If you could start over, would you still marry your BPD?

[wilsonian]

Not sure where my post went ... maybe I was to honest but yes I would do it again just wish I had a heads up about the diagnosis prior to the marriage...

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[woodsposse]

 

As far as the whole "kid thing"... . I finally had to be really honest with myself.

If I could go back in time and stop myself from getting with the bio-mom of my kids even knowing that my kids (in their current form) wouldn't exist - I would still stop myself.

I deserved much better than that r/s. 

My children deserved much more than what she brought to the table... . and how she still is messed up in the head and negativly affected their lives.

I would much rather have them be wholler and happier even if it means they are totally different people now.

[upsidedown_world]

Nope.  Not at this stage I wouldn't.  She was very highly functioning when we got married.  It all went to hell after the birth of our second daughter.  **That doesn't preclude the fact that I may have a different take 6 months down the road if the current therapy actually pans out.  I think many of us spend a lot of time hoping for a brighter future.

Kids were the tipping point.  Without them, I'd be gone a long time ago.

[slimmiller]

As far as the whole "kid thing"... . I finally had to be really honest with myself.

If I could go back in time and stop myself from getting with the bio-mom of my kids even knowing that my kids (in their current form) wouldn't exist - I would still stop myself.

I deserved much better than that r/s. 

My children deserved much more than what she brought to the table... . and how she still is messed up in the head and negativly affected their lives.

I would much rather have them be wholler and happier even if it means they are totally different people now.

EXACTLY. I could not have said it better myself.

I love myself way too much now to ever dream of repeating the Hell that ensued by ever meeting her. Sure there was a good and romantic time at first but I would still never consciously repeat it. I deserve so much better.

I spent most of my life now trying to protect my children from the monster she has become (emotionally etc) and I am sure they too would be thankful if I had chose someone else to have them with. I dont believe in the 'if we hadnt met, we would not have the kids' theory. I would still have them, just with someone mentally healthy.

The mindset that its somehow all worth it in the end is the exact same mindset that got us into these relationships in the first place...

But I also think justifying us getting into the relationship in the first place kind of takes the pressure off and we dont have to own the fact that we made a less then perfect choice and its kind of the easy way out

[Boss302]

Nope.  Not at this stage I wouldn't.  She was very highly functioning when we got married.  It all went to hell after the birth of our second daughter.  **That doesn't preclude the fact that I may have a different take 6 months down the road if the current therapy actually pans out.  I think many of us spend a lot of time hoping for a brighter future.

Kids were the tipping point.  Without them, I'd be gone a long time ago.

I want you to consider something: her behavior affects the kids too, and it probably affects your ability to effectively parent them. I know. Caring for a BPD drains the caretaker emotionally, and often leaves little "room" for the kids.

I know you're saying you're staying "for their sake," but sometimes it makes sense to leave "for their sake" too. In my case, I was able to create a much more stable household for the kids without my BPDx, and without BPDx, I have a lot more emotional "bandwidth," so to speak, so I'm able to be a better dad to them than I was before the divorce. We're ALL far better off now.

I know you're undecided, and I think the wait and see attitude makes sense, but keep all this in mind as you watch your wife's progress in therapy. If you don't see improvements, then you may have some very tough decisions to make.

Keep a close eye on her... . and make sure you're taking care of yourself and the kids through all this. Make sure your connection with them remains strong. They need that.

[HopefulDad]

No.  Life's too short to voluntarily jump into a relationship with someone suffering a PD.  I can care for her deeply and hope the best for her, but marry?  Nah.

But since I *am* married, I am doing what I can to see if the marriage can be salvaged.  But it's not trending in a positive direction.

[goldylamont]

I want you to consider something: her behavior affects the kids too, and it probably affects your ability to effectively parent them. I know. Caring for a BPD drains the caretaker emotionally, and often leaves little "room" for the kids.

