Have they ever embarrassed you in public?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife is in PR and has to communicate with people on a regular basis so she knows how to be friendly and socialize.  But at various points, from early on, when we'd be around friends or particularly my family, she'd be withdrawn or detached, almost dare I say... . cold, in social settings (which she said was my fault because I criticized her too much about this very issue so I was actually the one responsible for the initial problem I tried to address in the first place... . follow me here?  )  Then when we'd leave she'd act like everything was fine and say, "Hey that was fun!"  What?

This made me uncomfortable, to be honest, but more to the point... . has your BPD significant other really embarrassed you in public?  Besides the "stuck-up" detached behavior from my wife at times, one occurrence that really stands out in my mind was this:

My wife was being attacked in the local media about her position (she worked for a school district) and was feeling really down about.  So the white knight in me thought, "I'm going to defend my woman."  I wrote an anonymous letter to the editor of the paper and made a thoroughly thoughtful defense of her and her position and she was so pleased someone took the time from the public to recognize her worth and stand up for her.

We were having dinner at a restaurant and during dinner I told my wife that I had written this anonymous letter.  I was expecting a gracious and thoughtful "awwww, that's so sweet of you."  Instead, she PANICKED.  FREAKED OUT. Ran to the bathroom.  Everyone in the restaurant staring at me - looking at me like I had said something horribly offensive and vicious to my wife.  We had to leave with all our food on the table.  She told me that I humiliated her by writing that letter because everyone in her office believed it was from someone in the public.  And that I was a liar for initially not saying it was me from the start.  (I took a week to say it was me).  I guess I had been deceptive for being the one to write it but I just wanted to defend her because of how hurt she had been by the negative attacks in paper.  What I thought was a selfless act of caring turned into a ruined evening.   

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

My wife is in PR and has to communicate with people on a regular basis so she knows how to be friendly and socialize.  But at various points, from early on, when we'd be around friends or particularly my family, she'd be withdrawn or detached, almost dare I say... . cold, in social settings (which she said was my fault because I criticized her too much about this very issue so I was actually the one responsible for the initial problem I tried to address in the first place... . follow me here?  )  Then when we'd leave she'd act like everything was fine and say, "Hey that was fun!"  What?

This made me uncomfortable, to be honest, but more to the point... . has your BPD significant other really embarrassed you in public?  Besides the "stuck-up" detached behavior from my wife at times, one occurrence that really stands out in my mind was this:

My wife was being attacked in the local media about her position (she worked for a school district) and was feeling really down about.  So the white knight in me thought, "I'm going to defend my woman."  I wrote an anonymous letter to the editor of the paper and made a thoroughly thoughtful defense of her and her position and she was so pleased someone took the time from the public to recognize her worth and stand up for her.

We were having dinner at a restaurant and during dinner I told my wife that I had written this anonymous letter.  I was expecting a gracious and thoughtful "awwww, that's so sweet of you."  Instead, she PANICKED.  FREAKED OUT. Ran to the bathroom.  Everyone in the restaurant staring at me - looking at me like I had said something horribly offensive and vicious to my wife.  We had to leave with all our food on the table.  She told me that I humiliated her by writing that letter because everyone in her office believed it was from someone in the public.  And that I was a liar for initially not saying it was me from the start.  (I took a week to say it was me).  I guess I had been deceptive for being the one to write it but I just wanted to defend her because of how hurt she had been by the negative attacks in paper.  What I thought was a selfless act of caring turned into a ruined evening.   

[arn131arn]

Mine loved to go outside the house and have an arguement.

Instead of having a civilized conversation about it indoors, she would go outside and start yelling/screaming at me so the neighbors could hear everything.

Embarrassing really

[Monarch Butterfly]

My uBPDh is just the opposite. Outdoors and in public he is an angel. He is the best husband a woman could want and I've had some people tell me that I am so lucky to have found him.

But indoors... .

[Perfidy]

She was non discriminate... . At home, in the car,with friends, in public, in private. Anytime, anywhere. Genuine and sincerely. Just like a three year old.

[ogopogodude]

Mine loved to go outside the house and have an arguement.

Instead of having a civilized conversation about it indoors, she would go outside and start yelling/screaming at me so the neighbors could hear everything.

Embarrassing really

ditto, ... my ex thrived on this, ... .

[ogopogodude]

This is one of the many reasons why I left her. ... . I had had enuf of her b s .

