Ugh..today sucks

[sadinnc98]

I am thinking "I wish you the best" might be what I write.

Can you see this is bargaining still?

OK is acceptance... .

Good idea waiting to respond - very wise indeed.

Good point... .see Im not thinking with my head now...

[sadinnc98]

Thanks everyone for being there for me. I will pay it forward. Don't know what Id do without this board.   

[myself]

No need to respond unless it helps you with your healing. That is where your focus should be from now on. He made his choice. Now you have your freedom back.

[sirensong65]

I'm sorry, honey.  I wish I could hug you right now as I was where you are just a few short weeks ago and I know what lies ahead... .you will be all over the map.

Just heed some advice from those of us that didn't.  :)on't engage anymore.  Block him from everything you can, phone, email, facebook, etc.  and STAY THAT WAY.

If you think about him, yell STOP out loud to yourself and re direct your mind.  I had to do this cause I was out of control.  The others are right, this is about you now.  Self preservation time.  He is taking care of him, take care of you.

No drinking, no self medicating, cry if you must, have gf's over and lean on them, put away or throw away anything that reminds you of him and STAY BUSY.

You have something to do right now as a matter of fact.  You need to plan your tomorrow night.

Get moving... .

Let us know how you do...  We are here.

[MrConfused]

oh sadinnc I'm so sorry  All I can say to you is do the blocking *yourself* and keep it that way. I unblocked mine, only for her to block me/unblock me/block me. It was a rollercoaster.

If you do it, at least you have some semblance of power. Personally, I would try not to reply at all to his last message but I know you will want to... "OK" seems to be the best thing to send.

[sadinnc98]

OK I made plans for tomorrow night with old friends from college... also a hair appt to get a blow out and my nails done... .That is a start. Now on to trying to block him... .Ahhh the hurt  :'(

Thanks for the support-I keep reading and rereading these posts...

[sadinnc98]

He just texted: I am sorry. I really do love you.

Now what? :'(

[seeking balance]

He just texted: I am sorry. I really do love you.

Now what? :'(

Same answer isn't it - ok

Love for him is likely different than love for you.

Sadinnc - this really is up to you to stop the insanity, he won't. 

I lived it, detangled from it and I have watched this pattern for years, thus why I wrote this earlier.

Then no more texting - at some point he is going to make you be the one to pull the plug, you will be the one to stop the insanity and detangle yourself from the spiderweb you are very deeply in... .it is only once I stopped and detached that I realized how deep in the web I had become.

[MrConfused]

DON'T respond. He's playing mindgames with you, this is nothing short of abuse. Remember why are you here, you want to escape from this endless cycle of recycles.

It's not fair on you to keep having your emotions toyed with like this. You need to find the strength to end it finally yourself now, rather than handing him the power to do it whenever he feels like it. One day he truly will leave for good, but only if you let him.

[sadinnc98]

Thanks guys-I will not respond. I am soo full of emotion that I know I shouldn't text back like my immediate urge is... that is why I reached out here and to my dear friend (whom is a serious angel for putting up with me and dealing with this relationship... she has been there for me non stop)  before I did anything... .My first instinct was to say "I love you too... and I am just heartbroken   " but now that 45 mins has passed and the emotions are calmed down, I realize I would have deeply regretted that!

[sirensong65]

Good girl! one foot in front of the other...   Them boots are made for walking... walk AWAY.

As the others said, this is just mind games.  Once again, wanting the validation, from EVERYONE, ANYONE, he was probably messaging her at the same time.  Not trying to hurt you by saying that, just making you aware, that text was not what you think it was.

Stay strong and DO NOT respond.

[sadinnc98]

Good girl! one foot in front of the other...   Them boots are made for walking... walk AWAY.

As the others said, this is just mind games.  Once again, wanting the validation, from EVERYONE, ANYONE, he was probably messaging her at the same time.  Not trying to hurt you by saying that, just making you aware, that text was not what you think it was.

Stay strong and DO NOT respond.

Oh I am sure he was texting! He is probably not sure what to think now because normally I beg him back, send sad faces, tell him I love him, etc... .He is probably just worried now that I am no longer "on the hook"... .

He can't very well take this skanky chick to his corporate work functions and wanted to make sure his Barbie doll would be waiting in the wings to use when needed... or was there to make him chili, wine and dine at fancy places, etc... no more, no thanks, not happening.

Not responding... .

[MrConfused]

Be strong. Turn off your phone so nothing else comes through. If you wake up and there's a barrage of txt's from him, post here before doing anything.

