This is all so complicate now. I spent yesterday with my brother organising all of the stuff to do with my mothers death... . [snip]
MAD!
Ah Calm Waters,
I'm very sorry to hear this. My mother's death had different details (I'd seen the last will, so that wasn't a surprise), but in the sense of my discovering troubling evidence that she was seriously deranged, it was the same. It's only folk knowledge, but still may be true, that older people become more like themselves as they get older -- narrow down into their core personality quirks, if you will -- and if you apply that to somebody who has a PD, then you've got serious trouble.
I know this may not help much, but I can tell you that you're not alone in this. My mother's death was tragic, and I couldn't help going through a 'it didn't have to be like this' and a 'why didn't she tell me' -- and I think those things are natural. But somebody with intensifying BPD just isn't going to do that, they're going to get crazier and more paranoid and more resentful and more volatile and there's no way around it.
I've also just looked at your other posts and see you have a strong concern that your father may have gaslighted her and been partially or fully responsible. I see you are considering getting medical records.
Here's my experience with that: I felt at first that my mother's death might have been caused by malpractice at a hospital, and I got hundreds of pages of densely handwritten medical records, and traced her last weeks in the hospital, hour by hour. This was something I had to do, and I learned a lot, and it allowed me to let it go. What I learned was that everybody in the hospital did their best, and that some of their best wasn't all that great, and all together maybe her death was hastened by the whole context -- BUT, I couldn't avoid learning also that she wasn't happy, really really wasn't happy, and was making their job a lot harder, as if she wanted to go. I learned that there really wasn't anybody I could blame for the way things turned out, except the Universe.
And I do blame the Universe, and it makes me feel a bit better. Not much, but it's something.
PP