[RecycledNoMore]

She was non discriminate... . At home, in the car,with friends, in public, in private. Anytime, anywhere. Genuine and sincerely. Just like a three year old.

Yup same here, he would start an argument anywhere, it was as if no one else was around,if he wanted to fight, nothing and no one could stop him, he once threw a full bottle of milk at me in the middle of town, then sauntered off to get a drink.

Thirsty work humiliating your gf.

[maxen]

mine drank alot. at home, in public. yes i was embarrassed.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

But was I at all wrong in my attempt to defend her through that letter to the editor?  I know I wasn't upfront initially (for about a week) but her reaction was clearly out of the norm right?

[love4meNOTu]

I don't know seeking... .

It's too late to change it now, right? It is what it is. It's not like you intended to hurt her, so perhaps you can give yourself a break on this matter.

Mine embarrassed me several times in public, in front of friends and in front of family.

Yelled at me and called me ungrateful in a car dealership. I left.

Criticized me in front of his son. That was in the car, so I was stuck.

He was mean to me in front of friends, my best friend's husband called him on it, told him he was being mean. I barely noticed it. sigh...

Yelled at me in the driveway of my home... .

Yelled at me in front of my boys (twice). That was the last straw for me.

Hugs,

L

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Obviously there was no intention to hurt her.  My intentions were very very sweet.  Oh well, can't change the past like you say.

[Pearl55]

Seekingadvise

She felt you controlled her by writing that letter. That's why she panicked. They react like this when they sense somebody else wants to control them. Your intention was very sweet but she is not able to realize it. She's only a 3 year old! You triggered her emotions.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Seekingadvise

She felt you controlled her by writing that letter. That's why she panicked. They react like this when they sense somebody else wants to control them. Your intention was very sweet but she is not able to realize it. She's only a 3 year old! You triggered her emotions.

Thank you for the perspective Pearl!  That's what I thought.  Her reaction was certainly that of a 3 year old.  That was such an embarrassing day.

[Mazda]

But was I at all wrong in my attempt to defend her through that letter to the editor?  I know I wasn't upfront initially (for about a week) but her reaction was clearly out of the norm right?

Seeking advice, you, my friend, are still caught in the FOG.  Of course you were not n the wrong.  You had her best intentions at heart and were trying to make her feel better.  You owned up after it had made that effect.  You are considerate and honest.  A NORMAL person would appreciate that, and at worst, tell you to have been honest, but then get over that quickly and appreciate you for what you did.  She is NOT normal, or decent, or anything but consumed with herself so can't see your good deeds.  You are better off.  Come out Of the FOG, it will take time, but then you will find a normal person and appreciate the, so much more!

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thanks Mazda... . I'm working very very hard to come out of this FOG.  I've made great strides in just this week alone.  I think to have someone as intelligent as her and persuasive as her in your ear and in you mind for as long as she has been (14 years) you lose your sense of normalcy.  I'm working hard to get that back.

[Waifed]

Never. She wanted to portray this sweet innocent persona. Of course she didn't rage at me indoors either. Just a pure passive aggressive silent treatment type of woman.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Mainly he would act like the knight in shining armor in public. Put on a Big show for most people. It's how he hooked me. People call him _____ with the heart of gold. Family, work, and others think he is amazing.

However in from of strangers at times his mask will fall off. He used to claim after these events that he had panic attacks but my therapist later said people don't tend to rage in panic. That it was more narsissistic injury for something not going his way.

-once raged at the poor young car wash girl because there was a line of cars and we were kind of trapped in. I was embarrassed but felt really bad for her.

-once at the grocery store the self check out was acting up so he walked out angry and left me standing there with all the groceries on the belt and I hadn't brought my purse in. Had to just leave with all the groceries sitting there and tell the checkout person we couldn't take them. Then he raged at me in the car like I did something wrong. Again he claimed anxiety.

- left me at a restaurant twice. One time because I had the nerve to ask the waitress what kind of wine they had and when she said she wasn't sure I asked if she could check. He said I was rude for asking. How does she know she's young.? Huh? she works there! And I wasn't rude. But ok for him to rage at car wash girl. Hypocrite.

-was very nice and charming to my family in idealization then slowly came up with reasons to not go. Of course we saw his family all the time. Made me feel embarrassed when he didn't come to certain events.

-other times where he made me feel on edge because I could tell he wasn't having a good time. He always claimed later it was his anxiety. Felt trapped in where he was sitting next to a wall between a lot of people. Of course my fault for not making sure he sat on an end where he could get out. I really feel it was because we weren't doing what he wanted.

