Adding/Subtracting value in your life

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I read this webpage from the lady who wrote "walking on eggshells".  

The first part is what a healthy relationship is.  I can honestly say that the relationship I was in had none (ZERO) of these characteristics in it.  I sure as hell tried.  But after a while, I gave up.  This shows me that if I were a healthy human being with confidence in myself; I could have given her the walking papers 11 years ago.  Bittersweet, if that had happened I wouldn't have a beautiful young boy.

The next section talks about what a high conflict relationship is... . Again, I can relate to all of these and they are all high on the scale of 1-10.

The next three sections discuss BPD need to fill their emptiness, how they need to feel good about themselves, and how they control their environment (this especially).  Ya'll my hiting jaw dropped.  I have experienced EVERY one of these things from my ex.  There must be over 50 examples.  I no longer feel like I am the one with BPD! YAY!    I am no longer scared that her new man and her will get married and live happily ever after because even if they do, it IS going to be toxic!  

You all know, I sat on my pitty pot all weekend and ruminated on all the mistakes I made in the relationship and played the what if game... . I think I AM going to stick around a while... . If you have time read the article, it's great.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201209/can-people-personality-disorders-have-healthy-relationships

Discuss

[arn131arn]

I read this webpage from the lady who wrote "walking on eggshells".  

The first part is what a healthy relationship is.  I can honestly say that the relationship I was in had none (ZERO) of these characteristics in it.  I sure as hell tried.  But after a while, I gave up.  This shows me that if I were a healthy human being with confidence in myself; I could have given her the walking papers 11 years ago.  Bittersweet, if that had happened I wouldn't have a beautiful young boy.

The next section talks about what a high conflict relationship is... . Again, I can relate to all of these and they are all high on the scale of 1-10.

The next three sections discuss BPD need to fill their emptiness, how they need to feel good about themselves, and how they control their environment (this especially).  Ya'll my hiting jaw dropped.  I have experienced EVERY one of these things from my ex.  There must be over 50 examples.  I no longer feel like I am the one with BPD! YAY!    I am no longer scared that her new man and her will get married and live happily ever after because even if they do, it IS going to be toxic!  

You all know, I sat on my pitty pot all weekend and ruminated on all the mistakes I made in the relationship and played the what if game... . I think I AM going to stick around a while... . If you have time read the article, it's great.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201209/can-people-personality-disorders-have-healthy-relationships

Discuss

[Perfidy]

Good stuff arn. You sure sound a lot better and getting interested in your self more. Keep it up!

[laelle]

I read this webpage from the lady who wrote "walking on eggshells".  

The first part is what a healthy relationship is.  I can honestly say that the relationship I was in had none (ZERO) of these characteristics in it.  I sure as hell tried.  But after a while, I gave up.  This shows me that if I were a healthy human being with confidence in myself; I could have given her the walking papers 11 years ago.  Bittersweet, if that had happened I wouldn't have a beautiful young boy.

The next section talks about what a high conflict relationship is... . Again, I can relate to all of these and they are all high on the scale of 1-10.

The next three sections discuss BPD need to fill their emptiness, how they need to feel good about themselves, and how they control their environment (this especially).  Ya'll my hiting jaw dropped.  I have experienced EVERY one of these things from my ex.  There must be over 50 examples.  I no longer feel like I am the one with BPD! YAY!    I am no longer scared that her new man and her will get married and live happily ever after because even if they do, it IS going to be toxic!  

You all know, I sat on my pitty pot all weekend and ruminated on all the mistakes I made in the relationship and played the what if game... . I think I AM going to stick around a while... . If you have time read the article, it's great.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201209/can-people-personality-disorders-have-healthy-relationships

Discuss

Very Good News Arn!  The further out you get, you begin to see the "sickness" and how their sickness "consumed" the quality of your life.  No use looking back on what could have been, and instead focus on what your life has the potential to be.  It is you who controls your life, not her.

They have to live their lives inside their own chaos.  You can be, see and do anything you want!  Regardless how long her new relationship lasts, you know that it will be full of the same behavior that was in your relationship, and will eventually end in abandonment or being abandoned.

