Someone PLEASE put my mind at ease

[UnLuckyLady]

Recently discovered my exuBPDbf has met someone else and has cut all contact from me.  Frankly the sporadic contact was unhealthy and I'm fine with that loss (more or less).    But... .I simply cannot stop wandering if this new woman is going to be the one who makes him happy.  The "ONE".  I am beating the crap out of myself emotionally, all though I know I was a really really good girlfriend to him.  Just not enough I guess.

So please... .someone tell me how disastrous this new relationship will turn out... .

[arn131arn]

I am going through the same thing, obsessing all day, every day to how she is doing with this guy.

Is he going to be the one?  I don't know, but all I am told from the members here at bpdfamily is that NOONE is going to make them happy.  

They have to do that which is not possible... .make themselves happy

[Turkish]

Recently discovered my exuBPDbf has met someone else and has cut all contact from me.  Frankly the sporadic contact was unhealthy and I'm fine with that loss (more or less).    But... .I simply cannot stop wandering if this new woman is going to be the one who makes him happy.  The "ONE".  I am beating the crap out of myself emotionally, all though I know I was a really really good girlfriend to him.  Just not enough I guess.

So please... .someone tell me how disastrous this new relationship will turn out... .

No one can "make" anyone else happy. That's not the job of a partner in a healthy, adult r/s. If the partner does think it is the other's job, that is childish thinking. There never is a One for them , except the possible codependent who defines his or herself by giving only. That is not healthy either. BPD is characterized by a life long pattern of unstable relationships. Even those few who seem to be monagamous mete out constant drama. If you doubt that, read the Staying board for a while. The people there only represent a fraction of nons who have lifted themselves out of the FOG to get help.

[damage control]

UL (+arn)

I have been going through this for about 7 weeks.

Convinced that she and he are going to find the relationship that eluded him and I ... but really, and in all honesty, the r/s with him and me was almost perfect for him. I made no demands of him, was content with him being emotionally stunted and unavailable etc ... perhaps there are women just like me who he might meet but there is nobody who will be as easy-going and accepting.

We never once argued, never said a bad word to each other (well, he did the 2 days after he dumped me), had amazing sex and were each others' support. So, unless she is as stunted as he is (and that is doubtful) and unless she is prepared to accept the mixed messages but not build hope upon them, unless she is prepared to accept that I am around and sharing his bed/life (there is now way she knows and really ... it is tantamount to cheating on her already) then there is no way that their r/s will fare any better than his and mine.

I don't know what type of BPD your ex is. But I can tell you from experiences from both sides of the fence that one of two things is bound to happen:

1) The replacement will be 'everything' your ex wanted and will be a rock for them no matter what - in which case, the unfamiliar feeling of unconditional love or the feeling of revulsion that comes from that will make them turn away and look for the more familiar 'rejection' or 'longing'.

2) The replacement will be smarter than you or I (or any of us here) and see him for what he is and walk away ...

The script is set... there is no diverting from it. It is what animates the disorder, it is its raison d' etre ... no amount of love can fix it ... no amount of loyalty can fix it, not amount of sex can fix it. It simply is.

[Findingmysong723]

I think that others can make you happier but you're the only one that can make yourself happy! My Ex isn't happy, so I could help him be happy sometimes but it couldn't last, because he isn't happy!

[UnLuckyLady]

Thank you both for quick responses.  

Turkish I have read your posts and am following your progress.  I admire your strength. Very much.  You're right... .making someone else happy or making someone else responsible for your own happiness is extremely unhealthy.  Funny, he told me about three months in (9 month relationship) that I am responsible for making him happy.    I told him how unhealthy that outlook was and actually was able to help him understand why.  

I guess I'm beating myself up because although logically I know I was more than enough for ANY healthy man... .emotionally I'm a 7 yr old little girl who didn't get picked for the solo at ballet     

[UnLuckyLady]

UL (+arn)

I have been going through this for about 7 weeks.

Convinced that she and he are going to find the relationship that eluded him and I ... but really, and in all honesty, the r/s with him and me was almost perfect for him. I made no demands of him, was content with him being emotionally stunted and unavailable etc ... perhaps there are women just like me who he might meet but there is nobody who will be as easy-going and accepting.

