Can you check out my story?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

I just posted on the new member page. (Man that felt good!). It's a long post but it's what I've been going through for years and I would appreciate any thoughts or advice. Here's my intro post with my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216871.0

Thanks everyone. May 2014 be a year of peace, answers and healing!

[Surnia]

Hi SeekingAdviceinCa

and 

What a difficult relationship! I feel for you. You came a long way, and I am really glad you found us here. 

I think this is very important to keep in mind for yourself:

I've done my best.  EVERY day.

What about contact attempts from her side?

And yes, may 2014 be a year of healing and peace for yourself!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Seeking, I read your intro story and really feel for you. You've been together for your entire adult lives, so even though it's been a difficult ordeal, it is natural for you to still feel like you want her. I think almost everybody here remembers the good times and wishes they could have just the good times without any of the bad times.

You said you're separated, so like Surnia asked, are you two in contact? Have you decided on a certain path in your mind as to what you want between you and her?

I'm sorry for why you're here but glad you've found our community and hope we can offer you some understanding and support. 

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thank you Surnia and Learning Curve!  I really appreciate the comments and support. I'm so glad I found these forums.

Like I said in my original story, she moved 7 hours away and agreed to a "trial separation" and promised to try and work on us and there was to be no seeing anyone else during this six months. The agreement was we were still married and would act like we're married.

She does NOT know that I know about all the men she's been with since the move. (It's at least 8) and I'm terrified to confront her. We are trying to finalize a legal separation and I need things to be cordial. I was reaching out and communicating a lot almost always being the one to initiate a contact. Because she was secretly seeing these other men she would avoid contact with me, was short and distant, and often too "busy" to talk.  I finally figured out what she's been up to.

After posting my story today and reading other's comments I found the strength (dare I say felt empowered) to not contact her today (why should I, she's been rude, short, lying through her teeth and secretly screwing other guys). So when she texted this afternoon that she had a sore throat and work was slow (her texts to me lately have been to complain about something or have something to do with herself) I didn't respond. It felt good. Then tonight she texted if everything was ok. (I NEVER not respond) Again, I didn't respond. Then she called and Face Timed and sent messages on Facebook. I. Did. Not.  Respond. For the first time in 14 years I made myself unavailable. Now I don't know if I'll be punished later for this but really I don't care. It was an important step for me. I don't have to talk to this person who has treated me the way she has. I don't have to be sweet and caring every single day to try and be on her good side.

Moving forward how should I approach this limited contact I started today?  I know I'll get weak again.

Based on what I've shared, does it seem like she is a possible BPD candidate?

[Surnia]

Yes, SAC, its possible she is suffering from BPD, I have to add something you may know, nobody beside a health professional is qualified to make a diagnosis.

I think more important is that you trust your guts and values. Having affairs behind your back is not a sign for a healthy committed relationship, no matter what the diagnosis would be.

I have mixed feelings about confront her. If its important for yourself okay. Than perhaps some thoughts about the form and not going into arguments.

Lets see what others will say about this.

We are here for you to maintain limited contact. What moments will make you weak, what do you think?

[Aussie0zborn]

... . Now I don't know if I'll be punished later for this but really I don't care. It was an important step for me. I don't have to talk to this person who has treated me the way she has. I don't have to be sweet and caring every single day to try and be on her good side... .

Hi and welcome. Let me say firstly that had I found this forum early on I would have been in a good place right now. Use it and learn from others' experiences.

I haven't read your introductory post but the sentences I quoted above resonated with me and I would like to comment on them. Firstly, who is she to PUNISH YOU when she is doing the wrong thing? When you break free and make progress in your healing you will see how wrong this is and how your mindset is skewed the wrong way.

No you don't have to be sweet and caring every single day when you're being treated badly but because that's the pattern we set up and adhere to religiously, trying to change that will give you a lot of grief. And then the FOG sets in, yet again, and we continue being the happy host.

When you're ready, cut your losses, break free and reclaim your power. You can do it silently by not saying a word (they hate being ignored) or you can make a lot of noise about it and win a short battle but lose the war.

