Did your BPD mom have kids whose paternity is ambiguous?

[SweetCharlotte]

I haven't seen this mentioned before, yet infidelity is such a huge issue with BPD.

My uBPD mom seems to have married my father because he got her pregnant with me. They had been dating for a while but she seems to have been holding out for a better provider than my dad. In her words, she "was caught holding the bag." Other times she said she "should have nipped me in the bud" (but she was Catholic and it was way before Roe v. Wade anyway).

My parents never divorced, but she seems to have taken lovers almost immediately. She met the love of her life on her honeymoon cruise (I was along for the ride, unborn). She carried on with this man for several years, and my brother, who was born during this time, looks EXACTLY like him. This man disappeared afterward, and she took up with the butcher (I guess the baker and the candlestick maker were busy). Lo and behold, my second and youngest brother looks EXACTLY like the butcher.

When my dad's family would come over and my mom was out of the room, they would make observations about how much I looked like my dad ("She's her father's daughter", yet my two brothers did not. My mom HATED her in-laws. Sometimes I would eavesdrop and hear my dad asking my mom, "Is he mine?" over and over again regarding my first brother. Regarding my second brother, they had fairly open arguments about who his father was. He has a congenital kidney disease that neither my mom nor my dad could have given him.

Do any of you have similar experiences with ambiguous paternity in your family? I have tried communicating with my brothers about their biological fathers. In each case I know the man fairly well and they do not. They are supremely uninterested, as are their wives. This is comprehensible but I still wonder why not. In addition, the first brother barely keeps in touch with me at all.

[SweetCharlotte]

To add a statistical note, it is estimated that 10% of children are not the biological offspring of the man purported to be their father (their social father).

I should think that in marriages involving a woman with BPD, that figure is much higher. Has anyone suspected this in their family, concerning their siblings or even themselves? If you suspected, did you confront or discuss? Any testing done?

[GeekyGirl]

Interesting question, SweetCharlotte. I'm certain that it happens relatively often--even outside of the BPD world.

Are you concerned about your own paternity? What would change in your relationship with your brothers if you were to find out that they weren't your father's biological children?

I have tried communicating with my brothers about their biological fathers. In each case I know the man fairly well and they do not. They are supremely uninterested, as are their wives. This is comprehensible but I still wonder why not. In addition, the first brother barely keeps in touch with me at all.

They may simply not be interested, or it might be very painful for them to come to terms with the fact that their (perceived) biological father really isn't the person who they thought he was. It's really hard to tell if they aren't willing to talk about it. If they don't seem to want to discuss it, I'd let it go.

[SweetCharlotte]

Interesting question, SweetCharlotte. I'm certain that it happens relatively often--even outside of the BPD world.

Are you concerned about your own paternity? What would change in your relationship with your brothers if you were to find out that they weren't your father's biological children?

I'm 100% certain that I am my Father's biological child because my parents had to marry because of the pregnancy and I resemble my Dad to a "T." That's what I meant above about my Dad's relatives spotting the difference between me and my brothers, who don't look like my Dad at all.

The relationship is strained with my brothers because they have different biological fathers who are unknown to them. I know the likely "sires" and would love to give them information about them, but they don't want to know. My Mom used to take me with her when she would meet with her extramarital boyfriends, that's how I know the other bio-dads.

And I guess it has always been hard for me to accept that my Mom saddled my Dad with the offspring produced by her adulterous liaisons. I can imagine how painful this must have been for him. He disintegrated into alcoholism over the years and died prematurely, as did she. I try not to blame my brothers for this, but I would have to admit that deep down I do resent them and feel that they ruined "our" (me, my Mom, and my Dad's) family. They probably sense this on some level.

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks so much for your answers, SweetCharlotte. I can see why you're so curious about this.

The relationship is strained with my brothers because they have different biological fathers who are unknown to them. I know the likely "sires" and would love to give them information about them, but they don't want to know.

As much as I can imagine you want to share this information with them, they're sending you a very clear message that they don't want to know. Just like you would like to have your boundaries respected, they're letting you know their boundaries. How does having different bio fathers affect your relationships with them?

And I guess it has always been hard for me to accept that my Mom saddled my Dad with the offspring produced by her adulterous liaisons. I can imagine how painful this must have been for him. He disintegrated into alcoholism over the years and died prematurely, as did she. I try not to blame my brothers for this, but I would have to admit that deep down I do resent them and feel that they ruined "our" (me, my Mom, and my Dad's) family. They probably sense this on some level.

Your brothers didn't choose to be born, and they didn't choose to be fathered by your mother's lovers. They might feel a great deal of shame, knowing that they were conceived under those circumstances. How can you work on your own resentment?

Do you see your father as a victim of your mother's behavior, or do you see him as an adult who made some unhealthy choices?

[SweetCharlotte]

You're absolutely right. I've been siding with the "guilty dead" (my parents) against the "innocent living" (my brothers). I've always known this is absurd, but have been unable to change the way I feel.

Many years ago, when my youngest brother was misbehaving, I told him bluntly, "You ruined our family!" My other brother looked at me and we both laughed at how ridiculous it was to say such a thing.