-railed on me when out for drinks. I sat and took it for too long and then finally just got up and walked out and walked home in the freezing cold. Walked where he wouldn't find me. I felt I was done and was so angry. He texted me. "Why did you leave I wasn't done venting." Oh yes you were I thought. He drove around trying to find me and texting me in a panic.  I think I finally shocked him by leaving. It was the only time he was the one on the begging end. It kind of felt good.

I'm sure there were some more. Most of the raging took place behind closed doors.

Then he would be back to seeming like an amazing guy. Baffling.

Geez what was I thinking... .

[Hidden Dragon]

She was non discriminate... . At home, in the car,with friends, in public, in private. Anytime, anywhere. Genuine and sincerely. Just like a three year old.

Mine was the same. But remember: 3 yo kids get angry sometimes (and/or cry in public)!

Boy, was I dumb years ago to think it was cute... .

[Turkish]

Mine implied I did her a few times in the beginning... . due to my eating habits. No one noticed that, but they sure noticed her angry. She grew up in a heavy ethnic community. I took her to a kids pool party one and her social anxiety was so bad she retreated into the house (dorsnt trust people, especially white people). Several friends tried to engage her with little success. I asked her about it later and she said they were being false. Keep in mind these are friends I'd known for 20 years. I don't keep crappy or false friends.

Her first real rage was in the first year. We drove to the nearby big city, and I got stymied by an alley turn off to the hotel we were staying at. I had to back track 8 block pat one way streets before I could make a u turn. Delayed us 12 mins or so. She was so pissed (because she had to pee... . could have told me before we entered tyhe city proper and i could have pulled off easily) that when we got to the hotel she ran in and didn't look at me. Checked in. She was very very angry in our room. Wanted togo home. I said we had gotten tickets for a concert and why I would take her home afterwards, I was going to the show (we were with a couple, duh). I left her and went to dinner. My friends asked where was x? I explained and my buddy's wife said my friend did the exact same thing and she didn't see what was the big deal and that they were sorry. We went to the concert.

After dinnef, x texted me asking if we were going. I said yes. She met us on the street, still mad, but holding it. I gave her her tyuicket, we all went in. She made her way through the mosh pit. Later, she said she expected me to follow, but I just kept an eyr on her.

After the show, I took her to an all night place after saying good night to my friends. I actually kind of talked her down. She started telling me about her anger issues. Then about her family a bit. Went back to the hotel. Some more crying, then great make up sex (later that year this became a problem as my body rebelled against whatever wrongness I felt about this r/s... . that was the first recycle... . then S3). She was so happy again. Apologized to my friends and we had a good day in the city.

My buddy's wife was always bothered by that incident. Recently confided in me that she didn't like my x the first time she met her in a store with me. She says that next time she is not keeping her mouth shut! All in all though, she is presentable, if obviously reserved.

[suffering_parent]

Screamed at me all the time in public.   So embarrassing... .

The craziest thing she would do is get out of the car at stop lights etc and just take off on foot during an argument.   She would even do this in the middle of winter.   So tempted to just take off and leave her there.   Figured it would make me look bad though so never did it.

[santa]

I don't even know where to begin here. My ex embarrassed me in so many places.

She got kicked out of a movie theater because she threw a drunk fit during a plot twist of "Sex and the City 2". I'd already walked out because I was so embarrassed, but she was quickly removed after.

She's been thrown out of countless bars and restaurants.

She's gotten us kicked out of hotels.

I've had to bribe cab drivers not to have her arrested for threatening them.

She got me kicked out of my condo for flipping all the monitors at the security desk and multiple other incidents.

I'm sure there's some I'm forgetting.

The girl has been in swimsuit calendars too, so it's not like people don't want to like her. She's just a psycho.

I've kept her from being arrested at least 10 times.

[Theo41]

I was mesmerized by Turkish's reply. WOW I've been there so many times. When we go somewhere in the car we can not get lost. We can not stop to ask directions ( embarrassing) . Problems are exacerbated because she needs to go to the bathroom. Siri GPS has become my savior.

For many years  my uBPDw was good at controlling herself in public but as we get older, she drinks more and can loose it in the most embarrassing situations ( like a family wedding Or funeral ) and then conveniently deny it ( she was so inebriated she doesn't remember).

I have reduced our social schedule and the length of our trips. The next time there is a wedding in her family I really don't want to go.

