Guardian

[Imreadytodate]

Ok

my first meeting with Guardian A L next week. How do I prepare?

[ForeverDad]

Just as with judges, lawyers, therapists, evaluators and other professionals, they are not all good or all bad.  Training, experience, not pre-biased and being perceptive can make the difference between solutions versus enabling.

Be aware too that many GALs are lawyers, hopefully with a focus on issues confronting the children.  So that means they may be more focused on the legal aspects rather than the therapeutic aspects.  Read as deals, settlements or middle of the road recommendations.

That said, be sure to focus most on how your children are impacted.  While the inter-parent conflict (adult behaviors between adults) is noteworthy, it doesn't mean anything to the GAL unless it somehow impacts the children and how they are parented (parenting behaviors).

I recently, some 8 years since separation, nearly 6 years since final decree and nearly 3 years since I got custody, only recently did the court comment on mother's "continual disparagement" or that she "berated" father in the child's presence.  Largely this delay was caused by several factors.  Major reason was that whenever we had a settlement, then none of the prior conflict was mentioned in the terms.  Another reason was that most professionals try to avoid putting anything on the record that makes one parent look worse than the other parent, they don't want one parent to be the winner and the other a loser.  So my advice to you is, while not trying to declare a winner or loser, to do your best to get the poor behaviors mentioned and if in court then "on the record".  Since the evaluators and courts pay more attention to the parenting - neglect, abuse, endangerment - focus the most attention and priority on the parenting behaviors.  Still mention the adult behaviors, especially if the children are exposed to them, but make sure all see your concern is on how the children are impacted.

[livednlearned]

Do you think there is parental alienation going on? If the GAL is an attorney, and not well trained, he or she may not know how to handle parental alienation. It's good for you (even without a GAL involved) to understand PA -- I read your first post and it sounds like your ex is applying tactics, which isn't uncommon in high-conflict divorces.

I recommend reading Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak this weekend so you know what kinds of behaviors to share with the GAL. It's NOT a good idea to dx your ex or say that it's parental alienation -- most third-party professionals will not take kindly to that. They don't want the average layperson thinking it's easy to diagnose such complex behaviors. So focus on the behaviors  and let the GAL draw conclusions based on that.

For example:

"The kids came home last weekend and seemed to think that I let my girlfriend sleep overnight and walk around naked with a feather duster on her head. But I don't have a girlfriend, and I feel strongly that even if I did, she would not be invited to sleep here while my kids are in the house. They have been through a lot and I am focusing on them, not dating or bringing anyone into our lives, especially while we figure out custody."

As opposed to:

"My ex is brainwashing my kids and badmouthing me, and is practicing parental alienation. It is a very common behavior among people with BPD. She hasn't been diagnosed, but I know she's crazy and anyone with a brain in their head can see she has a mental illness."