Remembering She is Mentally Ill

[peacebaby]

We've been exes almost 2 months after 12 years of living together.

I'm adjusting very well to life without her--so much happier literally all the time. Still have some PTSD stuff, but generally feeling good in my life and moving forward in a productive, positive way.

Except when it comes to her. This last month we've emailed or seen eachother about once a week. When I'm in contact with her for more than a short time, I start to feel really angry at her. Tonight I BPD'd out on her a bit with multiple nasty emails about how she's a domestic abuser etc.

One of the problems I've always had is remembering how crazy she is. Not only BPD but PMDD, major depressive disorder, rage disorder, ptst, etc etc. When she's being normal, I often used to forget she was crazy until it popped up again. So lately I've been just angry at her like she did all these awful things to me and expecting her to respond like she doesn't have BPD. I mean, she's said she failed me badly, that it was mostly her fault, and I know she believes that. But the thing is I can't expect her to be not crazy. I just have to keep separating from it.

I'm just SO ANGRY at her. And at me, of course, me most of all. I just wanted it to work out so badly.

Anyhow, I think the anger is out of my system for now but I need to keep remembering, as I heal, that my ex is seriously mentally ill.

[Perfidy]

We've been exes almost 2 months after 12 years of living together.

I'm adjusting very well to life without her--so much happier literally all the time. Still have some PTSD stuff, but generally feeling good in my life and moving forward in a productive, positive way.

Except when it comes to her. This last month we've emailed or seen eachother about once a week. When I'm in contact with her for more than a short time, I start to feel really angry at her. Tonight I BPD'd out on her a bit with multiple nasty emails about how she's a domestic abuser etc.

One of the problems I've always had is remembering how crazy she is. Not only BPD but PMDD, major depressive disorder, rage disorder, ptst, etc etc. When she's being normal, I often used to forget she was crazy until it popped up again. So lately I've been just angry at her like she did all these awful things to me and expecting her to respond like she doesn't have BPD. I mean, she's said she failed me badly, that it was mostly her fault, and I know she believes that. But the thing is I can't expect her to be not crazy. I just have to keep separating from it.

I'm just SO ANGRY at her. And at me, of course, me most of all. I just wanted it to work out so badly.

Anyhow, I think the anger is out of my system for now but I need to keep remembering, as I heal, that my ex is seriously mentally ill.

What are you angry about? There's a lot of truth in that when you want something really bad that's how you get it... . really bad. Be careful what you wish for.

[peacebaby]

What are you angry about? There's a lot of truth in that when you want something really bad that's how you get it... . really bad. Be careful what you wish for.[/quote]
What do you mean? How does it apply to my post?

[myself]

What could have been instead of what is. Me too. That's where the most FOG is, the most residual feelings. It's a temporary craziness we'll grow out of by detaching. We heard the wake up call. We need to remember that without our own sanity we've really lost it.

[peacebaby]

As both responses to this post don't make sense to me, I must have phrased things incorrectly and I've asked to have this thread taken down.

[Perfidy]

12 years is a long time peacebaby... . I do understand your pain in the breakup. The toxic feelings. The wanting and the anger. Wanting to find things wrong with them instead of looking at ourselves. She won't change. You seem to acknowledge this yet you still suffer. I know how hard it is to let go. It seems like the more screwed up they are the stringer the bond is. What I highlighted in bold says a lot for all of us. We wanted it really bad... . By god that's how it was... . Really bad. I certainly see your words about her.

What about you? What made you want to be with someone that abused you for so long?

[peacebaby]

This thread is still up so I'll be a good girl and attempt to answer it. I posted for support around remembering my x is crazy, and I got questions that made huge assumptions instead.

I ended my relationship with my partner after 4 years of wanting to end it.

I do not want her back.

I am not in love with her.

I do not long for her.

I hope that is clear--please read it a few times if it's not.

Last night I had an email communication with her that made me need to hammer into my brain that she is crazy--it's very important to remember that else the world seems real off. So I came over here to get that agreement, people with BPD don't usually see things too clearly and her behavior is classic BPD and I should not let it get to me. That's what my post was supposed to be and that was the response I was expecting.

Being misunderstood is one of my hugest triggers, so my conversation with her, then these responses--let's just say last night wasn't fun.

But now to you, perfidy. It seems like you're just projecting your own experiences on to mine and it's not appreciated.

"What about you? What made you want to be with someone that abused you for so long?"

Uh, gee, I didn't. Like pretty much everyone else on this board, I got sucked into something I wasn't prepared for that I thought I could handle. If you've spent any time on this board, you'd know how BPD relationships work and how people get sucked in by care-taking and feeling things will improve, and being in love, and etc. I'm shocked that it took me 12 years to get out, but there it is and I accept it. OH and thanks for telling me 12 years is a long time--my god, do you think I don't think about that chunk of my life being gone every day?  But thank you, perfidy, for your assumptions. Take a moment to notice the number of posts under my handle before assuming I haven't done any work on myself about this relationship. Thanks.

