cant stop thinking about what she did.

[cowl022]

 Im having an issue attempting to move forward withpout my ex BPD gf.  We met a little over a year ago at a mental health facility were she was an intake specialist who performed psych evaluations on low income patients. I was an admin assistant. She was a high functioning person with BPD. She would later elude to her disorder by telling me she was not a good person. I didnt know what she was trying to tell me so I inquired about it. I learned about BPD for the first time through her. She would love me, idealize me, and then villify me to friends and family. I would find myself jumping in and out of the emotional rollercoaster that is her life. I really cared for and loved her. I wanted to show her that I loved her unconditionally. She would tell me that she wanted to leave me because she didnt want to be with me one minute and then tell me that it was because she figured I would end up doing so first, so she thought of leaving before I could hurt her.  I didnt know how else to show her that I loved her.  At one point she took me to meet her parents. It went spectacular. They really liked me, and I them... . only to have her villify me to them a few days later. And yet I stayed. Needless to say she would say mean and hurtful things only to come back and apologize. We would make up have make up sex and everything would be fine, but it would just keep happenning over and over. The whole I love you I hate you game would continue to re occur. At one point she even told me it wasnt going to stop. Thats when I attempted to leave her. She came running back urging me to stay.  She would say things like... . Im going to try harder to work on us etc... .   we had lots incommon aside from the BPD.  I realize now that its one of the main reasons why I stayed, amd there were a few more. I thought to myself if I keep showing her that I trult do love her she will stop doing this to me. Was I wrong. She walked out on me from one day to the next. She blocked me from her phone, facebook, and email. She even attempted to place a restraining order because I was attempting to contact her at her home via Calls, and letters.  I never thought she would do this to me. Family tell me that its a blessing that she is no longer in my life, but im hurting so much. I invested so much of myself into her. I really loved her. I scheduled an appointment to see a therapist. This has left me with deep core trauma. I dont understand how someone can be so selfish. Its as if she has no compassion. My problem is that I cant stop thinking about what happened. I cant stop thinking about why she did this to me. I would appreciate any advise from those who have had a similar experience. Im really hurting.

[Waifed]

I am sorry you are having to go thru this. It is so painful and impossible to understand. I had a similar story. I also had to deal with the police. I wish I could tell you why they do the things that they do. I am not even sure they know why they behave the way they do.

Read all that you can about BPD.  Your mind is likely too spend months trying to process what has happened. It is a horrible disease with no winners. The pwBPD will never improve unless they dedicate themselves to therapy. This does not happen very often. You did nothing wrong. You were in a relationship that was destined to fail. Hang in there and welcome to this site. It has been a wonderful thing for me. There are so many great people on here that have similar stories. They are here to help one another.

[cowl022]

Thank you W. I hope to learn more from others as well. I need to heal.

[stormcrow]

Welcome Cowl.  As Waifed said, we are all sorry to hear that you have suffered such a tragic loss and with such mental and emotional abuse.  You are not alone as you will quickly see.  If you are certain that you want to leave, that you want to find healing and end the torture that you suffer, truly certain, then I will offer you this first piece of advice - take your power back. 

Do this by blocking your expwBPDgf and go completely NC (no contact).  This will be probably the hardest step you will take initially, but the most beneficial.  And remember, NC means just that.  Block her number so that she cannot call and cannot text.  Delete her and block her from any social media sites you share.  Forward any email addresses she has directly to the trash so that her emails will not show in your inbox.  Do this for all addresses she has and that she has for you.  Treat this like an addiction.  Find a support system - here, with friends and family, a therapist, a group, whatever you need - and use it.  When you feel the need to contact her for any reason, and there will be many, call or text someone that cares about you truly.  Remember, we all seek validation from our pwBPD.  But we are seeking validation in those who wholly take it from us. 

[cowl022]

Thank you Stormcrow. I truly apppreciate your kind and wise words. I will do so. What kills me is that she blocked me first as though I have done something horrible to have deserved it.  Its as if she is blaming me. Anyways I will mos. Certainly block all avenues of contact with her. Will she in her mania try to contact me at some point in the future? I guess what Im asking is... . do borderlines typically do that? If and when she does she is going to find that I have fallen off the face of this Earth. She had her chances. Im struggling with the fact that I love her still, but I hate her all at the same time. I know this is not healthy and I wish I didnt have to feel like this but im struggling with it. Even though a big part of me still loves her an even larger hates her and wants nothing to do with her.  Especially after attempting to place a restraining order. So sad. I tried so hard to show her I was different.