Look at the logical aspect of it.  An abuser will always end up alone because they abuse others.  They will not stop abusing others until they confront and overcome some pretty powerful manipulative coping mechanisms.  Most abusers are not willing, want or are able to do the work.  In their eyes, it has worked well for them so far.

Sad, but not your problem.  You are linked with a child, and when you feel ready, reading on the staying board would really help you out in your communication with her.

You now have to focus on you and your co parenting relationship with your ex.

 

[arn131arn]

I don't think the relationship she is currently in will end.  I think he is NPD and supposedly they are the perfect match for the BPD.  But I know it will be a power/control game between the two, maybe for eternity.

In which  case, I will find something allot more fullfilling... . more meaningful

[laelle]

Arn, There is no "perfect" match in a relationship involving mental illness.  She mirrors his greatness back at him, but she will also mirror his ugly side.  Even a BPD will be eaten alive by someone with NPD.  BPD hurt others unintentionally, NPD's hurt intentionally. They feed and find pleasure in it.

My question is would you want to continue a relationship now, understanding that she is abusive, lacks empathy, will never allow your wants and needs to be addressed, and drives you looney toons?

[arn131arn]

No mam, I do not want her back.  I believe that was the point of the past weekend, and what I REALLY needed.  I was a wreck, but I am living

[laelle]

Soo Good to hear!

It is normal to be a wreck under the circumstances!  I would take being a wreck that is healing vs being a basket case with the end of chaos nowhere in sight.

[Lol4fun]

Good stuff! Went and read the article and all the stuff about what a healthy relationship is is exactly what I want. I had even communicated this to my ex when we were together. All ours was the dysfunctional. I'm reading mars & Venus on a date as next time I'm taking it slow the way it is supposed to develop.

[arn131arn]

Good stuff! Went and read the article and all the stuff about what a healthy relationship is is exactly what I want. I had even communicated this to my ex when we were together. All ours was the dysfunctional. I'm reading mars & Venus on a date as next time I'm taking it slow the way it is supposed to develop.

No kidding, huh?

This ever happened to you?

Me:  Do you think we need to communicate better?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I think if we talked about how we feel, maybe we wouldn't fight so much.

Her: What do you want to talk about?

I loved this hit!  Answering questions with more and more questions.  It's like you are not even speaking the same language... After 14 years of this, I would just go along with it... . keep asking questions, after questions after questions... . I was really going out of my tits

[laelle]

Good stuff! Went and read the article and all the stuff about what a healthy relationship is is exactly what I want. I had even communicated this to my ex when we were together. All ours was the dysfunctional. I'm reading mars & Venus on a date as next time I'm taking it slow the way it is supposed to develop.

No kidding, huh?

This ever happened to you?

Me:  Do you think we need to communicate better?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I think if we talked about how we feel, maybe we wouldn't fight so much.

Her: What do you want to talk about?

I loved this hit!  Answering questions with more and more questions.  It's like you are not even speaking the same language... After 14 years of this, I would just go along with it... . keep asking questions, after questions after questions... . I was really going out of my tits

It is being passive aggressive.  Her words say "Lets talk", but her actions say "your weak or too sensitive".

[Lol4fun]

Arne,

Yes I have experienced those types of conversations. Mine at first was all talk but basically saying whatever he needed to say to get me to be hooked and to give the relationship a chance did this 4 days into us dating.  Then fast fwd and when something would happen I would validate his feelings ect. Ask him how I could fix it as his feelings and so forth are important to me. I got met with your driving me nuts I'm done talking I'm turning OFF my phone for the rest of the evening and having ME time. He could communicate everything he didn't like about me but, when it came to discussing it constructively and trying to figure out how to move fwd for the better instant shut down then push me away.

[laelle]

LOL... ME time  Always came at an opportune moment... . FOR HIM.

I soo remember this one!

[seeking balance]

Arn,

This is a good example of focusing on the FACTS of the disorder.

Focusing on facts, we can detach and grieve; make the decisions for us not in reaction.

Read some stuff from Marsha Linehan if you get a chance.  Also, youtube has good stuff on Tami Green - a recovered pwBPD that is very good as well.

Best,

SB