BPD Has Withdrawn & Gone Silent After I Broke Up With Him and Tried to Reconnect

[Surrender]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my undiagnosed BPD partner... . each time he leaves everything spirals out of control and all his doubts, criticisms, fears and insecurities come flooding in. He begins to fixate and perverates over these fears in an attempt to sabotage and pull away. 10 days ago I snapped when I had to suffer this same push and pull again. It triggered me and I freaked out and broke up with him as soon as I heard him say "I don't know if I can trust myself if I have to wait 6 months to see you".

I keep treating him and expecting him to respond normally but I am learning that is not the case. However, something in me was so tired of this constant battle and push and pull game feeling like all my love and security with him is just a delusion, an illusion. So, I told him to have the world and to have what ever he wanted from the world.

I didn't speak to him for 6 days until I finally realized that I wanted to break the cycle of this breaking up and making up of all the unstable pushing and pulling so I sent him an email saying that I was willing to forgo my pride and ego to tell him I loved him and that I would be 'that stable' thing in his life and that maybe by doing so he would learn to trust me. I reached out to him thinking that perhaps employing that new tactic would help.

I felt ripped apart those 6 days from him and utterly anxiety ridden. I didn't get a response from him for 3 days... . and when I did he said that he needed space. I've never known him to be or do that before. He always breaks down when he leaves me and pulls the rug from under me unprovoked threatening to leave and that he can't handle it, but this is truly the first time I feel him utterly distant and detaching. It is scaring me and I have no idea what to expect?

I feel tortured and at the same time I love him more than anything. It feels like our relationship has been a war of turbulent battles always over coming some crisis. He has fought and struggled to trust me and allow himself to love me. I have seen the terror in him as he would get closer to me and how that would send him into a dis regulated series of episodes. Over our relationship he has collected data, interrogated me at every turn and tried to use everything that I have confided in him against me. He has tried to collect this so called evidence so as to convince himself that I cannot be trusted yet he has never gone.

Now he is silent for the first time and although I broke up with him initially, now he is trying to disconnect from me. I feel him critically assessing everything and protecting himself because he is emotionally exhausted and afraid. I fear he will leave me and I think also that we have born an incredibly co-dependent relationship. We have been virtually inseparable for 3 years now.

I feel lost... . and don't know what to do? There is so much pain associated with our love and so many wounds that we have overcome together. But this, is a first and I don't know what to make of it coming from an undiagnosed BPD?

There is a part of me that feels utterly enraged and wants to walk away from it all but I know I love him and also feel like I need him. It is my ego that is hurting and at the end of the day I'm honestly terrified that he will leave.

I am his first and only serious relationship and the only one that he has ever gone all out for, ever. He kept himself away from having any relationships because of his illness. He has exiled himself largely from the world just to manage himself and a part of him not being in any serious relationships was because it takes everything in him to manage himself and just cope day to day.

I'm lost and don't know what to do. I know he loves me but we have gone through so much together. By breaking up with him so violently I think I shattered his trust in me or did something. I think I pushed him maybe too far?

All I know is that we both have been utterly entwined and utterly inseparable, never functioning properly unless we were in our deep connecting... . this is the first time he has pulled away to the point where he isn't extending any communication at all in fact he is completely silent.

I feel lost and I don't know how to ascertain what is going on right now?

[Surrender]

I am wondering if I should give him all the space he needs or if I should call him? Should I let him drift away because that is what it feels like or do I swim after him?

Please can someone give me some advice? I know respect is huge with them and perhaps I should just tell him not to worry about it... . I'm honestly at a loss here and hoping that someone can steer me through these turbulent waters. I feel him so far away and that is freaking me out.

The last thing he said when responding to my reconnecting email was that his thoughts on this are that he needs space and feel it will be good for me too. He hopes I'm faring okay considering the circumstances. His thoughts and prayers are long and with me as we deal with this.

Is that just a preparation for him to leave me? Is he taking this time to become stronger in himself and just remove himself from me?

Our entire relationship has been based on again/off again, destructive, and "on the brink", quality. I responded to his outrages and attacks with anger and hostility. I couldn't keep my frustration from being the prime response and I in turn would rage back in absolute reactivity. Then we would find our way through it and return to a safe zone of love and affection.