Oh and to all 105 people who've read this thread so far--hi there! 

[strikeforce]

Hey Peacebaby 

Glad to hear your much happier 2 months out.

I'm currently a month on NC and feeling good, but reading posts like this helps a lot as you said yourself, remembering they are mentally ill, but it is sometimes easy to forget.

[peacebaby]

Hey Peacebaby 

Glad to hear your much happier 2 months out.

I'm currently a month on NC and feeling good, but reading posts like this helps a lot as you said yourself, remembering they are mentally ill, but it is sometimes easy to forget.

Hey Strikeforce! Glad you're feeling good! I've been so much happier since the moment she left my home. I'm starting to understand why NC can be really useful, though. Being pulled back into any form of her reality is not a healthy thing.

[strikeforce]

Hey Peacebaby 

Glad to hear your much happier 2 months out.

I'm currently a month on NC and feeling good, but reading posts like this helps a lot as you said yourself, remembering they are mentally ill, but it is sometimes easy to forget.

Hey Strikeforce! Glad you're feeling good! I've been so much happier since the moment she left my home. I'm starting to understand why NC can be really useful, though. Being pulled back into any form of her reality is not a healthy thing.

Thanks 

Yeah NC has worked wonders although I still fear what my reaction will be if she ever contacts again.

[patientandclear]

PB, just want to say that your post makes sense to me.  Getting angry at them being how they are doesn't help (or maybe the anger helps us, but communicating it is pointless). I agree, a mantra of "s/he is seriously mentally ill" is really useful, maybe the single most useful thing we can hold onto.

I also get how frustrating it can be to be told that you need to work on yourself.  My particular journey here has been one where I keep implementing boundaries, I didn't stay for "abuse" -- but then have had the hardest time not second-guessing myself because I didn't play it out in the way that many of these r/ships play out, and I don't know for sure that if I'd given us a different kind of chance, it might not have worked out, and I loved him so much ... .

We are not all in the same situation and the lessons to be taken away are not all the same.  You left.  You & your ex made what sounds like an incredibly mature, mutually loving decision to end the e/s.  I've been impressed since reading your initial posts about it.

But it makes sense that you still have residual feelings of "I wanted it to work so much" and frustration that it couldn't because of her limits.

[peacebaby]

Thanks Patientandclear.

I am going to post this again and see if anyone reads it this time:

"I'm just SO ANGRY at her. And at me, of course, me most of all. I just wanted it to work out so badly. "

Translation: I am angry at both of us. I am angry most of all at me for staying, and one of the main reasons I stayed was because I still wanted it to work. Why doesn't anyone see that I used the word "wanted" the past tense of the word "want"?

I don't have wistful feelings about it not working, I don't have romantic feelings about it not working, I have angry and disappointed feelings about it. I am happy that it didn't work out--it was unhealthy from the start. And it's been years since there was any possibility of it working out--I gave up that dream about two years ago. I do not want to be with her at all, there's not a moment of any day that I wish we were still together, never, not once in two months have I wished for that. I don't even MISS HER. I got caught up in he facebook bullsh!t and that reminded me that I can't let my feelings have anything to do with her craziness anymore.

And I always work on myself, I am still working on myself, but I forgot how much one must over-explain ones self on this board or else people assume you feel like they feel. Working on myself is the most important thing, HOW COULD ANYONE ASSUME THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AT THIS STUPID BOARD WOULD I NOT LEARN THE ONE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON--WORK ON YOURSELF? It's just like, the most insulting thing.

Anyway, all I've posted here in the last two months is how happy I am at my relationship being over and how good I feel in every aspect of my life. I got too close to my x's crazy last night. I think I've made my point. God I hope so.

[Learning_curve74]

peacebaby, from what you wrote it's obvious you're disappointed that you couldn't work things out with her, and it makes you angry. Who wants to put in that time and effort to feel like they failed in the end?

Don't you have 12 years experience of living with "crazy" as evidence that she's mentally ill? Do you still have legal, children, pet, money, or property issues to hash out with her? If not, and knowing that she's a trigger for your anger, what do you get out of weekly contact with her that makes it worth it? If you do have unresolved issues that require contact, can you make them short and business-like just like interactions with a business contact or co-worker you really dislike?

[seeking balance]

Hey Peacebaby,

I do know your story - and the anger you feel is justified and quite simple... . grief.

No matter what, this relationship and this woman - you did love, you tried and it is not the picture you hoped, even if you are happier.

You are going to go through grief and I know you know this.  Remember, anger is part of grief... . it is absolutely normal to be angry with her.  It may be your weekly contact is triggering this anger and things need to look different so you can fully heal.

You have been on the staying board a long time - the leaving board tends to work a bit different in support - sounds like the support you are looking for is validation.

I know this all sucks, even if you are happier - there is no way that it could not.  Grief has to be processed whether we like it or not and anger is a HUGE part of it.

Hang in there and give yourself the space you need.

Peace,

SB

[DreamGirl]

Thread locked at thread host's request.