smoke/mirrors

[arn131arn]

We have all been replaced at some point. Some quicker than others. I see a light thru the fog tho distant/faint. I know a group that my ex triangulated with may be on to her. They may know she is not the innocent waif she appears to be. My question is, if BPD repeats itself in all relationships, at what time do the fangs come out? When does their new RS implode? I am scared to death of my 101st recycle, so maybe knowing when an attempt would occur I can prepare to call in my reinforcements

[just_think]

There's no set schedule, but they can only hold a facade for around 3 months. Anything more and it is terribly taxing. Now, that doesn't take into effect how codependent their new partner is so there's really no way of telling when it will implode. Work on yourself now and you won't have to deal with a recycle attempt because you will be ready.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, JT. I dont think the replacement is very co dependent. He's 10 yrs older than her, very successful, and womanizer. I am starting to see a P on the 10th. That coupled with this website, working out, eating/sleeping right. But I AM scared to death

[Surnia]

You mean, scared about a recycle? Or something else?

[arn131arn]

You mean, scared about a recycle? Or something else?

Yes, Surnia.  Scared of a recycle.  The new guy's M.O. is love em and leave em.  I start seeing my P on Jan 10th, so this site is all the support I have.  I have my confidence, drive, and goals back.  I know the show must go on.  I am trying to accept that it is over, yet, I know I am not strong enough to go back again.

Thanks

[Surnia]

Together with all us here you will make it safe till 10th!

Should she do any attempt: Take some deep breathings and ask here first. Trust yourself and your confidence. 

[myself]

You mean, scared about a recycle? Or something else?

Yes, Surnia.  Scared of a recycle.  The new guy's M.O. is love em and leave em.  I start seeing my P on Jan 10th, so this site is all the support I have.  I have my confidence, drive, and goals back.  I know the show must go on.  I am trying to accept that it is over, yet, I know I am not strong enough to go back again.

Thanks

Arn, don't worry about anyone else's M.O., only your own. You have your confidence, drive, and goals back! Stick with those. Accepting it is over and detaching will help you with your strength. The best direction for you to go now is not backwards. Remember the list of things she did that hurt you, that damaged your relationship beyond repair, and most importantly, the list of things you feel good about yourself and all the progress you are making. As Surnia said, post here before making any rushed decisions.

[Pretty Woman]

Arn,

 About a month into my relationship my ex was talking to the ex before me. The ex she described as a sex addict who she had to change her number to get away from.

I didn't put two and two together until about a month later that this was the ex who was supposedly "stalking" her. I had to start writing things down and keeping a calendar so I could keep things straight.

How did this stalker ex all of a sudden get her new number? #1

Then, she is talking to another ex who is going through a divorce. All of a sudden her phone is on lock down.

#2

So throughout my relationship my ex was in constant contact with two exes confiding all sorts of stuff about me with them (long distance Triangulation). #3 As soon as the one divorced she dropped me like a potato and ran off states away to be with her.

She returned a month later.  Then a few months later found a replacement here and dropped me completely.

This is what happens.

Mine seemed to dump me every three months. I would say things started to slide after the end of month two when her anger came out.

By the end of my relationship I find out when I was just starting to date my ex, the "stalker ex" was in the process of moving here to be with her. They were still together in this poor woman's mind!  #4

[Perfidy]

Hey arn how you been? Hope your new year is going well. 2013 sucked for me but it gave me a new foundation to build on and I'm looking forward to good things in 14.

