attacking new girlfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been quite awhile since I have been on this sight - which is a good thing in one way.  I have detached and finally got out of the fog, I have met a person who is kind, gentle and doesn't have any issue.  But here is my question.  Since my ex has found out that I'm in a serious relationship and since she used to work with this person years ago (I had never met her until after the divorce) - all that I get is how mean this person is, how controlling she is, how she's not right for me, how all of her fellow coworkers are coming up to her asking what am I thinking dating this person.  I have seen nothing but goodness out of this person and had actually asked some people before we started dating what kind of person she is and heard nothing but good things.  So why is my ex attacking her?  Is it jealousy, or is it that she just hates to see me move forward with my life and find happiness again?  Any thoughts or similar experiences?

[cal644]

It's been quite awhile since I have been on this sight - which is a good thing in one way.  I have detached and finally got out of the fog, I have met a person who is kind, gentle and doesn't have any issue.  But here is my question.  Since my ex has found out that I'm in a serious relationship and since she used to work with this person years ago (I had never met her until after the divorce) - all that I get is how mean this person is, how controlling she is, how she's not right for me, how all of her fellow coworkers are coming up to her asking what am I thinking dating this person.  I have seen nothing but goodness out of this person and had actually asked some people before we started dating what kind of person she is and heard nothing but good things.  So why is my ex attacking her?  Is it jealousy, or is it that she just hates to see me move forward with my life and find happiness again?  Any thoughts or similar experiences?

[love4meNOTu]

Cal, does your ex have a replacement?

If not, perhaps it is just that, jealousy.

Good luck with your new relationship, I know it's not easy after being married to a pwBPD. I will be scared to death! 

L

[nolisan]

I think you answered your own questions.

[Learning_curve74]

If she knows you are a loyal person and have truly found somebody else, then she probably truly feels abandoned. Before you were attached to anybody else, she could still feel like she had a part of you, but now you are gone gone gone... .

Do you have children or other matters to deal with in regards to your ex, cal644? Maybe you can set a boundary as to what things you will discuss with your ex, because do you really want to hear her talk bad about your new girlfriend?

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with learning.  The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and a borderline never lets go of anyone all the way; mine found me on Facebook after 25 years, and silly me, off to the races we went again. 

Breaking up is one thing, but you're still available, although you've abandoned.  When you get with someone else and it's good, that's the next step in abandonment, you are that much further gone.  Plus, there's still that desire to isolate and control you, which is part of the motivation for trashing the new gal, old behaviors.

[cal644]

Actually , she had found my replacement prior to the divorce - that's the reason I filed.  We have pretty much set boundaries of no contact unless it is regard to the children - and that was going great until she found out I was dating.  As for me still being there - I think she has known for a long time that there is no way I could let her back in my life - and it's funny because we used to be so close and what most considered the perfect couple - but now - I think we are both dead to each other - so I don't see anyway that she could think that I would still be available - So maybe it is because I am happy, maybe it's because she knows that this person is a good person and can possibly be the wife and mother that she never could be?

[Pearl55]

Call644

Other view is because she sees you as her opponent and if the other girl is nice and makes you happy so she hates it. She wants to see you miserable and unsuccessful. The other view is because she can't have you so nobody else can have you. If she knows that girl she might poison her with all the lies about you. They are extremely toxic people so better warn your girlfriend in advance!

[cal644]

Actually my new girlfriend and I have had a lot of conversations - both of us had similar situations - so we were both pretty cautious and looking for warning signs and taking it slow - heck I think we had 15 dates before we even held hands () and I have made my new girlfriend aware of the situation and have even showed her how my ex has slammed her and made her aware of all the lies and the situation. 

[charred]

I agree with learning.  The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and a borderline never lets go of anyone all the way; mine found me on Facebook after 25 years, and silly me, off to the races we went again. 

Breaking up is one thing, but you're still available, although you've abandoned.  When you get with someone else and it's good, that's the next step in abandonment, you are that much further gone.  Plus, there's still that desire to isolate and control you, which is part of the motivation for trashing the new gal, old behaviors.

Wow... same thing happened to me... resulted in a divorce and 6-7 recycles the second time around... all those years... didn't make her any better, if anything she was meaner.  The intensity of the feelings after so long... convinced me the r/s is a psuedo-primary one... like with your parents... and that explains intensity and still having feelings for them after 20+ yrs... and taking the abuse... . but it still all sucks.

[fromheeltoheal]

Actually , she had found my replacement prior to the divorce - that's the reason I filed. 

Yes.  A borderline, hypersensitive to abandonment, is always looking for signs that you're about to bail, in fact settling into a relationship, relaxing, a change from fawning all over her and being extra attentive, can be misperceived as abandonment, so finding a replacement is a way to avoid that abandonment, the core driver for a borderline.  My relationship was much shorter than yours and we weren't married, but see if any of that fits for you.

so I don't see anyway that she could think that I would still be available - So maybe it is because I am happy, maybe it's because she knows that this person is a good person and can possibly be the wife and mother that she never could be?

It's largely a subconscious urge that a borderline isn't aware of consciously, that stems out of the separation and subsequent abandonment terror that all of us go through as tots to become autonomous individuals, except a borderline, who gets stuck in that one person, no two individuals, no one person, engulfed, no abandoned dance; it's that stuck place that created the disorder to begin with.  Of course everyone's different and there's a wide range of severity with the disorder, but rational thought won't explain it, it's a primitive need that originates before a person can speak or think rationally, so it gets hardwired into their personality.  Of course more rationally you're right; if she's been replaced by someone she considers capable of being a better wife and mother than she was, not a stretch for someone who doesn't like themselves much, then she will feel threatened, at a loss, and attack, regardless of what her current situation is.