Failure and Change = Hope

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board!

The end of a new year always brings up self-reflection.  Never more than after an experience with a pwBPD.  Emotions can be raw and life seems uncertain... .



One of my favorite movies about life is Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - her are some quotes that I find inspiring.

"The only real failure is the failure to try, and the measure of success is how we cope with the dissappointment, as we all must."

"It is not change we fear but that things will remain the same."

"All we know about the future is that it will be different. But perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. So we must celebrate the changes."

In 2014, things will look different - what are you willing to risk changing in the hopes of happiness?

Will it be going NC if you are still enmeshed?

Giving FB stalking a break?

Letting yourself fall apart and cry?

Doing a marathon?

Building that deck outside your house you always wanted?

What change will you make?

Peace,

SB

[laelle]

I am going to stop insulting my ex on bpdfamily! ... .wait, you said New Years not April Fools Day, right? 

[seeking balance]

 

I am going to stop insulting my ex on bpdfamily! ... .wait, you said New Years not April Fools Day, right? 

[laelle]

I am going to use my new communication skills... .

*respect my boundaries

*respect the boundaries of others

*not take things so personal

*follow through on some of my ideas that involve communication with others.

*work on my inner child as she got ran over by the BPD truck this year.

[clairedair]

One of my favorite movies about life is Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - her are some quotes that I find inspiring.

"The only real failure is the failure to try, and the measure of success is how we cope with the dissappointment, as we all must."

"It is not change we fear but that things will remain the same."

"All we know about the future is that it will be different. But perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. So we must celebrate the changes."

One of my favourites too - am sure there's also a quote along the lines of:

"Everything will be alright in the end; and if it's not alright, it is not yet the end."

Bit cheesy but I like it!

Every New Year for about last 9 years, I've been looking forward to a better year and it's been another year of chaos because I allowed it to continue by reconciling again and again.  This year he's married to someone else - this brings it's own issues because it happened so quickly but ultimately has given me a real break - no recycles in 2013 

2014 is hopefully the year when I move on from all the buried stuff coming to surface now it has the space and time to do so ... .onto re-establishing my identity and what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I'm so sick of still thinking so much about what happened and although I do realise that this stuff does need to come to the surface and be exposed in order for me to properly heal, I am really hoping to have my thoughts and dreams filled with more positive things, for example, thinking how to answer your question - What am I willing to risk changing? 

take care,

Claire

[myself]

I'm going to scrape the ___ off my shoes and make sure I don't step in as much of it in the year(s) to come. Detach, grieve, and move on to better things. Be Myself.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm putting away all my BPD books, going to limit my browsing time here, (unless there is good reason to need bolstered), keeping all avenues of communication BLOCKED, and giving as much emotional investment to myself as I have given to this XpwBPD over the past three years.

My new reading assignment (starting tonight ) is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. 

I've lost almost 30 pounds in the last three months so I'm keeping on with and building from that, I started Tai Chi a few weeks ago as well. 

I'm not out of the woods by any means, but I have a good start, and there's no going back.  It's all about me now.

Happy 2014

CiF

[santa]

This is a tough one.

I really wish I could go NC. I'd block her phone number and email address immediately and go on with my life. We have a daughter though, so I can't just cut communication. I really hate dealing with her. She can go a week or so without giving me any problems, but then she'll just unload a bunch of grief on me. She'll go on and on about how awful I was and then tell me I need to stop bringing up the past because she's only focused on the present and future. What the heck? Totally ridiculous.

[seeking balance]

This is a tough one.

I really wish I could go NC. I'd block her phone number and email address immediately and go on with my life. We have a daughter though, so I can't just cut communication. I really hate dealing with her. She can go a week or so without giving me any problems, but then she'll just unload a bunch of grief on me. She'll go on and on about how awful I was and then tell me I need to stop bringing up the past because she's only focused on the present and future. What the heck? Totally ridiculous.

Yeah, you have to learn to work with the limits as you do have a child - this is tough.

Perhaps you can change the boundaries you set when she does bring up the past?  What could that look like?

[seeking balance]

My new reading assignment (starting tonight ) is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. 

Changing to be present in the moment is a big change indeed CIF - happy reading - good stuff 

[seeking balance]

I'm going to scrape the ___ off my shoes and make sure I don't step in as much of it in the year(s) to come. Detach, grieve, and move on to better things. Be Myself.

 Sounds like a plan

[seeking balance]

I'm so sick of still thinking so much about what happened and although I do realise that this stuff does need to come to the surface and be exposed in order for me to properly heal, I am really hoping to have my thoughts and dreams filled with more positive things, for example, thinking how to answer your question - What am I willing to risk changing? 

Reprogramming thoughts is a BIG change Claire - that is a good one!  I started very actively doing (almost daily) morning affirmations about a year ago ... .I really think this stuff works, honestly.

Good one!

[seeking balance]

*not take things so personal

Laelle, that one was a biggie for me too when I decided to make that thought pattern change.  I first read about it a couple years ago with 4 Agreements - it really is a positive change in thought pattern.

