Just wanted to share a bit as your opening question hit close to home.
First I'll give a bare bones summary of my related experience:
I caught uPDxw having an affair with her then-BFF's husband. Background - we'd been married approximately 3 years, our S9 was 2 at the time. We'd been together, first LDR, then local, then cohabitating for several years prior to marriage. And before that we'd been friends in college.
We were moving from my home town to a new city where I'd been offered a big job promotion. New city was roughly 1/2 way between her parents home town, and my home town where most of my family was and still is. I'd wanted to move to a new place eventually, was sick of home town. Had been to many places I thought I'd like better. uPDxw also was very far from her family, they'd moved away from my home town area when she was finishing college.
So when the job offer came up, my company would pay for the move, big raise, much cheaper real estate so able to upgrade home, and it made visits to her family easier while still being able to drive (a day's drive) to visit mine, plus we liked the new area when we visited it, it all seemed tailor made to what we wanted to do. So we moved.
However... . my company asked me to spend an extra 6 weeks in home town office after move. We didn't know anyone in new town. uPDxw is PD (I didn't realize it, she was weird about somethings and excessively stubborn about others, but her full blown dysfunction had not hit as bad as it would later). They offered me an extra bonus to stay the 6 weeks. So, after talking the uPDxw, I took it. To make the rest of the story short, she stressed herself out packing for the move, then stressed herself out about not knowing anyone and about being alone for 6 weeks. Cue the abandonment feelings.
Now, I will always suspect strongly she had other affairs prior, I could never prove it, and managed to convince myself to stay in denial when I definitely should not have. Long story , too long to tell here.
But she had gotten very enmeshed with her BFF and BFF's husband. I didn't know how much until later. Turns out the day the movers loaded our stuff up and shipped out, she started a physical affair with BFF's husband. She told me to go to my parents where we were staying with then-S2, and she'd finish cleaning a few things in the now empty house and then would be along. I found out later she set it up so BFF's husband could come over and she could screw him. We moved, then came back a few times for visits. On each visit she managed to finagle opportunity to go screw him again. She did this in secret at BFF's house while BFF was there sleeping, while at my parent's house when only my niece was home, and other times.
I eventually found incriminating emails between uPDxw and BFF's husband. Also found suggestive emails between uPDxw and BFF. I believe she was in some kind of triangle with the two of them, only the two of them didn't know about the other! Building up to that, I became more and more suspicious, hence why I was looking for proof. I was told I was paranoid, mocked and insulted because I didn't trust her, etc. The standard guilt tripping act that we've all experienced here. Even when confronted with undeniable proof, she tried to lie her way out at first. It wasn't until several weeks after she admitted to everything. I never revealed just how much I knew, or how I found out, but she didn't confess to her affair with BFF's husband until she had no other choice. She never confessed to anything with BFF either, despite the suggestive emails I had. In fact, she never once confessed to something until she knew I already knew about it AND had undeniable proof. She remains this way in her behavior to this day.
After confronting, shining the light on her secrets, and watching the roaches scatter so to speak, I ended up giving it about a year to try to rebuild things with her. I got guilted for not understanding how much it hurt to lose BFF, etc. I got guilted, ignored, etc. for the whole year. She was mad that I had caught her, and had outed her. She kept trying to stay in touch with BFF and BFF's husband. The two of them were sporadic in contact with her. They'd contact her, then back out again, the whole thing was such a mess.
She never quit lying. Still hasn't. She never quit manipulating. Still hasn't. I got the lines about needing to grow to be the wife I need. I got everything. It's like these idiots have a manual they all follow. And each time I caught another lie, she'd get mad and find some way to punish me again. I got painted black to everyone we met, it was so sick.
After that year, I knew I would never have the relationship I wanted WITH HER. I knew all I would do in staying with her is demonstrate to our son that how not to do it was how to do it. He'd see the wrong things and think they were right. I couldn't do that to me, or him.
