texting in the middle of the night

[cheerio99]

Hello everyone,

I hope all of your holidays were as happy and drama-free as possible! I'm posting because I want to hear what others might think about something that is, in the scheme of things, fairly minor, but nevertheless bothers me a great deal... .

So I visited my mom for Christmas. She's been a little wound-up, partly because she's lonely and partly because she just found out that my brother is going to propose to his girlfriend, which tickles her fear of abandonment issues. (She and her on-again-off-again romantic partner got "engaged" like 2 days after my brother said he was going to propose, even though they have no plans to set a wedding date or move in together--coincidence?)

Anyway I know it's hard for her when we leave after the holidays... . as I drove away with my husband, I looked at her waving us goodbye in the door, and I just thought she looked so fragile and lost. But I was so glad to be back in my own life.

Should have been a "good" visit, and for the most part it was, but here's where I made a critical mistake: my mother texted me a day or so after I left. The text was to complain that an emergency dental procedure prevented her from spending time with my brother during his visit (nevermind that her tooth was hurting weeks ago and I told her to go to the dentist then, when it wasn't an emergency... . you can't win them all... . ). My mistake was that I sent back a sympathetic text, which I thought (stupidly!) would make her feel better. All it did was reward the whining/emergency-seeking behavior. Now, a day later, she's already sent me 2 whiney text messages about random stuff, one of which woke me up in the middle of the night.

I know it sounds minor, but I feel horribly invaded by this. The idea that she can just reach into my world and destroy my peace at any hour of the night, after I'm done visiting, terrifies me and makes me want to scream. It just brings all of these awful being-her-emotional-crutch memories flooding back at 2am when I'm supposed to be in my house, in my life, away from her! Not to mention that I desperately need my sleep because I've had this chest cold that won't go away for a couple of weeks now and I work full-time at a very demanding job. On the other hand... . it was just 2 text messages! Seriously. Two 160-character messages and I'm sleepless, in tears, and ready to scream.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to respond. I could just ignore them completely, which I kind of want to do because setting an explicit "boundary" about this could give her an excuse for a tearful confrontation and even reward the behavior further (she lives for tearful confrontations--I haven't let her have one with me in a long time). But ignoring them could also cause her to escalate the communication. Any thoughts?

[GeekyGirl]

I'm curious, cheerio99, which was more upsetting: the fact that your mother texted you in the middle of the night, or what she said?

Anyway, I'm not sure how to respond. I could just ignore them completely, which I kind of want to do because setting an explicit "boundary" about this could give her an excuse for a tearful confrontation and even reward the behavior further (she lives for tearful confrontations--I haven't let her have one with me in a long time). But ignoring them could also cause her to escalate the communication. Any thoughts?

Texting gives you a little freedom to keep the conversation very short and controlled, unlike a phone conversation or visit. You have some additional freedom here to go whichever way is right for you. Do the texts seem to be inviting a response at all or a certain type of response? If so, can you respond in a simple, neutral way?

[Clearmind]

I agree with GeekyGirl - maybe what we need to process is the emotions that come up. The obligation to respond and the guilt if we don't. Does that ring true?

[an0ught]

Hi cheerio99,

I know it sounds minor, but I feel horribly invaded by this. The idea that she can just reach into my world and destroy my peace at any hour of the night, after I'm done visiting, terrifies me and makes me want to scream. It just brings all of these awful being-her-emotional-crutch memories flooding back at 2am when I'm supposed to be in my house, in my life, away from her! Not to mention that I desperately need my sleep because I've had this chest cold that won't go away for a couple of weeks now and I work full-time at a very demanding job. On the other hand... . it was just 2 text messages! Seriously. Two 160-character messages and I'm sleepless, in tears, and ready to scream.

this was definitely minor, you are overreacting in no proportion of what happened. But then this is the nature of triggering - something happens and something else stored up for some time explodes.  Overreaction to triggering is normal but it feels odd and that can be frightening by itself. If this happens often or has been going on for a longer time it may be worth checking with a T with an eye on PTSD.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to respond. I could just ignore them completely, which I kind of want to do because setting an explicit "boundary" about this could give her an excuse for a tearful confrontation and even reward the behavior further (she lives for tearful confrontations--I haven't let her have one with me in a long time). But ignoring them could also cause her to escalate the communication. Any thoughts?

There are two views to it

Tactical - when you do not respond like a trained dog she will escalate. At least that would be the normal extinction behavior. Responding will keep the peace and allow you to do other useful stuff right now.

Strategic - you suffer from anxiety. Boundaries are there to make you safe. Give you the feeling you have a choice on matters of vital importance. But getting them in place is not a pain free change.

[Tayto]

when my mother sent me texts years ago about my siblings it used to worry me as once I text her back she could use it against me with, even your brother thinks this about you.

so one day I explained that I have no problem if she wants to vent however I,m not getting into who is at fault.

my mother will go around gathering the soldiers as I say to gang up against you.

another approach I use as she is persistent is.

mam; that sister of yours never calls and I,m sick of her as she never thinks of me, I,m finished with her and she can cry her crocodile tears when I,m gone.

me; sure you know best as you are her mother and know best how to handle this situation.

mam, what do you think of her not calling to see me and I know she was in the town last week.

me, I don't know, I don't have kids that old but when I do, ill let you know if it happens

mam; I could be dead by then,

me; will you stop talking about your death, it upsets me to think of you gone.

mam; pity it would not upset that sister of yours.

me; did you go to ant dances lately {distraction}

mam; no, sure I never get out anymore with my partner as he only wants to stay in

me; sure when I,m 75 I wont want to go anywhere, but he is very good to you

mam; ya he is,

me; I,m heading off, ill chat to ya later,

[cheerio99]

Thanks everyone -- and I apologize for not attending to this thread after starting it. I ended up deciding that I completely over-reacted and then felt really guilty about posting here. The text turned out to be innocent (I mean, usually we don't text people at 3 in the morning for no reason, but it wasn't a negative text) -- I hadn't even read it yet when I posted. But I think "triggering" is a good way to describe it, as somebody did on this thread. Talking at pre-specified times when we're both rested and in a decent mood is a boundary we've had in place for a long time. I had also just left from a visit home and was ready to get back to "my" life, and the thought that she can just reach out in the middle of the night and wake me up was unsettling. I worried that it portended future, escalating boundary violations.

Anyway, I can see that I need to work on how I react to my mother. The littlest things can just set me into a blind rage sometimes, even when it's not actually fair to her based on the facts of the situation. There's no point in worrying about things escalating when they haven't. The number of potential bad things that haven't happened yet is infinite--definitely too many to deal with! And, these over-reactions probably contribute to my mother and I not having a good relationship. She feels, sometimes rightly, like she can't do anything right by me, and this exacerbates her fear of abandonment and other issues.

I think what I did with her that night is somewhat like "splitting," only I was the one doing it to her! I don't think I have BPD but when I interact with her in particular, sometimes my thoughts and behaviors turn strangely BPD-like... .