[stormcrow]

Thank you Stormcrow. I truly apppreciate your kind and wise words. I will do so. What kills me is that she blocked me first as though I have done something horrible to have deserved it.  Its as if she is blaming me. Anyways I will mos. Certainly block all avenues of contact with her. Will she in her mania try to contact me at some point in the future? I guess what Im asking is... . do borderlines typically do that? If and when she does she is going to find that I have fallen off the face of this Earth. She had her chances. Im struggling with the fact that I love her still, but I hate her all at the same time. I know this is not healthy and I wish I didnt have to feel like this but im struggling with it. Even though a big part of me still loves her an even larger hates her and wants nothing to do with her.  Especially after attempting to place a restraining order. So sad. I tried so hard to show her I was different.

Cowl, what you feel is very much normal.  You should not struggle against the conflicting emotions that you feel.  Let them flow.  Give yourself permission to love her and hate her at the same time.  This is quite possible and quite healthy... . for now.  Understand that those with BPD will never have rational or logical emotional thoughts as us nons do.  Her blocking you first makes no sense to anyone with a somewhat healthy emotional state... . or to anyone with a logical mind.  But, for her, it is completely rational.  She wants to inflict the pain she feels upon you.  She lives in a constant state of emotional turmoil that we can never grasp or understand.  And it is this turmoil that drives her actions.  What you need now is to just try and think of yourself as much as possible.  It will be extremely hard to want to put any energy into yourself as you are so used to directing it all towards her.  But, know that now, you must!  You must come first now.  She has shown you who matters most to her and that is, of course, her.  Don't let a person like that take your focus.  Give to the one who needs you most now... . you. 

And we all ask the question of will they return.  We all want the validation from them that comes when they return or contact us.  The truest of answers is, no one can know if she will or not.  But, most likely, she will.  And you have to prepare yourself for that.  How I did it was/is this - I went NC for a while to get my bearings.  But then I unblocked her so that if she did reach out I would know it.  And she did.  And I wasn't ready and i re-engaged and then recycled.  It was more painful the last time than any of the previous. So don't be me.  Do yourself a favor and go NC until you no longer think of her.  The validation isn't worth the pain that comes when you recycle.  Trust me on that one.  Heck, it isn't even worth the pain that comes when you see their name pop up on your phone.  Also try to remember, as best you can, that you are seeking validation from someone who is mentally ill.  Think of all of the insanity that goes on in the head of your ex and ask yourself - do I want such validation?  Is it remotely real? 

One final thought.  The less she thinks of you, the better off you will be.  The greatest gift a BPD can give an ex is to never contact them again.  And if you read my post on Enabling vs. Triggering you may realize that the greatest gift you can give your ex is to never contact them again.

[santa]

You came to the right place!

Your story sounds pretty familiar. Lol

[Arctic Monkey]

My ex talked about not being a good person too, from quite early on in the relationship. She said if I wanted someone nice I'd have to find someone else because she wasn't nice. This was said almost as if it was a badge of honour and that my niceness was a weakness. She joked about her dark side. But in her low, serious moments when I really felt we were having some meaningful dialogue she said she felt evil and unworthy and she knew she pushed anyone away who cared for her. So much insight yet it didn't stop her destroying the relationship. Quite sad. She was a practising volunteer counsellor too. Some similarities there I think.

[cowl022]

Thanks for sharing A.M.  It is extremely strange that we would have deep philosophical conversations about as many topics we could think of and yet she insisted on "splitting". Is "splitting" something that they have no control over? She would agree with me about why its important to be compassionate and be a person of virtue and dignity to then behave as though they have had a complete paradigm shift. I got tired of this. I never knew who I was with. One minute she would be all over me and the next tell me she wasnt attracted to me. It was so confusing and draining. And yet I stayed because I truly did love her. I met a BPD therapist from N.Y. online and her final piece of advise was "run the hell away".  I couldnt bring myself to abandon her.  I never thought she would actually do it to me. I shouldve listened. She just threw me in the gutter as if I never excisted at all.  What did I do to deserve this?

[Inside]

Cowl022,

We are targeted for our kindness.  They truly seek love but ultimately know they’ll never find it.  …man, you wrote my story… everything but the end.  I came here feeling exactly as you do now, and received about same advice.  It was solid and sound, but I wasn’t…  How do you delete love, or the constant thoughts within your mind, or every damn thing you see or think during the day that reminds you of them... ?  I couldn’t.  Thus I was recycled - I believe it now stands at seven times

It seemed to me to be a process.  Something that just had to play itself out…  I thought finding another woman would do it, so I did.  But she was merely normal – not mirroring (falsely imitating) my behavior while ignoring my quirks or instantly diving into bed.  And though I referred to her as “my template for normal,” as we discussed endlessly my attempt to get over/ recover from a very talented and experienced ‘high functioning transparent’ pw(person with)BPD … but when contacted by or given another opportunity to fall for my xu(undiagnosed)BPDgf …I did.