We never once argued, never said a bad word to each other (well, he did the 2 days after he dumped me), had amazing sex and were each others' support. So, unless she is as stunted as he is (and that is doubtful) and unless she is prepared to accept the mixed messages but not build hope upon them, unless she is prepared to accept that I am around and sharing his bed/life (there is now way she knows and really ... it is tantamount to cheating on her already) then there is no way that their r/s will fare any better than his and mine.

I don't know what type of BPD your ex is. But I can tell you from experiences from both sides of the fence that one of two things is bound to happen:

1) The replacement will be 'everything' your ex wanted and will be a rock for them no matter what - in which case, the unfamiliar feeling of unconditional love or the feeling of revulsion that comes from that will make them turn away and look for the more familiar 'rejection' or 'longing'.

2) The replacement will be smarter than you or I (or any of us here) and see him for what he is and walk away ...

The script is set... there is no diverting from it. It is what animates the disorder, it is its raison d' etre ... no amount of love can fix it ... no amount of loyalty can fix it, not amount of sex can fix it. It simply is.

VERY VERY sage advice DC.  I am realizing that I myself, was your 1).  Loved him unconditionally to the point he was disgusted.  UGH!   

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Lady-

I'm sorry your going through that; we've all been there and it sucks, but the good news is it will only get better from here, as you heal.

I know I was a really really good girlfriend to him.  

I have no doubt you were.

You were the one who made him happy, you were the "One" for a time, and now she is; a borderline bounces from One to One looking for their savior, and for a time you were it, that perfect human who could make his lifelong pain go away and save him.

If you haven't read this please do and see if it applies https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

A relationship with a borderline goes through phases, vulnerable seducer, clinger, hater with all the push/pull, idealization, devaluation periods; uncanny how they all play out similar.  You and this new gal are just in different stages of the disorder, the exact same things that went down with you will go down with her, and it's not about either of you; it's about him and his Serious Mental Illness.  Take care of you!

BTW, once you get some distance and some healing, you might just consider yourself LuckyLady.

[damage control]

It's not disgust per se UL

It's more like unfamiliar territory and an uneasiness ... .disgust comes if the other person pushes and pushes ... or keeps worshipping no matter what ... but other than that, it's just like waking up on Xmas morning and finding that your parents got you the wrong brand of jeans ... they just don't fit in that familiar way ...

The flip side of this for the BPD is that the familiar is painful and it is unrequited or cruel or rejecting ... there is no fixing to be had. Either the person withholds love (in which case they become the object of affection to an insane degree) or they give in (in which case, it feels unfamiliar, suspicious and unrewarding) ... there is no winning here.

[Turkish]

Thank you both for quick responses.  

Turkish I have read your posts and am following your progress.  I admire your strength. Very much.  You're right... .making someone else happy or making someone else responsible for your own happiness is extremely unhealthy.  Funny, he told me about three months in (9 month relationship) that I am responsible for making him happy.    I told him how unhealthy that outlook was and actually was able to help him understand why.  

I guess I'm beating myself up because although logically I know I was more than enough for ANY healthy man... .emotionally I'm a 7 yr old little girl who didn't get picked for the solo at ballet     

Thank you, ULL, I only wish my X did... .maybe she does on some level. I might just tell her how much worse these past few months would have been with anybody else, pulling what she did. That might be part of my exit speech.

As for making someone happy, my T flat out told me that wasn't my job either. Even two years ago, when everything was the best it ever was in our r/s, she wondered aloud how she could be so unhappy since she had everything she ever wanted (great kid, partner, home, financial stability, job, better relations with her family). Yes, it was inevitable, whether I had been honest about my reservations of having a second kid or no. It would have "happened" as she puts it, no matter what.

Interestingly, a good friend of mine with a depressive wife (no BPD) is going through something similar. He flat out told her it wasn't his job to make her happy. They are now in therapy. Her daddy AND mommy issues came out after only one session. Does this FOO stuff never end? I hope to hell to raise my kids healthy and properly loved... .