[State85]

As others have said, do not respond. It is what he wants... .attention, whether positive or negative. It is what they thrive on.

[karma_gal]

I am so sorry to see how your story is unfolding, but like the others, I think it is all happening the best way it could because he's taking decisions out of your hands that you were wrestling over -- i.e. whether to block him on Facebook.  Trust me, it's a million times better for you now that you no longer have the opportunity to log on, see what he's doing, ruminate about what he's doing/who he's talking to, et cetera.  This is a good thing, even though it doesn't seem that way right now. 

In the same vain, though, given his texts -- and I agree they are mind games; he totally knows what he is doing to you and enjoying every minute of it -- why don't you just block him from your phone, too?  That way the texts won't even come through, you won't have to read them, spend the time and energy trying to figure out what they mean, how you should respond. 

Seriously, the best thing for YOU right now is to block him any and every way you can so that these messages cannot get through.  Go to your appointment tomorrow and get your hair and nails did and go rock the town tomorrow night and have the time of your life WITHOUT HIM. 

Baby steps prolong the agony, sometimes. Do not let him rent space in your head.  Keep telling yourself how fabulous you are, how you deserve so much more than he had to offer, go get gussied up tomorrow and start living like it's the first day of the rest of your life, because it really and truly is, BPD-free.  I kind of envy you right now, and I'm still good for that margarita any time you want one! 

Chin up, girlfriend.  You are going to get through this.  You have a cadre of really smart, insightful people who have your back every step of the way. 

So I say let yourself cry tonight, as long as you promise yourself and all of us that you will spend tomorrow night kicking up your heels and laughing and having a great time. 

[sadinnc98]

Ok... .he is now messaging through FB. I did not respond so he is texting... he is sad, misses me, etc... I need to block but I am feeling weak and this is getting to me big time... I feel very weak and beat down. Help... .

[MrConfused]

Don't give in. If you don't have the strength to block him, get off Facebook & remove it from your smartphone/tablet. You need time to heal before you can do anything at the moment

[patientandclear]

Do you see what's happening? He didn't get what he wanted: proof you care. Now he'll pull you back in. Then he can do it to you again. How many times do you want to do this?.

[myself]

He probably is sad, and probably does miss you. That's how it must feel when you push someone away the way he did with you. Just a few hours ago. As his attempts to reel you back in have not yet worked, he's ramping it up. Playing on your emotions. My ex tried every angle there is, from the sweetest highs to the cruelest lows. I finally cut off contact with her because it was the right thing to do for both of us. It wasn't what I wanted to do but what was needed. I care about her too much to be her trigger anymore, and care about myself too much to be abused. That push/pull, come here/go away, I love you/You mean nothing to me cycle is not good. By choosing to stop it you will find strength and power, clarity and truth, hope and fulfillment. If you respond to him now, it won't end the cravings he is having, or satisfy your own. It won't lead to healing yourself.

[seeking balance]

Ok... .he is now messaging through FB. I did not respond so he is texting... he is sad, misses me, etc... I need to block but I am feeling weak and this is getting to me big time... I feel very weak and beat down. Help... .

This is who he is and without significant therapy for you both - this is your relationship.  There is no 1/2 with BPD - all or nothing.

If you are not done, you just are not... .nobody here can tell you what to do.  If you stay, learn how to take good care of your own needs so you can be a proper partner for a pwBPD - once we do know the deal, we have a responsibility if we are staying in it -IMHO.

[karma_gal]

Ok... .he is now messaging through FB. I did not respond so he is texting... he is sad, misses me, etc... I need to block but I am feeling weak and this is getting to me big time... I feel very weak and beat down. Help... .

This is who he is and without significant therapy for you both - this is your relationship.  There is no 1/2 with BPD - all or nothing.

If you are not done, you just are not... .nobody here can tell you what to do.  If you stay, learn how to take good care of your own needs so you can be a proper partner for a pwBPD - once we do know the deal, we have a responsibility if we are staying in it -IMHO.

Seeking:

You are so wise and so many of your comments I have read give me pause, as does this one.

So I get that if we stay, whether in the short- or long-term, once we have identified that our partners are BPD, or even something else that is destructive, we take responsibility in the sense that we know its limits and yet stay anyway.  I'm curious, though, what our responsibility looks like if we're staying in it means to you, just because you're smart and I really value your opinion from all the posts I've read of yorus.  Are you talking about changing the way we communicate and relate and react, or to stop expecting what they can't give, or does it go beyond that? 

