Grow Up - Them or Us?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Grow Up - Act Like an Adult

The last few years of my BPD relationship that was a theme of mine….I would say,

“why are you doing this, staying out drinking all hours, we are not in college”

“adults don’t act like that, what did you think would happen when you walked out of your boss's office”

"mature adults don't spend money they don't have"

and my famous, “why are you acting like a child? You are a PhD, certainly you know better than to behave like that”.

I remember the first time I heard “pwBPD are emotional 3 year olds” and it seemed so abstract.  The more about the facts I learned, the more that phrase made sense….somehow it sank in….this is a real mental illness.  Trying to rationalize crazy behavior was crazy-making of my own.

Grow Up then changed to me and my behavior.  Adults have to do hard things and make hard decisions, it was time I put on my Big Girl pants and dealt with my own life, realistically.

Grow Up for me was to accept the facts, file for divorce, grieve and heal.  Stop my part of the chaos.

Growing up is hard sometimes, and many times I certainly longed for the days when ignorance was bliss.  Adults certainly do make hard decisions.

How many of you had to shift the “grow up” from them to you?  What does that look like?

[seeking balance]

Grow Up - Act Like an Adult

The last few years of my BPD relationship that was a theme of mine….I would say,

“why are you doing this, staying out drinking all hours, we are not in college”

“adults don’t act like that, what did you think would happen when you walked out of your boss's office”

"mature adults don't spend money they don't have"

and my famous, “why are you acting like a child? You are a PhD, certainly you know better than to behave like that”.

I remember the first time I heard “pwBPD are emotional 3 year olds” and it seemed so abstract.  The more about the facts I learned, the more that phrase made sense….somehow it sank in….this is a real mental illness.  Trying to rationalize crazy behavior was crazy-making of my own.

Grow Up then changed to me and my behavior.  Adults have to do hard things and make hard decisions, it was time I put on my Big Girl pants and dealt with my own life, realistically.

Grow Up for me was to accept the facts, file for divorce, grieve and heal.  Stop my part of the chaos.

Growing up is hard sometimes, and many times I certainly longed for the days when ignorance was bliss.  Adults certainly do make hard decisions.

How many of you had to shift the “grow up” from them to you?  What does that look like?

[simplyasiam]

thank you seeking for this post ... . very eye opening fro me.

im still in contact with my BPD ex still date her on and off.

she had a fit with me today, for not fixing the frozen pipes in a  home she rents.

ive become cold to the fits now. your post gave me hope that maybe im growing up and seeing this is no way to live

[Learning_curve74]

Great topic, sb! 

Hmmm... . "grow up", that's basically what I said to my pwBPD when I broke it off with her but it came out "f*** you" instead. 

I am in a recycle right now, seeing if we can make things work though I do feel like a cloud of impending doom is constantly hovering over my head. Part of growing up for me is realizing that regardless of what she says, she's going to do what she's going to do, that I can't just wish away the behaviors I don't like. Another part is then deciding what I as an adult will do when boundaries are broken instead of simply clinging like a child to a parent. Instead of being a pushover or aggressive, I want to be assertive and live the values I believe in to have the life I desire.

One thing that bothers me is that I am mostly here on the Leaving board even though I'm supposedly trying to work it out with her. I have been enjoying what me and her have for what it is in the present moment, trying not to worry about crossing the scary bridges until they come up on the road ahead. I don't necessarily believe in fantasy, just that I feel it's worth trying and if I approach it as an adult, it will either continue or end and that's not necessarily bad or good, it just will be. I'm sure many people here on Leaving would disagree however.

[seeking balance]

thank you seeking for this post ... . very eye opening fro me.

im still in contact with my BPD ex still date her on and off.

she had a fit with me today, for not fixing the frozen pipes in a  home she rents.

ive become cold to the fits now. your post gave me hope that maybe im growing up and seeing this is no way to live

Radical Acceptance - it is ok if this is what you want and you are not stressing over it.  Use the staying tools and keep strong boundaries.

[seeking balance]

Great topic, sb! 

Hmmm... . "grow up", that's basically what I said to my pwBPD when I broke it off with her but it came out "f*** you" instead. 