I didn't realize until it was too late I think that the way I was responding to him was completely in opposition to how and what I was supposed to be doing.

[Surrender]

So if respect is so central to them than perhaps I should not make myself so readily available? Perhaps I should send him an indication that I'm going to wait?

I am asking for some opinions here from those that have experience and knowledge because I'm truly at a loss here as to how best to handle this for the best possible outcome. I want him back in my world crazy as this sounds but my entire world feels imbalanced without him. That probably sounds hugely dysfunctional but that is the truth... . for what ever reason we made each other, each others base line and now everything is upside down.

I looking for some advice here which would be greatly appreciated because I feel utterly lost.

[living in the past]

 hi, my reply is try to live one day at a time,it will all seem less important tomorrow,i look back in my life ,a girlfriend left my years ago ,now i can say she did me a favor,,now i wonder how did i get so attached to a pwBPD, its so hard i am actually addicted to a person,is it part of the illness, i think so, because it happens to a lot of people here,to break this addiction for me is harder than quiting smoking which i did, i try to just deal with today, thats hard enough,and remember what i have been told here,its not about me.they have a serious mental illness,unfortunately it effects us,and were not lost we found this site,thanks for writing,your writing helps me.

[elemental]

I have been through this cycle dozens of times.

First, stop contacting him. For your own stability and self esteem stop. Take the time to rally, calm and go check out the tools on the staying board. You really need to be calm, get some detachment.

I know it hurts, boy do I.

It's going to be ok. He has a wave of momentum going and if you step into it, you are going to get hurt more. So step back, let it play out. He is a big boy and can do some self soothing and calming. YOU take care of you in the meantime.

He asked for space. Give it to him. Sorry it is so rough. He's probably not really going anywhere. I know it's scary.  

[Surrender]

Thanks Gregory & ZenCat,

I miraculously didn't contact him... . and to my surprise received an email response to the effect that I'm his sweetheart even if parts of our relationship are dysfunctional and breaking his heart.

Well that was something... . he hasn't called or extended more so I'm ok with that. I sent him back a few words only saying that he is mine in turn and left it at that. I recall somewhere reading that they process emotions similar to being a burn victim... . so they feel everything a thousand fold and have no filter, at least he doesn't. Everything to him is always raw and super enhanced therefore I have to be careful even in answering questions.

I have learned the hard way that when I am not completely clear and precise it leads to him perseverating over it for months even years. Basically it is there being stored for his later use when he decides to rage and kitchen sink me. He feels that I am hiding and lying if I am not transparent and forthcoming about what I am sharing. It is an everyday battle with him and I never know which way the wind will blow on any given moment literally. I could have an expression on my face or in my body movement and wham... . he takes that as some kind of rejection or that I'm holding something within me against him.

It is like he functions on some empathic stream where all of his intel is coming direct from how I 'respond' to my day... . if I'm quiet or different in any way he sees this as a threat and himself becomes dislodged, moody and triggered, at which point I know that the day or evening is literally ruined because he will stay stuck in that negative moody ugly place instead of rationalizing that he shouldn't take such things so personally and carry on with the day like other people. With him nothing is normal unless you yourself are responding in the normal that I have made him grow accustomed to. Anything that veers away from that creates an automatic response in him that triggers him into one of his emotional dys-regulated fits and moods.

If I act a little outside what he considers to be my norm I know that he is agonizing over it and becoming destabilized.

The advice here is helping me because I know I have been doing everything I shouldn't be with him on the most part. For the longest time I kept reacting to him the way I would with people who don't have this illness and saw that it had a horrible effect. What I learned was that as long as I respond to him like I would with someone who doesn't have BPD I will continue to escalate him and make everything a hundred times worse.

I have much to learn as I said because I suck at not responding out of defense and offense.  It is my first reaction usually and the way I process reason is also not the way he does because what I have learned from him is that he 'feels' to the point of it hurting him literally, like it's a real pain inside him and that is how he is processing what ever is happening.

I'm still learning but I know I need help.

[Surrender]

Since that brief message he left me which essentially just stated that he loves me but is undecided... . I am left here feeling the greatest void that second by second is engulfing me. I forgot who I am apart from him and that is scaring me. I no longer retain my own identity because I am so enmeshed inside him that I cannot determine my own person until now. He is forcing me to feel my separate identity which I find interesting albeit agonizing.

