And... I looked at HIS FB Page

[Turkish]

I blocked her a while ago. But like a dog returning to its vomit, I found his "handle" from the browser history. For those of you new: me=early 40s, she=early 30s, him=early 20s college student. She and I have S(almost4) and D1.5. Never married.

He has Bible verses plastered on his page, all of these pics like God Is Love, then a pic of two love birds cuddling, along with some other peaceful type cover photos (all of the other photos are blocked). She told me he as originally in foster care. he had expressed interest in meeting S3 (not D1?). That was back when I thought we could work things out and I asked her to tell me about her affair/not affair (since we weren't married).

What I conclude? Probably some type of PD or traits (most likely attachment disorder, like a lot of foster kids develop). He's a football player, so maybe in his mind he balances out getting his rage out on the field with the lovey-dovey stuff. But the thing I really get from it is that he, like her, is a Love Addict.

I guess that makes them perfect for each other. She proved my point about not being able to have a teen romance and raise kids. This is due to her checking out of the household and pulling back from the kids (she would deny this, but I was there), though she's kind of "come back" over the past few weeks and re-engaged in the household and is spending a lot more time with the kids. She had that r/s, while I took over almost all responsibilities for the home, except for her occasional cleaning sprees, and also took care of the kids far more.

Who knows? Maybe it will work out between them. Or maybe she will keep him just as a friend or "friend with benefits" while she thinks she will work on herself (I heard her playing another one of those motivational videos last night). I guess I need to let this go. Perhaps he is indeed better for her, on her level of emotional maturity, and it will work for a time. She and I lasted 6 years, after all, mostly due to the shared desire of having kids, I think. With me half raising the kids (though I think it will be more, just a feeling... . ), he won't have the stress of responsibility, so maybe she'll still use me as the target for her just not quite boiling rages and anger over little things, to save him that side of her, though I think he will still get some.

She had interviews on a new place. S3 keeps talking about wanting to go to his "new home" (breaks my heart... . but he splits time at our house and his grandma's, so he'll get used to it). This will be my life now. I need to embrace it. Not love it, but not hate it either.

[Waifed]

Ugh... . It sounds like her new romance is slowly fading already.  Unfortunately, for you sanity leaving is the only option.  It is such a dreaded disease.  It should be called "Nobody Wins" PD.

[Turkish]

Ugh... . It sounds like her new romance is slowly fading already.  Unfortunately, for you sanity leaving is the only option.  It is such a dreaded disease.  It should be called "Nobody Wins" PD.

That's the impression I get from her sudden re-engagement into our family now (not to me, of course)... . along with her little angers directed at me all of a sudden, after being quite peaceful on the outside for the past few months. She was checking his FB page though and may have been messaging him. I saw it was his b/d yesterday (came up on her Skype account, which is always open on our computer, so I saw the alert, even though she skypes from her phone after I confronted her a few weeks ago about it. She stayed out all night on NYE. Could have been going out with gf co-workers as she said (plausible), or could have been with him, or the first and then the second. Who knows? As long as it isn't thrown in my face as it was, I can hack it for another few weeks, it looks like.

Even if it is fading, she will want to keep him as a "friend" to talk to. Not about what is going on with her being "sick", her depressions and therapy, of course (pretty sure I am the only one like she says she talks about in depth about it... . she'd have to know someone for a long, long time to open up about her family's secrets like she did to me). I know how she attaches to men. Even if we could have worked it out, she would have wanted to keep in contact with him, which would have been unacceptable.

Anyway, thanks for the response, Waifed. Can't wait until the Waif of my Life is gone from my house... . I spent most of the day alone at home yesterday while she took the kids out. It felt really weird. I will get rid of a lot of her stuff and repaint a couple of rooms probably the day she is gone. Mope and Change.

[Grissum69]

Why go through all of that?  I had my Ex blocked but unblocked her just recently...     she blocked me though...       Right now it doesn't matter anymore, I don't know about you but I have been gathering info like no tomorrow about BPD.  I chat with others on a FB support group page that have BPD so I can understand more.   She is gone and probably won't come back who knows, I have the skills and am gaining more as I go to better myself but stay knowledgeable about BPD.   Do I miss her. Hell yeah but I can't do anything for her until she wants to do something about her illness.  You can put lipstick on a pig as many times as you please, in the end it's still a pig.  