[santa]

This is a tough one.

I really wish I could go NC. I'd block her phone number and email address immediately and go on with my life. We have a daughter though, so I can't just cut communication. I really hate dealing with her. She can go a week or so without giving me any problems, but then she'll just unload a bunch of grief on me. She'll go on and on about how awful I was and then tell me I need to stop bringing up the past because she's only focused on the present and future. What the heck? Totally ridiculous.

Yeah, you have to learn to work with the limits as you do have a child - this is tough.

Perhaps you can change the boundaries you set when she does bring up the past?  What could that look like?

I have no idea. Lol

She's really good at all this. No matter what I do or don't do, she just spins it to where she wins. She acts like I'm working some angle on her all the time, but I'm really not, I don't think. Maybe I am. Who knows? I'm burned out on it for now. I'm sure she'll be able to wind me up again next week if she feels like it.

[seeking balance]

She's really good at all this. No matter what I do or don't do, she just spins it to where she wins. She acts like I'm working some angle on her all the time, but I'm really not, I don't think. Maybe I am. Who knows? I'm burned out on it for now. I'm sure she'll be able to wind me up again next week if she feels like it.

Be boring, she cannot spin it if you don't play.

Let her work her angles, don't react, don't argue, go about your business.  Validate her whenever you get a chance, honestly, it helps.

[santa]

She's really good at all this. No matter what I do or don't do, she just spins it to where she wins. She acts like I'm working some angle on her all the time, but I'm really not, I don't think. Maybe I am. Who knows? I'm burned out on it for now. I'm sure she'll be able to wind me up again next week if she feels like it.

Be boring, she cannot spin it if you don't play.

Let her work her angles, don't react, don't argue, go about your business.  Validate her whenever you get a chance, honestly, it helps.

Sounds like good advice. I'll try to implement it. I feel like I've been too nice to her. I just don't know how to deal with this. Every time I think I've got it under control, it's back through the same argument... .over and over and over again. Nothing I say does any good and I come away from it feeling lousy every time.

[seeking balance]

Sounds like good advice. I'll try to implement it. I feel like I've been too nice to her. I just don't know how to deal with this. Every time I think I've got it under control, it's back through the same argument... .over and over and over again. Nothing I say does any good and I come away from it feeling lousy every time.

Don't be nice, don't be mean - validate her emotions... .before things get any better, we have to change to not make it worse.  This is super hard when you are trying to detach and still very raw and hurt - use your T and here to process your emotions, but with her, think boring.

[santa]

Sounds like good advice. I'll try to implement it. I feel like I've been too nice to her. I just don't know how to deal with this. Every time I think I've got it under control, it's back through the same argument... .over and over and over again. Nothing I say does any good and I come away from it feeling lousy every time.

Don't be nice, don't be mean - validate her emotions... .before things get any better, we have to change to not make it worse.  This is super hard when you are trying to detach and still very raw and hurt - use your T and here to process your emotions, but with her, think boring.

Thank you. I haven't seen a therapist, but if this keeps up longer, I'll probably need to look into it.

I am going to try to stick to the "think boring" idea. It's probably is my best bet to just have a script and stick to it. It seems like that's what she's doing anyway. I think having a game plan will help me. I keep getting sucked in by emotions. Boring will probably be better.

[UnLuckyLady]

I could create a list as long as my leg of things I would like to accomplish in 2014... .but none of those things can happen until I make an epic realization which is:

I.Am.Enough.

[arn131arn]

I could create a list as long as my leg of things I would like to accomplish in 2014... .but none of those things can happen until I make an epic realization which is:

I.Am.Enough.

Got to go with the Lucky Lady here.  I think me too.  I've been so focused on her ailments the past two weeks, and I never asked myself honestly, how am I broken?  What needs to be fixed in me?  That's the scary stuff, huh?

[Surnia]

Yep, another new year... .I have always mixed feelings about all the New year resolutions. Thinking a lot about it the last days.

Since a very long time repetaedly I am doing something and out of the blue from deep inside came a thought, a desire: I wish I could be someone else. Each time I am a bit surprised and the desire goes away as suddenly at it arrived.

I never asked myself what this means "someone else". Yesterday it hit me: It is about being loved just the way I am. If I would be someone else, I would be loved. This is so sad. 

I can handle a lot to things, my life was in many ways not an easy year and in the same time quite active, some major changes. I am on a healthy path. When it came to self-worthiness, I am struggling again and again.

This brings me to new Year: Its so easy to say: I will do this and that and it will makes my life better and there is the little voice saying it will make you better. All those kind of resolutions are easily turned to supply for "being better". I am so feed up with being better and yes, it is like a second skin.

I would be more worthy if I would have more good friends.

I would be more worthy if I would take better care for my parents.

I would be more worthy if I would spent less time alone.

I would be more worthy if I had better communication skills.

And so on. So all the points above are valid things to work on for next year.

