes out loving life with her new victim and to top it off its "all my fault"

pshhhh

Sounds like my story.  I was the monster for 14 years.  I don't understand how the people in their lives can be so enabling.  When I am in a funk or whining about a rpoblem in my life, At some ponit the people who truly love me, tell me to get off my ass, and do the things I need to do to be a happy/successful person.

PS staty away from FB nothing good will come of it... .It's the worst thing to happen to us humans in the 21st century... .I swear to God it is

[sadinnc98]

I think mine has dabbled with other women and his ex-wife, the duration of our relationship... always back up plans, extra supply, etc... I have caught him on Match, etc... Currently I know he has been messaging with one (possibly two) women for a good month and this time it has affected our relationship very poorly. He is withdrawn, detached, etc... .way worse than he ever has been in 18 months... .currently not talking to me because he is "figuring things out"... .righhhht... .  I knew this was going to happen-he had to wait till after Xmas so he wouldn't be labeled an ass... .and i am sure too that he did not want to buy me a gift... .so now I sit in limbo... .

[arn131arn]

I think mine has dabbled with other women and his ex-wife, the duration of our relationship... always back up plans, extra supply, etc... I have caught him on Match, etc... Currently I know he has been messaging with one (possibly two) women for a good month and this time it has affected our relationship very poorly. He is withdrawn, detached, etc... .way worse than he ever has been in 18 months... .currently not talking to me because he is "figuring things out"... .righhhht... .  I knew this was going to happen-he had to wait till after Xmas so he wouldn't be labeled an ass... .and i am sure too that he did not want to buy me a gift... .so now I sit in limbo... .

Sad,

Don't sit in limbo... .keep moving... .it's a long road, I packed a tent.  I am preparing myself TODAY for the wonderful life I am going to lead without her!

Get back up and dust off your jeans... .we've been through the ringer.  We can wrestle with these pigs in the mud until we find out that the pigs actually enjoy it!

(Heard that on here recently so it's not mine; but I'll use it)

[charred]

PS staty away from FB nothing good will come of it... .It's the worst thing to happen to us humans in the 21st century... .I swear to God it is

Well put.

My exBPDgf found me, (27 years after dumping me when we were to get married), via FB... the result was me getting a divorce and going through 4 yrs of worse hell in my life.

Thanks FB.

[Oliolioxenfree]

I know that everyone on here is talking about their EXbd finding replacements so soon, my ex took about 4 months to find another guy after a 3 year intense relationship (had a home, 2 dogs, wedding plans, traveled the world together) ... .I want to know whats the average time for a non bd to move on and then what the average time of a BD to move on... .

Is it crazy of me to think that my ex doesn't have BPD because she took 4 months to move on?

There is no rule of thumb that they follow but from what I've been reading it seems like a lot of them appear to move on quite fast because they have already been lining up your replacement before they discard you.  However, When you break things off with them first it naturally takes them a little longer if they dont have their next victim chosen and hooked.  Somewhere in the middle are those who discard and then wait a few months before getting involved.  However I think in those instances there may have been things happening behind the scenes that we were not aware of and maybe their intended replacement for you fell through or just didn't work out.   Who knows.  The important thing to remember is that if your ex treated you like crap and left then you are probably better off. Disordered or not you deserve to be treated with love care kindness and respect.

The best thing my BPD ex ever did was discard me for my replacement.  I see that now, and 10000% happier without him.  It helps that I'm now dating someone a million times better.

[sirensong65]

Ours was a typical BPD whirlwind of a courtship.  One year but really intense.  He moved in with me after 6 weeks, we were engaged at 6 months, he called off our wedding 48 hours before and my friends and family hated him from that moment on.  He told me he was going through a depressive episode and didn't want to start a marriage in that state.  Even though I was being urged by others to kick him to the curb, I stood by him because I felt if I was willing to stand before God and vow for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, this was obviously sickness and I needed to stand by him now.  So I did.  He did move out though and get his own place (something he has never had) and we were excited to pick things out for his new place and plan to get ourselves back on track and regroup.  Then comes the weird vibes, the "I love you but I am NOT in love with you... ".  Then two weeks later, "no... .I was wrong, I realize now I AM in love with you."  Then, a month later, "You feel deeper for me than I do for you.  I will just keep hurting you if I stay... "  Then, "I need some space to work on me.  My therapist says I shouldn't be in a relationship.  Then the distancing, the no contact and it's  over.

Turns out he's been on Match and dating for a while.  And he says in his profile he wants to get married someday and have kids (he's 43 and no kids, one marriage and it was a weird one... ).  I am 48 and I loved him so much that even though I have three kids with a grandchild due any day, I don't look my age and I am in excellent shape.  I was willing to do In vitro for him and looked into it even though I had my tubes tied years ago.  I wanted to give him that experience if he wanted to be a father.

I am beginning to wonder who really wins in all this?  He's emotionally inept and can just bounce from relationship to relationship unscathed.  And I am shattered beyond belief  because I feel SO deeply and invested so much of myself in him.  I almost wish I was more like him.  He's feeling no pain and looking forward to a New Year filled with no conquests.  I am just trying to be hopeful of a new day, day-to-day, as my mood mood can change on a dime.

[seeking balance]

Looking at this from the behaviors of a pwBPD, overlapping is not about us, it is a coping mechanism to the perceived abandonment.  This is a maladaptive coping mechanism, but one that has worked in the past.

Even if you have a partner that didn't overlap, that doesn't mean he didn't use some other maladaptive coping mechanism - perhaps he used drugs, drank, work? 

Taking this to the further question you had

Is it crazy of me to think that my ex doesn't have BPD because she took 4 months to move on?

cheating is not even a criteria of BPD - it is simply one of many maladaptive coping mechanisms.  Try not to worry so much about is it or isn't it BPD - sounds like this was not a healthy relationship for you - ending from BPD or BPD-like behaviors doesn't change the fact that it was unhealthy and it did end.

Best,

SB