My daughters therapist

[Hellbon]

I am so glad that l finally decided to join this group,and reading so many other story's from other parents with a child with BPD. Even though l try to read all l can get my hands since my daughter was diagnosed early last year, it's even better being able to talk to familys with the same problems. I want to ask about setting boundarys with my daughter, as she lives with us and seems to have a habit of turning everything around, and l end up being the one in feeling that maybe l am the one in the wrong, and this then can cause fights with her father as the things she can say to me are extremely nasty and hurtful. My usual reaction is to keep quiet and not fight back, but there are some things. That she says that are so nasty such as next time l go to my therapist I will spend my time telling her how you are my problem and you make my life he'll ,if she finds out l have spoken to her therapist  she tells me it's not my right and that she is 26. But sometimes my 26 year old talented beautiful daughter acts not 26 but 16 and l worry so much , is it normal for me not to be asked to participate. In any of her appointment ,as l am sure she isn't truthful at times and hold a lot of what really happens back. I love my daughter so much and just want her to be safe and happy  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I have the same problem with my dd16... . I am constantly walking that line. she needs a safe place to talk to her therapist without me being involved but I feel the same as you... . she is not truthful and is resistant to change. Right now I am really not having any communication directly with her therapist and I think it is best. This is something she has to do herself... . I can not do it for her... . she needs to step up and do the work.

[MammaMia]

As an adult, your daughter is entitled to privacy with her therapist.  Does she  always tell the truth about what is going on in her life?  Probably not.

I think the best we can do as parents of adult children with BPD is to make their  therapist aware we are available if THEY feel the need to contact us.  Another option might be for your therapist to interact with your dd's therapist on a professional level when and if necessary.

We are all so glad you found BPDF.  There is safety and comfort here as well as so much reliable information on this disorder.  We all need support to deal with BPD in a loved-one, and no one understands what you are saying better than others facing the same exact issues.

Welcome and thank you for joining us.

[qcarolr]

Hellbon   

This is a common question, especially for we parents with adult kids with BPD. My BPDDD27 has always resisted doing any kind of therapy. If her T is good, and your DD sticks with it over time, then there should be some benefit even if your version of reality is not shared.

I really like the idea of letting the T know you are open to sharing your perspective, if your D would authorize this.

There is a lot of research that shows great benefit to involving  the supportive people in the treatment plan with BPD. It is hard to make this happen with our adult kids. Especially if they are in the place of blaming us for all wrong in their lives.

What has helped my relationship the most with my DD has been learning and practicing validation skills. I have also done a lot of work in getting to know myself better, in my own T, and setting some protective limits around my core values with a lot of people in my life. Over time, our r/s has improved so that DD has asked me to share some of her background and evaluations with her current treatment team. She has not signed a release to do this independently - ie. she is there in the room when I meet with the T or with the probation officer (her T is court ordered with harassment convictions).

Some of the work I have done with my T is to learn to let go of many expectations with my DD. And the desire to be in control of any part of her life. Such hard and painful work for me.

We are all glad you found us. Have you checked out the links for TOOL and LESSONS to the right? There is some great help there to make things better.

qcr

[PaulaJeanne]

My daughter's last therapist made it very clear that he worked for her & her only. My only role in this was to foot the bill. I had to hope that his PhD in psychology gave him enough insight to know how BPD's distort the truth. My own T told me that a lot of therapists won't treat BPD's. There's a DBT place not too far from where we live, and there it's the whole family who gets treated. But it's not covered by insurance and it's terribly expensive & a big commitment, so not happening for us any time soon.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am sure her therapist is aware that lying and exaggerating are hallmarks of BPD!  We are glad your found this support group!  It really helps!

[Tolou]

Hi, and welcome.

Your doing a great job, I mean that.  Hopefully if the thrapist is skilled and knows what she is doing, you need not worry, she can see through all that.  The focus in the session will end up back on her no matter what she is saying about other people, including you. Even though she may act 16 at times, she is 26, an adult.  If in therapy, she needs that to be her place.  People growth in therapy, from I have learned in working with people who need therapy, is however long it takes them. Regardless of what she is saying to the therapist, the fact that she is going good.  Maybe, have you ever gone to therapy for yourself?  Because it does help for someone to validate that you are being rational when she is not... . or you can continue to look here for support or other networks you may have.  Learn how to set up healthy boundaries with, if she is dependent on you, let her know there certain lines that you will not tolerate being crossed, follow through with.  Learn different way to communiate with her if your ways have not been effective in making a change.  Not a change of her, but what is going on in your relationship.  She will only change when she is ready and sees the absolute need to. continue to be strong, you are not alone in this.

[emomum]

Hi an big hugs, my dd is 21 and has gone through a variety of therapists. It takes time for a therapist to get to know the BPD person and initially they need to respond to what they are being told, however as time goes on the therapist will recognise the dishonesty and manipulation that is displayed, unfortunately this is a challenging time in  a therapist and BPD persons relationship and often the therapy breaks down and a new therapist is sought and the cycle starts again. I hope your dd sticks with the therapist as this is when the work really starts. In terms of your needs, I know from experience that the type of very hurtful and vicious things they say makes you want to shout out to their therapist it is not true. My dd regularly accuses my husband of physically abusing her, he has on occasion needed to restrain her to stop her hurting me but he has never hit her. Her therapy always starts with them believing her and advising her to keep her distance which she then joyfully repeats to me and it hurts and yes I want to go and tell them the truth but it is not my place. I do offer and she says no, that's ok. I know the truth. My advice stay strong, you know the truth and hang onto that truth. Love yourself and try to make a space in your life she has nothing to do with, it helps! x 

[ncmoms]

My daughter's previous therapist would try and listen to my side of stories and then work with DD accordingly.  Unfortunately, it got to a point that DD realized that whenever I'd mention something to her therapist there was a connection to her getting called out on it.   She began refusing to go to therapy anymore and went on a downward spiral for awhile.

I have since stopped trying to provide input to her therapy because I just have to trust that the therapist knows what she's doing and will see through lies and ask the appropriate things to find out what's going on.