I know that version of grow up too 

I am in a recycle right now, seeing if we can make things work though I do feel like a cloud of impending doom is constantly hovering over my head. Part of growing up for me is realizing that regardless of what she says, she's going to do what she's going to do, that I can't just wish away the behaviors I don't like. Another part is then deciding what I as an adult will do when boundaries are broken instead of simply clinging like a child to a parent. Instead of being a pushover or aggressive, I want to be assertive and live the values I believe in to have the life I desire.

One thing that bothers me is that I am mostly here on the Leaving board even though I'm supposedly trying to work it out with her. I have been enjoying what me and her have for what it is in the present moment, trying not to worry about crossing the scary bridges until they come up on the road ahead. I don't necessarily believe in fantasy, just that I feel it's worth trying and if I approach it as an adult, it will either continue or end and that's not necessarily bad or good, it just will be. I'm sure many people here on Leaving would disagree however.

Interesting that you enjoy leaving and you are staying... . how does leaving help you stay detached in a way that staying doesn't?

another version of staying but applying Radical Acceptance - the only way to really be in a relationship such as this.

My mom is BPD traits and I post leaving from my divorce BPD, but leaving keeps me reminded not to expect much from my mom.  I use staying tools and also have done most of the workshops, but leaving keeps it real for me.

[Perfidy]

Little difference between growing up and giving up eh? I see where your coming from though, growing up enough to break through any illusion of happiness and accept reality. Almost like not believing in the Easter bunny any more. I identify this idea as disillusionment. When the illusion is negative and inhibits growth I would even go as far as to call it enabling. Too bad it has to get to that point. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just stay in the illusion and insidiously go mad?

[seeking balance]

Almost like not believing in the Easter bunny any more. I identify this idea as disillusionment.

I like this analogy actually, nice idea, but in reality - doesn't exist as you believe it to be.

[Learning_curve74]

I am in a recycle right now, seeing if we can make things work though I do feel like a cloud of impending doom is constantly hovering over my head. Part of growing up for me is realizing that regardless of what she says, she's going to do what she's going to do, that I can't just wish away the behaviors I don't like. Another part is then deciding what I as an adult will do when boundaries are broken instead of simply clinging like a child to a parent.

One thing that bothers me is that I am mostly here on the Leaving board even though I'm supposedly trying to work it out with her. I have been enjoying what me and her have for what it is in the present moment, trying not to worry about crossing the scary bridges until they come up on the road ahead. I don't necessarily believe in fantasy, just that I feel it's worth trying and if I approach it as an adult, it will either continue or end and that's not necessarily bad or good, it just will be. I'm sure many people here on Leaving would disagree however.

Interesting that you enjoy leaving and you are staying... . how does leaving help you stay detached in a way that staying doesn't?

another version of staying but applying Radical Acceptance - the only way to really be in a relationship such as this.

My mom is BPD traits and I post leaving from my divorce BPD, but leaving keeps me reminded not to expect much from my mom.  I use staying tools and also have done most of the workshops, but leaving keeps it real for me.

I feel like the Leaving board is "home" since I didn't start posting until things were basically at a "crisis", so I defaulted to being here on Leaving. Reading the stories here does keep it "real", I see many other members hurting, and it is a reminder that I can keep my side of the street clean, but she'll do whatever she is going to do on her side of the street.

I also feel like the relationship I have with my pwBPD is not a healthy one. That is one change in attitude that I've had as part of "growing up". Before I was trying to see how I could react and engage her to make the relationship "ideal". I realize that it is highly unlikely that her and I will have an "ideal" healthy relationship, but right now both of us are getting something out of it that each of us values in some way. It may not mean the same thing to each of us, and we may not value the relationship to the same extent, but we do both find value in being together in the way we are sharing our lives right now. I also am adult enough to understand that maybe next week I will be writing here about how either her or I broke it off.

She blew me off the other day and while it bothered me some, I had to let it go and not ruminate. I went and did my own thing. She was not good at hiding things in the past, so I feel that if the pressure from her chasing other guys builds up, then I'll not be blind to it and figure out how to address it. It may well be that I will choose to leave her again, that is always an option.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Growing up for me is realizing that I was just as responsible for the relationship as she was.  Growing up is pointing the finger away from her and back towards myself.  What was my part in relationship?  What was I afraid of?  What was the fantasy I wanted to make reality?  How did I lie to her and to myself?  How was I self-centered?  Why did I accept abuse? 

