Maybe my expectations are the problem

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just venting here. So I took my car into the dealer last week because my check engine light was on and the car felt funny when driving it. After three days I get a call that I had a sensor out but also that my ABS computer had failed. It is going to cost $4000 to fix it. It is a Lexus that was gifted to me with relatively low miles so I opted to fix it.

My husband and I talked after hearing from the dealer and the agreement was we were going to both work overtime this month to put the four grand back in the bank. Because of that I have sent out emails to all clients stating I had expanded availability this month. He was offered overtime for tomorrow and whined about how he always works when they are short so they told him not to come in tomorrow.

I am just angry and tired right now because I know how this is going to go. I will be the only one killing myself this month while he "forgets" the deal and forgets that when he needed a new car it was me not him who worked the overtime to pay for it.

He is who he is and I keep expecting something different. He sucks and I keep expecting him just one time not to.

[karma_gal]

Just venting here. So I took my car into the dealer last week because my check engine light was on and the car felt funny when driving it. After three days I get a call that I had a sensor out but also that my ABS computer had failed. It is going to cost $4000 to fix it. It is a Lexus that was gifted to me with relatively low miles so I opted to fix it.

My husband and I talked after hearing from the dealer and the agreement was we were going to both work overtime this month to put the four grand back in the bank. Because of that I have sent out emails to all clients stating I had expanded availability this month. He was offered overtime for tomorrow and whined about how he always works when they are short so they told him not to come in tomorrow.

I am just angry and tired right now because I know how this is going to go. I will be the only one killing myself this month while he "forgets" the deal and forgets that when he needed a new car it was me not him who worked the overtime to pay for it.

He is who he is and I keep expecting something different. He sucks and I keep expecting him just one time not to.

[joethemechanic]

Wow, that sucks. I'm pretty lucky in that respect, my BPDgf is actually kind of frugal so money is really never an issue with us (Her Amish roots maybe?)

But I was married to another woman during the 90's who was absolutely irresponsible with money. She worked full time, and the only bill she took care of was the house phone and gas for her car. No matter what she made, 3 days after she got paid she was broke. No drinking, drugs, gambling, or anything like that. She spent it all on her kids and all of it on total carp. Toys that they never played with and clothes that they never wore. Oh and fast food 

It was funny, one day she told me I didn't contribute enough. I said, "See this thing we live in, it's called a house"

She said, "The house doesn't count because you inherited it before we met"


Yeah, It sucks, and I feel for you. Believe me I know what it's like.

[froggy]

Know what it's like karma...

I worked 3 jobs because he just couldn't handle working a part time job and go find something to fill in the gap.

Worked 2 or 3 jobs for 10 years when he the mill he was at shut down... . his replacement job was part time.

Now that he's working... . I'm working minimal. ... let him sweat it for awhile.

I still had to do everything else around the house while he played video games and hung out at the library.

[waverider]

My partner also has big plans, but when it comes to the commitment to follow through she falls short.

Now is now, tomorrow is tomorrow, when tomorrow becomes today, yesterdays plans have no further use.

Once you realize that it is the nature of the beast all you can do is factor it in, as you know its going to happen.

To a degree you are probably angry with yourself for falling for it again.

[karma_gal]

My partner also has big plans, but when it comes to the commitment to follow through she falls short.

Now is now, tomorrow is tomorrow, when tomorrow becomes today, yesterdays plans have no further use.

Once you realize that it is the nature of the beast all you can do is factor it in, as you know its going to happen.

To a degree you are probably angry with yourself for falling for it again.

As usual you hone in to the heart of the matter and get to the crux of things reminding me why I love your replies.

I am soo ticked at myself because I know better. God do I know better. I have spent the last two days beating myself up for giving him the benefit of the doubt yet again... . only to realize yet again that he is capable of talking but not following through whether on this or anything else.

I KNOW I can't depend on him but keep acting like he is going to have an epiphany and get it together all of a sudden.

Lesson learned, again, and I only have myself to blame. He is who he is and as much as I wish he were capable of being who he should be he just doesn't have it in him.

I need to gt it through my thick head that he will never change and I need to get to the point where I have no expectations if him. Every time I do I end up here.

He still sucks, but I am getting smarter one screwed up situation at a time

[waverider]

I need to gt it through my thick head that he will never change and I need to get to the point where I have no expectations if him. Every time I do I end up here.

The sad part is we are human, we need to have to faith in people, even if they fail us, even if we feel like an idiot for letting them fail us. It is a fine line between realism and total cynicism. Without faith we become emotional dead.

To occasionally curse ourselves for trusting too much is a better place to be than to never have faith at all.

I kick myself and say never again, at least once a week, then do it again. Acceptance is not just about them, it is also about accepting our own frailty.

Sure it sucks, but once you understand it and limit the risks, it doesn't have to suck too much to ruin your day