Last year my youngest brother became quite ill and he needs a kidney transplant. You can imagine how this complicates things. The other brother contemplated donating one of his but backed out. I have a feeling his wife pressured him not to because they have a very young child. As for me, I wouldn't want to part with any of my organs except for a child of mine.

Now, my brother's wife says that she will donate. I have a bad feeling about it; I don't think he will get much better, and her health will suffer. In addition, they have a child who has inherited the same terrible kidney condition (which has to be from my Mom's lover the butcher). Eventually, I'm concerned that this boy, my nephew, will need a kidney, and his Mom will no longer have a spare to give him because of her donation to my brother, and one of MY kids will want to donate one of their kidneys. That is the last thing I want. I loved my brother and his family, but now I just want to distance myself from them. In the meantime, my brother could very well die at any time.

What a complex web the BPDmom can weave!

[GeekyGirl]

Eventually, I'm concerned that this boy, my nephew, will need a kidney, and his Mom will no longer have a spare to give him because of her donation to my brother, and one of MY kids will want to donate one of their kidneys. That is the last thing I want. I loved my brother and his family, but now I just want to distance myself from them. In the meantime, my brother could very well die at any time.

That would be a tough situation for sure. As a mother, I'd be terrified too. I can understand your apprehension. How old are your children? Are they old enough and/or informed to make that decision for themselves?

Let's say (hypothetically speaking) that your brother and nephew didn't have this kidney disorder. Would that change your feelings about them?

[SweetCharlotte]

That would be a tough situation for sure. As a mother, I'd be terrified too. I can understand your apprehension. How old are your children? Are they old enough and/or informed to make that decision for themselves?

Let's say (hypothetically speaking) that your brother and nephew didn't have this kidney disorder. Would that change your feelings about them?

My son is 16 and my daughter 10. The nephew is 8. If things go as with his Dad/my brother, this youngster's kidney will give out when he is in his thirties or forties. Both were born with only one, and the single kidney gets messed up sometime during adulthood. By that time, I would be a senior citizen, if still alive. I don't want my kids to become any more attached to this unfortunate boy. It would be up to them to decide, but I would never support their decision to donate if it came to that. My son especially is very sweet and unselfish, and I would hate to think of his life span being shortened.

If not for the kidney condition, things would be normal between their family and mine. I always tried to be supportive of them and they have been wonderful to me. They are lower-middle class and I'm middle-middle class, but I've tried to help them any way I could and they were never a burden to me.

Although I see a therapist, I haven't brought this up and I really need to. Thanks for your questions and reactions, GG.

[SweetCharlotte]

So I guess what I mean is, it is a somewhat strained relationship to begin with between all three of us because we are half-siblings and yet the topic cannot be discussed. We have never been as close as typical brothers and sisters. I would say my two brothers are much closer to each other than I am to either of them because of their ambiguous paternal origin. In addition, there is a big age difference between each of us. Now this divisiveness has come to a head because of my youngest brother's kidney disease, his need for a donor, and the likelihood of my nephew needing a kidney down the road. My brother never went for medical check-ups for twenty years, married an illegal immigrant who purchased a health plan for herself but not for him, then all of a sudden he landed in the hospital deathly ill and found out about his single kidney status and that the condition of the one kidney was terminal. He has been on dialysis for close to a year.

It seems like this is my uBPDmom's final curse on me and my children. To top it all, unaware of all of this my daughter claims she saw Grandmother's ghost walking the hallway.   She has only ever seen my Mom in photos since she died seven years before my daughter's birth. I'm ready to call a priest over to the house for an exorcism.

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks so much, SweetCharlotte.   I do hope that your nephew ends up much healthier than you expect--miracles do happen--so none of you is faced with this difficult decision.

Do you want to be close to your half-brothers, or is the relationship enough for you as-is?

[SweetCharlotte]

Do you want to be close to your half-brothers, or is the relationship enough for you as-is?

That is tough because of the ambivalence, GG. I feel a pull and a push. These may be my youngest half-brother's last few months. Naturally, I would want to spend more time with him on that account. However, I don't want my kids to become more attached to his family. The fear that my nephew may need a kidney and appeal to my son or daughter if they all remain close pushes me away. As does my guilt over not wishing to investigate the possibility of me donating a kidney to my half-brother. I was preoccupied with this for months last year, and concluded that I owed it to my children not to do it because it could endanger my ability to provide for them (I am their main provider).

As far as my other half-brother is concerned (the middle half-sibling in this train wreck of a BPD-created family), I wished to let him know that I don't blame him for not donating to our half-sib. As adults, we have not been close, and in part I have been scared of him because of stuff our youngest half-brother told me about him. There was triangulation in that those two spent a lot of time together, especially when they were both single, and the youngest "had the goods" on the weird behavior of our middle sibling. He told me about how our middle half-brother stalked a co-worker with whom he was obsessed, and how he would suddenly expose himself and masturbate in front of him while they watched TV. He once paid a stripper to not only lap-dance but kiss our kid brother. It's so weird, and he must know that I know, and consequently we can never be close. Of course I could never leave my kids alone with him.