And most importantly now, how can I change so that I will have something better in my future?  This last question, for me, requires more growing up than anything else.  She was not the problem.  The problem was in the mirror and the solution also lies within.

[heartandwhole]

I think growing up happened for me when I stopped believing in rescuing and being rescued.  When I stopped believing in words without actions and my own fantasies. 

I wanted to be saved, too.  I thought a relationship would "fix" my indecision and lack of direction at that time of my life.  I'm still growing up, but now I look forward to taking care of my business and knowing that I'm the one I was looking for.   

[Free2Bee]

For me, 'growing up' meant giving up the dream of a rosy future with her.

She was the first person I had ever met who wanted to be an equal partner with me and moreover, she felt that I deserved 'a good life' and wanted to make that happen for us. We talked about buying a condo, the furniture that we would choose, the car she wanted, the great job she was going to have when she 'got back on her feet.'

At first, I truly thought she was just a person who had fallen on hard times and been badly treated by her previous wife, but it soon became clear to me that she was living paycheque to paycheque and struggling because that's who she is. And that was unlikely to change anytime soon.

I let go of the dream of someone 'taking care of me' and realised that I'm always going to be taking care of myself - no one else can do that better than I can. I need to acknowledge and champion my own best interests.

I'm starting to explore my role in this relationship as a codependent and I think there's an element of 'being rescued' as well as 'rescuing'.

[Mutt]

Growing up for me is realizing that I cannot control the situtation, but I can certainly control the things that I do. Realizing that my ex SO cannot change, but in fact change has to come from me. Letting her go to her own devices, realizing that she survived before me, she'll survive after me, but I'm out of the race. Let the cards fall where they may for her. Take the focus and attention off of her that she doesn't deserve. Focus on taking care of myself and the 3 little ones that I had with her. Taking ownership of my role and what got me enmeshed with her as a co-dependant. Truly moving forward and not sideways.

[Waifed]

Seeking Balance. This is a great topic and as always you present things very logically. I remember always telling the ex that she was immature and needed to grow up. I was the adult in the relationship and she was the child. It was a dynamic that we each enjoyed. As time moved on I began to enter the fog and became an immature person myself. I had been the one making decisions for the both of us but was becoming irrational and lost. The relationship became like a boat drifting aimlessly at sea. There was no sense of where I would be in the future.

I began to question things in my mind. I began asking her hard questions about the past and the future. This stressed her. It was becoming clear to me that my reality of the relationship was not the true reality. I dug into her actions and behaviors that I was too scared to look into before due to the FOG and found out the truth about her was just as I had sensed. I called her on it and her shame overtook her. From this point forward the relationship was outwardly doomed and her mask came off and her abandonment fears were on overdrive. I had once again became the grown up and it was game over.

[dontknow2]

For probably 15 years, I too used to tell my ex he needed to grow up. Once I got in therapy a few years ago, I realized I was right there with him just better at faking it.

Lately, I feel like I am raising myself as a baby, child, adolescent, and adult in parallel. When standing in the warm water in the shower, I hold myself as if in the womb which gives me a sense of security. In other moments, I need to just act out like I'm 2 or talk sh** about people. Then there is the part trying to be an adult, making tough decisions and facing reality as it is... . especially being alone struggling while protecting my children. As an adult, I know I am my responsibility. Some days, I get really tired where nothing is enough to feel OK and wish someone else could help soften the blow. On those days, I find myself praying to a God I never believed in to get by. I will keep doing my best, therapy, use the support of this board to continue my part and grow up.

Growing up is hard sometimes, and many times I certainly longed for the days when ignorance was bliss.  Adults certainly do make hard decisions.

I used to think how nice it would be to go back to my ignorance days. Then, I remember the growing darkness inside of me with huge amounts of pain and no labels. It was killing me from the inside out. As I process the darkness, I hope the whole grown up me will reach fulfillment and be a light for my kids and their kids.

[babyducks]

Growing up for me was realizing it was no one's fault.   We both did the best we could with the tools we had.  and our best wasn't good for either of us.

