How long after marriage until the abuse starts?

[Mazda]

Hi all,

My replacement just got married to ex.  How long after marriage will his symptoms start to show?  He is still in idealization phase. 

He says he has been seeing someone who claims he doesn't have BPD but myself and my therapist are convinced of it.  If he doesn't take it seriously, will he ever change?

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[Murbay]

Hi Mazda,

It sounds like you are having a frustrating time of things and I sincerely hope things improve for you soon. 

One thing that is certain is the symptoms will show. Whether they appear over the next few weeks, months or years is difficult to pinpoint and from what I found, it just takes a trigger before they spiral downwards.

In terms of seeing someone, that doesn't really mean too much either. If your ex is anything like mine, she was quite the expert and was able to convince her therapist that there was nothing wrong with her for 6 months. She revealed her true colours when he failed to respond to an e-mail she sent him and from that point onwards he refused to see her and became my therapist.

So in terms of the answer to your question, it is possible for him to change but he won't be able to do it on his own and whilst he is in denial he isn't going to change. The more they try to keep it inwards, the more it will eat away and eventually it will trigger.

The question I have for you is why are you allowing him to still rent that space in your head? I'm asking because for the longest time, I never wanted to see my ex suffer and for the longest time, I just wanted to help her. Looking back on it all now, I know there is nothing in this world I can do to change or help her and it's not worth wasting that part of your life wondering if they will change.

I can imagine you just want closure for yourself but the sad part is that while they never take that responsibility, the only person who can give you that closure is yourself. The questions you have asked here, you are still taking ownership for him and his responsibilities and that is being unfair to you 

I am really sorry if this comes over as harsh as it isn't meant to be, but he is someone elses problem now and you have the opportunity to be free of the hardships, the pain and that intense feeling. You are a very deserving person and you deserve to have a life of love, laughter and happiness. That freedom begins when you find closure in yourself and stop him from renting space in your head, because he didn't deserve you 

[Mazda]

Hi Mazda,

It sounds like you are having a frustrating time of things and I sincerely hope things improve for you soon. 

One thing that is certain is the symptoms will show. Whether they appear over the next few weeks, months or years is difficult to pinpoint and from what I found, it just takes a trigger before they spiral downwards.

In terms of seeing someone, that doesn't really mean too much either. If your ex is anything like mine, she was quite the expert and was able to convince her therapist that there was nothing wrong with her for 6 months. She revealed her true colours when he failed to respond to an e-mail she sent him and from that point onwards he refused to see her and became my therapist.

So in terms of the answer to your question, it is possible for him to change but he won't be able to do it on his own and whilst he is in denial he isn't going to change. The more they try to keep it inwards, the more it will eat away and eventually it will trigger.

The question I have for you is why are you allowing him to still rent that space in your head? I'm asking because for the longest time, I never wanted to see my ex suffer and for the longest time, I just wanted to help her. Looking back on it all now, I know there is nothing in this world I can do to change or help her and it's not worth wasting that part of your life wondering if they will change.

I can imagine you just want closure for yourself but the sad part is that while they never take that responsibility, the only person who can give you that closure is yourself. The questions you have asked here, you are still taking ownership for him and his responsibilities and that is being unfair to you 

I am really sorry if this comes over as harsh as it isn't meant to be, but he is someone elses problem now and you have the opportunity to be free of the hardships, the pain and that intense feeling. You are a very deserving person and you deserve to have a life of love, laughter and happiness. That freedom begins when you find closure in yourself and stop him from renting space in your head, because he didn't deserve you 

Hi,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.  The sweet girl he married was so kind and sweet to me, even consoling me on her wedding day as he didn't tell me until that morning. I feel for her and I've given up trying to get him to change.  He won't. I just want her to find out sooner rather than later.  I'm having serious trouble detaching.

[SweetCharlotte]

Could you be splitting the new wife a bit and painting her angelic while you see your ex-fiancé as a demon? Sometimes their BP tendencies rub off on us.

Not that he wasn't very trying for you, but maybe she doesn't mind the abuse because she finds him useful to her in some way. You mentioned elsewhere that she lived in Asia at first and they are marrying after dating for less than 6 months, and only a short time after his broken engagement to you. Something smells rotten here. Is she a mail-order or international-online match? Maybe right now she is happy with the prospect of immigration to the U.S. or Canada and eventual citizenship, and so she is apt to overlook his BPD/NPD behaviors. He may feel gratified in turn that she relies on him so totally that she will not complain or make demands on him.

I have a friend who came to the Eastern U.S. from Europe on a similar arrangement. At first, she was glad to have an escape from the depressed economy of her country. She disregarded the way her new husband did not meet any of her emotional needs. However, after a few years she could no longer deny that the r/s was unsatisfactory, and she ditched him (after her status in this country was secure).