[Turkish]

Why go through all of that?  I had my Ex blocked but unblocked her just recently...     she blocked me though...       Right now it doesn't matter anymore, I don't know about you but I have been gathering info like no tomorrow about BPD.  I chat with others on a FB support group page that have BPD so I can understand more.   She is gone and probably won't come back who knows,

Considering I am still friends with her family and a few of her friends I know and like, joining that page would be... . stating to the world what I think. Tempted though... . but for the kids, I need to keep good relations with her immediate family. I get sympathy, though I don't look for it. They know the kids are #1. They also know this was 90% her. They have known her rages and depressions their whole lives. Lots of pain and denial about other things in that family though, but it was worse in the past. It's still a safe household for my kids to interact in.

[Grissum69]

Ahh.  ok I forgot there were children involved

[Waifed]

Ugh... . It sounds like her new romance is slowly fading already.  Unfortunately, for you sanity leaving is the only option.  It is such a dreaded disease.  It should be called "Nobody Wins" PD.

That's the impression I get from her sudden re-engagement into our family now (not to me, of course)... . along with her little angers directed at me all of a sudden, after being quite peaceful on the outside for the past few months. She was checking his FB page though and may have been messaging him. I saw it was his b/d yesterday (came up on her Skype account, which is always open on our computer, so I saw the alert, even though she skypes from her phone after I confronted her a few weeks ago about it. She stayed out all night on NYE. Could have been going out with gf co-workers as she said (plausible), or could have been with him, or the first and then the second. Who knows? As long as it isn't thrown in my face as it was, I can hack it for another few weeks, it looks like.

Even if it is fading, she will want to keep him as a "friend" to talk to. Not about what is going on with her being "sick", her depressions and therapy, of course (pretty sure I am the only one like she says she talks about in depth about it... . she'd have to know someone for a long, long time to open up about her family's secrets like she did to me). I know how she attaches to men. Even if we could have worked it out, she would have wanted to keep in contact with him, which would have been unacceptable.

Anyway, thanks for the response, Waifed. Can't wait until the Waif of my Life is gone from my house... . I spent most of the day alone at home yesterday while she took the kids out. It felt really weird. I will get rid of a lot of her stuff and repaint a couple of rooms probably the day she is gone. Mope and Change.

The loneliness was the hardest for me.  It was so painful.  You never realize how much company your partner is until they are no longer in your life.  Little things like going to dinner with them (instead of by yourself) really are magnified once it is gone.  I know people always say to stay busy so you don't think about it.  I heard that a hundred times.  I finally realized that IT IS A TRUE STATEMENT!  There is also an article on the board that talks about the mind and how things are kept in you head like a filing system.  Read it.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0 It teaches you to manually open files in your head so that the "bad" files are put back up.  This was my biggest issue and depression causes you to automatically open bad files.  Keep busy until the hurt is gone.  

I now look forward to my time alone.  It took about 3-1/2 months for me to get to this point.  It will help you a lot when the kids are there.  I felt so much better when my kids were with me (still does).   I now do what I want.  I work out more, hang out with my friends again, have been re energized at work, and I'm trying to decide what hobbies I want to pick up.  :)ating will come when I am ready.  I feel no need to rush it.  I don't want to share myself with anyone right now.

This is not where I wanted to be in life, but it is a step up from the lying, cheating, and all the craziness of just 4 months ago.   THE HURT AND PAIN HAS GONE AWAY and that is worth its weight in gold!  Life is good.  I keep telling myself that.  

[Turkish]

 thanks again Waifed. I  hope I'm where you are at in a few months. I  love it when D1  comes home and it's so excited to see me. I wouldn't have as much problem being alone if it weren't for the kids. I  think I will miss things more when they are not there,  but I will throw myself into doing cheap changes to the house, riding my bike more (I  hate commuting on it),  maybe looking for a place to make new friends that is close since mine are 2 to 3  hours away.  also taking day trips with the kids to local sights that I  usually dreaded due to her stressing out over even little things like going to the mall.  won't miss the WoE  one bit.  I'll keep that in the forefront of my mind should I start missing her.

[maxen]

The loneliness was the hardest for me.  It was so painful.  You never realize how much company your partner is until they are no longer in your life.  Little things like going to dinner with them (instead of by yourself) really are magnified once it is gone.

oh oh god, i never imagined how intertwined we were - or i was with her - until she bolted. it has been a daily hell.