A recent saving grace is that she has knocked off the drinking after repeated confrontations.

So far she's doing well with that and episodes are fewer and shorter.  A HELPFUL PIECE OF INFO. FOR OTHERs ( it helped me). My therapist said: "u need to understand that people cool off at different rates. U cool off fast and are ready to make up and move on. Ur wife is much much slower, so u need to understand that and give her some time to come around. " I found this to be very true and helpful advise. Theo

[nevertheless]

Mine would have melt downs in public. Last June we were helping at a Christian concert, someone else upset him, so he comes stomping over to me throws his clip board down and begins to jump up and down freaking out, all of this was in front of a bunch of Kidd from church and our pastor. I tried to get S to go in privacy and we could talk but instead he chooses to keep raging. Hours later he comes back to rage some more. I was so embarrassed the pastor even told him he should go home. When we would have family things to go to I never knew if I was bringing happy S or Sault ing S. Looking back if the attraction wasn't about him. He would uhh Mr pout and then rage at me on the way home.

[Turkish]

I was mesmerized by Turkish's reply. WOW I've been there so many times. When we go somewhere in the car we can not get lost. We can not stop to ask directions ( embarrassing) . Problems are exacerbated because she needs to go to the bathroom. Siri GPS has become my savior.

For many years  my uBPDw was good at controlling herself in public but as we get older, she drinks more and can loose it in the most embarrassing situations ( like a family wedding Or funeral ) and then conveniently deny it ( she was so inebriated she doesn't remember).

I have reduced our social schedule and the length of our trips. The next time there is a wedding in her family I really don't want to go.

A recent saving grace is that she has knocked off the drinking after repeated confrontations.

So far she's doing well with that and episodes are fewer and shorter.  A HELPFUL PIECE OF INFO. FOR OTHERs ( it helped me). My therapist said: "u need to understand that people cool off at different rates. U cool off fast and are ready to make up and move on. Ur wife is much much slower, so u need to understand that and give her some time to come around. " I found this to be very true and helpful advise. Theo

Heh, Theo, the follow up story is this: I had declined to print out directions because the downtown area was small. In this, she may have had a point. My buddy did, and he still missed the turn off to the entrance to the hotel, since it was uncharacteristically in a back all, easy to miss. His wife supported his mistake. I always thought mine laced mercy, and had lite empathy, while she expected it from others.

A few months later, we were going to a county park. She was driving, and printedd out direction to prove her point. This was an easy place to get to, not populated at all. We got to the place and I said, oh there it is, see the sign?  But her internet directions said to go to the next light. Ok... . I kept my mouth shut due to the last incident. She then said,  the directions say to make a u turn and turn left. Really? Like to the place we just passed? I kind of shook ,y head and blew it off. She was so adamant about being right, common sense flew out the window.the good thing we learned was to get a little from the other from both incidents. There were a few more light incidents of this, but nowhere near herprevkous blow up.

Again, as I keep looking back through this 6 year r/s... . it shouldn't have to be this difficult!

[maxen]

(starting to remember more now) if something went wrong she would yell at people. in a big-box store a worker clipped her heel with a trolley - a painful and thoughtless thing, but she yelled right at him. also, when a restaurant failed to record a reservation i made, we had to leave and i wasn't too happy either, but she turned around and yelled at the receptionist through the door. (this second time we were with her parents and they thought that was funny.) when we were going to be late for a  b-n-b reservation (because of her delaying) there was a complication on the b-n-b's end and she yelled at me while i was on the phone about what i should do. all these were embarrassing but i'm a bit uptight and in a corner of my mind i was jealous that she had it in her to do these things.

[shellsh0cked]

My xgf and I were at a funeral for a friend... . in fact a guy she used to date.  I most certainly did not know him well, but recently he had helped my band get some air time on a very prominent radio station, so I had gotten to know him.  A tragic death... . I think 36 years old?  Crazy and unexpected.  We had many friends in common, so I went with her out of respect.  We were waiting outside... . talking.  Her best friend (and next door neighbor)... . rolled up and came over to talk.  We were all kind of shocked and sad.  Her friend asked for a lighter... . I gave her one.  A few minutes later we went inside.  During the service, my xgf was standoffish to me.  She wouldn't touch me.  Even got up during the service and went outside to smoke.  What?  What the hell is going on?  She comes back in, and sits back down... . memory isn't serving me right now, but I think she sat down somewhere else.  After the service, she starts letting me have it.  I'm like "WHAT?  What the hell did I do?"  Turns out that apparently I was too quick to give her friend a lighter... . yes... . This was because she was convinced I was having an affair with her.  I was like... . "who gets this from giving someone a light?"  Well she starts in on me in front of the funeral home, and I get her to get in the truck with me.  She keeps on yelling at me.  Right in front of the funeral home.  Wow.  This is not the time or the place.  I could crawl in a hole.  Very embarrassing.  That wasn't the first time she had accussed me of that either. 