I know you're saying you're staying "for their sake," but sometimes it makes sense to leave "for their sake" too. In my case, I was able to create a much more stable household for the kids without my BPDx, and without BPDx, I have a lot more emotional "bandwidth," so to speak, so I'm able to be a better dad to them than I was before the divorce. We're ALL far better off now.

I know you're undecided, and I think the wait and see attitude makes sense, but keep all this in mind as you watch your wife's progress in therapy. If you don't see improvements, then you may have some very tough decisions to make.

Keep a close eye on her... . and make sure you're taking care of yourself and the kids through all this. Make sure your connection with them remains strong. They need that.

Wow. This is something I've felt but I never speak on as I never had children involved so didn't want to comment on this dynamic.

Upsidedown consider what Boss is saying. After finding what BPD is I found 2 friends that were close to someone diagnosed. One friend is the daughter of a mother wBPD. She's in her thirties now and still suffers, working with a therapist because of the emotional turmoil growing up around her BPD mom. They don't speak anymore at all at the moment, in fact I think only one sibling in their family still even communicates with the mom. My friend does love her dad. But she told me that even though he's the nicest man, that she had to work through a lot of anger towards him as in her eyes he stood by and didn't protect her when she was younger from their mom. After decades of marriage and after all the kids moved out, her dad finally does have another SO but she says she's demanding and controlling just like her mom--so the father also has to bear some responsibility for his choices as well. Although he is kind hearted. There are some people here with parents that have BPD, perhaps it would be good to get their input on whether they would've wanted their parents to stay together or not. Can give some insights on choices you make now.

[yeeter]

No.

But I say this without animosity.  And without resent.  Just a statement of fact.

I also responded thinking, to some degree, not a useful question to even ponder (because the past is past).  But then realized, that being able to answer it so easily, and simply, and without emotion, is an indication of acceptance and healing. 

Now what I would 'like' to think is that, by having grown and learned new skills and developed as a person, that by simply turning back the clock and reliving it, I would be more savvy at managing and dealing with the dynamics that got me into the relationship and I would make different choices. 

[formflier]

  My friend does love her dad. But she told me that even though he's the nicest man, that she had to work through a lot of anger towards him as in her eyes he stood by and didn't protect her when she was younger from their mom. 

This was one of the things that I was thinking through as I decided  to act to get corporal punishment out of my house.  If my kids see me standing by... . and letting uBPDw continue what I consider to be abusive punishment... . then they are right to think that I approve... . or at least won't stop it.

While not all of them may agree with the stand that I took... . they all know Daddy is against what Mommy is doing and will take a stand.

[ydrys017]

Fascinating question and one that I ponder from time to time. 

Knowing what I know now, no, I do not think I would do it again.  The effects of the disorder are damaging and pervasive in my life and in the lives of our children (who I would never wish out of existence, for the record).  Being married to someone with BPD has strengthened me in many ways and taught me many lessons I would not have learned otherwise, and I am grateful for that.  And I'm committed to staying. 

It's a difficult existence though... . not the dream life that I could have without the disorder present.  I really think that my wife, minus the disorder, would be the perfect spouse.

X2

[hergestridge]

I would have said no. And in a way actually said no, but she didn't care much. I said no to kids and marriage so many times. Threats of leaving, threats of suicide if she didn't get her will. Threats never carried out... . six months later the same proposals again. Eventually I gave in because I couldn't stand the tortute.

And leaving her wasn't on the map because it was obvious that I would have to throw her out, and it doesn't work like that with her. She would turn that into a discussion that I would have to "win" in order to throw her out, and she would end up staying. A couple of break-up attempts have just ended with her saying "No fuc*ing way!" and then she will pretend like it never happened.

[earthgirl]

No.

[Theo41]

No. The good , and there's lots of that, has been overridden by the bad. In many respects I feel like the custodian of a hateful angry anxious mental patient. The kids suffered and were damaged by her  more than I realized. For that reason alone I would not do it again.Theo

[waverider]

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Thanks everyone for your participation

Waverider