More than anything else I wish to get this in line with my self worth. Not jumping again on it to make myself better. I don't know exactly how to handle this.

[damage control]

Surnia

You had me at "If I would be someone else I would be loved"

[laelle]

*not take things so personal

Laelle, that one was a biggie for me too when I decided to make that thought pattern change.  I first read about it a couple years ago with 4 Agreements - it really is a positive change in thought pattern.

Read the book too... .Maybe it was you who suggested it to me.  It has some rather unorthodox views on religion, but it rings so true.  I cancel agreements I made with myself daily.  My exH (not the BPD) and I are using it to detach from our "old" relationship an try to form a new and equal one.  I dont know if it will work, as there is A ton of dirty laundry to sort through, but I feel as if I am being true to the little girl inside of me, and that feels great. My family is worth the effort.

I have one last hurdle and that is dealing with my insecurities of a job.  As I moved to France 9 years ago, I have not been able to work full time. (language barrier)

I have been learning French, but in addition, I have a family member who started a company to help women start their own business.  As learning English is important to those in business, she wants me to teach seminars through skype and in person in Paris.  The last job I had, i worked with a narcissistic (no lie)(real estate agent) who nothing I did would ever be good enough for, and the job before that, my boss told lies about me to the big boss to call attention away from herself.  She ended up going to jail for 4 years, having embezzled a couple of hundred thousand from the company.  I got an apology from the company, but it does not give me back the self esteem I lost.

I want to be able to break the agreement with myself that tells me that I am flawed, and therefore will fail at work.   

[laelle]

Yep, another new year... .I have always mixed feelings about all the New year resolutions. Thinking a lot about it the last days.

Since a very long time repetaedly I am doing something and out of the blue from deep inside came a thought, a desire: I wish I could be someone else. Each time I am a bit surprised and the desire goes away as suddenly at it arrived.

I never asked myself what this means "someone else". Yesterday it hit me: It is about being loved just the way I am. If I would be someone else, I would be loved. This is so sad. 

I can handle a lot to things, my life was in many ways not an easy year and in the same time quite active, some major changes. I am on a healthy path. When it came to self-worthiness, I am struggling again and again.

This brings me to new Year: Its so easy to say: I will do this and that and it will makes my life better and there is the little voice saying it will make you better. All those kind of resolutions are easily turned to supply for "being better". I am so feed up with being better and yes, it is like a second skin.

I would be more worthy if I would have more good friends.

I would be more worthy if I would take better care for my parents.

I would be more worthy if I would spent less time alone.

I would be more worthy if I had better communication skills.

And so on. So all the points above are valid things to work on for next year.

More than anything else I wish to get this in line with my self worth. Not jumping again on it to make myself better. I don't know exactly how to handle this.

You are worthy alone, without anyone.  You may live a more fruitful life with those other things, but you are a gentle, loving soul.  It is all that the world asks of you.  To give back the love you receive.  I would dare to say that you are doing that.    We truly are our toughest critic sometimes.!  You are my mentor of sorts, and I can not tell you how many tears you have blessed me with, and how many times you have wiped them away.  You are not only enough, but your great!

I wish you a Happy New Year... .

[Surnia]

To Laelle and DC

It is all that the world asks of you. 

Its so damn difficult to put this in my head, body and soul sometimes.

[laelle]

Remember to put the critic away and embrace the loving soul inside of you!  As loving as this website is, for me, it can sometimes lead me to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Like the Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland... ."I'm late, and there is so much to be done".  You are late for what exactly?

It's New Years!   

[Surnia]

Like the Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland... ."I'm late, and there is so much to be done".  You are late for what exactly?

I like this - I was a bit late for just being in touch with my thoughts and emotions and sharing it. Sharing what really matter for me.

And doing what needs to be done, or what I like to do. Without the purpose I will be better. Just bc I am enough.

Happy new Year for you too.   

[seeking balance]

Worthiness - big topic

I, too, have struggle from time to time with being enough. 

In theory, I fall back on a more spiritual foundation to balance this in myself... .the fundamental belief that we all have worth because we exist.  In my lows, it helps to remind myself

In practice,  Last year I committed to affirmations every morning and gratitude list every evening... .I give myself a solid B (85% of the time doing it).

I don't know if it is this or time or what - but I do feel more "me" than ever before.  Solid and enough.  If you have not tried a serious routine of affirmations - "I am _____", maybe it is time to try something new.  youtube has a lot of them actually and I play about 10 minutes worth in my morning routine with no other distractions. 

New Year - new routine anyone?

[Surnia]

I tried many times in the past with positive affirmations, SB.

It never worked. My last T told me, that this is normal - regarding her you have to have a solid base of vitality/energy to make affirmations working.

My guess is, now it could work, I am and definitely less depressed and more in touch with my emotions. I will look at it.

I will give more awareness about "What I am" and "What I am doing" and I started again with Bodyscans, guided  sort of mediation through the own body. My goal is to try this out just more than one time in half a year 

Lets see.