Abandonment/silent treatment

[kelkay]

Do BPD's normally go through periods of abandoning the spouse and/or silent treatment?  The past 5-7 years I have went through the exact, right down to the same words/excuses from him 3 times. This is the third time right now.  We are still together, but living apart. His things are still here except for some clothes. Im 110% sure there is no one else.  He uses threats to leave me, actually does things to make me think he is, which I found out there was no such plan. (He doesnt know that I found out)

His mother abandoned him at age 13 and since she is back in his life, these episodes happen.  He has all other symptoms of NPD, and I guess  BPD can be similar? He rages, he is from one mood to another quickly.  I am not combative at all with him. I overlook everything now other than fight. As that never ever ended well.

Is this game (what I call it, since it seems so)  a normal behavior?  The fear tactic of "Im leaving you" ? Im heartbroken over all of this. Its lasted 2 months, it was that long before, but this time its about to set a record.

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[elemental]

 

I saw somewhere on this site that BPD/NPD are often together, mostly with men.

Probably if you do a search on google, it will pop up there, too.

Are you married?

My boyfriend uses the silent treatment on a regular basis. Most often he uses it when he is emotionally overwhelmed: mad, depressed, sad, exhausted. typically he does it to ME when I get mad at him and directly show that frustration by trying to talk to him about things he doesn't want to talk about. In terms of what they call it here, I get very anxious and JADE.

This silent treatment happened in a big way... silent treatment 3-4 weeks, 3 times in the last year. In smaller ways, in the last year probably 6-7 times for about a week to 10 days.

What appears to be setting your guy off with you? Usually when people threaten things, they are trying to intimidate you into something.

Is he at his mom's now?

Have you been trying to talk to him? Is he refusing any response, or... .

Mine is currently on a business trip. He went from outright refusing to talk to me, to telling me how awful I am, to doing something really lovely for me for Christmas and then refusing to talk, to making expressions of love, but still is mostly not in contact.

I used to get really upset and try and beat on the silent treatment to get any response I could. These days, though, when I realize he won't respond, I just go quiet myself and get on with my own things. I know that usually after a couple of weeks, he will be ready to re-engage. This is a good place to learn how to communicate better so as to keep things from setting them off.

I am hopeful. Mine is taking longer than usual, too. So I am right there with you.

[kelkay]

Zencat, we have been living together for 15 years. Each time he does this he has been away from me.  He is an hour away from me, In my hometown working.  He has told me that he will not come back as long as Im here. The same thing as the other two times. He is talking to me, and comes here and pays bills. He recently started being really nice again, as opposed to evil, but this time I have no clue what he is going to do. I thought he was doing this, each time, just to get control of me as maybe he feels like he is losing control.

I am more than sure there is no one else, thats the one stable thing I can count on.

He has stopped telling me to leave, hasnt raged in a bit but he is still not home.  Im tired of not knowing, im tired of waking up with knots in my stomach.

He starts this situation off with "what are you going to do with your life". Every single time he has started with that statement. From there, Im at the the gates of hell. And it comes out of the blue. He was and has been more stressed each time he does this.

Now, when I see him its like he tries to hide his smile, but cannot do it when he looks at me. I have no clue what thats about. Its like someone trying to be mad at you, but they cant keep the act up and they crack a smile and start laughing. Thats exactly what he is doing now. I have no idea,  but it kind of seems like he is thinking " what i have done has got her under control".

[Sarah83]

I understand your pain and situation more than I can even begin to express.  My husband does the silent treatment to me too.  It usually lasts 4-5 days, and I thought that was long! I couldn't imagine going weeks.  I have a hard time not pushing him to try and talk to me because I suffer from terrible anxiety, and have my own set of abandonment issues.  He too was abandoned by his parents and a very young age, and within the last few years his dad has not only returned to his life, but they have become completely enmeshed with each other.  He actually lives with us, as well as his grandmother that raised him, who any thought of not having both of them there triggers a nasty fight as if I'm trying to take them away from him.  I don't know how to just let him not speak to me and process however he needs to, so it makes things worse. They fights get so nasty because he knows how to set me off when I have held my composure for a long time.  As of tonight, he wants a divorce from me because I'm not tough enough on my daughter (his stepdaughter) and there is no changing his mind.  It is killing me right now, as I am 8 months pregnant with our first mutual child and in preterm labor as is from all the stess I have endured throughout this pregnancy.  I feel your pain. I wish I had answers for you, and myself.  I know that gut wrenching feeling you wake up with.  It's like when I read many of these stories on here, I feel like they are talking about my husband directly.  I hope you have remedy to your situation soon. Hang in there

[kelkay]

Sarah83, I never knew people could be so cruel until I went through these situations. "Not changing his mind" has been said to me each time. And with you being pregnant, Im sure the hormones do not help out. 

[Sarah83]

It is incredibly painful. My hormones are so out of whack and he can't understand that.  I don't want my baby to come out of me because I can protect her from all this inside.  I don't want to lose him. This is the most confusing thing I have ever had to deal with, not to mentio painful.

[Seneca]

Silent treatments and rages are considered the opposite side of the same coin. They both have the same effect on you. It is another tool in the manipulation/fear/ isolation arsenal that BPDs use on their victims. I am so so sorry that you are in this situation and having a child with this person. One of the top ten worst days of my life was the day I told him I was pregnant with our first daughter. The pregnancy was so threatening to him.

I'll be thinking about you. Take care of that baby... . nothing is more important than your children 

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, kellyK, I get a similar treatment, but mainly in the spring and summer.

My uBPDh doesn't tell me he is leaving me or threaten to divorce me. However, since we have a long-distance marriage, he is able to walk out on me and leave town, pull a disappearing act, refuse my phone calls and leave texts unanswered for weeks at a time. The abandonment has been so painful for me that I have filed for divorce once and on another occasion I paid for a divorce kit online. In both cases I lost lots of money to add to my heartache. It used to make me suspect infidelity, but I realized over time as you have that he was just "hiding out," like Hitler in his bunker.

He typically antagonizes and baits me into an argument to begin one of these episodes. He uses my reaction to justify the abandonment. From your description, you seem too calm to fall into this trap and I applaud you for it. I am still trying to learn the self-control (and maintain the sobriety) that will keep me totally "above" his BP projection and paranoia.

I'm sorry that this happens to you around the winter holidays. I can at least count on good behavior from my H this time of year. He would not want to be alone and is very appreciative of having a family with whom to celebrate (my two kids from before our r/s).

[elemental]

Sarah, I would just ignore that man with his divorce threats and go about my business. He is bullying and trying to get a response out of you so he can be pleased about it.  Absolutely cruel thing to threaten to abandon a pregnant women. Very scary when you are trying to have a safe place for a newborn. Are you socially isolated right now or do you have a support system you can call on?  

Kellykaye, what does your husband mean when he is asking you what you are going to do with the rest of your life? I have a lot of anxiety issues too. Panic attacks which had died down in the last few months... started back up again. That anxiety feels terrible.

Seneca I am glad you reminded me that I should stop feeding into his silent treatment. I got lead astray by him because he keeps alternating doing things for me and talking with sitting there refusing to speak. I am actually pretty ticked off at him for it this evening.