So disappointed and feel like need to change board

[bpdsupport]

Hello all,

All she says is that I need to leave and I am the problem and she wants out. I told her that I am not going to leave. I live here and I am not going to abbandon my kids. She goes off at me again telling me that she doesn't feel abandoned. She cursed me out and yelling at me to leave and our daughter started crying telling her that she doesn't want Daddy to leave. I asked her if she sees what's going on and if she's aware of what she's doing right now? No answer... This all started when I said that I feel really sick, coughing, headache, tired and need to take a nap in our bedroom for couple of hours(she has kicked me out of our bedroom and I been sleeping on the couch for a week now.) also she tells me that I have no rights in regards to making decisions for our kids school etc, and I can't take them to my parents.

It makes me so stressed out, disappointed and sad. I don't know what do to... . I am so close to switch board...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

I would sit tight for now. Don't let her throw you out; you may not get back in. Refuse to engage in any kind of argument. Whether the marriage survives or not, it's best to stay in your home.

I don't know how she manages to keep you out of your bed and make you sleep on the couch. Can you retire early (before she does) so that you are already in bed before she gets a chance to banish you? Then if she finds you in bed and objects, just act really groggy, like you have fallen asleep already.

[SweetCharlotte]

Above, I meant that I don't know what means she employs to keep you out of the bedroom. If possible, head her off by making it a non-issue. You are there and that's that.

[kelkay]

Ive been through your situation except for the kicking me out of the bedroom part.  He will sleep on the couch if he gets in that evil mood. But as far as what you feel, Im pretty sure Ive been there.Actually, im there now, he is not staying here.

All I do is wait for the mood to change. I do not have kids, so I cant be of much help there. When I say  "wait for the mood to change"  Im not talking about your normal bad mood. I mean the screaming, yelling and mean things that are said that cuts you to the bone.

I think they go through cycles of this. Im not sure but that I what I would like to know.

[SweetCharlotte]

Like kellyK said, it could be the push-away part of her push-pull cycle, triggered by holiday stress. And now you're ill and they don't like that. Sorry, but you're not allowed to get sick.

What school decisions need to be made right now? I would stick to routine things and avoid discussions. You are taking the kids to your parents because that's what you normally do. You are giving her some time off by taking them. PwBPD like structure, so if you do things that are routine and refuse to make them an issue, that might help.

Above all, don't bring up the argument you were having before to show that you were right. Remember: they are nuts, we are stable. You don't need her to acknowledge this; with her it's nothing but validation and empathy.

[bpdsupport]

Sorry for the typos

Thank you for your support.

She is punishing me for saying that I see PD in her actions for the last five years...

She told me that I am not allowed sleeping in our bed because that's her bed now and we are just roommates. It was also a way of keeping me engaged in the chaos. She had me argue about it for a while. It's been a week and I am really tired because I don't sleep well on the couch. And I get home later than her. If I force myself in, she said that she'll call the police and make false accusations against me to have  me arrested... So I have to be very careful. I have a clean record. She has been arrested before, Domestic violence in her previous marriage ...

She put the kids to some classes without talking to me about it. I'll be the one taking them so I feel like she had to talk to me about it. I am okay with taking them but the part that I am not okay with is that she says I have no rights in regards to the decisions about our kids.

Thank you again. She left the house to her gf house knowing I am sick... . With the kids. It just is tiring but it I know I have to stay tight and thank you for your support...

[SweetCharlotte]

She is punishing me for saying that I see PD in her actions for the last five years...

You cannot talk to them about BPD or tell them that they have it, unless they show willingness to hear about it first.

It's maddening, but it's rule No. 1. It will only make things worse. She will tune you out if you do it.

[SweetCharlotte]

She left the house to her gf house knowing I am sick... . With the kids. It just is tiring but it I know I have to stay tight and thank you for your support...

You may disagree about the school and of course it hurts to feel that you have no say over the kids' education, but this is only temporary to get through this crisis. At least they are going to school.

Since she's out of the house and you feel unwell, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE! Slide into bed and when she comes home, play dead to the world.