So it's a big mess of BPD traits handed down the family line, deception and dishonesty. The way things are now, I carefully select gifts for them at Christmas and on their birthdays. I pass along used stuff in good condition from my kids that their kids (my two nephews) might use. It all goes by mail. I take the youngest, the one with the kidney ailment, out to a nice restaurant with his wife and son about once a year when I am back in my hometown. Occasionally, I send him a small check to help with his medical expenses. But that is it. And I guess that will be it.

[GeekyGirl]

So it's a big mess of BPD traits handed down the family line, deception and dishonesty. The way things are now, I carefully select gifts for them at Christmas and on their birthdays. I pass along used stuff in good condition from my kids that their kids (my two nephews) might use. It all goes by mail. I take the youngest, the one with the kidney ailment, out to a nice restaurant with his wife and son about once a year when I am back in my hometown. Occasionally, I send him a small check to help with his medical expenses. But that is it. And I guess that will be it.

If that's the kind of relationship you'd like and they're ok with it, there's nothing wrong with keeping things the way they are.  If not, you have to decide what is ok for you.

The kidney disease/organ donation question seems like it's really important to you, and as a mom, I can understand where you're coming from. Your children are minors, and if the question of organ donation came up in the next few years, you have every right to say no. Beyond that, it's a decision they would have to make for themselves. Have you talked to either of them (especially your son) about the situation? What do they think? Are they even matches for your brother or nephew? I ask because it might be a moot point if they aren't even possible donors and that might relieve some of your worry.

[SweetCharlotte]

Thank you, GG. Nowadays almost anyone is a match. Because of medical advances, the factors that rule out donors have diminished considerably. I cannot get information from my brother to determine this because it would raise hopes that we are thinking of donating, only to dash them.

[SweetCharlotte]

UPDATE: My half-brother received a kidney from his wife. They both seem to be recovering OK, but she is upset because she didn't realize how painful and debilitating the process would be. She felt that the transplant team didn't care about her. His system has accepted the kidney; he is taking medication and eating normally. He'll go back to work next month.

[sarahsparkles]

This is interesting. My mother HATES my father, yet he's her meal ticket and therefore stays with him. I look JUST like my father and I was treated like total garbage. My middle sister looks like my mother and some of my father- but my youngest sister (treated like a princess) looks nothing like my father or the two of us. It wasn't until a few years ago in one of my uBPDmom's drunken stupors did she confess to me that she wasn't sure my youngest sister was my dad's daughter, but in fact the man she truly loves' child. Which she looks like... .

My mother cheated on my dad constantly and blamed him for it. Saying things like "if you were a real man and a better lay- maybe I'd wouldn't have to find it elsewhere" 

[SweetCharlotte]

My mother HATES my father, yet he's her meal ticket and therefore stays with him. I look JUST like my father and I was treated like total garbage. My middle sister looks like my mother and some of my father- but my youngest sister (treated like a princess) looks nothing like my father or the two of us. It wasn't until a few years ago in one of my uBPDmom's drunken stupors did she confess to me that she wasn't sure my youngest sister was my dad's daughter, but in fact the man she truly loves' child. Which she looks like... .  

Hi, Sarah,

Sorry that this happened to you, but glad to find a companion in this misery.

I also felt that treatment was unequal when I was growing up. My middle or next-oldest half-brother is the one who looks like the love of my mom's life (sad because he was a complete cad). She got involved with him soon after marrying my dad and giving birth to me. Soon after my dad left for work each morning, she would receive a phone call and her voice would get all sugary-sweet. She would say things that she never said to my dad (or me), like, "I love you." Our two families would actually go on vacation together   She would insult his wife behind her back, and I had some physical fights with the other man's son. Weirdest situation ever  

When this man's wife died years later, my mother expected him to show up on the doorstep to carry her away. Then one day she opened up a Christmas card to find that it was from him and his new wife. Talk about holiday joy.  

This half-brother was named after my dad, probably as a form of extreme denial. As he grew and his features started to resemble the "family friend" more and more, my dad sank into depression and alcoholism. My mom heaped her affection on this little boy. She was proud of my achievements; she even tried to use me to "hook" this man by having me pretend I could read when I was a preschooler (actually, I had memorized my books). She wanted to show him what smart kids she was capable of producing. Sick  

I became an over-achiever and earned all sorts of degrees, including from the Ivy League. But I can never get over the feeling that I am a third-rate loser  

Tell me more about your family, Sarah, when you get a chance (also, any others with ambiguous paternity in their family from BPD). Does your middle sister also suspect that the youngest has a different father? What about the youngest herself, does she know? Is the paternity issue ever addressed amongst the three of you? Do your mom and dad ever argue about it? Cheers and best wishes  

[GeekyGirl]

UPDATE: My half-brother received a kidney from his wife. They both seem to be recovering OK, but she is upset because she didn't realize how painful and debilitating the process would be. She felt that the transplant team didn't care about her. His system has accepted the kidney; he is taking medication and eating normally. He'll go back to work next month.

How are you feeling after getting this news? I know that you were very concerned about the possibility of your brother or nephew asking the family to donate a kidney. Does that change how you feel about your brother and/or nephew?