Lessons?  They’re fake, and most of what you initially feel you have in common is them pretending to ‘love’ the same.  In time, their true likes and dislikes emerge and you begin to realize how little you actually have in common, as well as how ugly and mean a person they really are…

They know it won’t work; mine was once crying in bed next to me … and described that she “wasn’t any good for me and would only hurt me.”  Parts of their emotions are real, and amid the craziness I found myself clinging to those tiny fragments of honesty, even when scary…

So, they know you’ll eventually leave them, so plan a preemptive exit to make it appear ‘they left you.’  And to legitimize their exit, they attempt to discredit you to family, friends and coworkers.  It’s sick and sad …as you’ve no doubt come to know those people, like and care for them – then find that any comment made in confidence to your BPD had been used to damage you in their eyes… that alone should be unforgivable.  

They’ve a pattern of existence; that of revolving among a network of ‘so-called friends’ … with the understanding and realization they’ll eventually need a replacement for you.  And that ‘replacement’ can be about anyone; including your best friend, brother, former lovers or anyone in the vicinity in a desperate attempt to mask their loss of you.  …I’ve come to figure that for every one of ‘them’ – there are likely at least ‘five of us’ staggering around... .

It will never work…  they won’t let it.  “I will likely forever run from that which I want the most” is nearly verbatim from my xuBPDgf.  :)on’t know if it’s original, but fitting.  As mentioned, so much of what you described is nearly identical to my experience (if not about everyone here), but the part of constantly attempting to ‘prove your love’ for her feels so close to home.  I’d tell her that, that ‘I constantly feel like I’m attempting to prove how much I love you.”  That simple, and that weird  

There are some mighty talented and experience people posting on these boards – I’ve actually copied five Word documents (ten pages each) of their quotes…  stuff I’ll occasionally read through to remind me of what I’m up against.  In fact, I’ve been tempted to make a post of them…  BPD is well understood by some, but I’m still trying…  Though I know how you’re feeling, we’ve all been there …and many still are.

People with BPD just can’t do it … and from what I’ve read, successful therapy is a very long shot.  I know, you’d be there till the end for them.  I would have.  But they won’t let you.  They appear to feel so low about themselves that to have a healthy reminder of what ‘normal is’ waking up next to them each day is too much.  So the best they can do is play normal for as long as possible, attempt to show you off to family & friends, have serious and furious sex …until reality hits … a responsible demand or expectation arises and they can’t handle it, they’re spent.  Then, “It’s over,” “We tried,” “I’m outta here”…  As they run away in shame … grabbing at someone to take our place … legitimizing they’re supposed hatred of us to anyone who’ll listen …the entire time knowing deep inside that they’re terminally messed up.  And with that likely come the thoughts of suicide they’re known for…

I’m so sorry I could cry with, and for you…  Like a successful virus that doesn’t quite kill it’s host, their condition has apparently proven capable of continuing on … in the case of my xuBPDgf, in the form of two children from different fathers …without mentioning their legal ‘legitimacy.’  

And, they’ll eat you alive.  There’s a good reason they feel like ‘Bad people.’  Ultimately, they are.  When deceiving others to the extent they do, they become quite good at manipulating others for personal gain and it becomes an ugly habit, a lifestyle.  They’re not what they appear – and very importantly – they’re very much alike.  I’m sure we’ve all felt that ‘We’ have the ability to help them and that “We’ll” be there for them when others have left.  And, we try…  We give, and give and give – and they take.  And it’s not that others haven’t tried or loved them as much as us -- it’s that they are too flawed to utilize our help in a non self-destructive way.  They just can’t do it.

Mine went from wanting a tattoo with my (unusual) name on her, to marriage, to having our child, to moving in with me, to piling my things outside her place to texting me to “F-off,” to blocking my text/ calls, to badmouthing me to her loving mother, to climbing back into bed with me, to pressing for marriage, moving in together, running off to another country! …to no contact for a month…

My suggestion – use every strategy suggested to get beyond the immediate pain.  …and though finding a replacement would be extremely helpful – it won’t (or better not be) the same drug … and though they’ll likely seem like milquetoast in comparison… endure it.  Hopefully you’ll (we’ll) fall in love with the right person, the right way.  What happened was a painful mistake … for which we tend to dwell on only the best.  Crap – that’s one reason I’m spending this Saturday afternoon right here – to remind myself of what it is I’m not spending it with!  …it’s gonna take time… But I can tell you from painful experience – cuz every recycle includes eventual and unavoidable pain --- It will NEVER again be like it was.  It’s that simple, and it hurts so bad …because it was likely the relational equivalent of Heroin … and no doubt as hard to kick.

…wish I could give you the key to making it work.  I looked as hard as possible for it…  but it remained an elution.  You know… there are some wonderful female victims posting around here, and though it’s not a place for meeting normal …it’s beyond a breath of fresh air to read their healthy thoughts and insight … and though likely hurting as much as we are …their presence alone assures me ‘normal is out there’ – and once you find and fall in love with it …I suspect (hope like hell) our memories of BPDville will come into focus as the nightmares they truly were.  You’re not alone