Eight lovers in six months? Damn... . I wish I was that lucky!

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Surnia,

She is masterful at turning things around.  She's in communications so she knows her way with words. 

I know, somehow, if I were to confront her about all the cheating she's been doing it would land straight back in my lap.  It's the same feeling I've always had with her... . the feeling that I just can't win.

I'm definitely not going to initiate contact like I was.  I had been frequently contacting her because she had promised to try and work on the relationship during this trial separation.  (It's pretty hard to do that when she's secretly screwing other men ha).  I'm tired of feeling like I have to suck up to her (when she's the one in the wrong!)  Life shouldn't feel this backwards.  I shouldn't have to make things right when she messes up (and I did that for all these years).  Gosh I have been such a fool all these years.

[seeking balance]

Surnia,

She is masterful at turning things around.  She's in communications so she knows her way with words. 

Mine was a phd sociologist, her words were way better than mine.  I had to learn to follow actions not words so that I could gain my balance and my own life back.

I know, somehow, if I were to confront her about all the cheating she's been doing it would land straight back in my lap.  It's the same feeling I've always had with her... . the feeling that I just can't win.

You won't ever win, her ability to distort the truth and put the blame back in your lap will always win.  The only way to win is not to play.  Sorry if this sounds harsh, it is a fact in this dynamic - the sooner you can accept this fact as true, the better for you to recover.

I'm definitely not going to initiate contact like I was.  I had been frequently contacting her because she had promised to try and work on the relationship during this trial separation.  (It's pretty hard to do that when she's secretly screwing other men ha).  I'm tired of feeling like I have to suck up to her (when she's the one in the wrong!)  Life shouldn't feel this backwards.  I shouldn't have to make things right when she messes up (and I did that for all these years).  Gosh I have been such a fool all these years.

I know how hard this is, to love someone, yet have to be the one to end it.  It is very, very hard - but you will be ok again.

When I was where you are now - I had printed out article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

False Beliefs that keep up stuck.

I would read and reread these anytime I wanted contact as it was ALWAYS a false belief that had me hooked.

Take care and 

SB

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Seeking Balance,

THANK YOU.  Sincerely.  It's comforting to hear others reinforce what I already know deep down, that I cannot win.  The advice on following actions over words is excellent. 

Were you able to read my story?  (It's long ha)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216871.0


Thanks again.  This board is already providing me needed help and I just started yesterday.

[seeking balance]

Were you able to read my story?  (It's long ha)

yes

What did you think of article 9 - can you see yourself in any of those False Beliefs?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Seeking Balance -

YES.  Amazingly, I related to every single one of them.  What does that say? 

[Learning_curve74]

What did you think of article 9 - can you see yourself in any of those False Beliefs?

YES.  Amazingly, I related to every single one of them.  What does that say? 

Doesn't that just mean you're emotionally attached and thus struggling and that's why you're here on the forum, SeekingAdviceinCa? You certainly aren't the only person who identifies with those ten beliefs in the article seeking balance posted. I think most of us stuck on the Leaving board identify or identified with many of them.

One of the hardest things to accept is that maybe your wife will never change. That isn't easy to accept because it can be a very sobering and heartbreaking thought. It seems like you understand that for things to change, that you can only change yourself: Isn't that what you did by changing up the dynamic in your communication when you didn't reply to her?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Very true learning curve.

I want to detach.  I don't trust this person any more.  And when I changed the communication yesterday, it felt good.  (I must admit, I was a little uncomfortable, but it felt good).

I think I've tried for 14 years and things have just gotten worse.  I think this proves that she can't change.  Only I can.

[seeking balance]

I think I've tried for 14 years and things have just gotten worse.  I think this proves that she can't change.  Only I can.

These are very powerful words you used right here -and the key to your eventual happiness and peace is right here.

Change is scary, hard and painful - but think of a caterpillar, with change comes the butterfly - you will be ok, keep reading, keep processing, stay in therapy.

You are not alone, all of us were in your shoes at one point.

Peace,

SB

[partyhat]

right on brother step one done you can do it as I do too.