She also raged on me twice during two of my band performances for supposedly looking at other women…It was crazy.  Man, when I play, I am in my element.  I didn’t have a clue as to what she was talking about.  She was drunk as hell both times.  The first time she left and came back while we were packing our gear…Yelling at me in the bar and the parking lot at the top of her lungs…saying hurtful things and making a scene like nothing I’d ever experienced.  The second time the ___ really hit the fan.  Again, supposedly me looking at other girls…whatever.  She really liked to make scenes too.  This last time I wouldn’t allow it.  I kept her in the kitchen (closed) and “discussed it”.  She was violent and nasty…threatened to follow me.  Said, “I’m gonna follow you wherever you go tonight…and I’m gonna have a knife (she wasn't lying) ... She stormed out…made a scene in the parking lot that I refused to be involved in.  Wasn’t going to allow myself to be at her level anymore.   That was my final experience putting up with her rages.  The last encounter because of her going to jail for domestic violence, public intoxication and disorderly conduct.  It resulted in a restraining order too for her so I haven’t seen her since.  My current girlfriend is awesome.  Secure, not jealous…wonderful.  Still worry sometimes about setting her off because I am so used to that kind of treatment.

[State85]

My exgf has embarrassed me on several occasions in public. Ranging from yelling at me while we were on a run together because I was either too far in front of her, too far behind her, or she didn’t want me next to her….to bailing on me while she was driving.

During one of her rages she demanded I ride with her to her place of work to pick up something, this being at night. As usual, with her, FB acknowledgement comes in to play. She got upset because I did not acknowledge something she posted. She is raging at me, driving recklessly, and at same time looking at her phone…a sure recipe for a wreck, which thankfully did not happen. She got so mad, she stopped her car in the middle of a fairly busy street near an intersection, got out, and walked to the sidewalk. I am left in the car, in the passenger seat, with the car running and other cars driving by me in both directions. I had to get out, get into the drivers side and drive the car to a gas station about 100 feet from where she was standing…just standing there staring at me with her arms crossed. Then, as she is walking back to the car, she is yelling “It’s just like you to make me come to you,,(expletives)”. Then, she gets in, does about 90 in a 65 down the interstate, still yelling.

You would think I would learn to not get in a vehicle with her after that. But a second time we were going to get something to eat, and something so small triggered her. We end up going to TBell, but she bails from the car again in the parking lot, comes around to my side and throws a water bottle at me.

Unblievable…... I felt embarrassed, humiliated, etc. Again, no apology.

When I think about these things, I say to myself “That’s just unbelievable!”. Then I think, no…its believable. When pwBPD get into these rages, it’s like they have blinders on…they don’t realize what they are doing, or what is happening around them.

[shellsh0cked]

You won't get an apology either... . Their actions are completely justified (in their minds anyway).  Mine quit apolgizing once she realized it was "all my fault".  She hurt me in a way that I cannot begin to describe... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

The X was a vegeterian, and super obnoxious about to the wait staff when we'd eat out.  She always went into this tirade about not eating meat, (as if staff really wanted to know  ). then order alcohol.  Healthy eh?

She constantly walked 30 paces ahead of me when in public, I finally started to call her out on that, usually by joking.

Never introduced me to people we ran into in public, I just stood by and listened, clearly the other was waiting for an introduction, and sometimes others would just stick out their hands and introduce themselves.  Being the social person I am, we usually chatted, , that REALLY got the X going.

CiF

[maxen]

You won't get an apology either... . Their actions are completely justified (in their minds anyway).  Mine quit apolgizing once she realized it was "all my fault".  She hurt me in a way that I cannot begin to describe... .

this wasn't in public, but she blew up the marriage with deceit and bolting, when i faced her with it she 1: ignored me, 2: shrugged, 3: yelled "i'm not proud of it!", 4: accused me of acting "morally superior" for being honest. effect on her husband? responsibility? explanation even?