[goldylamont]

Turkish i'm guilty too of looking at the other guys' fb page. this stopped a long time ago for me but during the first few months apart. it was always painful, but overall validating in a way. not necessarily looking at their pages, but just the whole Inspector Gadget aspect of seeing her go through these turbulent r/s with other men and destroying them in even less time than ours. i'm completely blocked and de-friended her on fb now so it's easier to resist temptation, although i'm not really tempted anymore. i have all the info i need now. and i think that this is an important place to reach, one where you feel like you have all the info you need to draw the conclusions you need to.

i respectfully suggest that you are in the FOG a bit about this new r/s of hers though. nothing that she's told you, good or bad about this guy or their r/s is the truth or the whole truth. things could be terrible and she'll tell you she's on top of the world. or he could be really great to her and she'll say things to minimize/devalue him. this is just what they do to other people. it's not about him, he's not a better 'match' for her just like you weren't. there is no better 'match' in fact, just replacements. you'll see this all fall apart, especially since this guy seems stuck on stupid with love, you have to pity him. a football player, young with a seemingly golden heart--he's going to be hurting soon. i dunno, i couldn't resist trying to compare myself to the next couple bfs my ex had and i'm glad in my case i could see that none of them really had any outstanding qualities that i don't have myself. she would try and say different of course to try and be hurtful but she's loony and treated them worse than me. i guess what i'm saying is try not to figure out who this guy is or judge him because she is lying to him and presenting things as they are not and it's hard to judge someone who simply doesn't know the truth.

aaaand, if you feel yourself getting weak and wanting to check out his fb page again--i say do some mental gymnastics to try and get something out of it. of course, it's best to just block things and never visit it again. buuuut, if you do, well i did this and it really helped--if i saw any type of picture or words that would trigger me to feeling bad/anxious, then i would leave them visible and then work to clear my mind. i would really sit with and try to understand what i was feeling--was it anger? anguish? jealousy? then i could close my eyes and just sit with the feeling and accept it. then i could look at whatever was triggering me again, and it would affect me less. repeat several times until you feel you've fully experienced the emotion and are able to let most of it go.

i've recommended this before--i call it the "If You're Gonna Do What You're Not Supposed To Do, Then You Might As Well Get Something Out of It, Method". or the IYGDWYNSTDTYMAWGSOOI Method ©™®   

[Turkish]

Turkish i'm guilty too of looking at the other guys' fb page. this stopped a long time ago for me but during the first few months apart. it was always painful, but overall validating in a way. not necessarily looking at their pages, but just the whole Inspector Gadget aspect of seeing her go through these turbulent r/s with other men and destroying them in even less time than ours. i'm completely blocked and de-friended her on fb now so it's easier to resist temptation, although i'm not really tempted anymore. i have all the info i need now. and i think that this is an important place to reach, one where you feel like you have all the info you need to draw the conclusions you need to.

i respectfully suggest that you are in the FOG a bit about this new r/s of hers though. nothing that she's told you, good or bad about this guy or their r/s is the truth or the whole truth. things could be terrible and she'll tell you she's on top of the world. or he could be really great to her and she'll say things to minimize/devalue him. this is just what they do to other people. it's not about him, he's not a better 'match' for her just like you weren't. there is no better 'match' in fact, just replacements. you'll see this all fall apart, especially since this guy seems stuck on stupid with love, you have to pity him. a football player, young with a seemingly golden heart--he's going to be hurting soon. i dunno, i couldn't resist trying to compare myself to the next couple bfs my ex had and i'm glad in my case i could see that none of them really had any outstanding qualities that i don't have myself. she would try and say different of course to try and be hurtful but she's loony and treated them worse than me. i guess what i'm saying is try not to figure out who this guy is or judge him because she is lying to him and presenting things as they are not and it's hard to judge someone who simply doesn't know the truth.

aaaand, if you feel yourself getting weak and wanting to check out his fb page again--i say do some mental gymnastics to try and get something out of it. of course, it's best to just block things and never visit it again. buuuut, if you do, well i did this and it really helped--if i saw any type of picture or words that would trigger me to feeling bad/anxious, then i would leave them visible and then work to clear my mind. i would really sit with and try to understand what i was feeling--was it anger? anguish? jealousy? then i could close my eyes and just sit with the feeling and accept it. then i could look at whatever was triggering me again, and it would affect me less. repeat several times until you feel you've fully experienced the emotion and are able to let most of it go.

i've recommended this before--i call it the "If You're Gonna Do What You're Not Supposed To Do, Then You Might As Well Get Something Out of It, Method". or the IYGDWYNSTDTYMAWGSOOI Method ©™®   

Thanks goldy ( and everyone). I  still think three is more to this kid than meets the eye,  but u admit I am biased. I  found something two months ago she wrote to him. "Turkish  has been nicer to me lately, I  think therapy is helping him."  so yeah,  she probably misrepresented  our outright lied about a lot of things. I  still would never have done those things and was a hell of s lot further along and more mature in life at the same age,  but he might be more like me than I think. I  like your method!