[arn131arn]

UL (+arn)

I have been going through this for about 7 weeks.

Convinced that she and he are going to find the relationship that eluded him and I ... but really, and in all honesty, the r/s with him and me was almost perfect for him. I made no demands of him, was content with him being emotionally stunted and unavailable etc ... perhaps there are women just like me who he might meet but there is nobody who will be as easy-going and accepting.

We never once argued, never said a bad word to each other (well, he did the 2 days after he dumped me), had amazing sex and were each others' support. So, unless she is as stunted as he is (and that is doubtful) and unless she is prepared to accept the mixed messages but not build hope upon them, unless she is prepared to accept that I am around and sharing his bed/life (there is now way she knows and really ... it is tantamount to cheating on her already) then there is no way that their r/s will fare any better than his and mine.

I don't know what type of BPD your ex is. But I can tell you from experiences from both sides of the fence that one of two things is bound to happen:

1) The replacement will be 'everything' your ex wanted and will be a rock for them no matter what - in which case, the unfamiliar feeling of unconditional love or the feeling of revulsion that comes from that will make them turn away and look for the more familiar 'rejection' or 'longing'.

2) The replacement will be smarter than you or I (or any of us here) and see him for what he is and walk away ...

The script is set... there is no diverting from it. It is what animates the disorder, it is its raison d' etre ... no amount of love can fix it ... no amount of loyalty can fix it, not amount of sex can fix it. It simply is.

What about money dameage?  No amount of money either?

[Pretty Woman]

LUCKYLady,

I know exactly how you feel. I left these boards a few days ago vowing to get better and it is a struggle.  

None of us want to fail and losing our loves feels like failure.

Let me tell you a story: tonight I screamed and cried all the way home from Target.

This was my first relationship... .with a woman. For the first 6mo no one knew.  She would rage and even the smallest argument she would change her number for a week so I couldn't reach her UNTIL she felt like replying back.

The day my best friend told me she could not be my friend anymore because I was gay, I was so distraught I cancelled dinner plans with my ex and she dumped me! In a panic I drove to her apt and knocked on her door. She was on the phone with her ex saying, "now she's f'n stalking me!"

She threatened a restraining order and ran off to her ex states away.  On her ride home she called me 55x and showed up on my porch.

I took her back.  

She dumped me 6x in 15 mo.  I screamed and cried tonight because when I needed her most she abandoned me.

This time, she actually came to my house and said we should see other people.  I knew she had my replacement and who it was.

She told me I was her very best friend and she couldn't imagine life without me. She loved me very very much.  Fast forward a week and my trying to get closure and she calls me a vindictive, self absorbed bit@&. She blocks me on FB, changes her number and deactivates her email after telling me I betrayed her and was never present in our relationship.

Towards the end I did get busy because I was so depressed not knowing when she's leave me again.

So she not only abandoned me she closed the door on me, smeared me as a stalker and is dating someone I thought was a friend yet I suspect they were together for at least a few months.  On several occasions my ex would tell me she thought this girl would date her if we weren't together.  

My ex also locked her cell phone a month into our relationship.

Deep down I know she is bad news (read my past posts... .oy) still it hurts to think someone might get better after my 15mo of hell.

I feel for you. We all do.  

[damage control]

Arn ... I can only speak for me and my own personal (and very ___ed-up) experiences, but no, money won't change anything.

It may make the replacement seem shiny and new, it may even work for a while to satisfy ... but ultimately, it's not going to fill that gap.

I have jumped from one 'type' to another in the hope of filling what was missing with the last but, it never lasts ... it's futility in action - money ... these are nothing; made up things that 'normal' people measure their worth by ... and the trauma that precedes BPD is anything but normal and money and things do absolutely nothing in the long run. In choosing someone different to you, she is trying to fill something different - or rather looking for a different solution ... but it is just a band-aid, the loneliness and pain will come back and he will either leave her (and fulfill her worst fears) or stay (and become an object of contempt) ... there doesn't seem to be any middle-ground. It is the same story, over and over.