[bpdsupport]

Yeah, I shouldn't have said anything and she was kicking me out after I gave in to all her demands because she said will make her happy only to find myself in the same place, it's all my fault and she wanting out ... . But how do I fix it now?

I'll try sleeping in bed only if the kids goes to sleep before she comes home.

Thank you for your support

[SweetCharlotte]

But how do I fix it now?

You can't fix what you didn't break. If this is the push-away part of her cycle, the secret is to ride it out without escalating.

[Nonamouse]

Above all, don't bring up the argument you were having before to show that you were right. Remember: they are nuts, we are stable. You don't need her to acknowledge this; with her it's nothing but validation and empathy.

Wise words. I keep making this mistake, especially when mine starts to rationalize her behavior. It doesn't help to be right, or try to make them see the light.

Good luck.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you so much for your support. I did sleep in my bed last night. When she came home she calmly kept saying that it's her bed and I can't sleep in it but I was sleeping. However she did scream and woke me up asking me if I gave any med to our daughter, she woke up and wasn't feeling well.

She's so concerned about me been noting our arguments, joined a support group, working on myself, will divorce her and will ask for full custody of our children. But in realty she's the one asking me to leave... . Filed for divorce three times and canceled after I gave in to all her demands .it's so frustrating... .

Thank you for your support, this is so tiring that I am thinking maybe I need to talk to a therapist myself...

[bpdsupport]

She's kicking and screaming and also so concerned that I am trying to make it sound like she has a problem and that she has P.D.

[bpdsupport]

I keep telling her that I am not a doctor and I never said that and her allegations are not true. I only said that I see some PD behaviors in her actions during the last five years or our marriage...

[SweetCharlotte]

Have you learned about the technique of SET?

Sympathy statement.

Empathy statement.

Truth (your truth) statement.

S

I'm sorry you are feeling exhausted and at the end of your rope.

E

It must be very trying for you with one of the kids sick.

T

What can I do to help you so that you feel less anguish?

I miss our working together as partners to meet these challenges.

Something like that, adapted to your situation.

And you would have to set aside any defense or explanation of your prior statements about BPD behaviors. They are invalidating to her right now.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you, those are very good statements. I have tried those and will do again but got a nagative response like, you are a lair, this marriage is ruined because of you, (basically I am 100 at fault for everything) or keep asking me thigs like get out of the house... We don't need you ... . You are worthless, I don't care about you at all... things to cut me to the bone ... . Etc... .

[bpdsupport]

Or she took it as me being sarcastic... .

[waverider]

Lack of consistency means threats are rarely carried out and drama subsides if you don't join in.

Talking about Disorders and mental illness to someone who is not genuinely ready for it is taken as the gravest abusive insult, and a threat to them. It will bring about deep denial and counter attack. In short it is more constructive than destructive.

I approached this by discussing how certain behaviors may be connected eg abandonment issues may be causing why she is feeling certain ways at certain times. Rather than bring them altogether under the umbrella of mental illness

[bpdsupport]

Thank you so much for your support. I have decided to see a therapist to make a decision.

[kelkay]

Since you met her demands and she is still behaving this way, I wonder is this just the regular BPD rage and you just have to wait until it stops?   Thats very hard to do at times, especially when youre halfway thrown out the door .

[bpdsupport]

Yes, I find it very hard to be positive and keep validating when she keeps threatening me and is kicking me out...

I been sick for few days now(headache, coughing, my whole body hurts)and she tells me that I am faking it. She leaves the house(to parties, gfs' house, out to dinners etc) leaving the kids with me knowing that I am sick.

[kelkay]

I dont have children, but Ive been treated the same way. I dont understand why they think they can just do anything they want and all is fine. I dont understand alot, I play it by ear most times.

Sorry you are sick. Hope its not the flu, that seems to be going around in several states.

[bpdsupport]

Hi all, I feel like my wife's BPD behaviors is destroying me and it's time to get me help myself to make a decision.

What type of Therapist should I look for? Thank you all for your support.