Nearly 6 months of NC - Broken by me :(

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have not posted on here in a few months, but I need to now vent.  I am just sick.  Can you all stand yet another story of one biting the dust and breaking NC (which was since July)?  I was doing great (or so I thought) but I had a weak moment over the new year and unblocked my UBPDexGF on Facebook and I looked at her page--which is plastered with her and her new "love".   This is the guy she dumped me for and immediately immersed with.  Of course I felt horrible.  To make matters worse, I then texted her a new years message stating that I wish her all the best--no reply.   In another weak moment I texted her again and called her last night.   We talked for awhile about the kids, her family and how our lives were going, but it then spiraled down.  I was pretty upset talking about how we were engaged at this time last year, and that I miss her and that she is already moved on to a new man that she told me she now wants to marry.  She then proceeded to tell me that I was not sweet and that I caused all of our problems.  She said she has no interest in me nor does she at all love me, she loves him.  I then got mad and blasted her new boyfriend (he is not very tall so I asked her if she thought he knew all the words to Lollipop Guild).  I apologized but she hung up and she immediately blocked me on FB and has blocked my number.   It's weird because there are times that I forget that she is BPD, but now I've become more attuned to what's wrong with me.

I know the answer is to go back to NC.  Darn... . I thought I was done caring about this, but apparently not.  I look forward to the day of indifference.  In the meantime, I have work to do on my associating pain with love feelings. When does the pain end?  Why am I willing to overlook how badly I've been treated in my romantic relationships? Why do I remember good times mainly?  Why do I think of her daily?   Like many of us nons, I am working on understanding what's wrong with me and why I've tolerated  emotional and psychological abuse. 

[bettermentofsociety]

I have not posted on here in a few months, but I need to now vent.  I am just sick.  Can you all stand yet another story of one biting the dust and breaking NC (which was since July)?  I was doing great (or so I thought) but I had a weak moment over the new year and unblocked my UBPDexGF on Facebook and I looked at her page--which is plastered with her and her new "love".   This is the guy she dumped me for and immediately immersed with.  Of course I felt horrible.  To make matters worse, I then texted her a new years message stating that I wish her all the best--no reply.   In another weak moment I texted her again and called her last night.   We talked for awhile about the kids, her family and how our lives were going, but it then spiraled down.  I was pretty upset talking about how we were engaged at this time last year, and that I miss her and that she is already moved on to a new man that she told me she now wants to marry.  She then proceeded to tell me that I was not sweet and that I caused all of our problems.  She said she has no interest in me nor does she at all love me, she loves him.  I then got mad and blasted her new boyfriend (he is not very tall so I asked her if she thought he knew all the words to Lollipop Guild).  I apologized but she hung up and she immediately blocked me on FB and has blocked my number.   It's weird because there are times that I forget that she is BPD, but now I've become more attuned to what's wrong with me.

I know the answer is to go back to NC.  Darn... . I thought I was done caring about this, but apparently not.  I look forward to the day of indifference.  In the meantime, I have work to do on my associating pain with love feelings. When does the pain end?  Why am I willing to overlook how badly I've been treated in my romantic relationships? Why do I remember good times mainly?  Why do I think of her daily?   Like many of us nons, I am working on understanding what's wrong with me and why I've tolerated  emotional and psychological abuse. 

[FindingMe2011]

Darn... . I thought I was done caring about this, but apparently not.  I look forward to the day of indifference. 

Indifference comes after acceptance. Mental health is not something you obtain by crossing some finish line. Its an ongoing experience that takes constant monitoring.

  I look forward to the day of indifference.  In the meantime, I have work to do on my associating pain with love feelings. When does the pain end?   

When you work through enough of your own pain (which has nothing to do with her) and it becomes manageable.

Why am I willing to overlook how badly I've been treated in my romantic relationships? Why do I remember good times mainly?  Why do I think of her daily? 

Because you have strong traits of co dependency, and narcissism.

Like many of us nons 

There is no such thing as a non. To be fair, if you want to use this terminology, use the above terms for yourself. It creates a scenario for us against them, and will not help in your healing, unless you want to stay angry, your choice.

I am working on understanding what's wrong with me and why I've tolerated  emotional and psychological abuse. 

   

This is where the healing is... . I wish you well, PEACE

[heartandwhole]

Hi betterment,

I'm glad you came here to vent. I'm sorry things didn't turn out very well with that contact.  Another learning experience under your belt – I wish it weren't so painful.    Be gentle with yourself, we've all been there, and it's perfectly understandable to slip up.  Grieving doesn't happen in a straight line – lots of loops and detours.

Like many of us nons, I am working on understanding what's wrong with me and why I've tolerated  emotional and psychological abuse. 

Fantastic to focus on this.  I'd just like to say that there is nothing "wrong" with you.  You, like every human on this planet, have learned behaviors from childhood that aren't working for you anymore    You're discovering why and taking action toward change.

Keep on keepin' on, betterment, you are going to come out of this a better and stronger person.   We're here for you.