[Findingmysong723]

The flip side of this for the BPD is that the familiar is painful and it is unrequited or cruel or rejecting ... there is no fixing to be had. Either the person withholds love (in which case they become the object of affection to an insane degree) or they give in (in which case, it feels unfamiliar, suspicious and unrewarding) ... there is no winning here.

I remember my Ex telling me the day we decided to get back together, how he always dated "bhites," and maybe he wasn't used to being with someone so sweet and nice. His past relationships he would mention to me were,  his longest term 7 year relationship, which he still sees at family gatherings (I met her) she is best friends with his sister in law and is married and has kids. My Ex brought up how he didn't understand why people stopped talking to each other because they broke up, and she was an example of someone he was still on good terms with, he had gone to her wedding etc. Then there was his "druggie" relationship, then their was the woman before me who was "cold," not really sure if she was or that's how he wanted to make himself the victim. I mean he could say I'm cold because I refused to be friends with him. My Ex did tell me I was the nicest and most caring of his girlfriends or at least of the last two.

Well, I can say I was a good girlfriend and I supported him in his sobriety, and in maybe going back to school and other things he wanted in his life. I always made sure to tell him why he meant so much to me and how proud I was of him. I expressed it in Birthday, Christmas and cards in honor of his sobriety. There were times that I felt like we were becoming a team, making his apartment into a place we both shared, buying food for the apartment, helping with chores, taking care of the cats aka kids. I remember him telling me "I was playing house," but I think it was him because I really wanted to make it work!

[damage control]

FMS

I have no doubt that what you shared was very real and he probably wanted things to work with you ... probably very much.

MY longest r/s of 15 years is one I still mourn. He loved me more than anybody has before or since and even though we had a dramatic time of it for the first 6/7 years ... I will always love him. I sometimes wonder if I threw away the only man who will ever love me unconditionally but, truth be told, if you will pardon the cliche' ... his unconditional love was what made me turn away. I couldn't understand how somebody who really knew me could love me ... he couldn't possibly 'know' me because I didn't/don't even know myself ... was I this woman who had children and responsibilities and was  in grad school building a future? Of course not. I wasn't her, even when I was. And he couldn't see that so, I couldn't love him because he didn't obviously love me because he didn't really know who I was.

[Perfidy]

Luckylady... .You are right on track. These are some of the most complex relationships and oddly enough there is a pattern. What you are concerned about... .the success or failure of a person no longer in your life is part of the program. Perfectly normal. It seems like we all experience this as a feeling of anxiety. It shows that you care. It shows that you still have feelings. Everything in reply to your post has some insight and wisdom regarding life and philosophy in general as well as disordered behavior. We aren't perfect and we make bad choices in partners. These choices can have a profoundly negative effect on our minds and bodies. A time may come when this relationship will be available to you again. You must be prepared to accept that this person will not ever be your partner, as well.  What you are experiencing is the beginning of a process called detachment. I wish you well. This is not an easy thing. I know how hard it is.

Instead of telling you how it's not going to work out with your BPDex I'm going to be very honest with you. He was bad for you. Who cares if it works out. He's none of your business now. You gotta take care of you. With detachment comes healing. We learn better ways. There is lots of love and support here. Be careful though. It's really easy to get more into him than you.

[Findingmysong723]

damage control,

I agree, you just can't win. He is someone in a lot of pain who projected it on to me. He is someone who relapsed with alcohol and drugs after years of sobriety, we started dating 6 months after his relapse . My Ex admitted at the end of our relationship that used to cut himself, I had seen marks but wasn't sure and thought he would let me know when he was ready. He had tried to kill himself, I think his relapse could of been a suicide attempt or a call for help. It's weird how, that when I met him he told me about his relapse and I didn't see it for what it was, something more serious. Maybe, because he made it seem like a mistake and something the he was over. His Mom found him in his apartment he had drank and drank and taken pills and he was taken to the hospital and went to the psych ward. When we started dating he was going to AA and talking to a therapist or a shrink as he referred to her. He had a druggie relationship that got him in trouble with the law, I mean he had a past that was pretty troubled. However, he was a sweet guy who seemed to be getting better, we hung out with his a couple he was friends with that had their life together. However, how could I look at someone and think after 6 months he would have his life together enough to date me. Then you add the push and pull, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse, withdrawing from sex... .anxiety anxiety anxiety... .Oh wait his Dad was abusive alcoholic when he was young and he saw the abuse his Mom went through. Sometimes he would act like a child, almost like he couldn't deal with more intimate adult touching but rather have me lightly touch him arm with my fingers or he would do the same for me. When he was a kid, he was soothed that way, lightly touched... .this wasn't all the time but there were red flags that he was emotionally stunted in certain ways.

