Why don’t they say farewell / can’t wish us luck?

[Dutched]

Keeps me puzzling  although I understand I am split black, the source of her pain, the personification of all kind of traumas that trigger her coping, etc.

Once, before she was 20 yrs., she left her parents in an outburst.  No goodbye. She went in absolutely NC for almost a decade (although her parents made subtile attempts to re-establish contact) My own efforts were not “appreciated” too. Burned everything and building a complete new life.

A 3 decades later when she left my family in an outburst, almost the same. There was LC for the divorce/kids. About 3 months later a face to face conversation. As she persisted her divorce (… I am hurt by you…) I reached out my hand to say goodbye. Twice, twice is was refused!

After the final settlement, I sent her a mail in which I wished her all the best, wished her to find a nice guy to be happy with and success with her course.

No response at all. 

I know (yes against my own better judgement ) not to sent a mail and to leave her in her misery, though it felt appropriate to do, to follow my own values/standards. I know my family was dumped as a piece of garbage.

Based on her history, as confirmed on this Board and years ago by my local support group: the best prediction is there past behaviour, or, what they once did, they will do again.

Sure there a several explanations for this behaviour.

I try to say. I understand the split, their perception of truth/facts, but I have a hard time to accept that she doesn’t even shows her decency/values.   

Did you experienced something similar?  What did it to you?

[santa]

Because they don't want us to fare well or have good luck. 

They are our enemy and they want to defeat us. All they want is control. If they can't control you, they don't want to play any more.

It has nothing to do with you or what's good for you. It's all about them. They don't care what happens to you.

[cureandcause]

Did you experienced something similar?  What did it to you?

As boring as this reads: I first had to ACCEPT the fact that the person is suffering a mental illness.

You cannot wait for her to show YOU her values/decency anymore. It might never happen.

Love,

[sadinnc98]

Mine has used that terminology before... BUT... . he said it in a passive aggressive way-he had painted me black and discarded me (for doing nothing) and that was one of his many parting words... he was NOT sincere... nor did he leave me alone... .

[Mazda]

It WILL never happen.  They don't care what happens to you.  If you move on to be happy, it may hurt their ego.  Will they be happy for you? Hell no.   If they say they are, it's a lie.  :)epending on how far black you were split, they will either wish you suffering or feel complete apathy.  They don't wish us well or day bye because they simply couldn't care less.  It would,ake you feel better and that has no importance in their eyes.  My ex told me he never does anything he doesn't want to do.   .  They don't want to minimise our pain, in fact if you're painted black, they get a sadistic pleasure from it.

[strikeforce]

In my final communication with her at the beginning of Dec she told me to take care and then blocked me on Facebook

[KE151]

I guess they never say goodbye because they want to keep you in their life as a back up option. "End" and "final" are probably impossible for a BPD to comprehend. Just like they are for a 3 year old.

[Mazda]

I guess they never say goodbye because they want to keep you in their life as a back up option. "End" and "final" are probably impossible for a BPD to comprehend. Just like they are for a 3 year old.

Not if you're painted black.  Then they just don't want to give you a glimmer of peace or closure.

[Dutched]

I completed the “my puzzle” a 6 yrs. ago. Took me time to learn, more time to accept. Outbursts were minimized to 1, 2 times a yr. Could separate behaviour and person I loved. So to speak I did a good job, not good enough to prevent events however. Detachment after a 3 decades is maybe a slower process (and because of LC for S/D), although being aware of and accepting the disorder. 

Yes.   As being the devil, why wish the devil any luck.

As KE151 mention: toddler behaviour. Well, after years she went to her parents, a bit shy, but as if nothing happened.

As I am not her parent to whom she returned, maybe I am lucky in that way:   I am completely painted black     , but… the possibility of being a back up doesn't attract me!

 

[Turkish]

Did you experienced something similar?  What did it to you?

As boring as this reads: I first had to ACCEPT the fact that the person is suffering a mental illness.

You cannot wait for her to show YOU her values/decency anymore. It might never happen.