[Spartan999]

  Thanks for sharing... .   lets just say you took one for the team here...    Because LOTS of us have found ourselves on the VERY VERGE of that EXACT SAME SCRIPT... .    You literally described exactly how it TRULY WILL go down if you reach out to an 'empowered' exBPD... .    Ive been apart for about ONE YEAR exactly to the day right about where the calendar is now.    3 contacts by her,  ONLY because I went no contact out of shame more or less,  and each contact she insured it ended with me feeling belittled before each round of dialogue concluded, abruptly,  like a light switch... .    Since June,  no contact since... . and ONLY only by accidental conversation,  do I know she is now dating her THIRD person, in the idealizaion stage... . THREE... .   the one after me actually had boundaries, and broke it off himself after 1 month... . another unknown existed in the middle of summer... . apparently it didn't last... . and now a brand new one brought in over the holidays.   Certain ones, DO NOT look back,  do NOT feel remorse, and the fond memories you have,  do not exist in their memory banks because of their wiring and need to avoid responsibility.   Some find it pure shame to reconnect and go backwards... . so they distance you as coldly as possible.           Ive studied and studied the behavior pattern,  and its text book... . I would bet you $500,000 right now if i made that admirable phone call and caught her off guard at her desk,  INSTEAD of having a fond reconnect,  I would quickly get belittled and back to ground zero or worse... . we ALL have illusions of grandeur, but this is BPD, you can take the patterns to the BANK !     Keep your chin up,  and refocus.   Its not you... .  

[irishmarmot]

Ty for your post, I am a day 5 of NC and I have a long way to go.  I hope I learn from your experience that the relationship is over! over! over!  I want this toxic person out of my head as soon as possible.   It hurts and I get moments of weakness but no looking on fb because they love to torture with that, unless of course their using fb to catch their next victim so they hide their relationships.on their.  I know you're hurting right now but you should get over it quicker than last year.

[Moonie75]

This won't go down well, but... . if any ex of mine CONTACTED ME, and then said derogatory things about my current partner I'd hang up too! Followed by blocking any media access to me!

You have your right to your view of her, and she has a right to her view of you. That's all there is to it. If you didn't like her view of you why didn't you get off the phone smartish? Defending what SHE said about YOU by attacking HIM is going to make anyone angry BPD or not!

Would you stand for her calling you up, then when you speak your mind about her she attacks the woman you now love? Wouldn't you be furious & hang up?

[Moonie75]

Don't get me wrong I'm far from perfect. But when we slag off somebody's partner & get your face slapped, we gotta accept we earned it.

[bettermentofsociety]

I appreciate everyone's posts. 

I wish the only thing she ever did was hang up on me and block me.  Her actions during our relationship were about the worst you could do to someone romantically.  My insulting her new boyfriend has nothing to do with her taking those actions... . it's simply "a drop in the bucket"

Self-work awaits for me.  But I am feeling especially clear now--a few days removed from the contact.  I am feeling the best I have since the breakup. 

[shellsh0cked]

Hard as it is to say it... . she's moved on to her next victim man.  Write down what you are feeling... . what you have felt... . hell, write a letter that you DON'T send telling her off... . Thing I realized (and this sucks) is that borderlines will make you feel like superman... . when you are on the pedestal flexing your muscles... . this is where they snare you... . makes you almost forget about the intolerable treatment you are getting when you are satan.  I bet the sex was amazing too right?  Another way a borderline will try to control you and to keep you around.  It's a good ploy too... . worked on me seriously.  So put that aside... . what else is left?  What else is worth going back to?  I bet you can't find much... .

Mad about hanging up on you and blocking you?  She's doing you a favor man... . It may not feel like it now... . but she is.  I couldn't take a hint... . and it almost got me murdered and got my car smashed up.  Continuing in her space is going to really not help. It can lead to bad things (see above).  Unfortunately borderlines don't feel the way about us the way we do about them.  She now has someone else filling this exhaulted ones spot... . so she has moved on.  Don't worry though.  He will fare no better.  Forget her.   

[Tincup]

Thing I realized (and this sucks) is that borderlines will make you feel like superman... . when you are on the pedestal flexing your muscles... . this is where they snare you... . makes you almost forget about the intolerable treatment you are getting when you are satan.  I bet the sex was amazing too right?  Another way a borderline will try to control you and to keep you around.  It's a good ploy too... . worked on me seriously.  So put that aside... . what else is left?  What else is worth going back to?  I bet you can't find much... .

Wow ShellShOcked you nailed it for me. 

[Johnny Alias]

Don't sweat it man. 

I'm not sure if you've heard this but I'm going to say it to you.  It can hurt to hear... .

She never loved you.  Really.  You were just an object. 

She doesn't love him either.  He's just an object she hasn't broken yet. 

This might sound insensitive and I apologize if anyone takes offense, but BPD's are NOT complete people.  How can you be complete if you lack empathy, object constancy, remorse, the ability to take blame and responsibility? 

On top of all that these scripts they run through of idealize, devalue, discard and all the same lines they use like "YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!"  or "EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT!" or "HOW DARE YOU?" have been used time and again with people in their past... . and will be again with people in their future. 

It almost sounds like a pre programmed robot that can't break the cycle because it doesn't know its a robot!  This is all normal for it!  It's all its ever known! 

 

Take it to the max.  Pretend they're getting married... . and yeah that's a possibility.  This guy will suffer through HELL for years.  No joke.  The complaining, deflection, push pull, splitting... . by the end of it many have self esteems that are so shredded they can't even function.  This isn't even speaking to the love of their life taking all their money, reputation, kids.  They are shells of the people they USED to be!

Not a few of these guys end up committing suicide... . and the BPD doesn't care much of the time... . because guess what?  No object constancy... . no memories of good times... . no need to cry over a toy. 

Hang in there.  NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN!  EVER!  GET ANGRY! GET MAD!  Then get indifferent... . because you cant forgive a robot for doing what it was programmed to do.