UnLuckyLady,

We both can look ourselves in the mirror and know that we gave love and it might of got mixed up in the dysfunction but it originated from a true and loving place! We showed them that there are people who can love and aren't out to hurt them, one day they'll look back and be glad they had it!

[UnLuckyLady]

Thank you ALL for such candid responses.   I sincerely take all if your words, thoughts, opinions and experiences to heart.  Where would I be without these boards? **shudders**

FMS... .You touched on something I have been pondering more and more:   Do they ever look back and regret leaving us or hurting us? Have you guys ever heard of a pwBPD talk about the one who got away?

[arn131arn]

Thank you ALL for such candid responses.   I sincerely take all if your words, thoughts, opinions and experiences to heart.  Where would I be without these boards? **shudders**

FMS... .You touched on something I have been pondering more and more:   Do they ever look back and regret leaving us or hurting us? Have you guys ever heard of a pwBPD talk about the one who got away?

They had a guy earlier this morning on a thread who was BPD and he DID talk about the one that got away.  Then they kicked him off bc he's a hited up miserable motherhiter that's not allowed on these boards... .


But that's where I am at as well, Lady.  I just NEED to know that some day she will look back and appreciate everything I worked hard for to give her... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Thank you ALL for such candid responses.   I sincerely take all if your words, thoughts, opinions and experiences to heart.  Where would I be without these boards? **shudders**

FMS... .You touched on something I have been pondering more and more:   Do they ever look back and regret leaving us or hurting us? Have you guys ever heard of a pwBPD talk about the one who got away?

This was a terrific thread!  Great info indeed.   And UnLucky, you have received the POWER of the bpdfamily!  Which is so amazing!  All of us here can attest to getting great information and support as we've all gone through exactly the same script.  

I'm sure that some pwBPD think, wow, that one got away, but it won't be with the same idea that Nons think.  No, it will be, they got away and I couldn't control it.  Or the Non will be blamed for everything wrong, but then the idealization will kick in once again, and they'll think, wow, they got away.  They were so good to me... .

I'm pretty certain that when my expwBPDgf goes into suicidal depression, I'm going to get that call to come save her once again.   Never again will I respond even to that.   Especially that!  It's the siren call of the double bipolar/borderline to reel me in once again.  Suddenly, I'll be the one that got away because for so many times, I was willing to come back to the house and deal with all of that AGAIN!  

This time, especially with the help of YOU guys, I'm never doing that again.

D

[Turkish]

Thank you ALL for such candid responses.   I sincerely take all if your words, thoughts, opinions and experiences to heart.  Where would I be without these boards? **shudders**

FMS... .You touched on something I have been pondering more and more:   Do they ever look back and regret leaving us or hurting us? Have you guys ever heard of a pwBPD talk about the one who got away?

Mine already has in a way. After her paramour called her phone a month ago as we were sitting down to dinner with our kids, a frank conversation between her and me ensued. She was crying during a lot of it, I wasn't (privately I had been for two months!). I then knew who was stronger and who'd be ok. She told me, "I know your the 'right guy', but I just can't do this [a mature, adult r/s].

As for regret? Possibly... .hence the recycles, though those need to be considered in the context of the disorder.

I expect mine may want to come back after a year or so. I may hear hints of it from her family. I give it about a 25% chance, but it won't be until another failed r/s or two. Don't anybody insult me by asking if I would :^)

[UnLuckyLady]

No Turkish, I can hear the strength in your words alone to know you are climbing your way out one bitten tongue at a time... .for the sake of your children (and your sanity).  Most admirable.