Then I caught her talking to neighbors and a divorce L about how awful I was. I filed for D as fast as I could, and then the real devaluing and rages and punishment started. How dare I abandon her type reactions. She never understood, and still doesn't, that I D'd for self preservation. In her world where it's all about her, it could only be about trying to hurt her more, just like outing her affair was to her, just like holding her accountable for her misconducts, etc.
I'm wondering if anyone has experience staying with a B/NPDh or SO or w despite infidelity. How did it work?
As described above, with uPDxw, it didn't work.
My not officially dNPDh had an affair and is back in contact with ow. H actions are amazingly egregious, frightening, took me by surprise. I've posted the details on the new member board and especially on the divorce board. Given that we have 2 small children and the first time he had an affair he almost walked out to live with OW, pornography, fetish, etc., was involved, I filed for divorce when I found out this time he was in touch again with OW.
Filing is prudent. You have your livelihood to protect, as well as your kids.
We are both in IC and MC, although I'm not sure going to MC is worthwhile if there are more than 2 people in our marriage. Anyone have experience with that?
See above. Yes. Marriage doesn't function at all in those circumstances.
H tells me he doesn't want a divorce, but he also says things like my asking for online passwords, etc., prevent him from giving them to him because I ask every day (I don't ask every day, I stopped talking to him when I found out he was in touch with her again). He also says he needs time to get strong and be able to be the "kind of man" I can be married to. I wonder if he's just buying time to walk out on his timeline, or if he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
It's a bunch of BS designed to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself and you'll stop. It's a control means and it's emotionally abusive to you. You have a right to walk away from this. Further, you have a responsibility to yourself to do it. Nobody else is going to take care of you, so you're responsible for doing it yourself.
I don't want to divorce - the thought makes me literally sick. But now I know what it feels like when he's having an affair and it drags me down to nothing. I sure don't want to feel like that anymore. How do you prevent that feeling? If we didn't have kids I'd leave.
I hated having to D. Still do. I grew to the point where uPDxw's antics didn't drag me down anymore. That happens when you allow your misbehaving spouse to FOG you. I got out of the FOG and realized I wasn't nothing, I deserved much better. That's the key to preventing that feeling of being nothing and worthless - getting out the FOG they try to keep you in.
As for kids, what example of family and marriage do you want to set for them? What they are currently seeing, or something better? Well, staying in bad circumstances will prevent you from getting into better circumstances. Staying with the wrong person will block you from getting with the right person. Staying for the kids is letting guilt stop you from doing what you need to do. It's FOG.
Is there anyone who has made their way through this?
Yup. Just didn't get through it and still stay with uPDxw. But I'm much happier and better, and therefore able to take care of me better, and able to be a better father to my son.
Do you ever feel love between you and your SO again?
Honestly, I wasn't able to with uPDxw. And she never cared to try.
Do you ever feel an intimate connection?
I was never able to.
I'm told by IC and MC it could take H decades to work through his stuff, MC says there will be relapses. It's awful not knowing how everything will work out and having this feeling of inadequacy (I've never felt this before) as a wife and now in the bedroom, and feeling H doesn't love me anymore (and maybe he never did in a real way?).
It will take a long time for your H to work through it all. He has to admit a problem, then learn new ways of dealing with it. Without new ways, he'll always revert to old habits. You can't break old habits without learning new habits to replace the old ones.
As for feeling inadequate - that's his FOG you're in. You're not inadequate. He is. he's the one cheating, not you. He's the one screwing up his kid's family. Not you. Focus on behaviors and don't get sucked into the FOG he's sending your way.
I'd suggest low contact with him right now. Someone else mentioned it, but look up Shirley Glass's "180". It's a way of rebuilding yourself in these situations.
Now - just to be clear, I'm not saying he can't come 'round and become a better man. I'm just sharing that in my case of dealing with this cr@p, my wife didn't. And still hasn't. She shows me more everyday why I was better off D'ing her. I don't regret it one bit.