[seeking balance]

Growing up for me was realizing it was no one's fault.   We both did the best we could with the tools we had.  and our best wasn't good for either of us.

Love this babyducks - radical acceptance and forgiveness all in one statement.   

[seeking balance]

Then, I remember the growing darkness inside of me with huge amounts of pain and no labels. It was killing me from the inside out. As I process the darkness, I hope the whole grown up me will reach fulfillment and be a light for my kids and their kids.

Good point dontknow2!

[delusionalxox]

Wow don'tknow2. A beautiful post.

Like seekingbalance I too had a mother with strong BPD/narc traits. I have read recently about trying to remother myself. I think it will be important for me too.

I have not grown up yet and I know this. But I have recognised that the pain I have endured with an ex who in the end treated me with extreme cruelty- and whom I still love and long for in some bizarre and very basic way which I realise must have to do with the dynamic between myself and my earliest carers- must be used for something. It must amount to something, I must do something with it.

As I love my ex so much still, despite how cruelly he treated me, I feel compassion for him and his limitations. He is still a lost little boy.

Growing up for me is realising how I too have behaved somewhat as a child- a Lonely Child I think, from the schema therapy context :D- and how I could not and never could save him, or us, by becoming stuck in the mire of addictive 'love', cruelty and hurting we created together.

I still miss him very much.

Like you don'tknow, I want to become wiser and stronger and to pass that wisdom and strength on to my children and any grandchildren I may have.

[seeking balance]

I began to question things in my mind. I began asking her hard questions about the past and the future. This stressed her. It was becoming clear to me that my reality of the relationship was not the true reality.

This was a hard time for me when this happened - I had so much "hope" tied to the relationship that I made extra efforts to "educate" her - so I could keep my reality.

In MC, I clearly remember the MC saying 2 people can see the same situation and it looks very different - and looked at me and asked do I want to be right or happy  - gulp... .

[seeking balance]

For me, 'growing up' meant giving up the dream of a rosy future with her.

Holding onto that dream at the face of reality almost broke me totally - emotionally and financially!

New dreams are real for me now, and much more peace.

[delusionalxox]

Thankyou too babyducks! Another beautiful statement.

I said this many times to my ex when he was raging at me for saying I couldn't do it any more (be with him, meet his demands). His response was always to scream at me that I wasn't trying hard enough. But there's no bottomless pit of effort in any person, is there. I realise now that perhaps he did the best he could. Perhaps he loved me as much as he could- at least until he gave up and started lying and Triangulation.

I read a book by a mother who wrote that about her severely autistic son- that he loved her as much as he could. I guess I have to accept that my beloved ex's limitations simply were what they were. That enables me to  have a bit more compassion for him.

[seeking balance]

And most importantly now, how can I change so that I will have something better in my future?  This last question, for me, requires more growing up than anything else.  She was not the problem.  The problem was in the mirror and the solution also lies within.

Deep stuff here and very, very true.  Giving myself the time to really deal with this has been the greatest gift to me.

[seeking balance]

Growing up for me is realising how I too have behaved somewhat as a child- a Lonely Child I think, from the schema therapy context :D-

Knowing exactly where you are and what you need to heal is what growing up is all about 

[Monarch Butterfly]

Hmmm... . "grow up", that's basically what I said to my pwBPD when I broke it off with her but it came out "f*** you" instead. 

 Love it! Still laughing!

[LilMissSunshine]

I grew up, quite a bit, the day I realized I was the only one who could make the boogie man go away.  I gave him the power to torment me, therefore I was the only one who could take that power away.  I'm responsible for my own safety.

[myself]

Being with her did have me looking at her childish needs, and mine.

I thought growing up, when I was growing up, meant acting like it wasn't just a one way street. You watched out for yourself, as did they, and helped someone if they needed it. That was good for all of us.

Growing up in this relationship meant I had to accept she had already gone as far as she was going to go, and if I was going to do the growing up I needed to, I had to do it by myself.

[santa]

The problem is that when you do "grow up"... . they hate that too. They don't really want to grow up and they don't want you to either. It's just something to complain about. When you do "grow up", then you're not "fun". There's no pleasing these people.