I would just love to believe that someday he says to himself "UnLuckyLady was good to me. Probably the best."  Sad... .but then the disorder would take over and talk him out of those thoughts.  Simply brutal.

[Ironmanrises]

All the accounts on here dating back to 2006 i think, should give you enough evidence that the next relationship will go the route that yours went. It may take longer, may look different on the outside, etc and yet, the outcome at the end is usually, discard. I know that will not take away your hurt. Hang in there unlucky. Know that we know, how you feel. 

[Turkish]

I would just love to believe that someday he says to himself "UnLuckyLady was good to me. Probably the best."  Sad... .but then the disorder would take over and talk him out of those thoughts.  Simply brutal.

If you believe it, then it is true.

[Devin6]

One of the last contacts with ex during breakup phase invovled her saying of my replacement - "My relationship with him is everything to me. With everyone I've been with, I was always thinking about other men. I don't with him."

That stuck with me... .it bored into me... .I was doing fine til she said that. It gave me some way to feel inferior, to feel really weird.

Oh, well then she contacted me tonight and said - "I miss you. I woke up today and regretted leaving you. Don't tell him."

I mean sh1t. It always starts the same. Heavily idealized new relationship. THE ONE to end all others. Of course that won't last long. How long did her "Not thinking about other men" thing last? Less than a week? Of course that tells me another thing. If she's even partly honest that meant she went the better part of a week without thinking about me. Lovely. I spent all this time thinking of her, like a normal person.


Just think of this whenever you wonder if somehow the next is better than you, that you were somehow inadequate: No healthy relationship ever began with lies, deception, and the exaggeration of feelings. There is no honesty with a person that this pwBPD is buttering up with their tried and true script.

The relationships you enter are not about your partner MAKING you better. Even a good therapist isn't responsible for making anyone better. No relationship should be the source of all happiness and contentment for an individual. At the core of their disorder is that absence of self esteem that allows them to exist and be happy alone.

All change begins with the person themselves. Pursuing another dysfunctional relationship to cope with the despair and self loathing within is not going to make this new person "The One".

[Changingman]

Recently discovered my exuBPDbf has met someone else and has cut all contact from me.  Frankly the sporadic contact was unhealthy and I'm fine with that loss (more or less).    But... .I simply cannot stop wandering if this new woman is going to be the one who makes him happy.  The "ONE".  I am beating the crap out of myself emotionally, all though I know I was a really really good girlfriend to him.  Just not enough I guess.

So please... .someone tell me how disastrous this new relationship will turn out... .

You must read more about BPD and reread the articles. There is NO way someone with BPD can have a healthy relationship, it is the key issue with the condition.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.



All this adds up to such a loaded toxic mix there is NO chance.

You are still blaming yourself, are you not good enough?

This is stinking thinking, you are you.

Who blamed/shamed you for being you?

How disasterious will this new relationship be? I know someone who has first hand knowledge of how f***** up and painfull it will be.

YOU

Now get yourself healthy and heal and leave that demon to his tricks.

NO CONTACT

Lose the FOG

find out about yourself again

Love to you and me

[geesunday]

I posted my first time here and it is something similar.

I have been out of the relationship for 6 months with no contact for about 4 months and I stayed friends on social media and saw my ex jump into a relationship 2 months after Break Up and move in with the new BF.

I had to delete the social media contacts because everything I saw was him and her doing all the things she refused to do with me or wouldn't let me do without having a giant meltdown.

So I have been feeling resentful in a way because I feel like this other person doesn't seem to have to deal with any of the chaos that I did.

I dont want bad things for her and I dont want to be involved with her but seeing this new relationship made me wonder why I didn't walk away a lot sooner because she was obviously capable of rebounding without missing a beat. She used to cut herself when I talked about us breaking up and my biggest fear was she was going to hurt herself which is why I stayed in touch with her until I knew she was in another relationship.

I also know the guy is some type of counselor so maybe he knows how to fix her. I dont know. But they seem happy. It just baffles me how someone can switch that fast.