Closure

[happylogist]

Just want to update about my story.

Background: I am married, short but intense affair with uBPD, his gf breaks up with him, I become his emotional caretaker. We are LDR. He does not see any future with me, because is not over his ex. Starts dating others, tells me the details. Loves and unloves me and again loves me, while at the end dating a mutual friend. My life is havoc. I confront him, tell him that I want to be with him - he refuses again and goes NC.

6 months of no contact, I am slowly putting pieces together in my life... . On the NY eve he writes me a short email asking for a talk. Hoping that I will get closure I reply... . And get nothing except confusion, emotional free-falling and feeling guilty for not being able to understand him and not communicating well. He says that uplifting classic soulmate phrase many of us heard here, but adds that still I am the reminder of his guilt, he suffers and he needed to know that I was not hating him and was ok. I feel worse - I was not fair to him, he is alone, write him again that I never hated him and wish only good for him and get an email that he is happy, he is dating our mutual friend, is almost over his ex, though not completely, so I am still a reminder, but so much more than it.

It was supposed to be a decent closure, but it left me confused and empty - somehow I feel I become a part of his mindgame, where I lost. I don't feel that the communication I had with him was honest. There was something that screamed fake and I don't know anything besides thinking that I am sick.

I am confused, I do not know whether because I still have feelings for him and this closure was too early, is it because of discomfort of being reminded again that for someone I am a reminder of guilt, or it was because there was too much contradiction - soulmate and never going to change ever, but completely opposite actions, blaming me for being upset that he dated someone because he could not see any future with me, always wanted to be with me was not able to commit? Or this is how any closure supposed to be?

I was reading about radical aceptance and feel it is a good way for me not to fight, but simply accept and focus on my life.

[santa]

Am I understanding this correctly?

You are married, but you are here asking for advice about your boyfriend on the side?

[happylogist]

No, Santa, I am not looking for advice on what to do with him or a moral judgement.

I posted here after feeling sorry for writing to him after the nc, I expected more a feeling of closure, instead ended up again feeling bad. This was all.

[santa]

No, Santa, I am not looking for advice on what to do with him or a moral judgement.

I posted here after feeling sorry for writing to him after the nc, I expected more a feeling of closure, instead ended up again feeling bad. This was all.

Well, as I myself have found, there's no closure with a BPD. You've got to find it yourself because they won't give it to you. Courtesy isn't in their repertoire. You just have to accept that they're damaged, hopeless, and guaranteed destruction every time. That about sums it up.

[Take2]

Agreed... . you won't ever get the closure you seek... . he sought reassurance that you still care, you gave it to him and then he tells you he is happy in a new r/s... . while also seeming to blame you for his own actions so that he doesn't have to deal with any personal responsibility.

Trust me... . it will never make sense.  Healing yourself is the best thing you can do.  Focus on what you need and do your best to let go.  So much easier said than done but love yourself... . not him... .

[happylogist]

Thank you, Santa and Take2, for the support.

He has a way to present the reality that makes me wonder whether I am sick, misunderstanding, he is a lonely victim, whereas I wanted more than being an ex lover who listens and supports, apparently I left him, but he was there for me (except I do not know as what). He seems to know perfectly how guilty I felt and how much I wanted to fix, but managed somehow through being 'nice' to me imply that I am still his guilt and I owe him validation... . Anyway, another proof that sticking to nc is the best option. Nothing good comes after talking except poking the old wounds and hearing phrases that probably were heard by all his exes.