Love,

No. It isn't boring. I need to be periodically reminded of this, especially right now in my life where she has suddenly become "normal" after months and months of detached, childish behavior. A lot of us need this reminder. Thank you.

[Ironmanrises]

One of the final things my exUBDgf said to me on the final day of discard in round 2 was "Why are we still talking[on the phone]" and than "sighed" heavily. As if speaking to me was such an inconvenience to her. That was July 12 of last year. I haven't directly heard from her since. This was the same person that when she came back to me after leaving me in round 1 and then coming back to me yet again in Feb 2013 with the words "I want MY man back." Friends, I have resigned myself with a heavy heart and realized there will never be any closure from her. Maybe there would have been closure had I been interacting with her original, nice side pre-trigger. The aft-trigger god awful side to her, that berated, treated me like absolute sh¥t, had contempt for me and "sighed" at the end; there is no closure with that. My heart is broken.

[allweareisallweare]

They are self-centres of gravity, the people they get close to matter the least because they entered that zone, simple.

[free-n-clear]

They are self-centres of gravity, the people they get close to matter the least because they entered that zone, simple.

 We, in fact, become anti-matter (to them), having disappeared through the black hole of their joyless, pitiful soul.

 

[Aussie0zborn]

Because they don't want us to fare well or have good luck. 

They are our enemy and they want to defeat us. All they want is control. If they can't control you, they don't want to play any more.

It has nothing to do with you or what's good for you. It's all about them. They don't care what happens to you.

With all the wisdom here and excellent answers, advice, etc, this stands out as one of the most brilliant things I have read here.

I say that because at the beginning of separation it would take me hours to explain my situation to those who cared to listen. As you know, that bores people to death, so to speak. A quote that I read here for the first time, "Those that they love without measure they soon hate without reason" was equally brilliant.

Put the two together and you can easily explain it to anyone in 5 seconds or less... .

"Those whom they love without measure, they will soon hate without reason. All they want is control. If they can't control you, they don't want to play any more. They just want to destroy you".

I think that sums it up neatly and hence their reason for withholding closure.

[Pretty Woman]

Why don't they wish us luck or farewell?

Well because the reason this failed, this "relationship" is because of us. We are the problem. If you are lucky to get an "I'm sorry" from your ex or "This isn't working we both would be happier with someone else" you are damn lucky. Even then, still your fault.

I've been there. I was told I was her best friend and even though we should see other people. We went from that to her cutting all communication with me including changing her email address.

They never take responsibility for anything. It's the BPD thing.

[happylogist]

I guess from reading the stories - I see two strategies of a breakup with u/dBPD :

a) painting black and hate and b) offering their friendship, which is so often worse than being painted black, since it still has the potential of one day to be painted black, it is one-sided always (!), needy and egoistic, and is followed with the erosion of core values from both sides.

I had the privilege of agreeing to be "friends" - horrible! 

[MrConfused]

^ Agree with all of the above. Agreeing to be friends with them ends up a mess as they never act like one. You still end up walking on the same eggshells you would in a relationship with them with none of the benefits.

It's not like other post relationship friendships at all.

[Turkish]

when mine leaves,  if she wishes me luck,  my reply  will be. " luck has nothing to do with it."  the result will be the same if she asks me to wish that to her.

[forgetthepast]

Mine said, "I pray you find happiness and true love", but she couldn't say it to my face, it was through a text. This was on my birthday, one week after she dumped me for the last time, slammed the door in my face and wouldn't even talk to me when I tried to get an explanation of why she wouldn't return my calls.  Haven't heard from her in two years, except for one text where she had to tell me all the things I did that drove her away from me.

I bet she was actually on her knees praying that I find happiness and true love.  What a bunch of garbage.  

[MellowOddFellow]

i know some of you say its for the best, but part of me thinks about how you guys still get texts and whatnot, even if their sick desperation or rage acting up.

after spending literary EVERY day with someone for years and years and not even a "goodbye" or "so long" or anything, its still hard to swallow. i know its for the best in the long run but man... . its like NOTHING ever happened, like it was all in my mind.

not even a single word... . that will always stick with me... . i feel like nothing can hurt me now.