Nice Again... Messing Me Up

[Turkish]

She's been very nice the last day or so. She has been really engaged with the children all of a sudden this past month, and has been better about at least getting D1 ready to go in the morning, doing her hair and such, so much that D1 is clinging to her more now. I confess a little jealousy (which is my problem), but D1 needs to have a bond with her mother.

She sees the light at the end of the tunnel about moving out hopefully at the end of the month. Asked me if the place had called me to confirm the $ she contributed to the household each month. She said they already called her boss. Maybe that is why she is calmer. Without me around and her being in our home, her triggers will be gone and she will be more stable so she can medicate to her heart's content... . until the inevitable cycle starts again.

I've been going through several short NC (as much as we can do co-parenting) speeches in my head. They all seem to turn cruel in my mind and then I feel the hatred and despair and injustice making their ways into my thoughts.

I hope I can post back here a month from now, free, and remain so, getting my life back as much as I can even with limited contact with her. My NC will be soley communication about the children. If I am the only one she can talk to about her depressions and such, too bad. She can invest YEARS in another r/s to get to that point of trust with someone else. That isn't my problem. I feel like an ass for thinking that way, and it contradicts my caring (co-dependent?) tendencies, but no matter. This has turned a corner in my life in early middle age. I do not want to be like I was... . and I had changed myself in a good way quite a bit by my mid-30s before I met her. I do not want to go back to being like I was, nor getting stuck with residual FOG and all sorts of mental fleas because of this. I suppose it is natural that I will for a while, and if I accept that, then I can "move forward to something better" (just the same thing she's been saying... . *gag*