You know, from reading your posts in this thread it would appear that there is a kind of scenario that you have worked out. You know the situation better than any one else. One thing that can help you with your recovery is honesty. Not to her or your son or anyone else but your self. In reading what you wrote it seems like your expecting an opportunity to have another go around. It hasn't been that long for you and this would only be natural right now, given the nature of a BPD relationship. That bond is a mother f'er to break. You are doing all of the right things, exercise, diet, rest,etc... . These things combat depression and help you feel better. They will not break that bond. Your psychiatrist can guide you along but he cannot break that bond. You can go no contact until the universe is nothing but black holes and time has come to a standstill but that bond will remain. That's how strong it is. I know what you are up against. I'm facing the same. I have lost complete track of her. I have no idea what is going on in her life. I have been zero contact for about six months. I have been working with a counselor... A certified mental health professional. Exercising twice a day every day, easy on the alcohol, eating healthy, posting here, getting support for my emotional well being, dating, working my butt off, concentrating on my healing, helping others, focusing on my self, and I feel a whole bunch better. The bond is still there. We bonded in an extremely complex way. Our minds are tricky. It takes time arn. I know how hard it is. Fourteen years is quite a while. You have put your heart and soul into it. Your blood sweat and tears are in it. You don't want to let it go but you know you have to. You have to know... . you are grieving, shock and denial are the first to emerge. It's a process and if you understand this it does make it easier and it will get better. I'm telling you this because there is another part of the process that sucks way more than the shock and denial. Getting stuck in any part of this process is unhealthy. I believe you are right on track. Inventory can help with the denial. Seriously, the shock is so much and so hard for us to process that denial kicks in as a defense mechanism. A cushion for the shock. Take your time. Experience all of these feelings and don't try to rush. There is no way to fast track it. You can slow it down and get stuck but you cannot speed it up. This is not a big secret. Humans have been grieving since the dawn of time and we are all here to love one another and to help each other.

[goldylamont]

Hey arn how you been? Hope your new year is going well. 2013 sucked for me but it gave me a new foundation to build on and I'm looking forward to good things in 14.

You know, from reading your posts in this thread it would appear that there is a kind of scenario that you have worked out. You know the situation better than any one else. One thing that can help you with your recovery is honesty. Not to her or your son or anyone else but your self. In reading what you wrote it seems like your expecting an opportunity to have another go around. It hasn't been that long for you and this would only be natural right now, given the nature of a BPD relationship. That bond is a mother f'er to break. You are doing all of the right things, exercise, diet, rest,etc... . These things combat depression and help you feel better. They will not break that bond. Your psychiatrist can guide you along but he cannot break that bond. You can go no contact until the universe is nothing but black holes and time has come to a standstill but that bond will remain. That's how strong it is. I know what you are up against. I'm facing the same. I have lost complete track of her. I have no idea what is going on in her life. I have been zero contact for about six months. I have been working with a counselor... A certified mental health professional. Exercising twice a day every day, easy on the alcohol, eating healthy, posting here, getting support for my emotional well being, dating, working my butt off, concentrating on my healing, helping others, focusing on my self, and I feel a whole bunch better. The bond is still there. We bonded in an extremely complex way. Our minds are tricky. It takes time arn. I know how hard it is. Fourteen years is quite a while. You have put your heart and soul into it. Your blood sweat and tears are in it. You don't want to let it go but you know you have to. You have to know... . you are grieving, shock and denial are the first to emerge. It's a process and if you understand this it does make it easier and it will get better. I'm telling you this because there is another part of the process that sucks way more than the shock and denial. Getting stuck in any part of this process is unhealthy. I believe you are right on track. Inventory can help with the denial. Seriously, the shock is so much and so hard for us to process that denial kicks in as a defense mechanism. A cushion for the shock. Take your time. Experience all of these feelings and don't try to rush. There is no way to fast track it. You can slow it down and get stuck but you cannot speed it up. This is not a big secret. Humans have been grieving since the dawn of time and we are all here to love one another and to help each other.

damn perfidy, that was a really beautiful post. i truly enjoyed it.

[Aussie0zborn]

... . I know a group that my ex triangulated with may be on to her. They may know she is not the innocent waif she appears to be... .

Hey Arn, hang in there. You are doing everything right and you're off to a good start.

As for the quote above, my answer is... . so what? Who cares? Try thinking about why you even care about this. If you put as much thought into creating an Ebay store as you do into thinking about her, you could be the world's next Ebay millionaire.

I wouldn't  have thought you could predict with any accuracy when the next recycle attempt will occur. Just consider that it will and when it does occur you can waste your time entertaining it or you can use that time to get yourself to where you're going. They're the two options but only one option is in your favour.

[laelle]

I would highly suggest reading. "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

It was recommended here a few days ago, and I got it for my Kindle.  It shows you the ugly reality of abusers and what abusers think and how they feel.

Its content is freeing, and has been very much worth the read.  Only a small portion of abusers are BPD, even tho alot use an "illness" for attention and to be able to "excuse" their actions.