He the UBPD is literally choosing his distance from me... . and I am the one drowning in the sea of agony. I want to hate him and just find the strength to walk away but I cannot deny the love that is ever binding.

Why would he do this to me knowing how utterly painful and agonizing this is not only for myself but for him as well? I gave him leverage by emailing him and trying to reconcile and now he has extricated himself from me... . no words... . no voice. Just distance and the void.

I hate loving anyone so much that they can do this to us... . I hate that someone who is the person causing the dysfunction having the leverage and power... . as though it is I with the issues.

I am feeling utterly vulnerable and afraid. Afraid because he has brought out in me something that no one has ever done.

So here I am waiting... . like a tortured creature and all I can think of is telling him where to go, walking away and taking a trip somewhere, start new memories... . I don't understand how they think or what they are doing? I don't know whey if I reached out to him with such raw truthfulness and compassion he is doing this to me?

I would have though that he would be greatfull... . and reach out... . but instead he is the most distant and unreachable that he has ever been.

[living in the past]

 i think the hardest part is the not knowing,did i say something wrong, do they like me,what will happen,how are they,will i get through this,will they call,should i call... . ect?,I try to ask God to help me, Because the enemy -BPD will destroy me,its already doing a number on the pwBPD,i started therapy last month,something called art therapy,it seems to be helping, i have been developing an interest in art, any thing to get our minds off of the pwBPD is good,best wishes to you... . surrender... . But don"t surrender to the negitive reaction we get from BPD... .

[elemental]

He isn't going to help you right now. So what you are basically doing atm is sitting there waiting for him to save you from these feelings.

You need to save your own self. Detach detach detach. Find anything else to do that will distract and stabilize you. And no more talking at him because he won't help you.

What are some things you have going on in your life that you can go put some time and attention into? What about your friends and family.

I know it can be soo hard. I've been going through this for years and years. Mine is in the house, but he is avoiding and ignoring me. It's part of the drama he has going where he baits me into reacting so he can twist the knife. I don't like it either. I am pretty detached atm. He will chill eventually and it will be better. So will your guy.

In the meantime take care of YOU. This silent treatment and angst on his part will evaporate if you are not hanging on his sleeve going down the toilet with him.

I mean it. You will have more effect with your silence and turning your actions elsewhere than you will wringing your hands and worrying about what he is up to. Better to go quiet and make him wonder what YOU are up to.   And he will.

[Surrender]

I think you are both right. I decided today to just move on and do my own thing. I don't want to leave a trail for him to follow me on the internet with various forums and music sites I'm a part of. He has a habit of internet stalking me. I also decided that when he does decide to call, when ever that will be I don't think I will answer it.

I'm not a cruel person but I want him to feel the distance and the disconnection to me... . instead of taking me for granted. It's a fine line these power struggles but ultimately I can't stand the idea that he thinks I'm always there for him and near desperation.

So, I think I'll do everything in my power to disconnect which is what I feel he is doing with me and not make myself so readily available.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired that when they are the ones that create the dysfunction it somehow falls on us as though we are making them suffer. In his mind I'm sure he feels that I am the cause because I broke up with him. He doesn't see that he drove me to it through his repeated actions that finally I just couldn't take.

Yet, he will make me suffer and use it against me and use it as ammunition against our relationship. He is compiling evidence that will support his belief that we shouldn't be together. That is what he does. He watches, interrogates me on everything that is even a mild trigger and then he collects the evidence for his perceived version of reality.

He gave me enough on that tiny email to keep me hanging but nothing more. Enough so that I won't leave but again a non-committal tether.

So yes your advice is well taken so I will embark on doing my own thing. I don't think I'll be answering the phone when he calls... . the problem is now that I know I don't want to answer the phone ... . I can see myself playing that same game just to try and shake him and his sense that he has me under his thumb.

I don't know where he is or where his mind is... . it's so unsettling but I need to just continue too.

[living in the past]

its not easy zencat,but it does get easier every day foward,today i try to get though it without worrying about them and try to enjoy today.

[living in the past]

i meant its not easy surren