I think I am done...

[arn131arn]

I want to thank everyone on this site for being there for me the past 2+ weeks.  I don't think I am ever going to get through this, the hardest time of my life.

She broke up with me many times before, but only once that I know of for another guy and that was 10 years ago.  This time the prize is too good for her to ever come back again.  Besides 20 recycles and constant threats of breaking up isn't an automatic for BPD.

I hate that I feel so inadequate because of who this replacement is... . I didn't provide enough for her.  She has never been diagnosed BPD and I have no way of really knowing for sure.  She probably just fell out of love with me, and towards the end there, I was drinking too much and saying mean and terrible things that I didn't mean.

I am sorry for using BPD as a crutch or an excuse for my heartache and pain.  Like my exwihnfihBPD (whoihavenohitingideahas) I needed a scapegoat for the pain I have been in... . Thanks, ya'll

Arn

[Tolou]

Hey, sounds like you have a lot in your mind.  It is good you let out here... . Who knows what pd some of partners, ex partners, or family member has?  We are definitely not the ones who need to be diagnosing or telling them.  We just have to do our best to learn from these individuals the best that we can and grow.  There is only so much a person can take before anger and resentment lead us towards treating someone that is way out of our character, it happens.  It is part of projection, once that "rage" enters us, all the easier to point the finger and lay blame at us for shortcomings and failures.  Growth is being able to seperate reality and fantasy, take accountability for your actions, then move forward.  We can not be responsiblefor someone elses. Stay strong, stay positive!

[Monarch Butterfly]

Hi Arn,

  I wouldn't really worry about the diagnosis, or lack of it. My uBPDh would never go to therapy becasue he said the problem was me. So I could not get any closure on his side. He has 9 of the 9 symptoms... . but I felt I had to have that said y somebody else.

  I got so stung on what if he is BPD, or something else, that I forgot what really matters. In my case, and I guess in yours too, wether they have BPD or not, the relationship isn't going anywhere. It's not getting better. It's not meeting my needs after I have meet every single need he had. So diagnosis or not, for me, the relationship just died day after day, 17 years, and then went very sour for 6 months. I begged him to get help, begged him to listen to me, to work things out... . and then he finally put the final nail in my coffin.

  So think about what you want in life... . When your 75 and telling stories about who you are and how you lived your life, will you be proud of it? I will not. That is why I am emotionally checking out. I want a change, I want to live, I want to love. I only have one life to do that, and if I've messed up in the first 37 years, well, then may the next 40 be good. Wishing you the best... .  

[Pearl55]

I'm so sorry you still hurting so much. She's never been in love with you (she's not able to be in love with anybody). My husband is not officially diagnosed but I know more than 100% he is BPD. Diagnosing personality disorders are not easy and many professionals are reluctant to label people with this disorder but we are able to sense it and with the right informations move forward.

Learning about BPD helped me to detach myself while I was in the relationship. He torchered me mentally to give away my rights and he succeeded. Your wife's abrupt leaving with your replacement is a typical BPD behaviour.

Your anger towards her was normal so don't beat yourself up about it! I hope you heal soon.

[arn131arn]

What if I got a family or friend to call her and ask her for the sAke of our family would she finally commit to therapy or couples therapy?

[happylogist]

Even if she is completely healthy as you are or even sick -  it does not look that your relationship was healthy and contributing to your or her personal growth. The scheme fails into BPD relationship dynamic. It is important to heal and grow from the experience, the website provides a lot of resources on how to do it, being trapped in guilt and shame is so easy but yet so destructive. Stay I feel for you - sometimes it is just the excuse of BPD is like scapegoating - he/she is sick, I am the normal one. But so is self-blame and feeling unlovable and unworthy. It takes two to tango...

[sadinnc98]

I am sorry you are hurting  The pain these people inflict is deep and very powerful... trust me I know. My life is in quite a shambles this days bc of the downfall of this relationship. 

As far as your comment of not providing enough for her, I truly believe they are NEVER content... nothing is EVER enough-no matter what you do-they have a hollow leg of needs. I know I have treated my BF like a king-and there for him in any way possible... yet he still seeks outside validation. I am having to force myself to accept that its not me... but its hard.

[Pearl55]

Arn

Try to be honest with yourself. Therapy doesn't resolve her issues even years of therapy because she doesn't want to!

[Perfidy]

Yeah arn... This is about you not her. There are better women. Think about it. It would take a lifetime of therapy for her to just ease the symptoms of BPD. You would go through a certain amount of hell. Even if she doesn't have BPD you are affected like a non. The utter devastation and the What the heck happened. You experience this. What you learn about yourself here or any other place that you go to learn about your self can be applied into your life to make your personal relationships more fulfilling, especially the one with your self. Your doing this for you not her.

[Pretty Woman]

Arn,

  As hard as it is, she is with someone else. You cannot get her to agree to couples therapy when you are technically no longer a couple.

I know how bad it is with the recycles and you start to be conditioned they are coming back.

I am three months out of a 15mo relationship. I know my timeline pales in comparison with yours and your ex but I was recycled 6x during that duration. Now, my ex is on a dating site and everything she is looking for... .

well one of my friends told me... .

":)on't feel bad. The person she is describing is YOU".

You cannot do anything at this point to help her other than let her go. I read somewhere this statement below. I wish I could give credit to who said it.  As I have been through this hell I have cut and pasted into an email lots of info I have found on BPD. I read it when I feel down. This was one of those things... .


"Loving a emotionally/mentally disordered person is not about clinging desperately... . it's more about letting go"

If you love her as much as I feel you do, you just have to let her go. You are only coraling the pain for both of you by trying to hold on to something that is clearly broken and not working.

What has helped me is something that may seem unconventional but I am having relations with another woman, a friend that I really trust.

I am not looking for a relationship at this moment and yes, I still love my ex however I will say this has made me "feel" again and realize I am capable of finding someone trustworthy, kind, who doesn't want to or care to hurt me. This person has been there through many dumpings by my ex. Her standing by me unconditionally has made me realize even more how badly I was treated. You start to finally forget the "good stuff" you have been obsessed with and think about how poorly your ex really treated you.

I don't recommend this to everyone but Arn, you will get there.  Get therapy for yourself and try to get past this. Keep posting for support.

I promise, it does get easier.

[heartandwhole]

arn,

I'm really sorry, this stuff is so painful.    So many of us have looked at ourselves and feared something was lacking, it's so understandable – especially in the wake of the dysfunctional relationships we had.

I hope you will keep plowing through.  There is no salvation in looking at her, wishing for her to change.  That will only bring more pain and keep you stuck.  Every minute you spend focusing on her is an opportunity to heal yourself lost.

We're here and we are rooting for you.