We cannot see inside of their relationship. It is natural for you to want to, but in time it will be important to set it aside so that you can be available to someone who will want and love you for who you are.

[Mazda]

Hi sweetCharlotte,

She was genuinely sweeter than I could have ever imagined.  I called her a few days before her wedding, telling her of his abuse and then showed me kindness and consoled me when he finally told me they were marrying.  I think it's more that after all the horribleness of him, any kindness showed seems like much more than what it is.

I hope she figures it out.  The fact that she went through with this even though it was so quick makes me think that there is something in this for her.  She is too smart and level headed to go into this blindly.

Thank you.

[love4meNOTu]

Mazda-

I was married on January 4, and he started abusing / disregulating on January 26.

22 days or 3 weeks.

L

[Mazda]

Mazda-

I was married on January 4, and he started abusing / disregulating on January 26.

22 days or 3 weeks.

L

Am I a bad person for wanting her to get out of this?  Even though I tried to warn her and she chose otherwise.  But really, I know what he's capable of and I know how deeply engrained his borderline behaviours are... . he will not change.  Not even with help.

[Mono No Aware]

The question I have for you is why are you allowing him to still rent that space in your head? I'm asking because for the longest time, I never wanted to see my ex suffer and for the longest time, I just wanted to help her. Looking back on it all now, I know there is nothing in this world I can do to change or help her and it's not worth wasting that part of your life wondering if they will change.

I can imagine you just want closure for yourself but the sad part is that while they never take that responsibility, the only person who can give you that closure is yourself. The questions you have asked here, you are still taking ownership for him and his responsibilities and that is being unfair to you 

I am really sorry if this comes over as harsh as it isn't meant to be, but he is someone elses problem now and you have the opportunity to be free of the hardships, the pain and that intense feeling. You are a very deserving person and you deserve to have a life of love, laughter and happiness. That freedom begins when you find closure in yourself and stop him from renting space in your head, because he didn't deserve you 

+1, +2, +3

Mazda (oh Lord of Light and maker of cars that go zoom-zoom), I think you may be in the wrong section of this forum.

Most of us in here are still flailing away at keeping our poor BPD mates. You may want to check out:

Healing and Detaching: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0

Divorce: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I may join you there eventually, mine threatens to leave and/or tries to convince me to leave her about once a week.

[love4meNOTu]

I believe her question was how soon after marriage did your pwBPD begin disregulating.

?

L

[Theo41]

In my case the behavior first showed itself with bad treatment of others ( like store clerks) . I was shocked and said "I hope she never treats me that way, I couldn't take it." sure enough after 90 days of marriage the honeymoon was over and I was getting it too.

So it's just a matter of time.

On the other hand most people in your situation might be concerned for the new spouse but realize they are powerless to do anything about it, and it's their business anyway, not yours.

It may be that you are a codependent. If u are and u go to CODA ( a 12 step program) u can discuss  the problem there and get some help focusing on the one person that matters most and whom u have at least some contol  over : YOU:) All the best to u. Consider yourself fortunate to be separated from this person that probably caused u a lot of pain.

[Murbay]

Am I a bad person for wanting her to get out of this?  Even though I tried to warn her and she chose otherwise.  But really, I know what he's capable of and I know how deeply engrained his borderline behaviours are... . he will not change.  Not even with help.

Mazda, you are a very caring human being and certainly not a bad person for wanting to help her.

The truth of the matter is though, that you cannot help her even if you wanted to. It is her choice to make, and her life to live. Going through the experience will only help her more and I know that is a very difficult thing to say. Your experience with your ex will ensure that you take those lessons you learned and find someone who is worthy of you and is not going to treat you the same way your ex did.

On the other side, you are the wrong person for trying to help her, simply because you were emotionally involved. Had my exBPDw exbf come to warn me, my first thoughts would be that he was jealous, that he wanted her back and I still would have walked in to the marriage thinking he was the one with an issue.

You are certainly not wrong for wanting to help her, but the time to do that is when things fall apart for her. You can be there to support her and guide her to sites like this.

My Therapist guided me to a story which explains why now is not the time to step in and help and applies to many things in life:

A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.

The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.

The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shrivelled wings, incapable of flight.

What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterfly and of strengthening its wings.

Sometimes, a little extra effort is precisely what prepares us for the next obstacle to be faced. Anyone who refuses to make that effort, or gets the wrong sort of help, is left unprepared to fight the next battle and never manages to fly off to their destiny

It certainly doesn't make you a bad person and now is the time to be that butterfly and focus on where you need to be. I understand, because I too have those moments, where watching someone suffering is just too painful to bear