[seeking balance]

So I get that if we stay, whether in the short- or long-term, once we have identified that our partners are BPD, or even something else that is destructive, we take responsibility in the sense that we know its limits and yet stay anyway.  I'm curious, though, what our responsibility looks like if we're staying in it means to you, just because you're smart and I really value your opinion from all the posts I've read of yorus.  Are you talking about changing the way we communicate and relate and react, or to stop expecting what they can't give, or does it go beyond that? 

So we don't hijack this thread - how about starting a new thread and I can elaborate... .this is more of a personal inventory perhaps? PM the link to me and I will chime in - again, only my opinion.

[karma_gal]

So I get that if we stay, whether in the short- or long-term, once we have identified that our partners are BPD, or even something else that is destructive, we take responsibility in the sense that we know its limits and yet stay anyway.  I'm curious, though, what our responsibility looks like if we're staying in it means to you, just because you're smart and I really value your opinion from all the posts I've read of yorus.  Are you talking about changing the way we communicate and relate and react, or to stop expecting what they can't give, or does it go beyond that? 

So we don't hijack this thread - how about starting a new thread and I can elaborate... .this is more of a personal inventory perhaps? PM the link to me and I will chime in - again, only my opinion.

You got it.  Thanks!

[sadinnc98]

I am staying the course. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever ever done. Thank you all for supporting me. I'm going to attempt to sleep and will check in tomorrow. I can do this.

[patientandclear]

Just know that b/c you aren't responding as he expected & you appear not to be "down on the farm" anymore, he likely will turn up the heat & redouble his efforts. You may get offered NYE & a lot of promises.  This is a control strategy. Once control is achieved, you're back where were yesterday.

[sadinnc98]

Ok thank you for that! I was kinda wondering how/what was going to happen today and how to handle it. I woke up today feeling really sad. I don't feel up to going out tonight-I think its going to make me sad to be out with all couples and I am alone... .thoughts? I almost thought of maybe getting take out and taking an Ambien and sleeping through the night then waking up to a fresh day tomorrow.  I am sure he will be hanging with his new lady friend where she is tending bar so I am sure he will be leaving me alone.

Last night I forced myself to relive the past four weeks. The way that man greatly detached from me is becoming so clear... in ways that I didn't even see that is what he was doing, that is what he was doing... there was a major decrease in sex (and he wasn't even into it), he did not make me feel welcome at his house, my things in the bathroom I use where left under the sink instead of the nornal place, not calling, ignoring texts, just being cold, and a lot of other things... not the guy I know when he is "on"... Other than that few awesome dinner dates, he was just not there with me... same timing that he started up with the OW (and honestly, I almost think she is/was a distraction for him, I don't see him having a LTR with her unless I am very wrong) I really don't want to live like that-with someone who is rejecting me that way-its really hurt.

[MrConfused]

I think its going to make me sad to be out with all couples and I am alone

No go. It does suck seeing other happy couples out, especially if they are quite physical with each other but going out & having fun with your friend will help take your mind off him, even if for a bit. Besides, if you're at home you are more likely to give in and reply. Given that he's likely out having fun himself, he probably won't reply or send you hate again, so it's not worth it.

[sadinnc98]

I think its going to make me sad to be out with all couples and I am alone

No go. It does suck seeing other happy couples out, especially if they are quite physical with each other but going out & having fun with your friend will help take your mind off him, even if for a bit. Besides, if you're at home you are more likely to give in and reply. Given that he's likely out having fun himself, he probably won't reply or send you hate again, so it's not worth it.

Ill be interested to see how he acts today. Holidays are triggers for him... always... I wonder if he will push away the new girl like he did me on every holiday.  I noticed he changed his FB cover photo to one that is symbolic of our relationship (two snowy paths meeting as one that he showed me last year saying it was representative of us) and also put up my favorite picture of him. I am sure that was not a coincidence.  He just doesn't know what to do without me begging him back like always.  I can admit too since I am being honest, I am a little sad not to hear from him even though its best and the right thing.

[myself]

He just doesn't know what to do without me begging him back like always.  I can admit too since I am being honest, I am a little sad not to hear from him even though its best and the right thing.

Going through the same thing here. When we did do what we could to get them back, were they really here with us? It felt like a revolving door an imposter kept hurting me with. Every day is important, and worth sharing, not just holidays. We're teaching ourselves to be ourselves. It's better to not hear from them if it detracts from that.

[sadinnc98]

He is on match.com already... .wow. kick me when im down.